The DARVO Pattern Narcissists Use When You Call Them Out

DARVO—The Narcissist Tactic You’ve Never Heard Of

A woman and a man sitting on a couch are engaged in a heated discussion. The woman is pointing her finger, while the man has his hands placed on his chest, both with serious expressions. They are indoors with light curtains in the background.

Narcissists tend to follow very specific behavioral patterns. One of these is known by the acronym DARVO, and it can cause significant damage in their victims over time. By learning how to recognize it, you can build up your resistance to it and even learn how to avoid being hurt by it.

What does DARVO stand for?

A man with a serious expression points to himself with both thumbs. He is wearing a light blue shirt, a dark gray vest, and a blue patterned tie, standing in front of an orange background.

DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victimhood and Offender.

Narcissists use this pattern to avoid accepting responsibility for any of their awful actions. Instead, they double down on their own victimhood, denying any wrongdoing, and projecting all fault onto the ones they’ve mistreated.

The pattern is so common that psychologists and psychiatrists have documented its formulaic progression for decades. In fact, the DARVO acronym was coined in 1997 by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon.

The DARVO approach is usually so subtle that the narcissist’s victims have difficulty understanding or explaining why they don’t feel heard or acknowledged when they try to voice their concerns.

Instead, they simply know that something “just doesn’t feel right”, but end up feeling guilty and responsible for either misinterpreting the situation, or for making their abuser feel bad.

Why do narcissists employ these tactics when they’re called out?

A man and woman stand outdoors near a body of water and trees. The man, wearing a gray coat, is shouting and pointing aggressively at the woman, who looks distressed and is holding her coat closed. The woman’s expression shows pain and fear.

Above all else, narcissists are in desperate need of two things: to be in control, and to be perceived as wonderful individuals.

Most of them went through awful things during their formative years which gave them the need for absolute control over their surroundings, and to be acknowledged as special, brilliant creatures who are deserving of love and admiration.

When a person confronts them about their abusive, manipulative, or otherwise unacceptable actions, it creates a cognitive dissonance within them. For them to accept that they’ve done wrong would be at complete odds with their belief that their actions and behaviors are always exemplary.

They have to protect their own self-image at all costs, even though everyone else knows it’s a facade. As such, they project, deflect, flip the narrative, play victim, and essentially do whatever is needed in order to regain control of the situation and avoid personal accountability.

Examples of Narcissistic Denial Tactics

A man and woman are arguing in a partially renovated room. The man has a pencil in hand and is wearing a tool belt, while the woman, holding a paintbrush and measuring tape, looks frustrated. Both are standing near a table with renovation tools.

Narcissistic denial tactics may take the form of any of the following (often used in tandem):

—Denial: Even if they’re caught in the act, they’ll deny any wrongdoing

—Rationalization, especially with them portrayed as selfless: “I finished the dish you prepared because it was going bad, and I didn’t want you to get food poisoning”

—Gaslighting: Implying that you’re crazy for misinterpreting their actions

—Minimization: It’s not a big deal and all, and you’re obviously overreacting to the situation

—Over-generalization: They do this all the time and you’ve never had a problem with it before, so what’s wrong with you that you’re reacting badly now?

—Ignorance: “I had no idea this was such an issue — I obviously would never do anything intentionally to cause harm”

—Subject switching: Asking the person if they’re unwell (especially if they have a chronic condition) or mentioning something shocking to derail the conversation elsewhere

Example of an Attack

A man stands close to a woman, with his arm raised and hand against the wall, looking down at her. The woman looks up at him with a serious expression. The scene suggests a tense or confrontational moment.

After the denial part of the program is over, the narcissist will head into attack territory. This is where they often prey upon someone’s insecurities or personal struggles and accuse them of some wrongdoing related to it.

For example, let’s say that someone calls out a colleague at work for their narcissistic and abusive behavior. After first denying that they did anything wrong, said colleague may turn around and attack the accuser, saying that they’re only making a fuss because they’re jealous.

They might condemn the accuser for their blatant lack of professionalism, and say that they’re disappointed in them for allowing personal insecurities to take precedence over decency.

If the accuser has what the colleague considers to be personal shortcomings—such as being older, having a larger body, health concerns, and so on—they’ll use those as ammunition. Essentially, they’ll try to belittle them while simultaneously undermining any valid points they’re trying to raise.

Examples of Reverse Victimhood and Offender

A man and a woman are sitting on a bed facing each other, engaged in an intense conversation. The woman points her finger at the man in a stern manner, while the man gestures with both hands. Both look serious and focused. The background is a simple, light-colored room.

We’ll continue with the colleague/accuser example from above.

Once the attack has commenced, it’s time for the narcissist to play the reverse victim card and go on the offense. They might go crying to other team members to try to get their support, or at the very least to have credible witnesses to this terrible injustice.

Next, they’ll go to HR and file a complaint. By doing so, they’re getting their side of the story out first. They’re going on the attack to get back at their accuser and teach them a lesson.

In a relationship scenario rather than a professional one, the narcissist partner who’s accused of wrongdoing will lash out at their accuser, saying that they’re projecting onto them and treating them like a slave, showing no gratitude for everything they do for them and how much they sacrifice themselves to try and make them happy.

Punishment After DARVO Tactics are Employed

A woman with long hair looks out pensively, with shadows from a grid pattern cast across her face. She appears thoughtful, and the light highlights the intricate shadows, creating a dramatic effect on her expression.

Narcissists do NOT like it when people call them out on their abusive actions. They need to be in a position of control all the time. So if and when their victim stands up to them about their DARVO tactics, the narcissist may take action to ensure that they don’t try that again.

First and foremost, they may keep on the offensive and talk about how the victim has been abusive towards them and mistreating them in an attempt to make their target feel shame and guilt. Essentially, they want to avoid any personal accountability, and they want their victim to apologize for having the audacity to make them feel bad about their crap behavior.

If that doesn’t work, they may use other approaches such as the silent treatment, playing victim, withholding affection, preying on known insecurities, or even sabotaging their victim’s personal or professional life in retaliation for perceived mistreatment.

How do these tactics affect the victim?

A woman wearing a blue top sits by a window with a distant, contemplative expression. Her arms are crossed over her knees, and light filters through lace curtains nearby, casting a soft glow on her face. The scene evokes a mood of introspection and melancholy.

DARVO tactics wreak havoc on the victim’s mental and emotional health because they cause them to continually doubt themselves. If they’re constantly being told that they’re imagining things, remembering situations incorrectly, and so on, they start to think that they’re going insane. They can’t trust their own memories, nor their instincts, and end up being dependent on the one who’s abusing them to offer them clarity and security about their wellbeing.

This can result in issues ranging from anxiety and depression to nervous breakdowns. Furthermore, those who have been exposed to DARVO abuse over long periods of time may develop complex PTSD due to long-term psychological manipulation. They may learn to self-silence and have difficulty communicating anything—including their own feelings—for fear of being gaslit or attacked.

DARVO tactics can rob them of their self-confidence, self-worth, and mental stability, and can be incredibly difficult to reverse.

How to neutralize DARVO when it happens

A man sits pensively on a white couch in a dimly lit room, while a woman carrying a shoulder bag stands in the doorway. A small table with a plant and an alarm clock is visible beside her.

One of the worst things a person can do when a narcissist goes full DARVO is to engage. As a result, the best option is to remove yourself from the situation entirely. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into their tactics, and refuse to participate in the JADE response: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

The narcissist will try to maneuver you into doing all these things in order to establish a sense of dominance over you. See this like a fencer who’s trying to disarm their opponent to make them back down. If you don’t take the bait, then they don’t gain any advantage.

Go “grey rock”, show them absolutely no emotional response whatsoever, and leave. You may need to plan your exit ahead of time, such as having a friend or family member whose door you can show up at, but the only way you can win is by walking away.