The early days of dating someone are exciting—you feel a bit all over the place, but in a good way!
The guy you like seems to like you back…
…until he doesn’t.
It’s really confusing when a man goes hot and cold on you, and you might be left wondering a) where this has come from, and b) what you can do to get things back on track.
Lucky for you, we’ve done the hard work and put together a guide on your emotional-rollercoaster of a crush.
Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you figure out why this guy is hot and cold toward you (and what to do about it). You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.
Why Is He Hot and Cold: 15 Common Reasons
1. He’s genuinely not sure how he feels.
The most obvious reason he is messing you around is that he is confused and doesn’t know how he feels about you.
Maybe he’s not long come out of a relationship, or perhaps he hasn’t dated much and is a bit nervous.
If he’s into you sometimes, there’s reason to hope. He might be pulling away every so often because he’s not 100% sure of his own feelings yet and he doesn’t want to lead you on by being too keen.
Extra reading: “He Doesn’t Know What He Wants” – 6 Things It Might Mean & What To Do
2. He’s trying to play it cool.
If he takes his time to reply to your messages but then seems really happy to see you, he might just be trying to play it cool.
Rather than coming across as ‘too interested,’ he’s hanging back a little bit.
Perhaps he is playing a few games because he thinks that’s just what you do, or because it has worked for him in the past.
3. He’s keeping you keen by being mean!
“Treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” is rather old-fashioned dating advice that is still spread to this day by so-called pickup artists on social media.
This guy might believe that by acting cold, you’ll desperately want him to be hot with you again.
That you’ll become more interested in him simply by him seeming less interested in you.
Reverse psychology works like a charm, right? Possibly not as much as he thinks…
4. He’s doing the same with someone else.
If he’s acting hot one minute and then turns cold the next, there is a chance he’s stringing you along—as well as someone else.
He might find it hard to keep up with seeing you both, which is why he’s so inconsistent. He’s distracted because his attention is divided by two or more people.
5. He’s dealing with other issues right now.
However much a man likes you, he is still human. If he’s been a bit all over the place recently, try to cut him some slack. He might be really busy or be dealing with personal issues.
Men deal with their inner struggles and personal issues in a way women do not always understand, so when they go hot and cold, it may not be due to his feelings for you.
While he likes you, you might not yet be at the stage where you are his highest priority.
6. He’s trying to take things slowly.
There’s a chance he thinks things are moving too fast and wants to slow them down a bit.
He might be genuinely interested in you but not be ready to take the relationship to the next stage.
If you’ve just started dating and he’s sending mixed messages by blowing hot and cold with you, he might just be trying to pace things.
Extra reading: What Does Taking It Slow Mean To A Guy?
7. He’s afraid of commitment.
Committing to him might not feel scary to you, but he might be terrified of what committing to you might mean.
His commitment issues might stem from something such as a bad breakup or his childhood experiences, but they are very real.
As soon as he senses things are becoming serious, he might pull away to reduce the intensity of his feelings and to avoid the pain of rejection.
8. He is using you.
If he’s keen to see you one moment and disappearing on you the next, there’s a chance he’s using you.
He comes on strong when he wants sex or companionship or something else from you. He charms you into giving him what he wants.
But as soon as he’s got that thing, he’s off again.
9. He’s not over his ex.
If it’s not been long since he came out of his last relationship, he might still have feelings for his ex that conflict with the feelings he has for you.
Conversely, it might be the pain of the breakup that is stopping him from giving all of himself to you just yet.
If he hasn’t closed the book on one relationship, he might be cautious about opening the book on a new adventure with you.
And…sadly…there is the possibility that you are merely his rebound.
10. He has an avoidant attachment style.
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style crave intimacy but are also fearful of losing intimacy. They often feel unworthy of love and so never initiate intimacy with others.
If the guy in your life is hot whenever you take the lead and make plans but cold when you’re waiting for him to act, he could have a fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, are so fiercely independent and often distrustful of others that they may reject a partner whom they feel they are getting too close to.
Extra reading: How To Date And Be In A Relationship With An Avoidant Partner
11. He’s overwhelmed by his emotions.
When a person gets those ‘big’ feelings for someone, it can fill their whole body and mind with a sort of energy.
There’s a chance that this guy is blowing hot and cold toward you because his feelings have become intense and he simply doesn’t know how to handle them.
He pulls away when it gets too much, then comes closer again once he’s had a break from you and a chance to get his head straight.
12. He craves your attention but leaves once he’s had his fill.
If this guy feels validated and like he is ‘enough’ when he receives the attention of a potential romantic partner, it could explain his behavior.
He comes running to you appearing all keen, you give him the attention and validation he desperately needs, and then he drifts away either because he is satiated or to get some attention from another source.
13. He lacks confidence.
Does this guy seem like he lacks self-confidence? Is he a bit awkward or shy at times?
If so, there’s a good chance he struggles to understand why you like him, and this makes him fearful of rejection.
He’s almost waiting for you to say you’re no longer interested, and so he pulls away sometimes because he’s unsure if your relationship has a future.
14. He’s testing you.
Some people—men and women—act hold and cold almost on purpose to test your interest in them.
If your guy seems like he’s actively pulling you one way and then another to see how you respond, it could be his rather unhealthy way of making sure you’re really into him before he commits any further.
15. He’s changed his mind and isn’t interested.
If he’s throwing you mixed signals and blowing hot and cold, the man you like might be losing interest but not know how to communicate this to you.
This might explain his behavior—he feels bad for being cold so is really nice to you. Then he panics that he’s leading you on, so distances himself again.
Extra reading: 18 Signs He’s Not That Into You And It’s Time To Move On
It is a good idea to seek professional help from one of the experts at Relationship Hero as counseling can be highly effective in helping people to reach the relationship outcome that is best for them.
How do you deal with a guy who is hot and cold?
It can be hard to know how to cope with a man who gives you mixed signals, so we’ve come up with a few options you can explore.
1. Stay calm and steady.
This guy probably doesn’t like playing games, even if that’s what it feels like he’s doing with you.
So, if you start pushing him away and acting coldly toward him, he will probably get confused and decide you’re not worth the effort.
By staying relaxed while remaining interested in him, he’ll realize that you’re not easily thrown—AND that you’re not someone who’s going to pile loads of pressure on him!
If you were stressed out with work and the person you were seeing became hostile and kicked off, you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with them anymore, right? Same goes for him.
If you can calmly let him know you’re interested but that there is no rush, he’ll come to you.
Extra reading: How To Give Him Space: 8 Things To Do + 6 Things NOT To Do
2. Acknowledge that relationships get to the stage where it feels familiar rather than exciting.
If you’re used to the guy you like being all over you, and he’s started being a bit less enthusiastic, try not to panic.
This might just be because the two of you are settling into each other more now.
Most of us go all-out when we’re first dating someone, as we want them to see the best versions of ourselves. That might have been what you saw in the ‘hot’ phase.
His ‘cold’ phase might feel cold compared to the heat, but remember that it’s all relative and this might just be his ‘normal’ phase.
Rather than expecting romance and wild sex and constant texts all the time, remember that things will steady themselves out the more you spend time together.
Extra reading: 13 Tips To Make Him Miss You Like Crazy (That Really Work!)
3. Keep yourself distracted.
One of the issues with hot and cold behavior is that the ‘extremes’ are very easy to fixate on.
If your man is all over the place and you’re not sure where you stand, you can quickly start to over-analyze his behavior.
The more you focus on it, the more you see ‘problems’ where there probably aren’t any.
When you’re feeling anxious about a man, you pick up on every tiny thing that feels ‘off’—suddenly, a ten-minute delay in a reply feels like he’s about to dump you!
Stay busy by pursuing your own hobbies, hanging out with friends, or just enjoying some alone time. The more distracted you can keep yourself, the less impact small things will have on you.
You might start to realize that the ‘hot and cold’ actions from your man are actually you interpreting things based on your ‘good and bad’ moods.
4. Keep communicating!
If you’re truly at a loss and have no idea what’s going on, there is nothing to stop you from talking to your man.
While we would normally advise you steer clear of big discussions about feelings early on, it might be worth bringing this issue up if it’s really starting to bother you.
You could check in with him that everything is okay—without using language that ‘blames’ him.
Say something like, “Things feel a bit different between us, do you want to talk about it?” or, “I feel like we don’t see each other as much anymore, why don’t we plan a nice evening together?”
Coming from a positive angle like this shows him that you are not trying to start a fight or criticize his behavior.
This also gives him a chance to be honest if there is something else going on.
It will help him realize that his actions (or inactions!) are impacting you. Sometimes, one specific emotional trigger is all it takes to make him want to commit to a relationship and feel like you’re the right girl for him.
5. Focus on improving yourself.
Being anxious about your guy acting hot and cold will only make you panic and feel desperate.
Instead, focus on yourself and gaining self-confidence. A woman who exudes confidence is very attractive in the eyes of men.
Even if your guy never moves towards a committed relationship with you, your confidence will attract the right person who will.
6. Know when to move on.
Of course, this man might genuinely be playing hot and cold with you because he’s just not relationship material and he is simply messing you around.
It’s frustrating and sometimes upsetting to put your energy into a moody guy who doesn’t really know what he wants.
If this hot and cold relationship is negatively impacting your well-being, or you’re starting to feel insecure about yourself because you just don’t know where you stand, it is okay to prioritize yourself and walk away.
If you think that this behavior is a pattern and it keeps happening, he is unlikely to change. If you’ve mentioned it and nothing has shifted, there isn’t really much more you can do.
It can be hard to leave, especially when the ‘hot’ is so… hot! You can either accept this behavior and let him think it’s okay to play with your feelings, or you can choose to value yourself enough to walk away and find something better.
Still confused and not sure what to do about this man’s hot and cold behavior?
Speak to an experienced relationship expert about it.
Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours.
They can listen to you and offer tailored advice to help you figure out how this guy feels about you and what to do about him and your relationship.
Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.
While you can try to work through this situation yourself, it may be a bigger issue that needs expert advice. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to solve problems that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.
Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.
