So, you’ve always thought you were straight… but you suddenly find yourself attracted to another woman.
Firstly, breathe.
You probably have a million thoughts racing around your head that you’re trying to make sense of. What does this mean? Am I still straight? Should I act on it or ignore it?
Before we get to any life-changing decisions, there’s a lot to consider.
There could be a number of factors influencing your thoughts and feelings, and addressing them is the first step to being able to understand what you actually want to do.
You might feel confused and overwhelmed, making it hard to know what the best next step to take is.
But don’t panic! In this article, we’re going to pose some questions to help you make sense of what these new feelings could mean for you.
Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you understand your attraction to this other woman and what it all means for your love life. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.
Have I felt this way before?
This new feeling might have taken you by surprise, but see if you can remember a time when you felt something similar in the past.
It might have taken a while for these preferences to develop into what they are now, but considering whether you’ve felt something like this before – even if you didn’t fully realize it at the time – could help you understand how to move forward with what you feel now.
If you realize that there have been times in your past when you’ve been more attracted to a woman than is considered “normal” for a straight person, this might give you a sense of comfort and grounding in these newer, stronger emotions, knowing that in some way you’ve always had them.
If you are experiencing these feelings for the first time in your life, think about the timing of the situation. Difficulties in your current relationship could be influencing how you feel toward this woman, or you could be confusing a hero-worship for a sexual attraction just because you admire her so much.
Caring deeply for someone doesn’t necessarily mean that your sexuality isn’t what you thought. But if you feel as though these preferences have always been there, waiting for the right person to bring them out, don’t be scared of taking the opportunity to explore something that could bring you the happiness you’ve been missing.
Do I still find men attractive?
If you’ve started to feel attracted to a woman having always assumed you were straight, it will understandably make you question who you think you are.
To avoid a full on identity crisis, it’s best to try to work through your emotions, one step at a time.
One of the first things you should be asking yourself is whether you still find men physically attractive.
When you think about getting sexually intimate with a man, how do you feel now? Does the idea make you feel uncomfortable or does it still turn you on?
Try to be honest with yourself and not just assume that because you thought you were straight, or have been up to this point, that you genuinely do still feel this way toward men.
Our preferences change as we grow and develop, and these feelings you’re now experiencing for a woman might have always been there under the surface without you ever realizing.
See this as an opportunity to enjoy some sexual freedom and possibly even find a sense of completion that you didn’t know you were missing. At the very least, you might start having some sex you really enjoy.
But liking women doesn’t mean you can’t like men anymore. We are all different in what we like and what we don’t like. Just because we’re labeled by society as either gay or straight, doesn’t mean that we have to fit just one of these categories.
Sexual preference is highly personal. It’s about figuring out what you like and are drawn toward, so you can find what really makes you happy.
Life is too short to deny yourself great sexual experiences just because they don’t fit into a box. Try to work out where your heart is headed and follow that.
Is my attraction emotional or physical?
Love comes in many different forms.
All the love stories we see and hear about might tell us that we should experience some earth-shattering moment when you know you’ve found ‘the one.’ But it’s rarely as simple as that.
Most commonly, we confuse lust for love, where we’re almost entirely drawn to a person’s body. But this is only a surface level attraction. It’s not a deeper connection that could be lasting and life-changing, unlike one made on an emotional or spiritual level.
If you think you’re attracted to a woman, but you’ve previously only been attracted to men, try to work out how deep this feeling goes. Is it just a physical attraction and appreciation for the female body, or are you genuinely connected with this person and can’t imagine life without them?
If it is a physical attraction, then remember that it’s normal to be able to appreciate if a woman is hot or sexy and it doesn’t have to mean you want a relationship with them.
If your connection is on a deeper, emotional level, it still doesn’t have to mean that your sexuality has changed. Sometimes we just have a deeper connection with certain people; male or female.
But it shows that this person has something about them that no one else has that you connect with in a way that you haven’t with anyone else; something that is difficult to find and hard to let go of.
Try to understand if what you feel for this person could be something lasting. It might be unexpected or even a little scary, but if they bring joy to your life, don’t worry about trying to explain it and see what happens as your attraction progresses naturally.
Can I imagine having sex with her?
We can find people attractive and still not want to have sex with them.
If you think about being with this woman in a sexual way, do you get turned on or does the idea seem strange and uncomfortable to you?
There are so many different levels of attraction we can feel for someone. Just because you find a woman attractive, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to experience anything more or prefer women sexually to men.
If the idea of actually being with a woman sexually doesn’t feel right to you but you can imagine yourself with a man, then chances are that these feelings you are having are more to do with the charisma of the person rather than an awakening of your sexuality.
It’s fine to find someone attractive from the same sex and not act on it. You don’t have to define how you feel, but working out if you’d actually want to pursue anything with a woman and how far you’d want to take it can give you a better indication of whether or not this feeling is something to explore further.
Is it this woman or is it all women?
Are you suddenly attracted to girls because you’ve met someone who has brought out a sexuality within you that you didn’t realize you had?
Or is there something special about just one woman that you can’t resist?
If it’s the latter, try to work out what it is about this person that is so attractive to you and why now. Some people are magnets to us and it’s less to do about your own sexuality than it is about a connection to this one person.
It doesn’t necessarily mean anything has changed for you in terms of liking men too, or that you really want a romantic relationship with this person. Instead, you need to work out how best to fit this person that you care so much about into your life.
On the other hand, if it’s taken you feeling attracted to one woman to help you realize that it’s not just her you find attractive, but that you are attracted to women in general, then this new realization opens doors to a whole new world in terms of relationships.
Sometimes it just takes one person to make you realize what you’ve been missing and have the courage to finally act on your true feelings.
Does this mean I’m homosexual?
The short answer is no, yes, and maybe.
If you’ve realized you’re finding another woman attractive and haven’t felt this way before, then you might begin to question whether this means your sexuality has changed.
‘Gay’ and ‘straight’ are such limiting terms and there’s no need to feel as though you have to be one or the other.
What you need to remember is that sexuality doesn’t have to fit a type at all. Yes, there are terms like homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual that we hear most often, but gender and sexuality go much further than fitting into these three stereotypes.
The modern world is catching up with the idea that love, gender, and sexuality don’t necessarily have to be defined, and that love and sex should be based on emotion and connection, whether that’s the same as anyone else or not.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to label who you are just yet. The best way to navigate these new emotions is to just see where they take you and where you feel at your happiest.
Just because you’re attracted to a woman doesn’t mean you won’t ever be attracted to a man again, or that you’ve been wrong about yourself up until this point.
So far you’ve just explored one side of sexuality that worked for you at the time. Every experience and relationship you’ve had up to this point has mattered, for the good and the bad, and has led you to the place you’re at now.
The most important thing to look for in a relationship is a person that brings out the best in you and you in them, and it shouldn’t matter what gender that person is.
Don’t add pressure to the situation by asking yourself such defining questions like “am I gay now?” Just embrace the experience if that’s what makes you happy.
You don’t have to answer or explain yourself to anyone. It’s your life to live how you please.
What is going on in my life right now?
Sometimes, the events we have going on in our lives can have more of an influence on us than we realize.
Extra stress at work or home can make us question things we’d never thought to question before and behave in ways we never expected we would.
When you’re unhappy or stressed, exploring something new and exciting with someone else can be a form of escapism from the negativity surrounding you.
Imagining yourself as a different person living a different life gives you a rest from all the worries and responsibilities that are bringing you down, while also making you act erratically and out of character.
If you’re having feelings for another woman and it’s not something you’ve ever felt before, think about what you’ve got going on at the moment.
You might think you want to pursue something with her, but if it’s out of character, it could be a sign that you’re just feeling overwhelmed and unhappy in yourself and are looking for an escape.
Going into any new relationship is emotional and confusing at the best of times. A new relationship takes dedication and energy, and if you’re going through a turbulent period in your life, it’s best not to mix the two.
It wouldn’t be fair to expect yourself to handle so much, but it also wouldn’t be fair on the woman you’d be going into a relationship with if you’re treating her as an ‘escape’ and can’t give her 100%.
When things have calmed down in your personal life and you still feel as though you want to explore a relationship with another woman, then that is the time to do it.
Try to make sure you’re in a solid and stable place in who you are and not using this relationship to run away from anything else.
What do I do?
The best thing to do if you’re confused about how you feel and unsure who to turn to is to educate yourself more about the LGBTQ+ community.
This ‘confusion’ you’re feeling could be because you’ve grown up in a society where you’ve only heard the terms ‘straght’ or ‘gay’ used to label people’s sexual preferences. You may feel the pressure to be one or the other and be unsure about where you fit in it all.
But you don’t have to be one or the other, you can be anything or nothing at all.
The way to understand the whole range of possible emotions you are feeling is to dedicate some time to engaging with LGBTQ+ platforms offering support and information for situations just like yours.
The more you know about the possibilities out there in terms of your sexuality and what you’re experiencing, the more empowered and confident you will be to act on them.
Remember that sexuality doesn’t have to be limited by gender, especially as the idea of ‘gender’ can be such a claustrophobic term for many who prefer to think of themselves in a more fluid and non-conformist way.
Attraction is as much about the person on the inside as the body on the outside, making gender insignificant compared to emotional connection.
Whatever it is you’re feeling, don’t think that you’re alone in it. You might not have come across anyone who feels the same way you do right now, but there is a wealth of networks, validation, information and support out there from people who have been through what you’re going through now, just waiting for you to reach out and connect.
Do I have to tell my partner?
If you have a male partner already and you’re feeling attracted to another woman, do you tell him?
Would you tell him if you were attracted to another man?
If the answer is ‘no’ to that question, then ask yourself why you feel you should tell him just because it’s a woman?
Is it because you’re not attracted to him anymore? Or is it just because it feels ‘out of the norm’ so you think you should share?
Unless you want to break up your current relationship, it might be worth keeping your thoughts to yourself.
It’s never nice to hear that your partner finds someone else attractive, man or woman, and it could raise a lot of unnecessary questions and insecurity in your current relationship if the attraction you have to this woman isn’t strong enough for you to want to act on it.
Just because you find a woman attractive whilst in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that you want to throw away what you have with your partner.
However, if you find your eyes wandering a lot when you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship, there could be some cause for concern.
Maybe your partner isn’t giving you everything you need or making you happy anymore, in which case it’s best to end the relationship regardless of how you feel about anyone else.
Feeling a new attraction for a member of the same sex could also be a sign that you need some time to get to know yourself a bit better and what makes you happy.
The difference between knowing whether to share these feelings in your relationship or end it because of them is whether or not you want to act on them.
If you decide you do want to act on your feelings, then once that decision is made you’re not going to be able to give your partner 100% in a heterosexual relationship.
It’s kinder to share how you feel with them and end your relationship before exploring anything new and causing your partner more pain.
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If you’re feeling confused about how you feel toward a woman right now, the main thing to remember is that whatever these feelings are, there is nothing bad about having them.
Feelings for a person of the same sex aren’t ‘wrong’ or anything negative, no matter what you may have heard people say. Feeling attracted to another woman might not be something you or anyone you know has experienced before, but our emotions are personal and don’t have to be explained to anyone.
To get the most from life, we have to allow ourselves to be guided by what we feel. You can try to convince yourself of what you ‘should’ feel or do or what you think is ‘right,’ but the only right thing is that you follow what makes you happy.
Don’t be scared because you haven’t felt this way before. Each new experience is a way to learn and grow. Don’t feel constricted by other people’s expectations or judgments, and more importantly by your own.
You’re free to do what you feel is right for you when it comes to relationships, so choose your own path because you’re the one who has to walk it.
Still not sure what to do about your feelings of attraction to this other woman? Getting to the bottom of what you feel and why you feel it is something that is often easier with the help of a an experienced and neutral third party. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out.
