Has your boyfriend just come out to you as bisexual? If so, you’re probably working through a lot of different thoughts and emotions right now.
You likely also have a ton of different questions, both for him and for yourself. Hopefully we can help to address most of these in this article, so that you can figure out what comes next.
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How did this happen?
Chances are this isn’t a new thing for him. He might have been attracted to other guys all his life, and it only clicked with him recently that he’s bisexual. Many men “brush off” the occasional twinge of interest toward other guys as merely being hormones or a passing thought, especially if they’ve been raised with negativity or shame toward same-sex partnerships.
Is he only coming forward about his bisexuality after you two have been together for some time? Then either he’s known for a while and is finally willing to accept and express it, or it’s a startling epiphany for him and he can’t deny its truth.
Sexual preference is rarely (if ever) something that a person chooses consciously. Sometimes it takes a while to realize it.
Why didn’t he tell me sooner?
Some people who find out that their partner is bisexual feel betrayed. They think that their partner should have told them right from the beginning that they’re attracted to both men and women, and that they got into this relationship under false pretenses.
That’s rarely the case. In fact, if he didn’t tell you that he was bi when you first met, it’s probably because he didn’t realize it at the time.
This can happen with many different aspects in our lives, such as a person who suddenly wakes up and discovers that they’re not actually religious, despite going to spiritual services weekly since childhood. We’re all on intense journeys of personal growth and self-discovery, and neither of you are the same as you were when you first met.
If you’ve been together for a while and he’s only telling you now, then he’s probably been struggling with this for a long time. He might have been feeling a lot of shame about his preferences and didn’t know how to tell you until now. People usually experience a lot of fear before coming out to their loved ones, especially if they know others who were rejected and discarded by close friends and family members.
Things get even more difficult if you two have children. He might have been terrified of losing you and his children because of leanings that he has no control over, but are part of who he is.
What does it mean that he’s bisexual?
Well, all sexual leanings have a wide range, and bisexuality has scales in a few directions.
For example, a man who identifies as bi could be 99% attracted to women but finds men attractive on rare occasions. He might not be interested in actually having sex with other men, but appreciates certain aesthetics to be sexually appealing.
Another bisexual man might be on the opposite end of the spectrum: he might prefer to have sex with men as a general rule, but will make exceptions for exceptional women.
Some are equally attracted to both men and women, but only like to have certain types of sexual conduct with either. For example, a bi guy might be okay with kissing and having oral sex with men, but is only interested in penetrative intercourse with women.
If you can, try talking to him openly about what being bisexual means to him. He might still be trying to figure that out, but being able to discuss it with you might be of great help to him.
How will his bisexuality affect our relationship?
It doesn’t have to mean anything if both of you are happy with where things are right now. No more than if one of you determines that you have a particular spiritual leaning that you want to honor.
If he says to you “This doesn’t change anything about our relationship or how I feel about you, but I wanted you to know this about me,” then it shouldn’t affect anything at all. He’s the same person you loved yesterday – you simply know one more detail about him today.
Bisexuality means that a person has the potential to develop feelings or sexual interest in other people of both genders. It doesn’t mean that they have to, or that they will, or that they even want to act upon them. Most people don’t taste every dish served at a buffet either.
It would only be a big deal if that kind of information is a big deal to you. This is merely part of his sexual preference and isn’t about to change his character, personality, etc.
Is he going to cheat on me with other men?
Not unless he’s the type of person to cheat on you in general.
It’s a misconception that bisexual people are promiscuous or more likely to cheat on their partners than monogamous people. If someone’s a cheater, then they’ll be unfaithful regardless of which gender(s) they’re attracted to.
Attraction does not equal action. A virgin can still consider themselves bisexual even if they’ve never had a sexual experience with anyone, simply because they recognize that they find both men and women attractive.
Were you worried about him cheating on you with other women before you found out that he was bi? If not, why would you be worried about him cheating on you with men? Being bisexual means that someone has the capacity to be sexually involved with both/either men and/or women. It doesn’t mean that they will be.
If he’s bi, does that mean he won’t be satisfied being with me?
Think of it this way: you’re with your boyfriend for many different reasons, right? If you’re straight, there are literally millions of single men around the world who you could be dating instead of your current guy. You might even find a lot of them attractive if you were to see them on the street.
Same goes for your bi boyfriend. If he’s attracted to both men and women, then he has a wider potential dating pool than someone who’s solely attracted to women. He’s with you, however, which means that he thinks you’re awesome.
Think of it in terms of drink preferences. You might love red wine, but aren’t opposed to the idea of having a beer now and then. That said, if you never drank a beer, you wouldn’t miss it: you like wine just fine. Even if you’ve had beer before, you’ve found a wine that you adore and don’t feel a need to beer it up.
Same goes for your guy. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be.
What if he wants to explore his sexuality with other guys?
This falls more into the realm of polyamory and open relationships and is another conversation you two will need to have. If he’s new to bisexuality and wants to explore this kind of connection with another guy, you two will have to renegotiate the parameters of your relationship.
For example, people who prefer monogamy are rarely comfortable in polyamorous relationships. They want the security of a dedicated one-on-one relationship, and don’t want to share their partner with anyone else. That’s absolutely okay: open partnerships aren’t for everyone.
If you’re in a situation where your boyfriend feels a strong need to experience sexuality with other men, but you’re not comfortable in a poly relationship, you’ll need to talk things through with him openly and honestly. Maybe you’d be okay with taking a relationship break so he can do his thing for a while, then revisit things several months down the road to see where you both are.
Alternatively, if you’re not okay with waiting and he’s not okay being monogamous with one gender, you both have the opportunity to pursue your own leanings with those who are more compatible with you. Breakups are always difficult, but living in a manner that isn’t true to either of you is much harder.
Is he going to leave me for another guy?
There’s no way to determine ahead of time whether relationships are going to last forever. Most people have several different relationships over the course of their lives. Some last longer than others, and some make the jump to marriage.
The fact that he’s bi doesn’t automatically mean that he’s going to leave you for another guy. No more than you’ll leave him for another guy, or he’ll ditch you for another woman. There are a million reasons why people break up, but a sudden confession about bisexuality isn’t generally one of them.
In fact, many situations like this end with the hetero partner breaking things off because they don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s bisexual. He’s likely far more afraid of you leaving him because of his confession than the other way around.
Does his bisexuality mean that he’s effeminate?
Not necessarily, no. There’s a long-standing stigma that implies that bisexual and gay men are somehow less manly than heterosexual ones. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because a guy is interested in other men sexually, doesn’t mean that he’s weak.
Is my health in danger?
No more than it would be with anyone else. If the two of you are being as safe and responsible as possible sexually then there shouldn’t be an issue.
It’s always a good idea to get sexual wellness check-ups to make sure neither of you have any STIs. That said, unless he’s having reckless, unprotected sex with guys and isn’t telling you about it, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
Am I allowed to be upset about just finding out about this now?
You’re “allowed” to feel whatever you need to feel. A lot of people are quick to jump down others’ throats for daring to experience real human emotions in the face of revelations such as these. They’ll shame people for feeling hurt, insecure, and uncertain instead of instantly accepting, and that’s not right at all.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s important for you to explore them. Make sure to do so in a way that’s respectful to everyone involved. It’s taken a lot for him to open up to you about this, so try to avoid being accusatory or mean toward him. It’s understandable that you might feel shaken and disoriented by all of this, but try to talk things out as calmly as you can.
Remember that you two love one another, and are here to be supportive, loving, and kind to each other through thick and thin.
Is it okay for me to talk to other people about this if I feel confused or overwhelmed?
It is, as long as you ensure that his privacy is respected. If he’s asked you to keep this a secret, but you feel that you need extra support by talking with someone else about it, ask him if he would be okay with you discussing the topic with a therapist. They’re bound by patient confidentiality, so his secret would be safe with them as well.
He’s trusted you with this information, and it would damage his trust in you if you confided in a friend or family member and they blabbed it elsewhere. If he’s dead set against you talking about this with anyone, make it clear to him that you need to talk to someone other than him, and preventing you from doing so wouldn’t be fair to you. You’ve held space for his feelings and emotional support, and you need your own supports in turn.
Both of your feelings need to be taken into account here. If you’re doing your best to be loving and accepting with his openness about his sexuality, then he should support you in turn by letting you discuss things with a trusted counselor. Your feelings matter here too, and shouldn’t be repressed or worked through alone, especially if you’re struggling and confused.
Does he think I look masculine?
Probably not. If someone is attracted to men and women, then they likely have a wide range of different types that they’re interested in. Just like bisexual women: a bi woman might be attracted to really masculine guys with beards and tattoos, and also be interested in feminine women who love makeup and dresses.
We can be attracted to a wide range of different people for countless different reasons, and physical attributes only make up a small portion of that attraction. Personality, sense of humor, shared interests, and values are also huge aspects to consider.
That said, you might have certain traits – physical or mental – that he finds attractive in both genders. For example, if he’s big into fitness and you’re athletic and high energy, then those traits fit into his “type,” regardless of XX or XY chromosome pairings. Alternatively, you could share his passions for literature, history, and horseback riding, and you two developed a shared bond over those interests.
As an aside, he might be the type of person who appreciates femininity in all genders, e.g. he might be attracted to very effeminate men as well as traditionally feminine women.
Is this merely a phase?
This is a complicated question that can only be determined by him.
Some younger people go through different phases in which they explore a variety of different clothing styles, musical tastes, and even religions to try to determine who they truly are. The current zeitgeist is one in which people are exploring a wide range of gender expressions and sexual proclivities as well.
It’s not unusual to come across terms like “genderfluid,” “nonbinary,” “pansexual,” “ace/aro,” etc. in people’s social media profiles. There are many different expressions and leanings that people are now more comfortable exploring. This also means that many folks are trying to figure out exactly who they are and who they’re attracted to.
For younger people in particular (e.g. teenagers and young adults), there might be a certain amount of social pressure to take part in this trend. Someone who has up until now been firmly in one camp or another might feel pushed to behave or present themselves differently. They might not be certain where their proclivities lie and want to try on different suits in order to determine the best fit, so to speak.
In doing so, they may discover that they’re actually far more comfortable in this new guise than they were before, but they would have never known that had they not tried it on for size. Others might try out a wide range of different outfits and decide that they liked their original one the best.
So to summarize, we go through different phases every single hour of our lives. We often won’t know whether we truly like, want, or need something until we’ve tried it out. This could be an exploratory phase on his part, or it could be the most sincere thing his soul ever needed.
Will he want to be my “back door” man?
Just because he’s bisexual, doesn’t mean he’s into anal sex. There’s a pretty wide scope when it comes to individual sexual preferences and practices. Many bi and gay guys are fine with oral sex but don’t want to penetrate others anally, nor be on the receiving end, so to speak.
The best way to determine this is to talk to him, of course. That goes for any intimate partnership. Open honesty about sexual desires and preferences is the best way to ensure that you’re both satisfied in the relationship.
Do we have to have threesomes with other guys?
You don’t “have to” do anything – especially not things you aren’t comfortable with.
If he’s expressed interest in being intimate with other men, but you don’t like the idea of him having sex without you, then you two could broach the possibility of a threesome together. Or you could play voyeur and be nearby while the two of them enjoy each other.
Alternatively, if you have zero interest in participating in these shenanigans but you want to encourage him to explore his sexuality, then establish firm boundaries about what you both need, and are comfortable with. For example, you might be okay with him being intimate with a male friend you already know and trust rather than hooking up with a stranger.
Or, you might have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in which you set out parameters that you’re okay with (not at home, make sure to use condoms), but ask him to keep the details to himself.
Is it okay for me to talk to him about my fears and insecurities?
Of course! Relationships are all about intimacy – both emotional and physical. He’s taken a huge leap of faith in opening up to you about this personal aspect of himself. In turn, he’ll undoubtedly want to be there for you as you express how you feel about all of this.
Furthermore, talking to him openly about everything you’re thinking and feeling will be a massive relief to both of you. He can answer all the questions you might have (has he known this all his life? Why did he wait so long to tell you? etc.), which can go a long way toward reassuring you about the strength and stability of your relationship.
Being this honest about how you both feel has the potential to bring you even closer together.
Am I a jerk for being less attracted to him now that I know he’s bisexual?
This is something you’ll need to sort out for yourself after a bit of soul-searching. For example, would you feel like a jerk if you were less attracted to him if you found out his ancestry included a certain ethnic background or religion?
Ask yourself some heartfelt questions about your discomfort and loss of attraction, and try to be as honest as you can be with the answers. Think about the topics we’ve covered here, and try to determine why you’re feeling less attraction.
- Do you feel insecure about his commitment to your relationship?
- Are you repulsed by the idea of men being intimate with one another?
- Do you feel like he’s less of a man for being into other guys (especially if he’s a submissive or “bottom” type?)
- Are you worried that he’ll want an open relationship or a threesome?
Once you’ve determined what it is you’re really feeling, you can determine whether you’re actually experiencing a loss of attraction, or trying to negotiate conflicting emotions based on various fears and unfounded biases.
If I’m uncomfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with him, am I homophobic?
The word “phobic” gets thrown around with a great deal of enthusiasm these days, to everyone’s detriment. To be “phobic” about something means that there’s fear involved, and doesn’t take into account the fact that people can have a wide range of attractions and aversions without fear or hatred even coming into the picture.
If you are sincerely put off by the idea of two men having sex, then it’s not surprising that you’d feel differently about your boyfriend being bisexual. That isn’t a “phobia” – it’s a preference. It’s rather like a devoted vegan being put off from the idea of dating a carnivore because they find their meat-eating habits repulsive.
These individuals’ personal preferences are incompatible. They don’t hate each other, they’re not afraid of one another, but neither of them want physical intimacy with the other because of their personal life choices.
That doesn’t mean that these preferences won’t be hurtful to other people, especially if they’ve been living with a great deal of confusion and shame about their personal leanings.
It takes a startling amount of courage to be honest about one’s personal truths. Opening up and coming out publicly as being gay or bi, or having a different gender expression than what was assigned originally can be a terrifying prospect for many people. One of the main reasons why it’s so daunting is because of the high risk of rejection from those they love the most.
If you’re uncomfortable being with him solely because he’s bisexual, it’s important for you to understand why you’re reacting this way. Consider talking to a trained professional who can help you dig deeper and figure out where your negative associations stem from.
He didn’t tell me that he’s bisexual: I found out on my own. What do I do now?
This aspect is a lot trickier than if he came out and told you about it himself.
There are a lot of different ways that someone can find out that their boyfriend is bisexual. He might have forwarded you a photo or email accidentally. Or perhaps you came home early one day and caught him in bed with a male friend of his. Maybe you’ve had your suspicions for a while and did some digging in his texts, or a friend of yours let you know that they found his Grindr account accidentally.
However you found out, you’re probably experiencing a fair bit of shock right now.
A situation like this requires some intense discussion. You can expect that he’ll probably deny it immediately, then get defensive and accusatory about you digging into his personal life. Try to stay strong about discussing things: it’s likely that he’ll finally admit to it despite not initially wanting to.
At this point, you can have an open, frank discussion about where you both are, what you’re feeling, and where you want to go from here.
Try to stay grounded and rational rather than allowing your emotions to run haywire. Take long walks in between discussions if you need to, but try to avoid lashing out at one another.
This a difficult topic to negotiate, so place primary emphasis on the fact that you two love each other and have been together this long for a reason.
Work with that, together.
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If your boyfriend has chosen to come out to you as bisexual, then that tells you a number of different things.
Firstly, it tells you that he trusts you a great deal. He’s telling you that he’s also attracted to men, knowing full well that you might want to end things with him as a result.
He may have been struggling with this for a long time – torn between wanting things to remain happy and stable with you, but also wanting to be honest about who he is. Please try to be understanding and supportive with him about opening up to you like this.
Alternatively, if you found out that he’s bi before he had a chance to tell you himself, you’re probably hurting deeply right now. It’s wholly understandable if you experience a maelstrom of conflicting and confusing emotions while you’re processing all of this. If you have a therapist, it might be a good idea to talk this through with them. They might be able to offer you a non-judgmental ear and some guidance, especially if you’re feeling lost and confused.
You could even try relationship counseling together, if you both feel that it’s important to do so.
Ultimately, remember that relationships are all about honesty, communication, trust and commitment. They also require a conscious decision made daily to continue this commitment. New information requires open discussion, as well as patience and compassion with one another.
You two have gotten through everything together so far, and you can get through this too.
Still not sure what your boyfriend’s sexuality means for your relationship? This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. But Relationship Hero can guide the way and help you achieve the best outcome. Through regular sessions with a dedicated relationship expert (by yourself and/or as a couple), you’ll learn precisely how to create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship—one that can last a lifetime. Learn more about Relationship Hero and get the kind of tactical relationship advice and ongoing support you need.
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