Do you feel fake, but you’re not sure why? This article aims to provide some answers.
All of us go through periods where we don’t feel completely like ourselves. This can happen during times of transition when we’re trying to figure out who and where we are.
Other times, we might deal with existential angst while sipping a frappawhippy drink we can’t actually stand, surrounded by people we don’t even like. Suddenly we feel like complete imposters or actors in our own lives and don’t know what to do about that feeling.
So why does this happen? What are some of the reasons a person may feel like a fake or fraud? Let’s take a look.
Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you overcome feeling like a fake. You may want to try speaking to one via BetterHelp.com for quality care at its most convenient.
Why Do I Feel Fake?
1. Imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome affects a surprising number of people—some of whom you’d never expect. My partner and I have both met a wide variety of folks (some famous, many not), and some of the most well-known ones have dealt with raging cases of imposter syndrome.
In many cases, people have earned accolades because of something they’ve done or created, such as inventing something spectacular or writing an amazing book. Suddenly they’re celebrated by thousands singing their praises. But internally, they feel like blazing frauds.
Maybe that invention was inspired by a dream, or the book idea came about through late conversations with a friend. All the events that unfolded seemed to come about without great effort on their part, so how can they take credit for the success?
In other cases, a person might have a fantastic job and feel like they have no idea what they’re doing. So, they phone it in, give presentations that terrify them, “fake it” at their desks, and muddle through as best they can. All the while, they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop; for everyone else to realize that they’re playing pretend, and they really are just Muppets behind a curtain.
Imposter syndrome often comes about due to influences in one’s early life. For example, if you made the honor roll after years of being mocked for your sub-par academic achievements, you would likely feel like you didn’t deserve it. Similarly, if your parents insulted your appearance on a regular basis and then someone complimented your good looks, you probably wouldn’t believe them.
Furthermore, you’ll be far more likely to believe and trust negative feedback than positive reinforcement. This is because you’ve become so accustomed to abuse that if someone says something nice to you—even about something that’s absolutely valid about yourself—you just can’t bring yourself to believe that it’s true.
Many people who suffer from imposter syndrome are highly intelligent, but they also straddle the line between perfectionism and procrastination. They’ll be amazingly good at what they do, and hold themselves to impossibly high standards, but they’ll also hold off on putting the work in because they expect insults and cruelty as compensation. Then, when they don’t receive negativity, they don’t trust the end result.
This can be an extremely difficult situation to work through and often requires help from a therapist or counsellor to get over.
2. You’re living someone else’s dream, not your own.
Take some time to analyze the different aspects of your life. This can include your job, your home decor, your fashion style, even the foods you eat. Now ask yourself if you’re truly happy with those things or if you’ve made those choices so other people will be proud of you.
Let’s say you have a parent who thinks you’d be amazing at a particular job because of your skills and personality type. You may have no interest in that career, but they’re so persuasive and enthusiastic about it that you feel like maybe they have a point… and what’s the harm in pursuing it? After all, they have more life experience, and you don’t want to let them down.
So, you do the thing that you’re expected to do, and you may even excel at it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right for you.
Things get even worse if you’re getting recognition and accolades for the thing you’re doing. You feel like a fake and might hate every second of it, but others admire you and wish that they were you. As a result, you might feel like you’re being dramatic or ungrateful, since so many others just WISH they had your life.
It’s not a fun situation to contend with, and it can lead to anxiety and severe depression.
3. You’re navigating unfamiliar territory.
Comfort zones are named as such for a reason: they’re comfortable. We’re cozy and confident in them and often allow ourselves to stagnate in them because they’re easy to deal with. We know these zones inside and out—how they work and how to adjust them to our greatest benefit.
As a result, when you’re in unfamiliar territory, you might feel as though you’re playing a role rather than being yourself. You might be wearing the right clothes and saying the right things, but everything you do feels performative.
If this strikes a chord, recognize that this too shall pass. After all, that comfort zone you were so cozy in was new to you once as well. You weren’t born into that situation. You immersed in it, adapted to it, and mastered it until it was second nature.
The same thing will happen to new experiences too. You just need to give yourself time and space to learn and adapt accordingly.
4. You try to match other people’s energy.
Have you ever come home from a function and just crashed? Maybe you just couldn’t bear to hear one more person talk at you, or you were exhausted from trying to be as perky and social as those around you.
This often happens when someone tries to consistently match the energy levels of others around them, to their own detriment. You might be able to keep up while at work, but you crash from exhaustion as soon as you get home.
Many introverts suffer from this, as extraversion is often treasured—and even demanded—in the workplace. This is especially true if your job involves public relations, event management, human resource work, or other situations in which you have to do a lot of social interaction.
If you’re naturally a rather quiet, reserved person, but you’re surrounded by bubbly, high-energy colleagues, you might feel like you’re expected to “keep up” with their output. In some cases, not meeting their energy might result in you being called a “downer,” or repeatedly asked what’s wrong with you (e.g., if you’re feeling ill or whatnot).
Should you find that this is the case, you might be better suited to a different job: perhaps one that requires a lot of alone time. Research, data entry, writing, coding, and graphic design are just a few options for introverts who don’t have a lot of extra energy to spare.
The same goes for social circles. If you feel drained after spending time with friends rather than reenergized by them, you might want to find new friends who better match your own energy output.
5. Your choices aren’t being supported or validated by other people.
This can be one of the most difficult reasons to contend with.
You might be fully aware that you’re skilled and knowledgeable in your chosen field, for example, but if you aren’t getting proper respect and recognition from your family, friends, peers, and superiors, you may begin to doubt yourself on a fundamental level and feel like a phony as a result.
This often happens when and if you have a career (or personal hobbies) that aren’t respected (or even understood) by those around you. That said, lack of respect or validation can also happen when it comes to personal relationships.
For instance, if you’ve chosen to pursue a relationship with someone of a different cultural background, you might be contending with a constant barrage of insults and unkind remarks that make you question your own motivations. A common one may be informing you that you’re only with that person to prove how “woke” you are.
Over time, these comments can wear away on your self-esteem and make you wonder if there’s any credence to them. As a result, you might end up feeling like a fake: that you really are a poser whose choices revolve around seeming cool or rebellious, rather than because you’re following a true path of heart.
6. You’re not the same person anymore.
Some people feel a sense of alienation and confusion when they no longer feel joy or fulfillment doing things that they once loved. As such, they might seem to just be “phoning it in” when it comes to previously loved pastimes.
Maybe you used to love going out for drinks with friends on a Friday night, but now you’re more annoyed by the process than anything. Or you used to adore a particular hobby, but now taking part in it seems hollow and empty. You might stare at craft materials and not give a single damn about finishing any of your projects, or films that you once adored now bore you to tears.
When and if this happens, you might feel obligated to keep taking part in them because, well, that’s just what you’ve always done.
Some of these pastimes might have been intertwined into the very personality that you identified with. Since they’re no longer engaging, you might feel like you’re simply pretending to be something you’re not to maintain the status quo. This can be especially true if these pursuits are linked with your social life. What happens to your social circle if a fundamental aspect that linked you to these people doesn’t fit right with you anymore?
It’s not just okay to change and grow as an individual: it’s vital that you do so. Imagine what we’d be like if we never changed! You might still be wearing clothes you thought were cool when you were 11 years old, and that’s a terrifying thought.
Evolution is inevitable, and it’s an admirable part of personal development. Allow yourself the space to grow into the person you’re capable of becoming. Those who love you will still accept and support you unconditionally, and those who don’t… well, you might have outgrown those friendships as well.
7. You somehow don’t feel that you “deserve” everything you have.
There’s a song by the Talking Heads entitled “Once in a Lifetime,” which was released in the early 80s. The lyrics deal with a sort of existential angst in which the listener may feel like they don’t truly believe that they have everything they have, or how they got there:
“And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife”
Many of us glance around ourselves and wonder WTF is happening and how on earth did we get here? One minute we were gangly teenagers with braces and bad hair, and now we have degrees, mortgages, and families. But aspects of those teen selves are still with us; still part of us.
Those aspects might lead us to believe that we somehow don’t “deserve” the things we have. Maybe if the people around us knew about the stupid habits we had when we were younger, or the secret interests we never share with others, they wouldn’t want anything to do with us. Maybe if our employers knew how little confidence we have in our abilities, they’d fire us.
This feeling of being undeserving of the various blessings you have can take a massive toll across the board. It all boils down to low self-esteem, and it might have been caused by a number of different contributing factors.
8. You’re struggling with depression (and might not even realize it).
Depression can manifest in a number of different ways, and one of them is a feeling of self-alienation. If you’ve been feeling like a fraud for a while now, it’s possible that your mind and soul are trying to get your attention; trying to let you know that something needs to be attended to as soon as possible.
Anyone can suffer from depression at any point in their lives. They don’t necessarily need to have previous experience with it, nor a family history of emotional or mental despair. There can be a number of contributing factors, and it may manifest in several different ways.
If you feel that you may be depressed, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Catching issues before they can get too severe might make an enormous difference in your overall health and wellbeing.
How To Stop Feeling Like A Fake
It is a good idea to seek professional help from one of the therapists at BetterHelp.com as professional therapy can be highly effective in helping you to feel like less of a fraud.
One great thing about feelings is that they can change. In fact, feelings can change rather quickly provided that they have an avenue that they can follow. Like water, they often follow the path of least resistance. As such, if you forge a new path for them to flow in, your feelings can start whooshing in an entirely new, healthier direction.
The tips below may help you stop feeling fake, and help you live a much happier, more fulfilled life as a result.
Discover who you really are so you can live as authentically as possible.
This might sound like so much new age hokum, but there’s a reason why so many people search for tips on soul searching and living authentically.
How many times have you endured situations you couldn’t stand for the sake of appearances? Worn clothes you disliked because they were currently in fashion, or listened to music you despised because other people were into it?
My guess is that’s happened more times than you can count.
People who live authentically tend to be much happier and more fulfilled than those who simply follow the crowd. That’s not an easy path to take, however, so it’s important to be aware of that. You’ve undoubtedly noticed how xenophobic many people can be and how they shun and ostracize those who are different from the rest of the herd.
As such, living a life that’s true to your authentic nature will require a fair bit of bravery and strength. You’ll come across mockery and disdain from many, but you’ll also receive a tremendous amount of encouragement and support from others. Guess which ones are the best to keep in your life?
When and if you feel fraudulent, try to take that as a sign that there are aspects of your life that need to be analyzed and revisited. Beneath this feeling is a glimpse of the person you know you truly are. If you’re patient with yourself, and you allow yourself some space and time to work through what it is you’re feeling, you’ll likely glean a much better idea of what it is you’re supposed to be doing instead.
This shows a massive amount of both strength of will and integrity: most people would continue to traipse through life as though it were a masquerade, but you can’t do that. You need to find who you really are, and honor that person with the sincerity and dignity they deserve.
Stop seeking validation from others.
This one seems like a no-brainer, but it can be immensely difficult to do—especially if you’ve been raised in such a way that your self-esteem is profoundly affected by what other people think and say about you.
You don’t need other people to say that you’re beautiful in order to be a gorgeous, luminous being. Similarly, you don’t need officials from higher learning institutions to tell you that you’re intelligent. A certificate from a university proves that you’ve been able to recite information to suit someone else’s whims, not that you truly know what you’re talking about on a fundamental level.
Many indigenous peoples around the world have extensive knowledge of thousands of plants. They’re natural ethnobotanists who can’t just identify species by sight, but can tell you which are edible or medicinal, and how to use them. Yet these people’s knowledge is often discounted by degree holders because indigenous knowledge wasn’t learned in a classroom and doesn’t come with a framed certificate.
The same goes for gifted artists who aren’t classically trained, amazing chefs who never set foot in a cooking school, and so on.
Start to admire and appreciate your own skills without needing them to also be acknowledged by others. Sure, it’s nice to feel “seen,” but ultimately the only person whose opinion about you matters is YOU.
You’re not a fraud or imposter because you’re self-educated (autodidactic), nor are you any less amazing because other people haven’t howled your name in a crowd. Learn to take a good look in the mirror and appreciate the brilliant beast you see looking back at you.
Others will come and go in your life, taking their opinions with them as they do. But you will remain, and your own opinion matters. Start being your own biggest advocate and cheerleader and things will seem significantly brighter.
Find the things you love to do, and do them!
Whether you’re struggling with depression or you’re trying to find your authentic self, you may be having difficulty determining what types of things you like to do. As mentioned before, the things you used to love might not inspire the same types of joy that they once did. As such, you might try to force yourself to do them because you’re “supposed” to enjoy them, and maybe if you keep at it, you’ll rekindle that joy, right?
Nah.
The world is resplendent with a gazillion things you can do to enjoy yourself. Try switching things up a bit to see if you just need a change of pace, or try out several different things that you’ve never tried before if you’d like to explore something completely different.
For example, if you’ve always been an avid reader but your go-to genre bores you to tears now, choose a genre you’ve never delved into before. You may find yourself captivated, thus rekindling your bibilophilia. Alternatively, if you’ve been an avid runner or cyclist but you cannot be bothered to do either anymore, try weight training or martial arts instead.
Be patient with yourself.
We touched upon this earlier with the reminder that everything we experience now was once new to us. That actually goes for every single life experience we have. Furthermore, we continue to evolve every second of every day. You’re literally not the same person you were a decade ago.
As such, you may need to keep getting to know yourself on a fundamental level, and be patient with yourself as this very personal, sacred relationship evolves.
Take long walks in nature to clear your mind, and consider keeping a journal so you can record your thoughts and feelings on a daily basis.
You are you: a beautifully flawed, ever-evolving work of perfection that has all the answers you will ever require, provided you give yourself the space to breathe and express yourself when needed. Let this evolution flow rather than trying to force it, and you may be amazed at what unfolds. Like letting a garden go wild, you may discover some absolute treasures that you never planted yourself but which simply needed the space and right conditions in order to flourish.
Finally, don’t ever feel pressured or obligated to explain yourself to other people. When asked who he was, a wise elder once replied, “I am the voice that speaks my name,” and that was enough of an answer.
Know that you are enough, exactly as you are.
Humans have been frolicking upon this gorgeous blue planet for a little over 200,000 years. In all that time, there has never been anyone else exactly like you. Some people use the term “snowflake” in a derogatory manner, implying that people who consider their life experience unique are somehow wrong. But there has never been two snowflakes that were exactly alike.
Even if they were precisely the same size and shape, the conditions that contributed to their formation were different enough that their chemical composition would be slightly different.
Knowing this, how could anyone ever compare themselves to anyone else? Just like you can’t compare apples to oranges because they’re different, you cannot compare one unique expression of divinity in human form with another.
You don’t have to be anything other than who and what you truly are. Others may try to foist demands and expectations upon you, but that’s their issue—not yours. You are absolutely enough. More than enough. Remember that.
Still not sure how not to feel like a fake? Talking to someone can really help you to handle whatever life throws at you. It’s a great way to get your thoughts and your worries out of your head so you can work through them.
Speak to a therapist rather than a friend or family member. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours. They can help you to explore why you feel this way and give tailored advice to help you think and feel differently about yourself.
BetterHelp.com is a website where you can connect with a therapist via phone, video, or instant message.
While you may try to work through this yourself, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can address. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, relationships, or life in general, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to overcome issues that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, therapy is 100% the best way forward.
Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started.
You’ve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. The best thing is to speak to a therapist. The next best thing is to implement everything you’ve learned in this article by yourself. The choice is yours.
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