You like a guy, or a girl, and everything seems to be going great, until suddenly they pull a magic trick. Bam! You got ghosted.
Why?
We’ll be honest with you. When people disappear from your life, it might be because of something you did.
Sure, they might be busy, they could be dating other people, or they could just be a jerk. But is there anything you’re doing that is increasing your odds of getting ghosted?
If you can identify the things you need to work on, you may be able to prevent people from disappearing on you without explanation.
Here are some possible reasons why you may be getting ghosted.
1. You’re rushing things.
It’s fine if you want to move things forward with someone, but they need to be ready too. No one likes to be rushed. If they feel pushed into committing, they might decide not to commit at all.
So, don’t talk about baby names on your first date, and don’t invite someone you barely know to your sister’s wedding six months from now. Leave family get-togethers, talks about the future, and marriage for when you’re in a serious long-term relationship.
Everyone moves at their own pace, and you can scare them away if you move too fast. Maybe it feels like love at first sight to you, but if you want to see them again, control your emotions.
A ghoster may simply not want to get swept up in the attention you’re giving them, the plans you’re making for a future together, or the intense energy you’re giving off.
If you’ve only recently met, they will just move on to a different opportunity with someone else. Someone who is willing to let the connection grow naturally and slowly rather than forcing intimacy where none yet exists.
2. You’re trying too hard.
Are you coming on too strong? Maybe you really like them, so you show it with everything you do and say.
By trying too hard, you are just pressuring them to commit to you, much like if you were dropping baby names on the first date.
Telling them that you really like their dog—that you saw in their old post while stalking them online—is just as scary as the baby names.
Plus, people like to work on earning your love and trust. When you offer it on a silver platter, you don’t give them a chance to pursue you.
People rarely value something unless they have to work hard to get it, and if you make it easy for them, they may take you for granted.
3. You’re idealizing them.
You might think that people like being put on a pedestal, but they don’t. It puts a lot of pressure on them to live up to your impossibly high standards.
The problem with idealizing your partner is that you don’t love them for them. You fall in love with the person you imagined them to be, not the person they really are. When you have so many expectations, the other person may feel overwhelmed and stressed out.
Don’t forget that no one is perfect, so don’t put pressure on your partner to be the ideal partner that you’re looking for.
You might get ghosted because the person you like isn’t as perfect as you imagined them to be and they can’t live up to your high standards.
4. You’re oversharing.
Yes, it’s important to be open, honest, and vulnerable in a relationship, but there is a time and place for everything.
Oversharing too soon in a relationship can get you ghosted because the person feels overwhelmed by your problems.
You should focus on positive things during the first few dates. Sharing your struggles can scare the person away if you do it too soon. Expecting someone to be willing to carry your baggage before they even get to know you is unrealistic.
Yes, they should eventually know that you have family problems and stress at work, but it’s not a great idea to bring these things up to someone new.
You want them to get to know the real you first, not the you that’s influenced by these problems.
5. You’re overly emotional.
It’s okay to feel hurt and angry at your partner for upsetting you. However, no one likes emotional outbursts such as screaming matches, public scenes, and excessive crying.
After something like this happens, the person is likely to ghost you, especially if you have only known each other for a short period of time.
If you show that you can’t control your emotions, the person is going to step back and reconsider dating you.
Your strong emotions can be overwhelming for a new person in your life. If you are prone to emotional outbursts and often cause drama, even a long-term partner may end up ghosting you.
6. You only talk about yourself.
Do you show interest in the other person and ask questions to get to know them better, or do you just talk about yourself?
If you only talk about you, your life, your experiences, your aspirations, it could be off-putting and the reason why people ghost you. And chances are they won’t offer feedback to help you realize the problem because, well, that would be awk.
It is especially off-putting if you’re constantly bragging and talking about your accomplishments. Even if you’re just offering facts about yourself, let the other person do the same too.
If you don’t ask a person questions and only talk about yourself, your date will assume that you’re self-centered. This sort of behavior can really drive a person away.
Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Show interest in what the other person is saying and actively listen. It’s basic respect, but it can make them feel heard and wanted.
7. You talk too much about your exes.
When you’re dating someone new, you are bound to talk about your dating history at some point. While mentioning your previous relationships is okay, talking too much about your exes can make it look like you’re not over them.
In addition, talking badly about your exes and making it all their fault can actually make you look bad.
Talking badly about your exes makes it seem like you’re not willing to own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for your part of the blame.
The new person in your life will likely want to know when the relationship ended and how long it lasted, but that’s pretty much all the info they need. Don’t go on and on about your ex, or even worse, compare them to your current partner or date.
8. You are texting too much.
Are you constantly texting the person you’re dating? Are you blowing up their phone with follow-up messages just because they didn’t respond in a timely manner?
Imagine this happening to a person who hates texting and rarely has time for it.
Even if your partner likes texting with you, there is such a thing as too much texting. You should discuss important things and problems in person, not over messages.
Texting too much can make you look insecure and like you have no life. In addition, you will exhaust the topics that you could discuss in person, and it might reach the point where your entire relationship is in messages, not real life.
People communicate differently when texting versus talking in person. So, it’s important that you communicate more in person. Plus, texting too much can annoy the recipient, especially if they’re busy with other things.
If a ghost comes back into your life, it may be that they saw potential in the relationship but couldn’t cope with all the texting, so consider setting a new and lower baseline for text communication.
9. You send boring texts.
Your new partner doesn’t need to know what you’ve been doing every second of every day. Sending messages like “Hey, what’s up?” and responding to them every day can be exhausting.
Sometimes people don’t know how to respond to a boring message, so they don’t respond at all. Try to be more creative when coming up with messages for your crush.
Use messages to flirt with them, not to send facts about boring everyday things. Ask thought-provoking questions and plan interesting dates.
At some point in a relationship, you can even introduce sexting to spice up your texting and love life in general.
10. You are too involved in their life.
Where are you? What are you doing? Who else is there? Interrogating your partner with messages like these will only make them run for the hills.
You shouldn’t ask what they’re doing every second of every day. Let your partner have a life outside of the relationship and give them room to breathe.
You will seem needy, possessive, jealous, and even paranoid if you keep asking them about their whereabouts all the time.
Such behavior is likely to lead to conflict and other issues around trust that will make the situation unworkable, at least in the eyes of the ghoster.
This is especially dangerous early on in a relationship. You should let each other in slowly and gradually; don’t let your partner’s life consume you entirely.
11. You are jealous.
No one likes jealous scenes and outbursts. Lashing out at your partner because you don’t trust them can easily scare them away and lead to ghosting. Jealousy can be scary and make it appear as though you lack self-control.
Don’t be jealous of your partner’s opposite-sex friends or other attractive people they meet. And avoid checking up on them all the time and snooping on their phone.
Even if your partner gives you a reason to doubt their loyalty, try to have a calm conversation instead of being dramatic.
Don’t scream about some comment on social media when you could calmly let them know that it bothered you when they were flirting online.
And if jealousy is an issue that you find rears its ugly head in every romantic relationship you have, it is a good idea to talk to a therapist about it. Jealousy is often rooted in low self-esteem, anxiety, and the belief that you are somehow undeserving of your partner and that they are going to leave you.
12. You forget about your life.
A lot of people make the same mistake when they get into a new relationship. They neglect other areas of their life and ditch their hobbies and friends. Sometimes, they even get lost in the relationship and forget who they are without their partner.
Your partner might ghost you because you don’t have a life outside of the relationship anymore.
Maybe you also always agree with them and form your opinions based on what they think. This can be overwhelming for them and may cause them to step back.
Don’t forget about your life when you get into a new relationship. Keep spending time with your friends and pursuing your passions.
While not being complete without a partner sounds romantic, it’s actually bad for you. Don’t forget who you are outside of the relationship.
13. You show some red flags.
Red flags can be spotted very early on in a relationship, and this may be why people ghost you.
Maybe you were clingy, you seemed desperate, or your date is simply a judgmental person. Ultimately, if they noticed some red flags, they may just run for the hills.
If you frequently get ghosted after the first few dates, you’re probably showing some common red flags—maybe you appear controlling or it looks like you are still hung up on your ex.
There’s no doubt about it, people you’re dating are judging you to see if you match their criteria. They also have some dealbreakers, and if they notice them, they could ghost you.
14. You’re not handling rejection well.
People often ghost when a person isn’t dealing with rejection well. You get angry at them after rejecting you, you send depressive messages, or you keep pursuing them even though they made it clear that they’re not interested.
This is often the reason people ghost others, and you can’t really blame them.
People may ghost you because they fear your reaction and don’t want to face it. If someone is not into you, they will want to make you aware of that, especially if you persist in pursuing them. Giving you the silent treatment is their way of telling you that they are not interested.
Yes, being rejected can cause all sorts of uncomfortable feelings: shame, grief, confusion, and misery among them. You may feel unimportant, isolated, unloved, even unlovable. But your response to it can shape your future experiences in dating and relationships.
15. You’re into the wrong person.
In the end, what can we say? You might simply be into the wrong person or type of people. You get ghosted a lot because you’re chasing those who don’t reciprocate your feelings, or you’re simply into rude people.
——
Don’t blame yourself for getting ghosted. That is not what these reasons are here for. They’re here to help you identify why people ghost you so that you might prevent it from happening again in the future.
Hey, maybe you’re just attracted to jerks. But maybe you’re repeating the same mistakes that could easily be prevented after some soul searching. Use this article as a springboard to forge healthier relationship habits to minimize the chances of you being ghosted again.
