“A good man is hard to find.”
Those words pass the lips of many a person in their search for love.
But is a ‘good man’ what you should be looking for?
Listen, I’m not about to suggest that you search for a neglectful, toxic, or abusive partner…
…BUT, I do want to highlight that those men who attract the label ‘good’ do not always make the best husbands.
Here’s why:
1. They want to help you all the time.
A little help and support from your partner is a welcome thing, but good men often take it too far.
They want to carry your burdens for you and solve all your problems the moment they arise.
And this can be…disempowering.
You want to stand on your own two feet sometimes rather than have some helicopter husband step in whenever difficulty strikes.
But they insist on “fixing things” even when all you need from them is some comfort and validation of your feelings.
2. They want to help others all the time.
A good man won’t only try to help you—they will do whatever they can to help other people too.
Which is noble and all…you can’t deny that.
But when they are giving so much of their time and energy to others, they sometimes fail to show their partner as much attention as they deserve.
The partner of a good man may find themselves overlooked for some other person in need, and this can lead to feelings of neglect and resentment.
3. They want need you to be happy.
A good man doesn’t just want you to be happy—they need it, and I mean really need it.
They often equate your happiness with their happiness and with the health of the marriage.
If you’re not happy, they feel terrible too.
They will either believe it’s their fault or, as in the first point, they will go full superhero on you and try to fix whatever is causing you to be unhappy.
And that’s a lot of pressure on your shoulders.
Because no one is happy all the time.
And them freaking out whenever you’re not happy might make you feel like you have to hide your true feelings away or risk upsetting them.
It’s a recipe for disaster.
4. They hate conflict and take steps to avoid it at all costs.
Conflict isn’t fun. But it is sometimes necessary.
When couples argue, it can shine a light on all sorts of wants or needs that are going unfulfilled.
It can teach you about each other. It can clarify boundaries. It can be an opportunity to get things off your chest.
But many good men hate conflict. After all, they need you to be happy. And if you’re arguing with them, you’re not happy, are you?
The upshot is this: good men sometimes do not speak the full truth if they believe it will lead to conflict.
And they leave issues unaddressed rather than raise them.
These issues fester and often end up as much bigger problems farther down the line.
5. They struggle to express their own needs and desires.
The picture of a good man so far: wants to help everyone, wants you and others to be happy, does not want to engage in conflict.
The result is a man who avoids expressing his own needs or wants for fear of being a burden, making you or others unhappy, or causing conflict.
He’d much rather suppress his feelings to keep the peace.
And I don’t need to tell you how unhealthy this is for him, but also for his relationship with you.
His need to make everyone else happy can lead to his own unhappiness.
6. They may allow you or others to treat them poorly.
What do you get when you combine a strong desire to help others, the need to see others happy, a reluctance to engage in conflict, and an unwillingness to express needs and desires?
Poor or non-existent boundaries.
Many good men allow themselves to be taken advantage of, treated poorly, and even abused.
And because it’s easier to take our anger or frustrations out on those we love purely because they are so close to us, you may find that you use your good man as a punching bag at times.
And, no, I’m not suggesting you are a bad person for doing so. I’m saying, you probably don’t want to be that person, and you certainly don’t want to be in that kind of relationship.
7. They may neglect their own well-being.
Good men are so focused on the happiness, health, and well-being of others, that they often make big sacrifices to be the good Samaritan.
And don’t get me wrong, we could use a few more good Samaritans in this world.
But without taking a balanced approach to these things, a good man can find himself giving everything he has and not keeping anything back to ensure his own well-being.
He may physically run himself into the ground. He may exert huge emotional effort. He may try to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.
And he will eventually pay the price for it. And so will your marriage.
8. They may have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should look like.
Good men tend to be optimists. They choose to see the good in the world.
And that’s no bad thing.
However, they often want things to be different than the reality they see.
Hence the need to help others and make others happy.
They want to live in a peaceful utopia where problems are few and joy abounds.
They want their marriage to be a peaceful utopia too.
But marriages are not utopias. As much as any couple might try, there will be inevitable ups and downs. No one is immune from ‘relationdips’ no matter what they do.
This unrealistic view of what a marriage should look like can actually be the source of a fair few problems and conflict because you will never be able to live up to the person your husband thinks you are or wants you to be.
Ironically, their wish for perfect harmony can cause disharmony.
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With all this in mind, you may want to look again at your relationship with a ‘good man’ to see how much of it holds true.
Sometimes, these good men make for bewilderingly bad husbands.
