Never apologize using one of these phrases…EVER!
Apologies can go a long way towards repairing hurt feelings and mending betrayed trust…but only if they are sincere. Many people offer what are known as “non-apologies” instead of actually telling the other person that they’re sorry. Whatever reason they have for offering these unapologetic apologies, they’re really quite awful. What follows are some of the most common non-apologies that get slung around at people.
1. “I’m sorry IF…”
Has anyone ever said this to you? If they have, they’ve implied that they’ve seen absolutely nothing wrong with what they’ve said or done, and that you’re the problem in this situation.
The word “if” tucked in there tells us that the wrongdoer doesn’t actually believe that they’ve done something wrong. Saying they’re sorry “IF” means that there *might* have been an issue, rather than acknowledging that yes, there actually was. Or that the hurt only exists in the mind of the person on the receiving end.
2. “I’m sorry, BUT…”
This is an attempt by the wrongdoer to justify their crap behavior. For example, they might try blaming cruel actions or words on the fact that they’ve had a bad day.
Alternatively, they may turn things around and blame the one who got hurt for “making them” behave the way they did. A perfect example of this is “I’m sorry I said something hurtful, but you have to admit that you were being dramatic and I needed to snap you out of it.”
3. “You know I didn’t actually mean what I said/did.”
Many who use this one don’t want to appear “weak” by offering a sincere apology to the hurt party. As a result, they think they’re treading the middle ground by giving what they feel is a peace offering, but without supplicating.
It’s another form of victim blaming, and allows the perpetrator to avoid losing any kind of status by admitting their wrongdoing.
4. “I’m SORRY, OKAY?”
This is a perfect example of someone offering an insincere apology just to shut the other person up.
They don’t actually feel bad about anything. In fact, they likely feel irritated by your “unreasonable” behavior and simply want to say whatever’s going to allow them to tie up the situation’s loose ends and move on.
5. “Mea Culpa.”
One of the worst non-apologies out there is doing so in another language that isn’t their own so they can avoid actually saying the words “I’m sorry.”
In essence, it’s paying lip service and offering a glib phrase that should mollify the miffed party, but without losing face and owning up to them being a jerk. In their minds, saying something in that other language doesn’t count. Not to them, at least. But you should be content with it, of course.
6. “I’m just trying to help.”
If you have the audacity to speak up and let someone know that they’ve either hurt you or overstepped a boundary, then they act like the offended party. After all, they can’t understand why you’re upset: they’re JUST trying to HELP YOU.
In their minds, they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. They’re in the right, and they’re the ones who’ve been hurt or offended because you’re mean and ungrateful regarding their efforts to make you better in their own eyes.
7. “I regret that you felt hurt.”
This phrase doesn’t acknowledge wrongdoing on the part of the person who said or did something hurtful. This non-apology also turns the focus back on them and their feelings, rather than how you felt about the situation.
Again, they’re not taking responsibility for the fact that what they said was hurtful or offensive. There’s no ownership here, but rather saying that they feel bad that you took things the wrong way.
8. “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive – I was just joking.”
Hello gaslighting. This is one of the most insidious non-apologies out there, as it completely invalidates the recipient’s feelings.
A lot of abusive people use this technique to avoid taking any responsibility for being horrible people. They’ll say all kinds of awful things, then when the person they’ve hurt or insulted expresses upset, they’ll turn things around and say that they’re being oversensitive or melodramatic. That they can’t take a joke and to “lighten up.”
9. “I’ve already made it clear that I’m sorry.”
They might have made you a cup of tea or bought you something as a peace offering so they could avoid actually saying the words “I’m sorry.” They then get affronted if you bring up the fact that they haven’t apologized yet.
In their minds, their conciliatory gesture should have been enough to un-ruffle your feathers. They know they did something bad, they don’t want to own up to it, but figure that doing something to counteract their blatant misstep is enough of an apology in and of itself.
10. “I’ll say I’m sorry if you _____.”
Oh, the conditional apology.
In this wretched example, we have a person who’s trying to insist that blame for this uncomfortable situation lay with both parties. As a result, they’re also claiming to be injured in some way, and will only offer an apology if you give them something they want in return.
They’ll often believe that their words and/or actions are completely justified, but if you were hurt in the exchange, then they’ll find a way to be hurt or offended as well.
11. “I guess I should say I’m sorry.”
A phrase like this shows that they don’t actually think they did anything wrong, but figure they should say something/anything that’ll make you get over being upset with them.
It’s all on you, of course. You’re being irrational, over-dramatic, hypersensitive, overemotional. Whatever gaslighting phrase they’re keen on using to invalidate your feelings, that’s definitely what you’re doing.
12. “X told me I should apologize to you.”
This is an example where the person who should be apologizing refuses to accept that they behaved badly. Furthermore, they’ve likely been sulking or giving you the silent treatment until you approach them, but they’ve been pushed into apologizing to you by someone else.
They still don’t think they’ve done anything wrong, but are placating everyone by burbling a phrase that has to be said to keep the peace.
