Wondering how to cut someone off?
Just about all of us have had someone in our lives whom we’ve “tolerated” rather than appreciated.
Usually it’s a situation where a friendship or romantic relationship that started out wonderfully has soured, but neither party wants to admit that.
At other times, there’s a family member who’s been abusive for a lengthy period of time and we just can’t take it anymore.
In the situations above, there comes a time when all we want is for that person to not be in our lives any longer.
Many of us tolerate uncomfortable situations (and people’s company) far longer than we should out of a sense of obligation or compassion. But there comes a time when compassion for self means that we need to take more drastic action.
That’s when we need to seriously consider cutting this person (or these people) out of our lives – here’s how.
1. Use the Gray Rock method.
If you’re going the gradual route and excising them bit by bit, then the first step is to become the friendly gray rock.
This is a common approach when dealing with narcissists and emotional vampires. It involves being polite and available enough, but not giving them any emotional energy. No arguments, no debates. Just go along with whatever they’re saying and let them get bored with talking to you.
In simplest terms, you’re aiming to be as dull and boring as a gray lump of stone.
If they say or do anything that makes you feel like you want to react to it, remain passive. They’ll undoubtedly try to antagonize you so you get defensive or emotional, but don’t rise to the bait. Let their efforts fall flat, and just respond with things like “okay” and “uh huh.”
Humans are creatures of short memory and attention spans. Pretty soon, they’ll lose interest in communicating with you and move on elsewhere to get their emotional fix.
2. Have as little contact with them as possible.
This one might go without saying, but whether you’re taking time to remove someone from your life, or cutting them off all in one go, it’s important to not have contact with them unless absolutely necessary.
For example, don’t pick up the phone if and when they call, and don’t reply to their texts. If you’re in the process of cutting off a narcissistic parent or sibling and you absolutely have to be in contact because of extenuating circumstances, then keep contact absolutely minimal. One-word answers, no emotional exchanges.
Decline invitations to any social functions where they’ll be in attendance, block their number if you can, and ensure that their emails all go into your spam or garbage folders.
3. Restrict them from your social media feeds.
Depending on the person, taking steps to block them on social media may inflame the situation. With narcissists, attempting to show them that you’re cutting them off can make them go into overdrive.
Instead, you can keep them as a follower, but simply restrict your posts. This way, they’ll just assume that you aren’t posting to social media anymore. While you’re at it, you can also mute theirs so you’re not subjected to whatever it is they’re babbling about.
Alternatively, you can let those accounts go dormant, and start new, private ones that are accessible solely to those closest to you, by invitation only.
4. Confide in those you trust.
If you have close friends or family members who know what you’ve been through with this person and are supportive towards you, then enlist their help with going no contact. Let them know that you’re cutting this person out of your life and ask them not to share any information about you if asked.
If and when the person you’re cutting off goes to them for intel, they’ll know to keep details to themselves. Furthermore, they can help deflect inquiries elsewhere if they arise.
What’s more, you will likely benefit from or even need the help of a therapist in order to get this person out of your life and deal with the harm that their presence has caused you.
This is especially true if there is any sort of abuse involved – physical, mental, or emotional. A therapist can not only help you to heal from all that, but they can assist you in making plans to leave the abusive relationship in the first place. Put your safety first and prepare for all eventualities with the assistance of someone who has experienced handling these sorts of situations.
5. If necessary, get the law involved.
You may have to turn to some legal assistance when it comes to cutting someone out of your life. For example, if someone has been harassing you or threatening you and isn’t respecting the fact that you’re ending contact with them.
If possible, document everything that they do to you. Save their texts and emails, and install cameras around your home to record if and when they show up and either harass you or damage your property.
Then get yourself a lawyer. If there’s sufficient evidence, you should be able to get a restraining order against this person. Then, if they break the parameters of that order, they can be arrested.
6. Get actual physical distance, if possible.
In extreme cases, you can always pick up and move somewhere else. This is one of the best ways to cut people out of your life, because you’ll literally be in a completely different place from where they are.
Have you ever moved far away from home before? If so, you’ve probably noticed that precious few people will keep in contact with those who have left their immediate social circles. It’s very much an “out of sight, out of mind” situation. If staying in contact with you requires real effort, then very few people will make the effort to do so.
Unless you’re stuck where you are because of familial obligations (like shared child custody or elderly parents who need your help), consider moving elsewhere. You’re not a tree, and you can put down roots somewhere else. This type of move would be an excellent opportunity to cut ties with unwanted contacts and forge a new set of friendships and relationships.
Don’t leave any nasty parting comments: just change your number, get a new email address, and disappear.
7. Avoid the desire to seek closure.
When cutting someone off, many people seek to have some kind of official closure. They often feel that it’ll make them feel better or stronger, especially after having endured long-term abuse or mistreatment.
The problem with this is that they’ll never get the closure they seek.
Confronting an abuser or a narcissist will never go the way they want it to. Abusive, self-centered people will never have magical epiphanies about their crap behavior simply because someone else has raised a mirror for them.
They won’t look at miles of text or super-long emails and realize that they’ve been the baddies all along! In fact, they’ll likely either laugh at what they consider to be the other person’s mental illness at interpreting their actions that way, or use all of that as fuel for incendiary retaliation.
The only closure you’ll be able to get is the closure you choose.
8. Don’t trash-talk the person you’ve cut off.
When you cut someone out of your life, imagine that they no longer exist in your world. Don’t badmouth them to other people: don’t even acknowledge that they exist.
If anyone asks you why you don’t talk to this person anymore, simply say that your relationship with them had run its course and leave it at that. Or let them know that whatever went down was between the two of you: end of.
When we trash-talk people we’ve cut out of our lives, it makes others question our motivations, and puts us in a very negative light.
9. Once you cut someone out of your life, keep them out of your life.
It can be incredibly tempting to get back in touch with people after they’ve been out of your life for a while. This is especially true if there was a strong emotional bond between you, such as between parent and child, or between lovers.
At times like this, it’s important to go back and remember what their behavior was like towards you. Remember their patterns, and how they’d alternate between love bombing you and treating you like crap. Or waking you up in the middle of the night to help them with a drama crisis, but then leaving you high and dry when you needed help and support.
Don’t look them up online to see what they’re up to, and avoid asking any mutual friends how these people are doing.
Instead, envision your prior connection with them as a ship that has long sailed. Sure, you can have a few fond memories of whatever you shared with them, but pay far more attention to the detritus they left in their wake.
10. Be gentle with yourself about this decision.
Very few people choose to cut others out of their lives just for the fun of it. In fact, most of the people who end up going no contact are those who have been pushed to do so because of other people’s horrible behavior towards them.
Cutting someone off is an act of radical self-love. It shows that you care about and respect yourself enough to put your own well-being ahead of someone else’s wants.
You’ll likely need to be strong in that self-care during this process as you’ll undoubtedly come across some nasty negative push-back from other people. Narcissists will often employ the help of “flying monkeys” in the form of mutual friends, acquaintances, and family members in an attempt to get you back into contact with them.
They may try to lie to you or otherwise shock you to force you to get back in touch with them. It’s not uncommon for narcissists and those with borderline personality disorder to come up with stories about mutual loved ones being hurt or dying just to make a person call or text them. To them, that kind of behavior is totally excusable if it means getting what they want out of the situation.
Make your own psychological, emotional, and physical well-being the top priority here.
When is cutting someone out of your life the right thing to do?
Many people are very quick on the draw when it comes to cutting others off. For example, those who have cluster-B personality disorders (like borderline personality disorders) can have very black-and-white thinking when it comes to those in their social circles.
As soon as another person behaves in a manner outside what they consider to be ideal, they’re suddenly the worst person who has ever lived and need to be cut out of their lives immediately.
For most other people, there are specific behaviors that – once accumulated – can be solid arguments for cutting someone out of their lives.
Most folks are inclined to give others several chances to change their behaviors and redeem themselves, especially if they sincerely care about these people. But if those causing them grief either show no remorse for their actions or continue their behavioral patterns despite being confronted about them many times, then an excision is often the best course of action.
Most importantly, you’ll know that cutting them off is the right thing to do if you feel that your personal safety – whether physical, emotional, or mental – is at risk because of them.
People may want to cut others out of their lives for a number of different reasons, but hesitate to do so because of social pressures. For example, someone might want to cut an abusive family member off because they’ve damaged them badly over the years, but their siblings and other relatives try to pressure them into staying in contact.
As a result, the person being abused might feel like they’re being spiteful for wanting to end the relationship, even though they know they’d feel so much healthier and happier after doing so.
So how can you know if you’re doing the “right thing” by cutting them off, rather than being cruel or vindictive? Well, there are a number of different situations that are solid clues telling you that yeah, you need to cut the cord for your own sake.
Those listed below are some of the main ones.
– This person is abusing you physically, emotionally, or mentally
– You’re being used financially
– They’ve betrayed your trust badly – so much so that trust can never be rebuilt
– You can’t be yourself around this person, but instead have to pretend to be someone/something you’re not to keep them happy, or keep them from mocking you
– The person is treating you like their personal therapist/emotional support animal
– Your relationship is entirely one-sided (you put in a ton of effort and they don’t reciprocate)
– They perpetually put you down (e.g. body shaming or insulting you)
– You don’t share the same values and morals anymore (that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends or partners with those who have different religious or political beliefs, but if they’re being hateful or extreme and acting as though your beliefs are “wrong,” that’s usually a sign to step away)
– Whenever you spend time with them, you feel drained, angry, or depressed
– Their actions don’t match their words: they might consistently say that they’re going to do things but not follow up, or apologize for hurtful actions but keep doing them
– You’re worried about upsetting them or saying the “wrong thing” because they’ll blow up at you for it – essentially, you’re walking on eggshells at all times
– They make you feel obligated to show them physical affection on demand (this could be a hug, a kiss, or sex), whether you want to or not
– You’re constantly called in to deal with their drama, mediate fights, or “save them”
– They make you feel anxious or afraid to be in their presence
– You honestly can’t stand this person at all and want absolutely nothing to do with them ever again
