Do you want to stop being petty?
Petty behavior is a complex aspect of social dynamics.
It’s not so blatant as to cause open conflict like anger can.
It tends to be more passive-aggressive, creating minor grievances that slowly undermine and chip away at relationships.
It’s very much a “death by a thousand cuts” scenario.
It is challenging but possible to overcome petty behavior. Here are some steps that can help:
1. Reflect on your behavior.
Take a step back and consider the times you’ve exhibited petty behavior.
What were the circumstances that caused you to respond that way?
You’ll probably notice recurring situations and patterns where you respond with pettiness. Consider the situation and the people involved in the situation.
How did you feel about the situation? How did you feel about the people involved in the situation? Can you identify the emotion that triggered your petty action or behavior?
2. Identify the root cause.
There is always an underlying reason for pettiness, as we’ve already explored.
Identifying the root cause allows you to address the issue.
Identify the root cause, and work towards correcting that, and it’ll be much easier to avoid petty behavior going forward.
3. Practice empathy.
Develop and practice empathy by trying to understand the situation from the other person’s perspectives, feelings, and experiences.
Don’t assume that because you haven’t experienced the same difficulty with something, the other person’s struggles aren’t real and valid.
By practicing empathy, you can respond with greater understanding and compassion.
Pettiness is an unhealthy reaction to another person’s actions or words, whether they were intended to be harmful or not.
Practicing empathy will also help you see beyond the person’s actions or words to help decide whether they are genuinely and intentionally hurtful or whether you’re just feeling negative about them and are reacting as such.
4. Improve your communication skills.
Expressing your thoughts and feelings directly avoids passive-aggressive, petty behavior.
Open, honest, respectful communication fosters healthier relationships because you don’t have negative undertones affecting the relationship.
And because communication is a two-way street, active listening and responding directly can be powerful tools for unraveling petty behavior.
5. Learn to choose your battles.
Learn to differentiate between minor annoyances and significant issues.
Not every situation requires a response and getting angry over little things only harms relationships.
Sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and let trivial irritations go.
But if there is a significant issue, address it promptly and directly to avoid petty, passive-aggressive behavior.
6. Set healthy boundaries.
Establish clear boundaries for yourself and others. And don’t cross them.
Clear, well-communicated boundaries tell everyone how to respect and be comfortable with each other, which reduces the likelihood of conflict and petty behavior.
Crossing a boundary can make people feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, which may result in them using pettiness as a defense mechanism or to hide their feelings of insecurity.
7. Improve your emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence goes beyond just understanding others’ emotions and relating to them.
It’s about understanding yourself, your emotions, and your reactions to other people’s emotions.
Developing your emotional intelligence will help you recognize when you’re feeling triggered so you can take a minute to cool off before you respond.
Awareness and active management of your emotions can prevent you from falling into old, negative responses and habits.
Developing mindfulness through observing yourself, your thoughts, and your reactions is a major step in improving your emotional intelligence.
8. Seek resolution for grudges.
Actively seek resolution for the grudges and issues you have with people.
Address conflicts promptly and directly, apologizing when necessary, and working towards mutually beneficial solutions.
Sometimes you’ll be wrong, sometimes they’ll be wrong, and sometimes you’ll need to meet in the middle in order to move on.
More often than not, both parties share some responsibility for the issue.
Person A causes a problem (real or perceived) and person B responds with judgment and negativity. Person A then becomes defensive and attacks back and so the ongoing negative responses turn into a spiraling battle of petty tit-for-tat.
Learning to identify and break this cycle is key to letting go of petty behavior.
9. Celebrate the success of others.
Feelings of jealousy and rivalry can trigger petty behavior and one-upmanship.
By learning to celebrate the success of others without comparing them to your own, you can replace those negative, triggering feelings with positive feelings.
Positive feelings don’t trigger pettiness or passive-aggressiveness.
10. Focus on self-improvement.
Self-improvement is about making yourself “better” so you can feel better about yourself.
By focusing on your self-improvement and growth, you can grow more comfortable in your skin, feel more confident, and compare yourself to others less.
As they say, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” The more you compare yourself to others, the worse you’ll feel because there is always someone who’s going to be better than you at something.
Life isn’t a competition after all. It’s just life.
11. Seek professional help.
The truth is, that changing petty thoughts and behaviors is a challenging journey, especially if there are complex underlying causes.
If you’ve read this article and implemented the suggestions, but still find yourself struggling with pettiness, there is no shame in reaching out to a trained professional for help.
Therapists and counselors can help you confront and overcome problems like these.
You may also find that the support a therapist provides can help you to work through the root causes of this behavior, which is likely to have a positive effect on many aspects of your life.
