These traits and behaviors will reveal the covert narcissists around you.
Covert narcissistic abuse is something that many people experience, although they aren’t always aware of it.
This is because covert narcissism manifests differently from overt narcissism, and thus may not be as easy to spot.
Since the abuse is subtle and passive, its effects may not be noticeable until it’s gone on for a significant amount of time.
Let’s touch upon the traits and behaviors commonly exhibited by covert narcissists. They don’t all exhibit every sign and trait, but you’ll likely recognize most of them in covert narcissists around you.
1. Lack of empathy.
One of the most common covert narcissist traits is a lack of empathy for others. Covert narcissists are so focused on getting their own needs met that they don’t seem to see (or care) when those around them are suffering.
For example, a covert narcissist may have a partner who’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown from seeing to their every need on a constant basis, and who is in desperate need of a vacation to re-energize and regroup.
Instead of recognizing that their partner is burnt out, the covert narcissist will get resentful and angry at the thought of having their routine disrupted, and may sabotage the holiday plans in order to ensure that the status quo is maintained.
2. Hypersensitivity to criticism.
Another term for covert narcissism is “vulnerable narcissism” because of how hypersensitive covert narcissists are to anything that makes them feel bad.
A comment about how something they’ve done could be improved will be construed as a personal attack and make them feel utterly defeated, whereas someone without NPD would simply acknowledge the feedback and possibly incorporate it into future actions.
The slight criticism might make the covert narcissist give up on whatever they were doing to avoid getting criticized about it ever again. This may involve them discarding a hobby that had up until now brought them joy, or refusing to partake in an activity in which they received anything other than praise.
Something as subtle as suggesting that they add extra sauce to the lasagna they made might involve them going off to cry for hours about what a horrible cook they are, followed by never cooking that dish again for the rest of their lives. They may not even eat another person’s lasagna because of the traumatic ego wounding they associate with that dish.
3. Feigned humility.
Many covert narcissists use self-deprecation or false humility to encourage others to appreciate and praise them. Furthermore, their public face will rarely mirror their home or personal life.
The narcissistic mother who’s adored by her PTA or church group for being so selfless and humble might manipulate her children into doing all the housework or cooking that she takes credit for.
Similarly, the covert narcissist in the workplace who constantly puts themselves down about their supposed shortcomings or awkwardness knows full well how capable they are, but the praise and encouragement they receive from their peers and superiors helps to feed their delicate egos.
4. Fantasy-based goal setting.
Many covert narcissists have rich internal landscapes in which they indulge in goal-based fantasies.
For example, they might daydream about how much admiration they’ll win after they write the best-selling novel of all time, or how respected they’ll be when they earn a PhD in a particular field, or win the gold medal in a sporting event.
They’re so ideal-hungry that it doesn’t matter whether these daydreams have any basis in reality: they revel in their fantasies and get defensive if they’re confronted or questioned about them.
A covert narcissist will have a litany of excuses and explanations as to why they haven’t achieved these goals yet.
For instance, they might choose the martyr route and claim that they have their award-winning novel fully formed in their mind, but they don’t have time to write it because they have to see to everyone else’s needs and demands without any help.
Similarly, they’ll claim that they can’t go back to school because they’re supporting others financially, and they can’t train physically because they’re too tired or sick from sacrificing themselves for their families for years.
In reality, they might not exercise at all nor have any academic leanings, but they’ll cling to these fantasies nonetheless.
5. Perpetual victimhood.
Covert vulnerable narcissists often fully embody their victimhood. They use it as both a ladder and a shield to climb to wherever they want to be and protect themselves from any unwanted accountability.
For example, if they’re confronted about their poor behavior, they may tear up and talk about how they never learned any differently because their parent abandoned them before they had a chance to teach them.
Additionally, if someone they’re manipulating defends themselves against gaslighting or criticism and thus makes the narcissist feel bad, they’ll behave as though the one who defended themselves injured them horribly for no reason whatsoever.
If they have some sort of relationship with said person, they’ll keep referring back to that action for years in an attempt to wound the perpetrator (in their eyes) and hopefully make them feel bad for causing them pain.
6. Judgmental behavior.
Whereas overt narcissists are extraverted in their self-aggrandizing behavior, covert narcissists keep all that grandiosity inside.
As such, their thoughts about other people’s inferiority to themselves will manifest as internal dialogs full of judgmentalism, jealousy, condescension, and contempt.
If they do express any of these thoughts, then they will likely be passive in their expression.
For example, they might make backhanded compliments and comments about those whose work or achievements they feel are undeserved, or should have gone to themselves instead.
Someone whose work colleague earned a promotion may insinuate that the person earned it by sleeping with the boss, for example. Or they might claim responsibility saying that they’re the one who did the majority of the work on the project and thus should have been promoted instead, but that the other person is a more appealing age, aesthetic, race, gender, or other trait different to their own, and thus got the accolades instead.
7. Expectation of caretaking.
Remember that the covert narcissist will expect caretaking regardless of what their partners or family members are going through. They learned very early on that their value depends entirely on how they appear to others, and that other people’s value depends on what they can provide to the narcissist.
This is especially true if the covert narcissist was a shamed child: they project past wrongdoings by their parent or guardian onto someone else and then put that person in a position where they’re forced to care for them.
Additionally, since vulnerable narcissists need external validation to feel valued, they often expect their partner to cater to all their wants and needs, and to make themselves available as required—even at the expense of their own wellbeing.
If their partner doesn’t anticipate their needs or cater to their wants on demand, the narcissist might start to feel insecure and anxious, worrying that they’re no longer first on the priority list, and then seek out backup support.
8. Depression and anxiety.
A 2020 study from Germany showed that those with vulnerable (covert) narcissism are prone to suppressing their emotions, leading to distress including depressive disorders and anxiety. This emotional suppression also prevents them from feeling other emotions such as joy, which in turn can intensify their depression.
Furthermore, a covert narcissist may develop anxiety if they feel that their security is threatened. This is one of the reasons why they try to control everyone around them through passive manipulation—as long as they can maintain an environment they’ve cultivated in order to get their needs met, they’ll feel safe and secure.
If there’s any change or upheaval in the dynamic, they’ll do everything within their power to get things back to what they consider normal.
9. Passive-aggressive control tactics.
While overt narcissists control others via aggression and dominance, coverts do so through body language and subtle, passive responses.
In fact, a covert passive-aggressive narcissist is unlikely to ever raise their voice to express their dissatisfaction. Those who were abandoned or abused as children learned early that their voices didn’t really matter, or that yelling would earn them a punishment, so they learned to get their way via subterfuge instead.
For example, a covert narcissist wife who doesn’t get her own way in a situation may roll her eyes, sigh, withdraw into a locked room (possibly to cry audibly), and offer the silent treatment for protracted periods of time. These behaviors are an attempt to manipulate the other person into feeling guilty about not indulging them and hopefully doing something to make the narcissist happy again.
10. Repeated relationship cycles.
If you’re trying to determine whether you’re in a relationship with an introverted narcissist, find out about your partner’s past.
Covert narcissists tend to repeat the same types of behavioral patterns, as they can only maintain their relationships for so long before they discard one partner for another in order to attain a more favorable pairing.
Covert narcissistic behavior often manifests in what’s known as a “white knight narcissist.” This is a person who masquerades as the perfect partner who swoops in and rescues someone who’s in a difficult situation, thus placing themselves in a position where they’ll be idolized and worshipped.
These types of narcissists seek out (or are drawn to) people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, in difficult financial circumstances, or are dealing with issues such as low self-esteem or disability.
The narcissist will lavish them with love and attention (aka “love bombing”) and take on traits that the person loves most. In essence, they become their dream lover, and thus encourage their target to leave their current situation and be with them instead.
Once that happens, they’ll often propose marriage and thus establish a sense of security for themselves. By doing this, they “lock in” the relationship to feel safe and grounded within it, but they rarely actually marry. This is because they like to have the freedom to leave whenever a better opportunity presents itself. They want the security of an engagement, but not the bonds of marriage.
When you’re learning about your partner’s past relationships, look for these kinds of repeated behaviors:
– Has this person been engaged multiple times without ever marrying?
– Do they talk about how their exes all had numerous issues that caused the relationships to break down, rather than taking any accountability? (i.e. they were perfect and their exes were always the problem?)
– Was your partner always the one to end the relationship?
Once you’ve found out more about your partner’s past, take a good look at your relationship up until this point to look for signs that this pattern is repeating itself.
11. Smear campaigns.
Covert narcissists thrive on positive attention and accolades. As such, they often decry their partners, family members, friends, and co-workers to others in order to garner sympathy and emotional support.
By doing so, they gain the admiration and praise they crave, while also garnering support against those whom they feel bitter toward. The people who show support in these smear campaigns end up being their support pillars in their personal delusions, and may also behave as flying monkeys in the future—taking action on their behalf if and when others go low-contact or no-contact with them.
12. Martyrdom.
Covert narcissists often engage in delusions of self-sacrifice and martyrdom. Sometimes this will be a twisted perspective of a living situation they’re forced to live in, or over-aggrandized ideas of the gestures they perform for others’ benefit.
These are mostly in their own minds, or else largely exaggerated. For example, they might wash a dish or two and then sulk when their partner doesn’t praise them enough for doing so. Then they’ll turn around and tell their friends or family members that they had spent hours cleaning the kitchen and didn’t get a word of thanks for their efforts.
This delusion may expand to the point where they sincerely believe that they’re the ones who are continually making sacrifices for those around them, while receiving very little in turn.
Furthermore, they may imply that they’re continually being used and taken advantage of. As you can imagine, this allows them to cultivate a persona in which they’re perpetually the hero who throws themselves into difficulty for others’ benefit, and they’ll spin stories to try to make others believe this version of the events.
There’s another reason for their martyrdom, and that’s to instill a sense of guilt and obligation in others. The covert malignant or vulnerable narcissist will subtly, passively blame others for their misfortune and then try to reap the benefits of their guilt.
Obligation is a major motivator for a lot of people, and they’ll often try to do what they can for the injured party in an attempt to alleviate their own discomfort—much to the narcissist’s satisfaction.
13. Hoovering past lovers.
This involves getting back in touch with a person they were intimately involved with before, in order to get emotional energy or validation from them through flirtation and/or flattery.
14. Gaslighting.
just like overt narcissists, coverts often try to manipulate those around them so that they’ll doubt or question their own emotions and experiences. This is a means of controlling others by keeping them ungrounded and insecure.
15. Mirroring.
implying that another’s successes or accolades are due to their own contributions and sacrifices. For instance, a narcissist mother letting everyone know that her child’s medical degree was earned thanks to all the help and support she offered while they were in school.
16. Blame-shifting.
Instead of apologizing for dropping the ball on a responsibility or for breaking a promise, they’ll imply that the other person is directly (or indirectly) responsible for their inability to keep their word. For example, if they neglected to pay a bill on time, they might say “I would have remembered if I hadn’t been caught up in all those other things you asked me to do,” or, “I would have remembered to do so if you had written it on the calendar like you write all the other important tasks.”
17. Excuses for everything.
There’s always a reason as to why they can’t take care of a responsibility or take action to heal from issues they had to contend with in childhood. For example, the depression from the abuse they experienced as a child renders them incapable of cleaning the bathroom, or they can’t get therapy for their behavior because they’re too traumatized to be vulnerable with anyone—even a therapist.
18. Emotional masochism.
The tendency to place themselves in positions where they will feel emotional pain, which reinforces how wonderful they are because of how much suffering they can endure.
19. Moodiness and bitterness.
Since they don’t express their emotions the same way overt narcissists do, they get sullen and bitter from everything they keep inside, making snide remarks and muttering under their breath when just out of earshot.
