Why does your spouse seem to blame you for everything?
If your partner blames you for all things, all of the time, that’s a very inaccurate picture of the situation.
But perhaps there is a reason, or reasons, why they do this.
Let’s explore why they may try to pin the blame on you so often.
1. They are stressed.
Life is stressful in many ways: work, relationships, family, health, and financial to name but a few.
If your partner has been experiencing a lot of stress recently, or they simply get stressed easily, they may look for a way to express their anxiety and frustration.
That expression could take the form of blame.
They may see things that are going wrong or challenges that seem too hard to face, and they may blame you for them.
Related article: 12 Tips For Dealing With A Stressed Partner And Helping Them Relax
2. They have low self-esteem.
A person with low self-esteem doesn’t particularly like themselves.
Unfortunately, this dislike can often permeate into their relationships.
They may be struggling with their emotions and with life in general, but they feel unable to ask for help.
Instead, they point the finger at anyone who is present. As their spouse, that means you much of the time.
As with stress, you become an outlet for their difficult thoughts and feelings.
3. They don’t want to change.
Accepting responsibility for their actions means facing up to the possibility that they need to change.
And change is scary for many people, especially when that change involves your own behavior.
It is far easier not to change. So to justify not addressing their own shortcomings, they shift them onto you.
Suddenly, since everything is your fault, they are no longer required to put in the hard work – and it is hard work – to change how they are and who they are.
4. They are a narcissist.
Some estimates put the number of people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder at 6.2% of the population.
And narcissists find it almost impossible to accept any kind of responsibility for things that go wrong.
They cannot admit they are wrong because it would shatter the fragile view they hold of themselves as perfect beings.
Narcissists will always seek to blame someone else for anything they do wrong or anything that goes wrong.
If you are married to one, that person will be you most of the time.
Read our descriptions of three types of narcissist – malignant, covert, and moderate – to see if your spouse might be one.
5. They are a controlling perfectionist.
Some people have a very exact view on how things should be done.
They are perfectionists who can’t tolerate when something is done differently to how they would like.
And so they often become controlling in their behavior, expecting others around them to bend to their will.
Only, it’s impossible to live up to their standards.
The result: blame.
They blame you for not being the perfect person they wish you to be. The perfect person that they are.
Every time you deviate from their expectation of perfection, you get blamed.
6. They are unhappy in the marriage.
If blame is something that has slowly crept into your relationship and that has now reached a peak, it might be that your spouse isn’t happy in the marriage.
And they may see you as the principle reason why they are unhappy.
And so they begin to blame you for everything. You become the focus of their discontent.
Rather than try to talk to you and work through the problems in your marriage, they look for the easy way out.
They pile on the blame in the hope that it pushes you away and ends the marriage.
That way, if you end up getting divorced, it’s your fault, not theirs.
7. They resent you for something.
A separate part of being unhappy in a relationship is a feeling of resentment toward your partner.
They believe you did something that has made their life or your relationship worse.
Even if you both agreed on it, they see you as the primary instigator of whatever that thing was.
Perhaps it was moving to a new city, having children, or even getting married in the first place.
If they feel these changes have not worked out in their favor, or if they are struggling to cope with their new situation, they might blame you for it.
And they don’t just blame you for the big change that occurred, but for everything else that came with it – including their unhappiness.
8. They learned to blame from their parents.
Children are like sponges – they soak up everything they see and hear.
In the case of unhealthy relationship patterns, a child might grow up believing that these are the norm.
If all they ever saw was one parent blaming the other – or both parents blaming each other – they might replicate this behavior in their own relationships.
It starts out as an instinct based upon their childhood, and it quickly develops into a habit that they do without really thinking.
9. They regret something they did.
Sometimes, when a person does something they are not proud of or regret in some way, they project those feelings onto others.
In other words, rather than face up to the regret or guilt, they make it seem like someone else has reason to feel regret or guilt in their place.
This manifests as blame.
Rather than take the blame for something they did, they find a way to blame you for something you did.
These things might be related, or they might not.
10. They feel burdened with responsibility.
Some people may feel like they are taking on a lot of responsibility – more than their fair share in a relationship.
This may or may not be an accurate reflection of the situation. It doesn’t really matter; they see it is as being the case.
So, when something goes wrong – and things do go wrong in life – they feel like they didn’t have enough support and that’s why it went wrong.
Your partner may blame you for their mistakes because you “should have” stopped them from making them.
You should have helped them make a better decision or to carry the burden of a task.
Of course, it doesn’t matter if you already take on much of the responsibility, they still expect you to help them.
This is quite common in people who are self-obsessed or emotionally immature and/or who can’t look after themselves as an adult.
11. They are trying NOT to blame the kids.
Children of all ages can be infuriating at times for all sorts of reasons. Maybe they don’t listen to your requests, they have tantrums, they whinge and whine, they break things by accident, they make a mess. All of this is pretty normal kid stuff.
But if your spouse gets irritated by the behavior or actions of one of your kids, they may take it out on you rather than on the child. Their parental instinct stops them from releasing their anger in the direction of the child (some of the time, at least), and if they can’t find a suitable outlet, they direct it at you.
Your kid spilled a drink and some of it went on your spouse’s laptop – that’s your fault for giving them the wrong type of cup that was too big for them (according to your spouse).
This is known in psychological terms as displacement. They are displacing their anger from your child onto you. It’s important to note that this is still not a healthy or acceptable way to cope with their anger – they need to find better ways to deal with it.
12. They have mental health concerns.
If your spouse is suffering from a mental health condition – especially if that is currently not being treated – it can lead to irritation, anger, and, ultimately, blame.
Anxiety may not seem like it could turn into blame, but anxiety often comes from a perceived lack of control over events. And a lack of control is all it takes for anger to turn from a feeling into a behavior of some sort – in this case blame.
Addiction can also be felt as a loss of control which can then lead to irritation and anger turning into blame.
Some people who suffer from depression will also be prone to angry outbursts.
13. They are hormonal.
Women of certain ages go through a well-established monthly hormonal cycle. Other women may be on birth control medication. Others may be going through the menopause. And then there are those who are pregnant.
Hormones can affect behavior in many ways and irritation is often cited by women as a sign of their hormonal changes.
But men also experience changes in their hormones. Their testosterone levels can vary throughout the day, over the course of a month, at certain times of year, and as they get older.
