Do you find you’re happier when your husband is gone?
Do you find that your mood improves when your husband is away?
That you don’t miss him when you’re apart?
That you relish the time you get without him by your side?
Perhaps you’ve stumbled upon this article because you don’t know what it all means. After all, you married this man, so shouldn’t you enjoy his company and want to spend time with him?
Well… it’s not that simple. No two relationships are the same, and there could be all manner of reasons why you’re happier when your husband is gone.
Some of those reasons are nothing to worry about. Others could be a sign that something is wrong in your marriage.
So let’s unpack why you might quite like it when your husband has to go away for a while.
1. You’re independent.
Possibly the simplest explanation for how you feel is that you are an independent person. And as such, you enjoy the freedom that comes from not having your husband around.
You can do whatever you want to do without having to check with him first. You can live the lifestyle you’d live if you were single – whether that means getting up late, going out for brunch with your friends, pursuing a hobby of yours, or hitting the shops.
If you don’t get to do those things as often as you’d like when your husband is present, it can feel liberating to have your independence back when he’s gone.
You don’t have to consider him, his wishes, or his feelings – not so much anyway. You can make choices for yourself without worrying what he thinks about them (within reason, of course).
What does it mean? Honestly, it means you need to talk to your husband about rediscovering some independence in your marriage. If the two of you tend to do most things together, it can feel a little suffocating. Express your desire to spend regular time doing the things you want to do, and see if you can carve out that time on a regular basis.
2. You’re not getting enough alone time.
This is similar to the previous point, but is more specifically about how you recharge your emotional batteries. Alone time in a relationship is more important for some than others because of the type of personality you have.
If you identify as more toward the introvert end of the introvert-extrovert spectrum, you’ll know how draining it can be to spend time with others. In general, you’ll probably feel less worn out around your husband, but there will come a point where your whole being aches to just be by yourself.
So when your husband goes off somewhere – for work or pleasure or something else – you get the alone time that you need; the alone time you’ve been lacking.
What does it mean? If your husband isn’t an introvert, he may not understand that you need to have some time and space to yourself every so often. Or perhaps he knows but simply forgets just how important it is to you.
Educate him as to why you need some time alone, and remind him regularly if he is filling your calendar with loads of activities. It’s okay to ask to be alone; you shouldn’t feel guilty for it.
3. Your marriage has reached a ‘hump’ after so many years together.
Relationships ebb and flow like the tide.
You can enjoy long periods of relative bliss where you like spending time together, your feelings for your husband are largely positive, and everything just feels ‘right.’ You still fight now and then and things aren’t perfect, but they are generally very good.
You can also have periods where the marriage just feels like hard work. You might struggle to see the good in each other, instead focusing on all the negatives. You may fight a lot. You might even have doubts about the marriage.
Most marriages reached a bit of a ‘hump’ where you spend a longer time than usual in this second state. You might feel a bit stuck in a rut as a couple. This generally happens after you’ve been together for several years.
If this is where you find your marriage, it’s no wonder you breathe a sigh of relief when your husband has to go away for a little while.
What does this mean? Unless your marriage has hit seriously choppy waters, you probably just need to resolve to get over this hump as husband and wife. It will require effort, communication, and trust.
4. Your husband exhibits toxic traits.
Is your husband critical, controlling, selfish, dishonest, jealous? Does he have other traits that might be considered toxic or emotionally abusive?
Or is your husband physically abusive in any way? If so, you’re probably walking on eggshells a lot of the time in the hope of not provoking him.
You no doubt feel a great sense of relief when he isn’t there because you don’t have to put up with those traits and the abuse that stems from them.
What does this mean? In all honesty, you should seriously consider leaving this marriage. As much as you may have committed yourself to your husband when you married him, if he is treating your poorly, he doesn’t deserve that commitment.
You may want to give him a chance to change his ways and seek professional help for his toxic behaviors, but this doesn’t mean you have to stay with him whilst he does.
And if you feel you might be in danger by trying to leave or suggesting he seek help, be sure to seek help yourself first.
5. Your husband annoys you.
You may feel happier without your husband around because when he is around, he annoys you with almost everything he does. With him gone, all those little moments of inner rage are gone too.
Think of your mind like a well that you draw energy from. Every time you get annoyed at your husband, you add a few drops of poison to the well, meaning the energy you draw from it is tainted and negative.
When he’s not around, the well soon clears up and becomes pure. The energy you then take from it is more positive, which improves your overall mood.
What does this mean? You need to find a way to address the things that annoy you about your husband. And you need to do so in a healthy and productive way that leads both to changed behavior from him but also a changed attitude from you.
6. Relationships are hard.
It might not always seem like it when you’re single, lonely, and aching to find someone to settle down with, but relationships can be hard work.
Whenever there is another person involved in anything, you have to factor in each of your expectations, preferences, feelings, baggage. These are some of the key sources of tension and conflict in a relationship.
So to have your own space for any length of time means your life gets a little easier, temporarily at least.
That’s not to say that relationships and marriages aren’t worth it – the good ones most definitely are – but you can’t be with someone and expect everything to run smoothly all of the time.
What does it mean? It means you’re human. It means your relationship is just like anyone else’s in the sense that it brings with it many challenges as well as (hopefully!) many good things. It means you might need to reconsider what you think a relationship should be like.
7. You can be yourself when he’s not there.
Do you find that you hold parts of who you are back when you’re with your husband? Perhaps you didn’t used to, but you’ve gradually hidden them away after learning he doesn’t like those parts so much.
Now you wear a mask – at least some of the time. You don’t always express your truest wishes or your deepest emotions because you don’t get a positive response when you do.
Of course, when he’s away, you can be yourself – your full, true self. And that’s so much easier than trying to be the person you think your husband wants you to be.
What does it mean? If you can’t be who you are around your husband, you have to ask yourself who can you be yourself around? Why have you chosen to hide parts of yourself or put on an act around him? And how do you feel knowing that you can’t be authentically you with him in the room? These are the sorts of questions you need to think about.
8. You don’t love him anymore.
Sadly, love doesn’t always last forever. And if you have fallen out of love with your husband, it’s no surprise that you don’t miss him when you’re apart.
Without love, your marriage probably feels very forced. You may try to put on an act to convince yourself or your husband that things are fine, when they are very much not fine behind the scenes.
So when he’s not there, you don’t have to keep up that pretense, in person at least.
What does it mean? A marriage without love is not really something you should stay in. Which leaves you with two choices: find a way to fall back in love with your husband, or go your separate ways. There are lots of factors that will determine whether you will want to try the former before resorting to the latter.
Either way, it’s a good idea to get some help from a relationship expert to either guide you back to a place of love, or hold your hand as your marriage ends.
