How should you handle a lying spouse?
Being fed lies can make your relationship toxic.
There should be no room for your lies in your marriage.
If your spouse lies about where they were, who they were with, or what they were doing, unless you have a reason to suspect that they’re planning a surprise for you, something is most definitely up.
What now?
1. Don’t blame yourself.
It’s not your fault that your spouse lies to you, and this is true regardless of the type of lie and the reason for it.
If they lied because they were afraid of your reaction to the truth, they probably knew that there’s something wrong with what they were lying about.
You’re not the one to blame if your partner cheats on you, lies to you to make themselves seem better, or hides something from you in order to do something behind your back. It is purely their decision to do so, and you did nothing to deserve to be treated that way.
That being said, there might be things that you could improve in your behavior to improve your marriage, and we’ll talk about that more later. However, that doesn’t mean that being lied to is in any way your fault.
You didn’t deserve this.
2. Learn how to tell when they are lying.
What situations cause your spouse to lie to you? Which questions get dishonest answers, and what is the subject of the conversation when your spouse lies?
Knowing exactly when they are tempted to lie can help you determine what kind of secret your spouse is keeping from you and help you uncover it.
For instance, maybe they only lie about their whereabouts or when something they’ll say could hurt your feelings.
To stop the lying, it’s important to gather all the information that you can, so pay attention to when your partner lies because it will help you learn why.
3. Figure out why they are lying.
After you have read the signs above, you should have a good idea about when your spouse is lying to you, but what is their motive?
Try to see what their lies have in common, and what subjects they lie about most often.
Why they are lying is just as important as what they are lying about. White lies, for example, aren’t such a big deal. They are definitely not comparable to when your spouse is hiding an affair or when they are dishonest because they want to present themselves in the best possible light.
The truth is, there should be no lies in your marriage whatsoever, except for something like a surprise party.
However, it’s still important to note that there are plenty of explanations to lying that are more innocent than infidelity. So, don’t jump to conclusions.
4. Trust your instincts.
You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but you should definitely trust your instincts.
You know your spouse very well, and if you are sensing that they are hiding something, you’re probably subconsciously picking up on the cues.
You’re noticing the difference even if you’re not aware of it.
So, if you suspect that your spouse is lying, trust your gut. You should also trust your instincts when they’re telling you what your spouse is lying about.
If you suspect an affair, you probably have a reason to think that.
Don’t let anyone accuse you of being crazy for thinking something based on what your gut’s telling you. You are probably on to something.
Don’t confront your spouse based on the feeling itself. Look for signs to back up your theory before you present it to them, and hopefully, they will reassure you in a way that you’ll know that they’re not lying.
5. Challenge their lies.
If you already suspect that your spouse is lying to you, don’t just take their word for it. Challenge their lies instead.
You can ask them questions, demand that they make eye contact, or ask them to tell you the story in reverse.
Another good way to challenge their lies is to ask them to respond only with yes and no answers.
Ask them for details when they are telling you something and ask again after some time to see if they’ll give you the same details.
These are all good ways to challenge their story and see if they are really hiding something.
6. Think about how you would react if they told the truth.
A lot of times, liars try to justify their lies by saying what your reaction to the truth would be.
So, take a moment to think about what your reaction to the truth is in the scenario.
Maybe you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you. How would you react if you found out?
You are on the road to discovering the truth, so it might be good to prepare for it anyway.
Whatever your suspicions are, what if it turns out that you are right? How much damage could the truth do to your marriage?
These are just some of the things to consider before confronting your spouse.
7. Have an honest conversation with your spouse.
Instead of confronting them and making them feel attacked, you could try to have an honest conversation with your spouse.
Get them to open up to you and tell you why they are lying.
If you want an honest response, be honest and tell them how hurt you feel because you know that they were dishonest.
Suggest that you try working on the issues that caused the lying in the first place. It might be a good idea to do this with the help of a therapist.
A few little lies don’t have to end your marriage, as long as the lying stops and you start communicating like a healthy married couple should. A therapist could help you get there.
8. Let them know what they can and can’t do and be ready to let them do more.
Your problem might not be as big as it seems. For instance, maybe you dislike your spouse’s friend, and your spouse was lying to you to keep spending time with the friend.
In this case, and in many others, it would be good to explain to your spouse what would and wouldn’t upset you.
For example, you don’t mind that your partner keeps spending time with their friend; you just think that the friend is a bad influence, and you don’t want them to take your spouse to a strip club.
In this example, your spouse can still see their friend; they just can’t go to the strip club. You have removed the need for them to lie to you, unless they are at the strip club.
Discuss these things with your spouse. By letting them know that you might be okay with some things, as long as they’re honest with you, you can stop lies that are caused by the fear of your reaction.
9. Consider changing your behavior.
It’s not your fault that your partner’s dishonest with you, but you might have done something to encourage the lies.
For instance, maybe you start a fight whenever they go out with their friends because you don’t like their friends. As such, they decided that it’s best to lie to you about where they are in order to keep spending time with their friends.
People would much rather lie about the things they’re doing than stop doing the things they enjoy.
Hear your spouse out and let them be honest with you. Let them tell you what it is that they feel like they have to lie to you about.
Don’t get mad when you hear the truth because that’s probably why they lied in the first place. Keep an open mind and allow them to open up to you without judging, blaming, or attacking them.
10. Think about how their lies have affected your relationship.
Once all the cards are on the table, it will be time to clean up the mess that lying has caused.
How has it affected your relationship?
Do you still love your spouse?
Can you forgive them?
Have you seen improvement in their behavior since you had the discussion about this?
Can you move past this, or are they doing the same things again?
What is it that you want?
Take some time to think about these questions and identify the current state of your marriage. Do you want to improve it or should you leave?
This is entirely your decision, and you don’t owe anyone any explanations. The first big question that you need to answer before deciding on how to proceed is: can you forgive your spouse for lying to you?
11. Think about whether you should forgive them.
Should you stay with your spouse if they have lied to you? There is no right or wrong answer to this.
Sometimes there is no reason to continue staying, but it all depends on the specifics of your situation and your feelings for your partner. Most of all, it depends on whether you can forgive them or not.
Being lied to hurts, and it will take some time before you could trust them again. Can you ever truly and fully forgive them for what they lied about?
If your spouse had an affair, you have every right to consider leaving them. A relationship can recover from everything, even cheating, but it requires that you both work hard for it, and you need to be willing to forgive.
If you can’t, no one can blame you, regardless of what your spouse did. However, if you cannot forgive, it’s time to leave the relationship.
To stay in a marriage and make it a happy one, you will have to forgive. Do they deserve your forgiveness?
12. Know when it’s time to forgive or move on.
Forgiving your spouse is not easy when they’ve betrayed your trust in a major way such as having an affair. If you can’t forgive them, it will make things worse in your marriage.
You will hold a grudge, resent them, and wait for them to make a wrong move again.
So, communicate how hurt you are and what emotions their lie caused. Let it all out and give your spouse a second chance if you want to. However, don’t give them a third, fourth, or fifth chance.
If you don’t see improvement in the lying and your spouse does the same things again, it’s probably time to consider moving on.
13. Watch out for future lies.
If you do stay with your spouse, you shouldn’t let your guard down just yet. Forgiving them is one thing, but assuming that they’ll never lie again is a whole other thing.
People tend to repeat bad patterns, and if your spouse has lied to you before, who’s to say that they won’t do it again?
Until you see progress and enough time passes that you can trust them again, you have every right to keep your guard up and watch out for future lies. You have caught them in a lie once, so it will be easier to catch them again if they do lie again.
However, don’t become paranoid and overly suspicious. Just be cautious before trusting them fully again.
14. Talk to a therapist.
If you can’t trust them again, you need help cleaning up the mess the lying has caused. Or perhaps you just need someone to talk to while you go through this. Either way, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist.
They can give you more ways to recover from the lies in your marriage, get back on track, or move on from a failed relationship. You need support when you’re hurting, so don’t be afraid to seek it.
A therapist can listen to your specific situation and give you solutions tailored to your needs.
