Do you no longer find your spouse attractive?
So you’ve been married a while and together even longer, and you’re worried you’re just not feeling ‘it’ with your partner anymore.
You aren’t the bright young things you once were. Perhaps having children has taken its toll on your bodies and given you bags under your eyes. Or maybe you’ve just spent so much time together that you’re not attracted to your husband or wife in quite the same way anymore.
We won’t forever be as energetic, toned, and bright-faced as we were at the start of our relationships. Things may begin to feel monotonous as milestones are achieved and left behind, and you wonder what’s next.
Questioning if you still feel the same way about your spouse isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. It’s good to keep evaluating your relationship as time passes, to check in and see if you are both still happy or if something needs a little work.
There are a number of reasons why you could be feeling less attracted to your spouse at the moment, the last being that you’re no longer right for each other.
Read on to see if any of the below sounds familiar and find some tips on how to get that attraction back.
1. Work out when these feelings started.
Has your attraction to your spouse waned recently or have you been feeling different for a while?
Working out when you started to feel differently about your partner could be key to getting things back on track.
Looking back, you might be able to pinpoint a specific event that caused you to turn off from your spouse. It could have been an argument or something they did or said. If it’s unresolved, it could be weighing on your mind and causing you to put up a barrier between you and them.
Having a chance to talk this through with them and find some closure on the subject could be a way of stabilizing the emotional and physical connection between you.
If the change in the way you feel has been gradual, you might need to evaluate if anything else has changed between the two of you. Sometimes couples do just grow apart. We grow out of each other and realize we are looking for something different in our lives.
The question to ask yourself is: have I been putting enough effort into this marriage?
Relationships need attention to stop them from going stale. You can’t expect to get the spark back and feel emotionally and physically attracted to your spouse if you haven’t been putting any effort in to find it.
If you can say you’ve put in the effort, but you’re still not into it, then it might be time to admit your partner no longer offers you what you want out of a relationship.
2. Check how you’re feeling about yourself.
When we are feeling negative about ourselves and particularly our own body image, this negativity can often affect other areas of our lives.
When we are feeling critical of ourselves, we begin to project these criticisms onto those close to us too.
If you’re struggling to feel attractive within your own skin, this might be causing you to put up defenses against being physical with your partner and convince yourself you no longer feel attracted to them.
Take some time to acknowledge if you’re feeling negative about yourself and suffering from a dip in self-confidence.
Our bodies change for a whole number of reasons such as having children, injuries, or just getting older, and it’s important to find an acceptance and confidence in how you feel rather than constantly judging yourself on how you look.
Finding self-love is the key to happiness in yourself and a relationship. When we feel good about ourselves, this radiance projects onto other areas of our lives and the people in them.
A change in your attitude could be all you need to re-fire that chemistry you’re missing in your marriage.
3. Challenge your expectations.
We all change over time. The person you’re with now is not the person you met when you first started dating.
You shouldn’t expect either yourself or your partner to look or even be how you were years earlier. You might not have the butterflies and excitement of when you first met, but you have so much more understanding of each other and shared experiences that are even more significant.
If what you want is the toned, dewy-skinned partner and the lustful attraction of when you first met, are you being realistic in your expectations of your partner and of the type of person who is right for you now?
When you commit to a person, you’re not committing to them until their first wrinkle; you’re committing to who they are on the inside. Beauty is only skin deep; there should be so much more you look for in a partner than just their appearance.
Think about what it is you prioritize in a partner and think about whether your expectations are more than anyone can live up to.
4. Make an effort for each other again.
When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, making an effort to look good for each other can stop being a priority. You become almost too comfortable around each other and stop making the same effort in your personal appearance as you did when you were first together.
Although it’s great to reach a place where you are so comfortable around each other, when you stop caring about your appearance, you stop seeing each other at your best.
You might start to question if you’re even still physically attracted to your husband or wife anymore when you can’t remember the last time you saw them dress up.
When we start dating someone new, we make an effort to dress to impress. There’s nothing stopping you from putting in some regular date nights, no matter how long you’ve been together, and making an event out of it.
Agree to dress up, do your hair and glam up a bit. Not only does this encourage the both of you to spend more quality time together, but seeing your partner looking good could be the reminder you need of all the things you love about them and reignite some much needed passion between you.
5. Try a new activity new together.
Trying out something new together can change things up for you both by pushing you out of your comfort zones.
Doing something that is new for the both of you puts you on a level playing field, where you’ll need support and encouragement from each other to succeed.
You’ll be able to share an experience and create new memories as you both navigate a fun activity together.
As you see your partner attempt something new and encourage you as you try, you might find yourself feeling a new level of appreciation and attraction for them.
You’ll begin to join together as a team again, have a chance to impress each other while you spend some quality time as a couple, and begin to remember all the attractive qualities in them that you fell in love with.
6. Don’t be critical about them.
If the loss of emotional or physical attraction toward your spouse is a real and genuine issue for you in your marriage, but you still want to try to make things work, talking to them about these thoughts is the right thing to do.
Having an open discussion about how you’re feeling in your relationship is something to be encouraged even in a happy marriage as time progresses, to make sure the both of you are feeling content and discuss anything you feel needs some attention.
Discussing a topic as sensitive as a loss of attraction to your spouse needs to be handled carefully. Egos can easily be bruised and feelings hurt, so think about how you feel, what it is that you want, and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Try to avoid being critical of them and come up with some practical ideas that you can try togetgher to get the spark back, rather than putting all of the pressure on them to change.
Make it clear that this is something you want to work on together and are willing to make changes yourself.
Taking the time to think about what to say to your partner will also help you think clearly about your expectations of them. Things won’t be fixed overnight and there is only so much someone can be expected to change.
Be realistic about the things you feel you can both work on to improve the chemistry between you, and be willing to put the time and effort in from your side as much as you expect from theirs.
7. Start showing them more affection.
If you’re not feeling into your partner, you might have begun to shut off physically from them. It’s hard to get in the mood if you’re physically turned off and the last thing you want to do is get intimate.
Physical interaction is a vital part of any relationship. It’s how you assert your bond with each other and, on a basic level, makes you both feel good.
Physical touch triggers the release of hormones in your brain which make you feel happier and less stressed. It’s how we flirt and show each other we want to get close on a physical level.
If it’s been a long time since you were physically affectionate, try reintroducing it into your relationship little by little.
This doesn’t mean jumping into bed with them, but touching them on the arm, giving them a hug, or cuddling up to them while you watch a film are all easy ways to start touching each other more and encouraging affection.
Having more physical affection between you could be the boost you needed to remind each other how good it feels to connect in that way.
Once the physical connection between you grows so will your attraction to your spouse, and you’ll see the more intimate part of your marriage begin to flourish again.
8. Be positive about your partner.
If you’re in a rut with your partner and are worried that you’re drifting apart, spending some time thinking about all the things they do for you could help you appreciate how much you really value them.
You may realize that there are things that you take for granted, expecting them of your spouse just because they’ve been doing them for you for so long, but realizing that they don’t have to.
It might help you to see your partner in a new light, understanding that it’s not always about the big romantic gestures and that you’d feel lost without them.
It could be a wakeup call for you to realize that the things that bother you about them – maybe the way they dress or their physical appearance – relate to the sacrifices they are making for you and your relationship.
Maybe they’ve been looking more tired because they’ve changed their schedule to do the school run so you don’t have to, or they haven’t bought new clothes in a while because they’re saving up for that holiday you wanted to go on.
See if you can find a new appreciation for all the things your partner does and if it helps you to realize how much they care for you and you them.
It could open your eyes to their thoughtfulness and dedication to you and your life together and bring back your attraction to them on a much more meaningful level.
9. Tell each other what you like about them.
Normalize talking about what you like about each other and make it a game for both of you to do together.
Try listing 3 physical things you love about your partner and get them to do the same. You can carry on by talking about favorite memories or emotional attributes too.
Making this discussion into a fun conversation will put the two of you in a positive frame of mind and challenge you to look at each other with fresh eyes.
When asked to list off your favorite things about your spouse, not only does it work as a compliment to your partner, but it focuses you on everything you love about them.
Some answers might surprise you or make you laugh, but sharing this experience can bring you closer together and act as a reminder to you of all the physical and emotional qualities that make your spouse so attractive.
10. Try something new in the bedroom.
You could be feeling like you’ve lost the spark with your partner because your activities in the bedroom have gotten stale.
Physical chemistry is important in a relationship and takes work from both of you to keep it fresh and exciting as your marriage goes on.
If things have gone quiet in the bedroom or you’ve been struggling to get in the mood for a while now, you might be worrying that this is a sign your relationship is going to fail.
Rather than worrying you’ve lost the attraction between you, take this as an opportunity to put some more effort into your bedtime antics.
Keeping your physical intimacy interesting is at the heart of keeping the passion between you alive. Don’t let yourselves get caught in the same routine when there is a whole choice of resources to guide you, positions to try, toys to introduce, and new experiences for you to share if only you are willing to mix things up.
Feeling better connected and satisfied intimately will increase your attraction toward each other and help you sustain a healthier and stronger marriage.
In summary
Relationship fatigue is like any fatigue; you just get tired of the same old every day.
As much as you might love your partner, when you stop sharing new experiences or challenging each other to be the best version of yourselves, you begin to stagnate.
Entering into a marriage is committing to a relationship with someone you know is going to change from age and experience over time and accepting them in full knowledge of this. Without the passing of time or the changing of our bodies there would be none of the joy that family and life brings to us.
Continue to throw yourself into new experiences together and see how attraction over time changes as you love your spouse more for the person they are on the inside than the outside.
Some people may just grow out of each other. The passing of time means that they’re no longer the people who can give each other the physical and emotional connection they need.
But if you still have love for your partner in your heart, don’t give up on them! With the right attitude, you can overcome any obstacle life throws at you.
