Are you ready to become less judgmental?
When we think of a judgmental person, we normally think of someone else.
We think of that neighbor who is always talking about “those” people. That relative who is quick to criticize other people’s lifestyle choices. The religious person constantly in your face talking about how you’re not living right.
Rarely do we think about ourselves.
But the truth is we are all judgmental.
We pass judgments, good or bad, all the time.
But some judgments cause harm—they skey our perspectives of people and puts barriers between “us” and “them”.
What follows are some tips you can use to stop being judgmental toward others (tips 1-9), yourself (tips 10-12), and in your relationships (tips 13-19):
1. Develop self-awareness.
Observe your thoughts. Recognize when you’re being judgmental.
Initially, it might be a little hard to see when you’re making assumptions about someone. You’ve been doing it for a long time, so jumping to conclusions is going to come naturally to you.
But if you pay attention to your thoughts about another person, you’ll be able to catch yourself when you’re doing it.
When you catch yourself being judgmental, note the frame of mind you’re in. Are you under pressure? Perhaps you’re around a certain group of critical friends or family members. Are you feeling ill, hungry, or generally out of sorts?
In developing self-awareness, you’re trying to look for patterns. What situations, people, or in what environment are you more prone to judging others? These factors play a role in your judgmental attitude.
Once you see that you are more critical and judgmental under certain circumstances, you can take steps to cope with or avoid those situations.
2. Examine yourself: Why do you feel the need to judge?
It’s time for some introspection. You need to be honest with yourself and unwrap why you feel the need to judge other people.
Yes, your colleague may dress provocatively (which is open to interpretation), but that’s a matter for the HR department to deal with. It has nothing to do with you or your deliverables. So why does it bother you so much?
Could it be that the way she dresses makes you feel insecure about the way you look? Do you secretly wish you could wear some of the things she wears? Dig deep to find the reasons behind your assumptions.
When you’ve drilled down to the underlying issue, deal with it.
3. What triggers your judgmental mindset?
You’re meeting someone for the very first time. And you find out that they attended a prestigious university, one you gained admission to but couldn’t attend because it was just too expensive. So you assume the person you’ve just met is a trust fund baby who never had to struggle a day in their life.
Your partner has a lock code on their phone. It helps them feel more secure about the sensitive information they have on it. If their phone is ever stolen, they reason it’ll take the thieves a little longer to access the information.
But you were cheated on in a former relationship, so you assume they’re locking their phone because they’re about to do the same. If they didn’t have anything to hide, they wouldn’t have a lock on it, or they’d give you the code and let you access it whenever you want.
Figure out what is triggering your assumptions. What trauma is the person or situation causing you to relive? Then work on healing that trauma.
By not dealing with the trauma, you are reliving it. Every time you’re triggered, you’re allowing the situation to win. You’re allowing the trauma to keep you a victim.
Whatever you’ve gone through has already taken so much from you. Deal with it so it can’t take anymore from you.
4. Expand your social circle.
Do all your friends look and think exactly the way you do? Did you all attend the same type of school? Grow up in similar ways? Have the same political views?
If your social circle looks essentially like different versions of you, get out and meet new people. Interact with a variety of people, and visit new places. Open yourself up to unique ideas.
Befriend people of other religions. Mingle with those who have a different socio-economic status. Interact with people who have opposing political views.
Discuss your differences. Talk about your similarities. Let them teach you about their way of life. Spend time with their families.
5. Be curious.
Don’t be shy about learning something new from the people you meet. People are usually pretty friendly when they meet someone curious about their culture, way of life, or thoughts on a subject.
When you meet someone new, ask them about themselves. Listen and aim to learn something from them.
They just might open you up to a different perspective you never considered on a topic you were certain you knew.
Even if you don’t agree with their take on an issue, you can “agree to disagree.” At least you’ve learned why they feel the way they do.
6. Step out of your comfort zone.
Your comfort zone is very familiar. It’s safe. You know what’s expected of you. There are no surprises.
But…it’s also boring. Everything is the same and there are no surprises.
So broaden your horizons. Do something you wouldn’t normally do.
Attend a cultural event you would never go to normally. Try a hobby that usually wouldn’t appeal to you.
Give it a try. You may end up liking it after all.
7. Travel.
Mark Twain, an American author, once said:
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”
Not only will traveling allow you to see exotic places, meet interesting people, and experience different cultures, but it will also help you overcome your narrow-minded views and prejudices.
If you are struggling to overcome a judgmental attitude, maybe it’s time to book that trip you keep putting off.
Don’t let tight funds be an excuse to avoid trying it out. You could take a short trip to an unfamiliar town or a nearby city. See if there’s a world heritage site near you. If there is, check it out.
Learn about cultures and people that are different from you.
8. What if you said it out loud?
How embarrassed would you feel if your thoughts were read out loud? Or your brain filter stopped working and you started saying every negative, judgmental thought that popped into your head?
If you’re still on the fence about the severity of your judgmental attitude, or you are struggling to identify which thoughts are the “truth” and which are snap judgments, visualize yourself saying them out loud.
Imagine smiling and introducing yourself to a stranger one minute and then having verbal diarrhea where you spill out every negative thought you have about them the next second. Or during a meeting with your boss, you projectile vomit about how incompetent you think he is and that he only got the job because he’s married to the owner’s daughter.
If the idea of saying your thoughts out loud makes you feel a bit uncomfortable or even horrified, then work on changing them. Look for the good in others.
9. Frame the criticisms into compliments.
Train your mind to see the good in people and situations by framing criticisms as compliments. When your boss messes up on a report and you roll your eyes at his/her incompetence, think about how well he makes presentations or manages such a large team.
If your spouse has once again left dishes in the sink for you to wash, as you think about how lazy they are, also remember how they let you sleep in on Saturday mornings while they take care of the kids.
For every criticism or judgment you make about another person, think of a compliment.
Before long, your brain will skip right over the negative part and you’ll start seeing the positive aspects of people more clearly.
Now we move on to tips to help you be less judgmental about yourself…
10. The deep breathing/positive affirmation combo.
You’ve heard of deep breathing. You’ve also heard of positive affirmations. Perhaps you’ve tried one or the other in the past.
But have you tried the two at the same time?
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or just need to stop the negative thoughts running around in your head on repeat, try the following deep breathing-positive affirmation combo.
On the inhale say the “I am” part of your affirmation and on the exhale, say the rest of the affirmation. If you can, on the inhale count to 4, and as you exhale count to 8. This will be a bit tricky.
So, just make sure you’re taking deep breaths (all the way to your diaphragm) and your exhale is longer than your inhale.
This combo will not only help you calm down and focus, but it will also help silence your negative thoughts.
11. Write down your judgmental thoughts.
Write down the negative and judgmental thoughts you have about yourself in a journal or secure place.
Read them back to yourself. Sometimes this alone helps to jar us out of our negative head space. But don’t stop there. Reframe what you’ve written into something positive.
If it helps, pretend you didn’t write it about yourself. Pretend it was written by your best friend or your favorite person in the world about themselves.
Reframe what was written and tell yourself what you’d tell your best friend if they had such thoughts.
12. Work on your inner self.
We all have something we feel insecure or self-conscious about. No one is constantly a bundle of self-confidence. But how you feel about yourself is your responsibility.
It’s unfair to take out your insecurities and low self-esteem issues on other people.
Find a licensed therapist and work through your issues with self-confidence. Read books to learn more about dealing with different types of insecurities. Deal with your self-esteem issues.
No one likes working for a boss who overcompensates for his/her feelings of inadequacy by screaming at everyone. Being in a relationship with someone who is so insecure that they’re constantly making accusations of infidelity is mentally and emotionally draining.
Work on your inner self so you don’t punish people for the trauma you suffered in the past.
And now for some tips to help you avoid judgmental behavior in relationships…
13. Don’t project your shortcomings onto others.
Is it possible that your judgments are coming out of your shortcomings or feelings of inadequacy?
Perhaps you’re in a relationship with someone whose salary is far higher than yours. It honestly makes you feel uncomfortable that there’s such a huge gap in pay between the two of you. Instead of talking about it with your partner, you try to diminish their work accomplishments or criticize the industry they work in.
Do you have insecurities about your body and how you look? Your partner, on the other hand, really enjoys being fit. They watch what they eat and work out regularly. The effort they put in shows in their body. Rather than addressing your body issues, you’ve taken to calling your partner a “meat head,” insinuating they’re unintelligent or self-absorbed.
Deal with your insecurities and stop projecting them onto your partner.
14. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
It’s possible that your conclusions are completely right. You might be 100% correct in your assumptions. But you could also be absolutely wrong.
Stop assuming things and give people the benefit of the doubt. Especially people you have a relationship with.
Before you spiral into crazy land, stop and consider alternative conclusions. Could there be a reason for their behavior? Is there something you don’t know about the situation? Could you be misinterpreting anything?
When you don’t have all the facts, give people the benefit of doubt.
15. Put yourself in their shoes.
Sitting on your high horse to cast judgment down on other people is pretty easy.
What’s difficult is putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Seeing the situation from a different perspective requires effort.
Empathy is not an easy skill that comes naturally. Admitting you might be wrong or don’t have all the answers requires humility.
We have to work at putting ourselves in other people’s shoes.
We need to work at changing our perspective on what we consider facts.
When you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you’ll see things you never would have considered otherwise. You’ll have access to information that might change your perception
16. Know that everyone is doing their best.
No one is perfect. We’ve made mistakes in the past. And we’re bound to make some more. But we’re doing the best we can with the resources, knowledge, and exposure we have.
But some of us did not have access to the resources and knowledge that would have allowed us to make better decisions. We did the best with what we had to work with.
It would be grossly unfair, if not elitist, for you to expect everyone to behave as you do when you come from a very privileged background.
Instead of judging people, teach them a better approach. Give them access to the resources you take for granted.
Until people learn a better way, they’re doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Remember that.
17. Separate the action from the person.
Sometimes, people do some really dumb stuff. They do things that are hurtful or make us angry. Does that mean they’re bad people? Usually not.
Separate a person’s actions from them. Your kid may have made a few mistakes while growing up, but that doesn’t mean he should now be known as the family mess up or disgrace. Or that he should always be viewed as the black sheep, no matter what he does in the future.
A colleague mistakenly tanked a project at work. It was a huge mistake that cost the company money and people spent hours trying to fix it. Don’t label him the office idiot because of it.
People are more than their mistakes or their actions.
18. Stop gossiping.
Rarely does anything good come from gossiping. Yet we still do it. That’s because sometimes it’s just so juicy, it’s hard to walk away.
But how many times have you listened to gossip only to find out it was a bunch of lies? How many times have you heard a “true story” about someone only to discover there was no truth to it at all?
Have you ever become friends with someone you were told was a total loser or nut job just to find out they were nothing like that? They were actually pretty cool.
That’s what gossiping does. It spreads lies about innocent people. It ruins reputations, sometimes without the victim knowing anything at all.
Stop participating in gossip and give people a fair chance.
19. Pay 10 compliments a day.
Throughout your day, pay 10 compliments. They have to be sincere. They can either be different compliments or they can be the same but paid to different people.
Look for things you appreciate about the people around you. What do they do for you that you normally overlook? Do they have qualities you admire?
Let them know you appreciate them.
