Did you have a sheltered upbringing?
Did you grow up in a constrictive religious environment where you had little exposure to the outside world?
Or maybe you had overprotective “helicopter” parents who carefully controlled everything you saw, heard, and experienced?
If either of these scenarios sounds familiar, chances are you’re feeling confused, conflicted, and even downright anxious with everything the wider world might be throwing at you.
That’s okay. We all have to start somewhere, right? Some people learn valuable life skills when they’re very young, while others learn them when they’re a bit older.
Below are some of the signs of a sheltered person. Not everyone who has grown up sheltered will exhibit all of these, but they’ll likely experience a few things on the list.
Fortunately, there are ways of reducing, even undoing, some of these behaviors. They just take a bit of time, effort, and courage.
1. They’re naive.
Being naive is defined as “lacking experience, wisdom, or judgment.”
Do you always assume the best of people rather than bracing for potential disaster? Or believe what others say at face value? Or maybe think that government organizations have your best interests at heart?
The best way to correct naïveté is to learn to see below the surface.
For example, we all have a facade for the outside world. Learning to see beyond the surface of someone’s “public self” will help you understand what they’re like and understand their motivations. The same goes for messages and narratives given on social media.
Instead of taking words at face value, try to determine their intention. Why are they saying those particular words? What is their body language while they’re speaking? If someone is trying to reassure you but their posture seems threatening, then trust your instincts: not what’s coming out of their mouths.
2. They are emotionally immature.
Those who have been seriously sheltered haven’t necessarily developed the ability to regulate their own emotions well, and they might not behave in a manner suitable to their age.
For example, people who have spent their entire lives solely with extended family members may not know how to behave around strangers. They might be overly comfortable too soon (like belching or passing gas in shared company) or discuss inappropriate topics during shared meals.
Similarly, they might show very juvenile behavior that would only really be acceptable in people half their age.
3. They may struggle with anxiety.
Parents who overprotect their children give their kids the sense that horrible dangers lurk around every corner. As a result, those kids grow into super-anxious, fretful adults. They’ll freak out about the potential harm they might experience. Usually, they’ll hold back from doing all kinds of things they might otherwise enjoy.
This sense of danger creates a form of arrested development in that the child never steps into real adulthood. They might behave like juveniles well into middle age instead of maturing and will constantly struggle with fears of “what if?”.
In serious situations, they might even become agoraphobic. They might not want to leave the implied “safety” of home because of all the dangers that might be present in the big, scary world.
4. They have stunted social skills.
If you’ve been raised in a very sheltered environment, you might experience social awkwardness or anxiety. You may default to thoughts about certain racial stereotypes if you meet people outside of your own culture, or you might not know how to behave around people of different social echelons.
The table etiquette you’d use with a Duke or foreign ambassador will be very different from your cousins.
Other people will pick up on this.
Whatever social atmosphere you plan on throwing yourself into, learn its intricacies. This goes for new work environments in your own country and potential opportunities overseas. You don’t want to insult friends and colleagues by eating with the wrong hand or making inappropriate gestures.
5. They lack awareness of cultural references.
If you’ve been sheltered all your life, you might miss out on certain pop culture references that others mention regularly. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as many of these references are usually inane.
No one has seen or listened to all the films, TV programs, or music out there. Many people were exposed to catchphrases as they matured and socialized with others. These phrases have made their way into the common vernacular and are frequently used in workplaces or social situations.
There’s no shame in admitting that you don’t understand a specific phrase if someone uses it. You can take the opportunity to joke about having grown up sheltered and ask them for recommendations about things to immerse in so you “get” what they’re talking about. 99 times out of 100, they’ll be eager to expose you to the ton of things you’ve missed out on.
6. They lack coping mechanisms.
Many people who had a sheltered childhood/adolescence had exposure to unpleasant or difficult situations kept to a minimum. For example, parents might have kept you away from family funerals, so you didn’t have to cope with the reality of death yet. Or they prevented you from watching any TV shows or films that had violence, sexuality, etc.
While this might have allowed you to maintain an existence in a seemingly “safe,” innocent bubble, it certainly didn’t permit you to develop any coping mechanisms. Life can be ugly, violent, and harsh. If we don’t develop coping skills at a young age, it can be devastating to learn to deal with life’s curveballs in adulthood.
One great way to get over this type of sheltering is to do things that make you feel uncomfortable intentionally. Do you know the adage “do one thing every day that scares you”? You don’t have to follow that guidance precisely, but do things that push you out of your comfort zone.
Go to a movie by yourself or eat at a restaurant alone. Deal with the dead mouse in the trap on your own. Visit elders in a care residence to get more comfortable with the end-of-life process. These situations will be difficult but allow you to expand your comfort zones.
7. Everyone else knows better.
Many people who have been sheltered have learned to obey their older family members, teachers, and clergy, often without hesitation. They’re taught to believe that they can’t make life decisions for themselves simply because they haven’t had enough life experience already to do so.
It’s common for those who grew up in very religious communities to defer and submit to the elders of their community. When will a person have the opportunity to develop said life experience? Certainly not when they’re constantly obeying other people’s commands.
Nine times out of ten, you don’t need to take flak from anybody. Just because others have more experience with a situation doesn’t mean they know what’s best for YOU. You are allowed to have your own opinions.
Follow your instincts and make the decisions that you feel are right for your needs. Even you make the wrong decision, that’s a great learning opportunity.
8. They feel the need to ask permission to live their life.
This goes along with the previous sign. It isn’t just deferring to other people regarding life experience, but feeling like you need to have “permission” to do the things you want to do.
This behavior is common when people had parents who micro-managed them for most of their lives. Their parents decided what they could or couldn’t eat, drink, wear, watch, or whom they could spend time with.
It might manifest in feelings of guilt if you want to eat cereal for dinner or wear something that a family member might disapprove of. Maybe you want to read a book all afternoon instead of doing chores. Or you feel intense guilt or shame at sexual intimacy because of what your family might think.
Your life is your own, and only you get to decide what to do with it.
9. They seem to always need help.
Do you try to do new things on your own when they need doing? Or do you ask for help by default before making an attempt?
This behavior often happens when people fear making mistakes – for fear of punishment or mockery. Did your parents give you hell if you got poor grades in school? Or did they prevent you from learning life skills like cooking because they didn’t want you to mess anything up?
If so, you might default to allowing someone else to take point on even basic matters because you have an aversion to negative feedback.
The only way to get over this is by doing stuff yourself. Do you need to hang something on the wall and don’t know how? Look up a tutorial online and try to do it yourself. The same goes for cooking, carpentry, sewing a button back on your trousers; pretty much anything you’ll need to learn how to do as an adult has a handy “how-to” video on YouTube you can follow.
10. Their approach to risk is polarized.
Sheltered people can go either way when it comes to risk. Those afraid of negative judgment (as mentioned above) often try to avoid risk whenever possible. In contrast, those who want to “stick it to” whoever smothered them in their childhood or adolescence might take unnecessary risks as a means of defiance.
Both can be good in the right circumstances, and both can be harmful. The key is to determine which of these to do at what time.
If you’re avoidant, try taking small risks that won’t wholly devastate you if you fail. For example, take a chance and ask someone out for coffee. The risk of rejection is there, but it isn’t as harmful as grabbing a rattlesnake with your bare hands.
In contrast, if you find that you’re taking significant risks for the thrill of it, try to do so in a more productive fashion. Challenge yourself to undertake risks that will either be of benefit to you or others.
Go skydiving to raise money for charity. Get a permit to drive racecars around a track. Try hiking the Appalachian trail with friends or whitewater rafting just for the exaltation of feeling alive and free.
