Toxic parents leave lasting scars on their children.
Whether it’s intentional or not, the scars from growing up with a toxic parent can affect a person’s worldview, personality, behavior, decision-making, and perceptions. It can also leave lasting harm through substance abuse, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. These negative effects can follow a child throughout their life, affecting their relationships, friendships, and the way they interact with other people well into adulthood and the rest of their life. So how do you know if you’re a toxic parent (or if you’re dealing with one)? Here are some of the most common traits.
1. They refuse to accept responsibility for their negative actions.
The person may shift blame, refuse to accept any blame, or refuse to acknowledge that they are responsible for the harm they caused.
They will do everything in their power to avoid accepting any responsibility for their negative behavior.
They may argue that the other person is ungrateful, misinterpreting their actions, or too sensitive.
2. They try to control you, invade your privacy, and do not respect boundaries.
Boundaries are a normal and healthy part of any relationship. There are just some lines you shouldn’t want to cross.
A toxic parent will often seek to cross these boundaries because, “I am the parent, therefore I know best.”
They may snoop around, try to track your electronics, ask intrusive questions, or even open your mail.
They may also demean your parenting and try to undermine your authority with your children.
3. They regularly lie and manipulate.
Most toxic people will seek to cover their own tracks so that other people cannot figure out exactly what they’re up to.
Deep inside, they understand what they are doing is not right or acceptable, even if they think it’s totally fine.
Lies, manipulation, and gaslighting are common tools in a toxic parent’s arsenal to keep other people from truly understanding what is going on.
These are tools they use to maintain control, to portray themselves as being a misunderstood good person, or to just flat out lie for personal gain.
4. They are self-centered, showing no concern for others.
They are often demanding, expecting you to drop what you’re doing and tend to their needs. They don’t see or treat you like an individual person with your own schedule and needs.
A toxic parent may also view their child as a workhorse to alleviate their own responsibilities, such as making their child do long or difficult labor that may not be appropriate for their age.
They do not consider or care about your emotions, other than to use them as a weapon against you when they need something for themselves.
5. They are emotionally volatile and reactive.
The person may have an extreme temper, or carry grudges to use as a tool of leverage and control for a long time.
You may hear about your wrongs for months or years after a reasonable person would have let it go.
A toxic person of any kind is not in an emotionally healthy place, so will often have unhealthy emotional reactions.
They often dole out extreme punishments no matter how inconsequential the mistake.
They may also be unpredictable because of the volatile nature of their emotional landscape. Drama and dramatic reactions are common.
6. They are disrespectful and may be cruel.
The words a toxic parent speaks to their child are rarely loving or supportive.
If they are loving or supportive, they are usually being used as a means to an end to get the child to comply with their wishes.
They may be mean and cruel for the sake of just being mean and cruel. They demonstrate little to no respect for their child.
7. They may have an unhealthy emotional reliance on you.
A toxic parent may not have other healthy emotional relationships where they can process and handle their own life.
This often goes along with the issue of proper boundaries. They may share personal or intimate details that should not be shared between a parent and child.
The toxic parent may also try to force you to be an emotional support pillar that they should be getting from a romantic partner, friend, or counselor.
8. They may be running a one-sided competition with you.
The toxic parent might feel threatened by your success or accomplishments. The result is that they attack, demean, or just ignore those accomplishments.
A healthy parent will cheer on and be supportive of their child’s accomplishments instead of demeaning them.
A parent should not be in competition with their own child, building themselves up at their child’s expense.
9. They are neglectful or emotionally absent.
The parent simply may not be invested at all in their relationship with their child, treating them like a burden or a roommate more than their child.
This may be things like denying them their basic needs or just ignoring them altogether.
10. They are abusive.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Any mother or father who is abusive to their child in any capacity is a toxic parent.
A final note.
These 10 general things can point to a toxic parent, but one must keep in mind that parents are imperfect people too. They will undoubtedly get angry, lose their temper, or not be the most supportive at times. They are still people trying to work through their own emotional load as well as raise a child in an oftentimes difficult and confusing world.
Beyond all of the actions described here, it really comes down to a simple question of, “How does the parent’s behavior make me feel about myself?” It’s likely that you have a toxic parent if you find yourself walking away from your interactions with them feeling bad about yourself, your life, or your accomplishments.
