These signs show you are doing more than your fair share – a.k.a “overfunctioning”.
In a relationship context, “overfunctioning” refers to a situation where one partner takes on significantly more responsibility, decision-making abilities, control, and/or emotional and physical labor than the other.
Although overfunctioning can be caused by a variety of different reasons, the results are always the same: resentment and burnout.
It’s important to note here that overfunctioning can either be chosen or inflicted.
Below are eight common signs of overfunctioning. You may not exhibit all of them, but it’s likely that you can recognize several of them in your own life.
1. You take on all/most of the key responsibilities.
When you think of the duties associated with your life as a couple, who’s responsible for what?
Write down all those chores and obligations, along with which task belongs to whom.
People take on more than they need to for a variety of different reasons. For example, they may want their partner to have the easiest, most stress-free life possible, or because it’s simply easier to take on the responsibilities themselves than to explain to (or teach) their partner how to do them.
This is often true in situations where one partner is older, more mature, or more experienced than the other.
2. You neglect your personal needs.
You may not take proper care of yourself because there’s “too much to do.”
For example, if you find that you haven’t been bathing or changing your clothes regularly, or simply haven’t been pursuing your own interests in order to take care of other people’s needs, that’s a huge sign that things need to change.
The same goes for not being able to express your emotions or needs effectively because you’re drained from managing others all the time.
There are enough hours in the day to take care of home and work tasks without neglecting your basic needs in the process.
If you find that you honestly don’t have the time or energy for these fundamentals of life, you need to receive more help from your partner than you’ve been getting.
3. You micromanage your relationship and your partner.
This often involves being controlling or bossy toward your partner, such as insisting that they do as you tell them on demand, or informing them of what they’ll be doing or attending instead of asking them respectfully as an equal.
For example, you may ask your partner to tell you an itemized list of everything they did that day to ensure they’ve been productive enough by your standards.
Alternatively, you might give them a schedule to adhere to regarding tasks that need doing or responsibilities toward themselves, treating them like they’re your child or subordinate employee instead of your equal partner.
4. You experience emotional and physical exhaustion.
If you’re physically and emotionally shattered all the time because you’re out-putting from morning ‘til night, every day, that’s a huge sign that you’re putting in more energy than you should.
A relationship should be well-balanced enough that both partners do the amount of tasks they’re capable of handling, while also feeling supported by one another.
If your partner has a ton of energy and enthusiasm for life while you’re dragging yourself because you’re worn down to the bone, that’s a problem.
5. You feel unable to delegate tasks.
You may feel that you’re the only person who’s capable of doing things the “right way,” so you take on the responsibility of doing everything yourself.
Alternatively, you may not want to rock the boat and risk domestic upheaval by asking your spouse to take on certain chores or responsibilities, so you simply do them instead.
Your partner may be capable of doing a lot more with childcare and home-related tasks, but you either don’t trust that they’ll do them effectively or feel that you’re a less capable partner if you don’t do everything yourself.
The latter often happens if someone feels less capable due to age or health issues, so they overcompensate by trying to take on more than they should—usually to their detriment.
6. You see yourself as replaceable.
This is the opposite of the previous point in which you may feel that everything in your relationship would fall apart if you weren’t the one holding it all together.
Perhaps you believe that they are even more capable than you, which instills a sense of insecurity. You may feel that unless you continue proving your worth through action, they’ll leave you for someone else; someone “better.”
As such, you overfunction across the board and refuse to allow your partner to take on more responsibility.
This often has the opposite effect of the one you desired, as you’ll end up wearing yourself thin while they end up feeling infantilized and disrespected.
7. You have difficulty saying “no.”
Do you feel obligated to do things that your partner asks of you even if you’re utterly drained or have no desire to do so?
People who tie their self-worth to their productivity, or who feel insecure in their relationships, often have difficulty saying “no” when a request is made of them.
Even if they’re exhausted to the core of their being, they may agree to do things they really don’t feel up to doing simply for the sake of maintaining harmony and remaining in their partner’s good books.
8. You feel a great deal of resentment.
You may look at your partner and feel more resentment than love or appreciation, especially if you’ve been forced into overfunctioning due to circumstances you “never signed up for.”
Alternatively, you may have unrealistic expectations of what your partner “should” be capable of based on your own capabilities.
For example, if your partner has difficulties with executive function because they are autistic and/or have ADHD, you may not be able to understand why they struggle with some tasks.
As such, you may develop intense resentment for having to manage their life in a parental-type role instead of simply being able to rely on them to do things that need to be done.
