Mismatched desire is common.
A lot of couples have a problem with a lack of intimacy in a long-term relationship. In your marriage, it’s the opposite. Your husband wants it every day, or just any time he wants it. But do you want to have physical intimacy that often? Probably not if you’re reading this article. If you’re in a situation like this, ask yourself these 15 questions to work out how to deal with it.
1. Do you have intimacy issues?
Intimacy is not just about the physical. Maybe your husband finds it hard to express intimacy in other ways. If this is the case, you could show him other ways of being physically affectionate besides having physical intimacy. You don’t always have to go all the way for it to mean that you want each other.
On the other hand, maybe you have intimacy issues, not your husband. If you are generally not interested in physical intimacy, or even other displays of intimacy, you might be dealing with a medical issue or are struggling with your past in this regard.
The big question is, do you and your husband display intimacy in other ways?
Kissing, touching, hugging, holding hands, or even making out could be what’s missing from your marriage. If your husband is too focused on physical intimacy, encourage him to explore other ways of showing and expressing intimacy without expecting anything in return.
If your intimacy issues are ongoing, regardless of what’s causing it and what exactly it is about, it’s advisable to talk to a therapist.
2. Do you find him attractive?
Maybe you think that your husband looks okay, but are you attracted to him enough to want him? Does he turn you on, or does he just expect physical intimacy from you because he’s married to you? Let him know how he could seduce you and put you in the mood.
If you are no longer attracted to your husband, consider why that is and what you can do about it. Maybe you’ve been together for a very long time, and things have gotten boring. Consider experimenting with new things and exploring your bodies instead of having intercourse.
If you are committed to your husband, you need to accept him and love him the way he is. Part of that love is desire, so if that’s what is missing, try to find it again.
You can both work on yourselves if the spark is gone or you’ve neglected self-improvement in the marriage. Encourage your husband to become the best possible version of himself by doing the same and setting an example.
3. Does he respect your boundaries?
Your husband is not entitled to your body just because you’re married. If he disrespects your boundaries, he might even be abusive. Make sure to set clear boundaries and talk to someone about it if you are feeling used in this way. You could talk to a trusted loved one or a therapist.
Your husband might not disrespect your boundaries to the point that you feel abused. However, you feel like he keeps pushing them and pressuring you for physical intimacy. Perhaps your husband is always touching you. This is also a problem that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Talk to him about it and let someone know what’s going on.
You could also try talking to a therapist together to establish clear boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy. However, consider if your husband is actually obsessed with physical intimacy or if the actual issue is that you don’t want to have physical intimacy with him anymore.
Your husband may frequently desire physical intimacy because you’ve been withholding intimacy, for a significant amount of time. If this is the case, and you persist in withholding intimacy, you will undoubtedly have a big problem that needs to be addressed.
4. Can you talk about physical intimacy?
Are you comfortable communicating about physical intimacy? The first and most important step in dealing with a husband who wants physical intimacy all the time is talking to him about it.
Explain your reasons for not wanting physical intimacy at the time and show intimacy in another way, for instance by kissing him. If he pushes your boundaries, set them again and stick to them by communicating about it. Speak up if you aren’t comfortable with something.
However, consider communicating about physical intimacy in different ways as well. Spicy talk or texting could make you more comfortable talking about physical intimacy and at the same time give your partner the type of intimacy that he’s looking for.
More importantly, does your husband communicate his needs or does he physically force his needs onto you? Can he respect your boundaries if you vocalize them?
Communicate about everything. If that’s not an option, include a third person in the conversation by speaking to a relationship counselor together.
Communication is the most important key to a happy marriage, and it doesn’t stop once you enter the bedroom.
5. Do you find it flattering?
Could you find your husband’s behavior flattering by acknowledging how much he wants you? Maybe you’re simply smoking hot! If your husband sees you that way, it could be one of the reasons he wants physical intimacy all the time.
If you don’t find his behavior flattering, you may find it needy, pushy, or downright aggressive. Suggesting counseling is always a good way to introduce a third person to your problem, and a therapist is trained to help you.
If you find your husband’s behavior insulting instead of flattering that’s something he needs to be aware of as soon as possible. Alternatively, how you react to his advances could have more to do with your own intimacy issues.
For instance, maybe you’re not comfortable with public displays of affection, while he insists on it. Instead, he might be interested in physical intimacy while someone else is in the house, when you have a lot of work to do, or simply when you don’t feel in the mood. You don’t find it flattering because he disrespects your needs at the time and pushes your boundaries.
This is something that needs to be addressed too. It might be best to talk to a therapist in private if you have intimacy issues that are causing you to avoid his touch instead.
6. Are you in the honeymoon phase?
It’s pretty natural for couples to be all over each other during the honeymoon phase. If you’re newlyweds or haven’t been married for a long time, it’s not out of the ordinary for sparks to be flying all over the place.
Consider simply giving into it and enjoying this period of your marriage if that’s what you’re comfortable doing. If it makes you uncomfortable, is it about not wanting physical intimacy in general, or is it about your husband’s behavior?
If he can’t keep his hands off you, consider finding it flattering, but set clear boundaries. For instance, if you’re not into public displays of affection, communicate when and why you don’t want to be touched. Consider using the honeymoon phase to explore each other’s bodies, and you can always talk instead of making it all about physical intimacy.
7. Do you want physical intimacy?
Is the problem that you don’t want physical intimacy, or you don’t want your husband? If you’ve been together for a long time, things might have gotten boring. On the other hand, maybe you do want physical intimacy, just not at the times, in the places, or under the circumstances that he does.
Communicate and set clear boundaries. This has been frequently repeated, but it needs to be emphasized if you want your husband to understand when to back away.
Maybe you do want physical intimacy, just not with your husband. If you’ve been together for a very long time, you might not be attracted to him as much as you used to be.
This is a perfect opportunity to invest in self-improvement and encourage your husband to do the same. Make sure to also communicate about the ways you want to be loved and try new things.
8. Are either of you cheating or thinking about it?
An increased need for physical intimacy might not be about you at all. Your partner might be thinking about someone else, or he has been cheating on you and feels guilty about it.
Maybe you’ve been unfaithful or are considering it instead. He’s likely trying to win you over and make you stay with him if that is the case.
Either way, wanting physical intimacy all the time can be related to infidelity. If this happens out of nowhere, and it isn’t typical in your marriage, someone else might be pushing the buttons or has already become a part of your marriage.
If you don’t want this to end your marriage, consider experimenting in the bedroom and bringing the excitement of someone new by trying new things instead.
9. Does he respect other areas of your life?
Maybe your husband wants physical intimacy at times when you need to focus on other things, such as your professional or social life, or simply yourself. He doesn’t give you the time and space to concentrate on your needs; instead, he only cares about you meeting his needs.
This is not okay, and you should talk to him about it. Explain when physical intimacy is out of the question and that he should empathize with you more to understand why you’re not in the mood.
For instance, if you are working on a big project or throwing your friend a bachelorette party, maybe this is what you want to focus on these days instead of having physical intimacy all the time.
Not everyone has the same need for physical intimacy. Talk about the areas of your life that you need to focus on and demand alone time for yourself if that’s what you require sometimes.
10. Does he want it at times when it makes you uncomfortable?
Maybe you are cooking the perfect dinner, you’re in the middle of an awesome plot twist in your book, you’re in a public place, or your kid has friends sleeping over. Whatever it is, it makes you uncomfortable expressing your intimate needs at the moment, and he disrespects that.
Stick to your boundaries and have a talk with him to explain when his behavior makes you uncomfortable. In addition, communicate about when you would be comfortable with him initiating physical intimacy and how frequently. If you haven’t had this talk, consider a therapist as someone who can help you communicate better about physical intimacy.
11. How often do you initiate it?
Maybe your husband wants physical intimacy all the time because you never do. If you never or very rarely initiate intimacy, it might be why he’s initiating it so frequently. He would probably be glad to know when you are in the mood and he likely wishes that you’d show it more often.
If you have trouble initiating intimacy, consider exploring other ways of physical intimacy besides the big one. Simply cuddle with your husband and see where things go.
Kiss, hug, touch, make out… See if you are comfortable with that, and if you’re not, seek counseling to improve intimacy in your marriage. Your intimacy issues might be standing in the way of you having the kind of marriage that you want.
12. Can you find a compromise?
If your husband simply wants you every night, consider finding a compromise. For instance, you could have physical intimacy once a week or during the weekend when you’re relaxed. Talk about it and find a way to make it work for both of you.
Physical intimacy educator Michael Castleman even suggests scheduling physical intimacy dates so that you both know in advance when physical intimacy is going to take place. It eases the pressure on you both by giving certainty to the situation.
Again, you will need to set boundaries and stick to them. If you are definitely not someone who needs or wants physical intimacy every night, your husband should respect that and understand you.
Maybe you could initiate physical intimacy more often if he backs away a bit and stops initiating it. Settle for other ways of physical intimacy for a while, without expecting it to lead to anything more. This is also one of the compromises that you could make.
13. Are you setting boundaries?
Do you know how to speak up for yourself when you’re not in the mood for physical affection? Are you setting clear boundaries with your husband, or do you feel like he uses you?
Maybe he objectifies you if he is obsessed with physical intimacy. A therapist can help you make your boundaries clear, but keep in mind that you’re the one who needs to stick to them.
Do you have trouble setting boundaries with people in general? Talking to a therapist in private can help you learn to communicate your needs.
14. Has this turned into a big problem in your marriage?
If physical intimacy is standing in the way of you being a happy couple, do something about it. Talk to each other and see if you can try some of the advice written here depending on your situation, but don’t stop there.
Counseling is an effective way to approach a problem that you can’t communicate about it. If respecting boundaries is a problem, a therapist can help.
15. Can you talk to someone about it?
Confide in a close friend about what you’re going through if you are feeling used or even abused. Intimate lives are often best kept private between the couple, but if your husband repeatedly crosses your boundaries after being told not to, tell someone about it.
If it feels like a big issue to you, talk to a therapist and find a way to resolve it, even if your husband doesn’t want to. You could learn to say no and set clearer boundaries or face your own intimacy issues if that is the problem that you’re dealing with.
On the other hand, maybe you just wish you could better explain what it feels like to not be in the mood. If the issue doesn’t exactly make you uncomfortable but it does irritate you somewhat, try talking to a therapist together.
If you haven’t managed to resolve the problem through communication skills, counseling can make you more comfortable talking things through.
