These things make people say stupid, hurtful things.
Not everyone who says hurtful things is trying to be hurtful. In fact, many people say things they don’t mean because they have some other difficulty or frustration that they haven’t worked out.
They know they shouldn’t say those things because words hurt, and you can’t unring the bell. Once you say it, it’s out there, and even if the other person forgives you, they will always have it in the back of their mind.
But if you’re a person who does say things they don’t mean, you’ve probably experienced how that harms your personal and romantic relationships. After all, who wants to spend their time around someone who regularly says mean or hurtful things?
The good news is that this is a problem you can work on and overcome. But to do that, you’ll need to first identify why you’re saying things you don’t mean. So, let’s explore that further.
1. Learned bad habits.
Many of the habits people develop start in childhood. The environment they are raised in teaches them to behave in certain ways.
For example, a child that grows up in a loving, nurturing environment with positive adults will typically develop healthier social habits than a child who does not. A child who grows up around screaming, yelling, and other domestic issues may develop those social habits because they mirror those things over and over until they become unaware they are doing them.
Some people grow up believing that being more hurtful than the other is what “wins” the argument because that’s what they saw their adults doing. It’s their normal. It’s been their normal for years, possibly decades of their life.
Bad habits like that are hard to break because it’s difficult to undo decades of habit and negative reinforcement.
That doesn’t make it okay, but it is a reason why it may happen.
2. Poor impulse control and emotional regulation.
Some people say things they don’t mean because of poor impulse control and emotional regulation. Trauma and many mental illnesses may cause people to have impulsive, emotional reactions that they cannot necessarily control. Sometimes, the words may come out of your mouth before your conscious thought processes have time to realize what you’re about to say.
The words just pour out. Then you realize it when the other person is looking at you with a hurt expression or after comprehending your words.
Conflict can put people with mental health challenges into a more negative head space than most. Their response may be overwhelming because it is amplified by their trauma or mental illness. They may lash out hard as a defensive mechanism to keep from being harmed again.
3. Poor empathy and misunderstanding.
Sometimes, a person says hurtful things because they don’t register as hurtful. Everyone has a different threshold for what they consider hurtful, offensive, or insulting. Some people have thick skin, and some people don’t.
The arguments and disagreements between two people with thin skin and two people with thick skin may look very different. That doesn’t mean that feelings won’t get hurt or that one is better. It’s just that the types of words and method of delivery may be dramatically different. For example, people with thick skin may brush off harsher words easier than a highly-sensitive person.
Additionally, greater challenges arise when a person with thick skin ends up with a highly-sensitive person. A casual comment that a person with thick skin would laugh at and brush off may cause hurt to the highly-sensitive person. But that doesn’t mean the highly-sensitive person can’t wind up doing the same back. After all, a pointed attack on a sore spot can cause great harm.
4. Self-sabotage and low self-esteem.
People who say things they don’t mean may do so because they don’t feel good about themselves. Their actions are less about the argument and more about self-sabotaging their relationship.
After all, if they don’t love or care about themselves, how can this other person love and care about them? And one of the easiest ways to do that is by saying hurtful things, truthful or not.
The conflict and negative actions are a way for the person to push their partner away. They can then point to the failed relationship and say, “See? This person who claimed to love and care about me ended up leaving me because I’m not good enough.”
This type of behavior isn’t necessarily a conscious choice. Sometimes it’s just a reaction to the discomfort that a person with low self-esteem may feel when with someone who loves and cares about them.
5. Ego and the desire to win.
Humans are competitive by nature. And arguments are competitions. Some people interpret an argument as something that must be won, rather than resolved. But what’s the difference?
Well, winning an argument often entails just shutting the other person down so hard that they no longer want to argue. That may seem like a good thing to the competitive person, but it’s not. Winning an argument typically means that neither party’s problem has been adequately addressed or resolved. It just means that so much anger was thrown and so many foul words spoken that they don’t want to engage anymore.
On the other hand, resolving a conflict means looking at the problem, finding a solution that may be a compromise, and enacting the solution to smooth out the situation. A resolution is respectful and loving because it honors both participants. Just winning a fight is all about bludgeoning the other person into submission.
6. Masking insecurity.
Society doesn’t have much patience for fear, sadness, and insecurity. On the other hand, anger is an emotion that is often viewed as a strength. For some, anger serves as a shield to protect the vulnerabilities of fear and insecurity.
People who do not know how to be vulnerable may also respond with anger because they’re just overwhelmed with those feelings. So, they keep the armor on, the shield up, and the anger flowing because it does keep people away.
Anger keeps other people from looking too closely and seeing that this is a scared or sad person who may need help. However, that doesn’t make it okay for the insecure person to use anger and cruelty as a weapon or a shield.
7. People make mistakes when emotional.
People are emotional creatures. Sometimes they do dumb things when they are emotional. Most everyone has said something they didn’t mean in a flash of anger and lapse of good judgment. They may have felt hurt and snapped back with whatever came to mind. It’s different from poor impulse control as we already spoke about because it’s not a chronic issue.
