Do you get stuck in thought spirals?
What is your partner trying to tell you? While they probably just mean what they say and say what they mean, you spend hours analyzing every word.
Are they mad at you? Did you do something wrong? Will they break up with you?
If you’re an overthinker, it’s likely these thoughts and the rest that follow are damaging your relationship and your sanity.
1. You analyze everything they say and do.
The biggest and most obvious sign of overthinking in a relationship is if you read into everything they say and do. You analyze what it all means and search for a sign that they love you or want to break up with you.
For instance, you could imagine that they want to break up with you based on the tone of their voice or a small thing that they didn’t do for you.
You could also assume that they are cheating on you or want to cheat on you based on nothing but their body language and possible eye contact.
Are they falling out of love with you? Do they still find you attractive? You obsess over these types of things because of something that they’ve said or done.
If you’re overthinking your relationship, there is little reason for you to assume that your partner is ending things or doesn’t find you attractive.
Yet you constantly search for signs and continuously analyze their words and actions.
2. You read into their messages.
Why didn’t they use emojis in their last two messages to you? When was the last time they texted you first? How long did it take them to reply? What does their response mean, and is it a sign of something you should worry about?
Questions like these are constantly on your mind, and you treat your partner’s messages to you as if it was a secret love code that you need to decipher to get the “real” message.
Did they ask you questions? Are they being sarcastic or patronizing? Does it feel like you’re bothering them, or are they annoyed by you?
There are endless different ways that you could interpret a message, and you think about all the possibilities.
You probably send screenshots of your conversations to your friends to get them to help you interpret your partner’s messages.
While a lot of people do these things at the beginning of a romantic relationship, overthinkers can do it despite being in a relationship for years.
3. You take forever to write them a message.
Crafting the perfect message takes time. Sometimes it takes you forever to respond to your partner’s messages because you overanalyze your messages as well.
Do you sound casual enough? Are you being needy? Did you give them a reason to respond? Have you got an excuse to get in touch with them? Will you respond too fast if you do it now?
These questions and/or similar ones leave you worried about what you should write to your partner.
You may also include your friends in deciding what you are going to send to your partner. They give you advice on how to approach your partner’s previous messages or get your partner to engage in a conversation with you. Sometimes they might literally tell you what to write to your partner or how to respond based on what your partner wrote.
Again, while many people do these things when they’re crushing on someone or have recently started dating, overthinkers act this way throughout the relationship.
4. You remember every word they say.
When the two of you are fighting, you will mention the exact words they said in an argument that happened two years ago.
If they promised you something, you inevitably quote it eight months later in a fight.
You remember every word they say because you replay the conversation in your head long after it happened. It’s like you absorb every word they say while you are with them and you analyze those words later on by overthinking what they might mean.
The two of you frequently fight because of the tiniest details that you’ve noticed about them, such as their precise choice of words while they were mad at you.
5. You are scared that they’ll break up with you.
Whenever the tiniest argument happens, you’re afraid that your partner is going to leave you.
Even if they reassure you that they’re not breaking up with you, you constantly fear that they are and you find “proof” in what they say and do… or at least, that’s what you read into it.
You are afraid of losing them, and you probably don’t feel like you are worthy of them. Your insecurities could be stopping you from enjoying your relationship.
You could also overthink things to the point that you imagine that they’re lying to you or cheating on you. This could also be out of the fear of losing them.
Am I good enough for them? What if they fall for someone more attractive? Are they thinking about walking away from me? Do I always make mistakes that make them mad?
You stress yourself out over these types of things and always assume the worst.
6. You frequently change your mind.
Not only do you dwell on stuff that happens and analyze everything, you also frequently change your mind. One minute you consider ending things and five minutes later you feel convinced that your relationship will last forever.
You could be sure that your partner is going to leave you and then feel loved by them in a matter of seconds.
For instance, maybe your partner sends a message a lot later than you expected—a one-worder with no emojis. For you, this is enough to assume that your relationship is going to be over. However, then you text them that you love them, and they respond by saying that they love you too.
Crisis averted.
However, you could again overanalyze things and change your mind five seconds later.
Sometimes you’ll think that your relationship is going great, but after some overthinking, you’ll conclude that your relationship is doomed. Your partner will probably reassure you, but then the cycle begins again.
7. You always think that they’re mad at you.
Do you think your partner’s mad at you if they neglect to respond to your text right away? What if they had to break your lunch date? Chances are you will assume the worst. You always have a feeling that you’re doing something wrong, which makes you think that your partner is constantly mad at you.
You also read into the things that they say and do and find “proof” for thinking that they’re upset with you or that they find you annoying. You notice the slightest changes in their tone of voice or body language to validate your doubts.
Just because your partner doesn’t use a smiley face in a message doesn’t mean they’re mad at you. It also doesn’t mean they’re about to leave you, but you do always imagine the worst-case scenario.
8. You always imagine the worst-case scenario.
If your partner was hiding something from you, you would never think that they were planning a surprise for you. You’d instantly assume that they’re cheating or that something terrible is going on behind your back.
This is because you tend to imagine the worst-case scenario in every situation. It’s like you live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen to your relationship with no valid reason to think that way.
You spend a lot of time replaying conversations that happened and imagining future discussions. By analyzing and overthinking the words that have been said, you assume that something bad is going to happen. When it comes to your relationship and its future, you’re always a pessimist.
9. You always think you did something wrong.
What if what you’ve said or done was a mistake?
Since you constantly review scenarios that happened, you also dwell on anything that you might have done wrong and fear that it will end your relationship.
What if you come across as too needy or desperate? Maybe it’s a mistake that you’ve sent them a romantic text, or you did something wrong by not commenting on their new hairstyle…
You obsess over these types of things all the time, and you frequently apologize to your partner even if they don’t understand why.
Again, this is probably because of your insecurities and the feeling that you’re not good enough for your partner. It’s also because of your attention to tiny details that they might not even be noticing.
10. You can’t handle uncertainty.
When are you going to see your partner again? You always think about this while you’re with them. You need them to make immediate plans with you for the next time that you’ll see each other because you can’t handle uncertainty.
Phrases such as, “See you soon,” “I’ll call you,” or “Talk to you later,” fill you with fear that your partner is never going to get back to you. If you don’t know when you’re going to see them again, you fear that you’re not going to see them at all!
You live in constant fear that your partner is going to ghost you out of nowhere.
Are they still interested? If they’re not scheduling something right away, you will assume that they’re losing interest. You lack object constancy, so you also can’t handle any distance between you.
11. You constantly seek reassurance.
Do you love me? Really? Why? If these questions sound familiar, you probably seek constant reassurance from your partner because you tend to overthink things.
Even though your partner tries to reassure you, you still have relationship doubts that come creeping in even if everything is going great between you.
Do they really love you?
Maybe you can’t believe them and can’t understand why they would love someone like you because you have low self-esteem. You don’t love yourself, so you can’t see why others love you.
In addition, by overthinking things all the time, you find all sorts of signs that your partner doesn’t care as much as they say. You find it difficult to trust them even if they gave you no reason to doubt their honesty and loyalty to you.
You probably also struggle with retroactive jealousy and assume that your partner loved their exes more than they love you.
12. You find it hard to live in the present.
Since you’re constantly replaying events that happened in your head to analyze them, you find it hard to live in the present moment.
You’re stuck in the past where you think you’ve made some mistakes or noticed something that you should be worried about. You also worry about the future.
So, when you’re not stuck in the past, you’re stressing about what the future could bring, leaving no room for just living in the present moment. You don’t truly enjoy being in a relationship when you’re constantly worried about things that have been and things that are yet to happen.
Overthinking a relationship might seem like it is giving you some answers, but it is just preventing you from enjoying your life with your partner.
13. You always go to your friends for advice.
When you need to find out what your partner meant in their latest text, you send a screenshot to your friends. You always consult with your friends about your relationship and seek their advice. In fact, they are a bit tired of hearing about it, but they still offer some advice. You often blindly listen to them because you trust their judgment more than your own.
Maybe your friends are wise when it comes to relationships, but they’re no experts. Plus, no one can know more about your relationship than you do. Only you know what the right thing to do is, and you can’t always rely on your friends for help.
You should learn to trust your gut instead of overthinking things all the time.
14. You don’t trust your intuition.
You are the type of person that will pull out a yellow pad and write down a list of pros and cons rather than trusting your gut. If you had to choose between trusting your heart and trusting your head, you would always choose your head. However, you will also always rely on other people’s opinions about your relationship.
You don’t trust yourself enough to make decisions, and you always fear that you’ll make the wrong ones. Since you frequently change your mind, you also change your decisions entirely depending on the moment.
At one point, you are sure that your partner cares about you, while you think that they’ll leave you the next minute. This is partly because you don’t rely on your instincts. You’re always overthinking things that happen outside of you and never stop to reflect on what’s going on inside of you and how you feel.
15. You entertain intrusive thoughts.
As an overthinker, you often have to deal with intrusive thoughts. It’s okay that these thoughts pop into your head every now and then, but you tend to dwell on them for a long time and draw conclusions based on them. So, you end up being convinced that your partner is going to leave you or cheat on you.
Similarly to how people spend time daydreaming and fantasizing, you spend a lot of your time on intrusive thoughts and doubts about your relationship. You obsess over the little things that your partner might have said or done and can’t live in the present.
16. You replay the conversations you’ve had with them.
Whenever you have a conversation with your partner, you replay that conversation in your head later, when you’re alone. Obviously, you analyze every word, question what it could have meant, and come up with different scenarios.
You also look for anything you might have said wrong and obsess over it as if it was the biggest mistake you’ve made.
This is yet another thing that people often do in the beginning when they’re crushing on someone, but overthinkers do it in long-term relationships too.
There are usually no deep and hidden meanings in the conversations that you have with your partner, but you find them by reading into everything.
Overthinking things can be confusing. You can get so confused about how your partner feels towards you, that your own feelings become mixed up. With so many different possible explanations and meanings behind their words and actions, you don’t know what to think anymore.
