Not all friends are good friends.
There are certain qualities that must be shared in order to form the bonds of good and true friendship, and we’ve got 16 of them here. If you’re missing more than a few of these, it’s probably time to question whether your friendship is as special as you thought it was.
1. They are kind.
You’d think this was a given for any type of human interaction, but kindness is often overlooked.
We’ve likely experienced that “bend over backwards” kind of kindness that, to be honest, makes people a little uncomfortable.
The kindness of a good friend is more the “stand with you” variety. Rather than give you the shirt off their back, they’ll make sure that both of your needs are tended to so that there’s never a need for either of you to greet the world half naked.
2. They are honest.
Another of the main qualities of a good friend is that they will let you know when they’re hurt by you, confused by you, see you being foolish, and can tell when you’re hiding.
A lot of people don’t want to do any of these. It’s easier for them to hide behind “I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Thing is, good friends share. Even pain. Discomfort enters everywhere in life; it’d be dishonest to pretend it avoids friendship altogether.
3. They are individual.
A sense of identity creates amazing bonds. Good friends aren’t trying to become you, they’re fully-realized unto themselves.
Their sense of individuality plays off your own, and even enhances areas in both of you that may have gone unnoticed before.
And while dreams, goals, and temperaments are often similar, even the best symbiotic friendships know there are times when each individual must pull away to reflect and rejuvenate on their own.
4. They are playful.
If not for good friends, milk would never have snorted from your nose in junior high; you wouldn’t have half as many stories about the things you did in college; half of those stories wouldn’t involve nudity in one fashion or another, and today, as adults, there’s still a chance of liquids snorting from your nose. Except now it’s wine.
Friends play with us. They make us laugh at the most inopportune moments (devils) and catching a twinkle in their eyes is like the promise of Christmas morning.
The world pretends to be a serious place, but playtime stops it dead in its tracks every time.
5. They are protective.
Jimi Hendrix was probably thinking about a good friend when he came up with the lyric, “I stand up next to a mountain, I chop it down with the edge of my hand.”
Good friends aren’t protective of you in a self-interested, possessive way; they’re protective of you, all the oddly shaped, precious, intrinsic bits that make up your traveling soul, because those are the bits that truly gravitationally attract us to bright, brilliant souls.
It is a mission they take upon themselves often without knowing they’ve done so, but they’ll do it from here to eternity, whether standing up to a mountain, shielding you from impending harm, or even at times protecting you from yourself.
6. They are trustworthy.
There are people we trust only as far as we see them. Those don’t make good friends.
Then there are those whom we’d place everything that makes us “us” into an egg, give it to them, and allow them to race on pogo sticks across a booby-trapped, rubble-strewn field while we sip lemonade during the wait for them to return it.
We trust our good friends to be good people. If not: splat.
7. They listen.
Compassion and empathy combine to make our good friends excellent listeners because, honestly, who wants to project “Me, me, me” all the time at anyone?
It’s good to be silent and allow our friends to fill us with themselves, as they do with us.
Another key characteristic of a good friend is that they listen to your hopes, fears, questions, dreams, foolishness, musings, prattlings, and more, not out of obligation, but because they genuinely care.
8. They are optimistic but practical.
“Laissez les bons temps rouler!” – Let the good times roll – is the rallying cry of friends everywhere, but it’s one that a good friend tempers with the knowledge that impermanence is part of life.
Good times end, or sometimes have to wait, but that doesn’t stop the joy of having a friend live in your heart one bit.
9. They are respectful.
Respectful of you, respectful of your time, respectful of your right to make mistakes: these are hallmarks of someone worthy of being allowed into your life.
Respectful of the things you love, the things you fear, the things you avoid. Without respect, friendship slips into becoming just another of narcissism’s mirrors: you see the other as little more than an extension of you until they’re no longer useful.
10. You can be your real self around them.
One of the often overlooked characteristics of a good friend is that they are accepting of who you are – the good, the bad and the ugly. Because of this, you feel totally comfortable around them and can let every little aspect of your personality out.
Whether it’s the way you do a little dance when you’re happy or the impulsive nature of your drunken self, you don’t feel the need to hold back when you’re in their company.
11. You can sit in silence without awkwardness.
Following on from the ability to be yourself, another good sign of a deep friendship is your ability to share a moment or period of silence together. When a friendship is more superficial, silence is often deafening and tense, which makes it something to avoid.
I always think a good test of friendship is living together (or perhaps going on holiday together). When you spend enough time in each other’s company, there are bound to be bouts of silence and how you feel during these is an indicator of how close you are.
12. You are genuinely happy for each other when good things happen.
When you see someone who has what you want, the instinctive feeling is one of envy; this holds true for most superficial friendships.
When that person is a true friend, however, you are deeply happy for them and you don’t begrudge their fortune. If they find love, you want to meet the new person in their life; if they have success in their career, you want to hear all the details; and if they buy a nice house, you can’t wait to go and visit them in it.
If you find yourself wishing you were in their shoes, or believing that they get all the luck, then they probably aren’t one of your closest friends.
13. The conversation goes beyond small talk and “catching up”.
In certain company, you will feel obliged to keep the conversations light and avoid discussions that may hit personal barriers or shine a light on differences of opinions.
Another of the main qualities of a good friend, however, is that you can talk about almost anything you like. You don’t just meet up to discuss what you’ve both been up to or what you think of the latest TV show; the topic of conversation goes a lot deeper than that.
You can talk about the bigger things in life; your dreams, your fears, religion, politics, the meaning of existence. Debates are not uncommon, and they can even get a little heated, but your conversations are most certainly not drab.
14. They confront you if you are self-sabotaging.
Because a real friendship is one in which you can communicate on the deepest of levels and one that embodies trust in the fullest sense, a friend will always seek to prevent you from causing yourself harm.
They are the ones who know you well enough to notice when you’re not acting yourself. They see when you’re drinking too much, not eating enough, taking reckless risks with your safety and well-being, jeopardizing your career, or doing something else that you’ll later regret.
As hard as it might be for them to confront you about such things, it’s a sign of a real friend that they would find it even harder to sit back and watch you capitulate.
15. They will encourage rather than disparage you for trying new things.
Your hobbies, tastes, and opinions are bound to change over time and your friends will, no doubt, have something to say about it.
Those who question you for trying new things; the people who laugh at the very prospect; they are not truly your friends.
A real friend will be supportive of you and your growth as a person. Whether you are learning to salsa, volunteering for a charity in your spare time, or exploring your spiritual side, they will wholeheartedly encourage you to go for it.
And should you change your mind later on in time, they won’t be the ones saying ‘I told you so’, they will be the ones who congratulate you for giving it your best shot.
16. You feel comfortable enough to ask them a favor
Relating closely back to the point on someone’s willingness to help, if you would be happy to ask someone for a favor, there’s every chance you consider that person a close friend.
This is because you are confident that they will do whatever they can to assist you and because should they not be able to help, you won’t take it as a rejection. If you ask a more casual acquaintance for a favor and they say no, you may well be left wondering what their reasons are.
