These signs indicate a man is emotionally unavailable.
So, you’re dating a man you really like, or maybe you’re already in a relationship with him, but you’ve noticed a problem with the way things are going.
It might be that you’ve been feeling neglected lately, as though everyone else comes first for him before you. Perhaps you find him dismissive when you’re trying to talk about serious subjects, particularly when you try to bring up anything to do with your relationship.
If this sounds familiar, then it may be because you’ve chosen to couple up with an emotionally unavailable man.
If you aren’t sure whether or not your man is emotionally unavailable, keep reading to learn how to spot the signs.
1. You’re not his priority.
A common feeling to experience if you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is that of neglect. The feeling as though everybody else comes first for him above spending time with you.
This is because, in an effort to avoid becoming attached to you and face any difficult emotional situations, he finds it easier to keep you at arms length.
He’ll make excuses that prevent him from being available, either bailing on your plans or being busy with friends or work. The important thing to remember is that this is less to do with you than it is to do with his issues.
This behavior has been built as a defense mechanism to avoid getting too close to someone. He’s gotten used to putting himself first and not considering how it makes anyone else feel, especially someone in a relationship with him. It’s a bad habit and will take time and patience to change.
2. You don’t know where you stand with him.
Still waiting for him to bring up that ‘what are we’ chat? Or does he seem to dodge the question every time you ask?
A classic sign of an emotionally unavailable man is his reluctance to commit.
Commitment is the door to a world of deeper emotions and shared feelings – two things that this man would prefer to avoid if he can help it.
This can make it difficult if you are looking to take the relationship further. Whether you’ve been casually dating for some time and want to make it official or are looking for a deeper commitment in your relationship and need some reassurance from him, it might seem like you’re pulling teeth.
It’s natural to want to have a conversation to check that you’re on the same page, and to avoid getting your own feelings hurt. But with an emotionally unavailable man, it can become nearly impossible to pin them down.
3. You feel as though he dismisses your feelings.
If you find yourself being called ‘over-sensitive’ or ‘dramatic’ whenever you try to express yourself, it could be because your man is emotionally unavailable himself.
For someone who doesn’t like to engage with their emotions, when they see them in someone else, they find it uncomfortable to be around.
By dismissing your feelings and making you think your emotions aren’t valid, he is trying to control you and avoid engaging with how you feel because he doesn’t know how to handle it.
What may be the smallest display of emotion to you will feel too much for him to deal with as he is less tolerant of any type of emotional expression than most men. Because of this, you could regularly go feeling unheard or that your feelings are dismissed.
It’s not necessarily that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say; for him it’s just easier to avoid the conversation because he doesn’t know how to process it.
4. He can never see your point of view.
If someone struggles to process their own emotions, chances are they are even less likely to understand those of their partner.
If a man is emotionally unavailable, he may struggle to empathize with how you feel. And if you have differing points of view, he may be reluctant to try to understand.
Empathy and a willingness to listen to your partner are a huge part in overcoming conflict in a relationship. If you feel as though your partner finds it difficult or even avoids trying to understand your point of view, then they are likely emotionally unavailable themselves.
We may not always completely agree with or understand our partner, and still disagree with where they are coming from in an argument, but there has to be a willingness to at least agree to disagree and respect their feelings.
If a man is emotionally unavailable, their point of view will be all consuming and non-negotiable as they actively avoid trying to engage with anything else.
5. He avoids conflict.
It’s one of the most obvious traits of a man who is emotionally unavailable. If he doesn’t like dealing with emotions, he’ll avoid emotional situations at all costs – not least conflict in your relationship.
It could be that he agrees too quickly and won’t rise to a debate, or that he loses his temper instantly.
Either way, before an argument even gets going, he’ll have one foot out the door if he can, or he’ll be looking for a way to shut the conversation down entirely.
6. He can’t resolve an argument.
If you do get a rise out of you man and the situation begins to escalate into an argument, you’ll find that he really can’t cope.
You’ll know if he’s emotionally unavailable by the fact that his response to conflict is to either get a temper out of nowhere or to go AWOL with no word on where he’s going or for how long.
With someone who represses their emotions, when they do eventually let them out, it releases a build up of tension they’ve been keeping inside that they don’t know how to handle. This can result in them either running away from the situation or having a much bigger and stronger reaction than you would have expected.
Losing his temper in response to an argument is more to do with him than it is to do with whatever the argument is about. Anger might be his most common reaction to emotional situations because of his frustration at not being able to process how he is feeling and his discomfort at being faced with your challenging point of view.
You may not think that a situation warrants the over-the-top response he gives it, or feel abandoned when he disappears without resolving the argument. But his anger or need to escape comes from a place of fear that he’s losing control and his inability to work out how best to resolve the situation.
It’s easier to shout you down or run and hide than it is for him to take the time to find the middle ground between you.
7. He gets defensive.
If you find that he becomes unreasonably defensive whenever you try to discuss a disagreement or misunderstanding, it may be another sign that he’s emotionally unavailable.
Discussing emotions makes men with emotional issues uncomfortable and they’ll want to escape from the situation as soon as possible. If they are less in touch with their own feelings, any suggestion from you that they could be in the wrong will come across as a criticism as they’ll be unable to comprehend how your point of view relates to them.
This also goes for any time you try to get to the bottom of why they appear so closed off. If you attempt to get them to talk about how they feel or share some semblance of emotion with you, their first reaction will probably be a defensive one, trying to stop the conversation going anywhere before it’s even started.
8. His body language is closed off.
Body language signals how we’re feeling before we even know it ourselves. We all know the telltale signs of someone who is not interested in engaging: the crossed arms and the nervous disposition.
If a man is emotionally unavailable, you’ll be more likely to tell how they’re feeling through their body language than by what they say. Whenever you become emotional, see if he’s there to give you a hug and comfort you, or whether he appears more awkward and uncomfortable rather than reassuring and supportive.
In any emotional situation or conversation where you’re trying to get more feeling out of him, watch how he reacts. If he’s emotionally unavailable, chances are he’ll be reluctant to meet your eye, closed off with physical distance between the two of you, and most likely halfway out the door.
9. You’re the only one who puts the effort into your relationship.
Do you feel as though you put more into the relationship than you’re getting out? That any little gesture of affection is coming from you rather than him?
It could be that you make their favorite dinner or pick up a gift for them on your way home. Maybe you’re always the one planning dates or little surprises to make him happy. It could be as simple as doing more around the house so he doesn’t have to.
There’s a number of reasons why you could be feeling as though you’re the only one making these gestures and that your actions are going unappreciated or unnoticed. One reason could be that you’ve found yourself doing them for an emotionally unavailable man who is unable to comprehend displays of affection through acts of love.
If this is the case, rather than showing he cares, this man is doing everything he can to avoid showing he’s committed or has developed a deeper emotional bond with you. If anyone is going to have to put the work into this relationship, it’s going to be you.
10. He’s a closed book.
In any situation that you’d expect an emotional response, you can expect this man to underwhelm you.
Don’t wait for tears of joy or gratitude over the birthday surprise you’ve arranged for him or much of an acknowledgement over the date night dinner you’ve cooked. Even walking out in lingerie as a nighttime surprise might just get the smallest recognition.
When you try to connect with him on a deeper level – about his family, his childhood, or even past relationships – you’re unlikely to get more than the most basic of information out of him.
This goes for anything you share with him too. He’s not the type of man to be the first to apologize after an argument and will uncomfortably move away if you start blubbering at a movie.
It can be hard to know how much this man really likes you, especially in the early stages of dating. His tendency to be non-committal means that he’s not the sort to offer up unpremeditated compliments or be physically affectionate, especially in public.
He’s a closed book when it comes to sharing his feelings or even showing them, and it will be a struggle to ever really know what’s going on in his head.
