A passive-aggressive partner is a big problem.
Passive aggression can be difficult to deal with in a relationship because it can be tricky to identify or verbalize. The guilty party can sometimes be doing it unintentionally, and it’s also something that’s very easy to deny. But it can slowly chip away at the foundations of a relationship, sometimes bringing it down entirely.
Passive aggression can be defined as negative behavior that’s displayed through an unwillingness to communicate. It’s unassertive behavior, when someone refuses to address a problem head on. Someone who’s guilty of this will only communicate their aggression indirectly, maybe through sarcasm, or through withdrawing emotionally.
They tend to present a show of behaving well or nicely toward you on the outside, whilst actually trying to make you suffer to a lesser or greater extent – whether consciously or subconsciously.
Here are 13 examples of passive aggression to look out for in a relationship.
1. They relinquish all responsibility for important decisions.
If there’s conflict between you and you’re facing a complex situation, their standard response is just to withdraw entirely, so that you’re left to solve the problem all on your own.
This can cause serious problems as long-term, committed relationships are all about sharing the load and supporting one another, and the partner of someone who is passive aggressive will often feel abandoned.
2. They withdraw intimately.
They show their displeasure with you by withholding their normal physical affection for you, whether that’s caresses, kisses, hugs, or something more.
They almost seem to use physical affection, or lack of it, as a kind of reward or punishment for your behavior.
3. They withdraw emotionally.
When there are issues in your relationship, their default response is to put their emotional barriers up so that you can’t reach them on that level.
They punish you by cutting you off emotionally.
4. They rarely show their anger overtly.
A passive-aggressive partner doesn’t often get angry in the classic sense, either because they’re scared of the emotion, or they just don’t know how to express it in a healthy manner.
They prefer to take it out on your in other, indirect ways.
5. They use hostile humor.
They’re often sarcastic, or they tell thinly veiled hostile jokes, and then laugh when you react badly. After all, they were only kidding.
They might tease you about a certain thing or make comments about the way you look or behave.
6. They give you the silent treatment.
This is a classic passive-aggressive behavioral trait. It might just be the silent treatment, or they might go as far as to pretend that you’re invisible in an effort to punish you for something you did.
7. They sulk and never address their feelings.
Their default response to a situation in which they don’t get their own way is to sulk. You’ve never known them to be honest about when they’re feeling frustrated or angry.
8. They deliberately push your buttons.
They know just how to wind you up, so that you’re the one who appears to be getting angry, not them.
If you’ve done something they don’t like, they’ll goad you into losing your temper so that they can come across as the injured party.
9. They withhold information you need to know.
Another way they might attack you passively is by keeping important information from you to deliberately cause problems between the two of you.
Making you feel excluded and untrustworthy, or making your life difficult by keeping information from you is a classic passive-aggressive tactic.
10. They know how to hit you just where it hurts.
They know exactly what your weaknesses are, and they aren’t ashamed of dealing out low blows that they know will hit the mark when they want to make you feel bad.
11. They always deny their behavior.
If you tell them that they seem angry or annoyed, they’ll deny it outright, whilst continuing to sulk.
12. They play the victim.
They might exaggerate personal, professional, or health issues or make themselves out to be powerless or weak.
They manage to turn everything round so it seems like the world, and you, are always picking on them, and they’re just the unsuspecting, helpless victim.
After all, that’s the ultimate goal of passive-aggression: to make their negative feelings known, without actually owning them.
