Want to break up with your partner but not sure how?
If you’re reading this, then you’ve already made the decision… even if you haven’t quite admitted it to yourself yet.
It’s over.
Whether you’ve been with someone for a few months or years have gone by, breaking up with them is never going to be easy.
You know it’s the right thing, and that you’ll both be better off in the end, but the thought of actually breaking up with them isn’t a pleasant one.
It is practically inevitable that you will hurt your partner by ending the relationship, but how and when you break up with them will influence how upsetting it is for the both of you.
Here are a few things to think about before you break up with someone, to try to minimize the heartache you’ll cause.
1. Think about why you want to end the relationship.
You know you want to break up, but do you know precisely why? If not, that’s something you’ll need to figure out before you do anything else.
It’s important to have that clarity of mind when you sit down to talk things through with your partner. It will allow you to be clear in what you say, so that there’s no confusion.
It will mean you have the answers to any questions they might have, and you’ll be able to stand firm if they try to change your mind.
It will also give you more confidence in your decision. Your reasoning will be sound because you will have spent time thinking things through.
So what are your reasons?
Have you realized that you and your partner are just fundamentally incompatible?
Are you unhappy in the relationship, and have tried your best to remedy the situation?
Has your partner treated you poorly? Have they lied, cheated, or been aggressive toward you?
Do you simply not feel ready to be in a committed relationship right now?
Do a little soul searching and try to pinpoint ALL of the reasons why your relationship has no viable future.
2. Do it in person, if at all possible.
You can normally get away with ending things virtually if you’ve only been on a handful of dates or haven’t been seeing each other long.
Just be sure to actually tell them, for the love of god. If you think ghosting is socially acceptable you can stop reading now. There’s no hope for you.
If you’ve started meeting each other’s friends, staying over at each other’s place, or just feel like things have gone beyond the initial stage of a relationship, you owe them a face-to-face break up.
If it’s a long-standing thing, it definitely needs to be in person. My friend’s boyfriend of two years broke up with her brutally in a quick 10-minute phone call from the office. She’s scarred for life. Don’t be that guy, or that girl.
Breaking up with someone doesn’t allow you to treat them with any less respect. A face-to-face explanation of why you are ending things will help both parties to accept the finality of the situation.
Organize to see them and bring it up quickly, as small talk isn’t going to be comfortable in this situation.
On the other hand, doing it in person isn’t always physically possible. If you’re in a long distance relationship, there’s no need to wait to break up with them in person if you won’t see them for months. If you know it’s over, it’s better to do it virtually so that you can both stop wasting your time.
3. Pick the right place.
Preferably, do it somewhere private like their place (not yours, unless you live together – let them be on home ground!), so they don’t have to face the journey home with a tear-stained face.
At least pick somewhere that’s not particularly busy, so if they get upset then they’re not crying in front of crowds of people. A park is always good if the weather’s okay.
Please don’t pick somewhere seemingly romantic, and don’t do it over dinner in a crowded restaurant.
Caveat: if you have any concerns that they may get angry and act aggressively toward you, don’t do it in private. Make it somewhere public and in sight of others to ensure your safety. And let a close friend know where you are and what you’re doing and ask them to check in with you at a certain time to make sure you are okay. In fact, if your partner has ever been violent toward you, you might want to consider breaking up via a phone call.
4. Do it ASAP.
The last thing you want to do is hurt them, so you probably keep putting it off, but they probably already know something’s wrong.
They can tell that things have changed. Very few breakups come as a complete surprise to the person being broken up with, even if they deny it.
The sooner you do it, the sooner you can both move on with your lives and be happy again.
That’s not to say that you should abandon a relationship as soon as you hit some rocky ground – relationships are hard and take work.
But if you can’t see a potentially happy ending to things, there is little reason to delay the inevitable.
The exception to this rule is…
5. Try to avoid special occasions.
If you can, try to avoid any significant dates that are meant to be happy occasions, like their birthday or New Year’s Eve.
Try to avoid any sad days too, like the anniversary of the death of a loved one.
Just use your brain and think about how you’d feel in their shoes.
On the other hand, please don’t wait and do it the day AFTER their birthday. It’s not doing them a favor. You’ve given them some lovely memories on their big day, but immediately made those memories turn incredibly bitter, as they’ll know you were planning it all along.
6. Start the conversation the right way.
There they are sitting opposite you – your boyfriend or girlfriend. What exactly should you say to them?
How should you initiate the conversation?
Well, it might help to pre-warn them that you want to have a serious chat before you actually meet them. That way, you aren’t blindsiding them with the news that you want to split up. The possibility of a breakup will no doubt enter their head, meaning they are prepared for the chat. A simple text before you see them will do.
Let’s say you are going to their place one evening, as you often do. Rather than surprising them with your breakup speech the moment they open the door, you could text them when you are on your way saying something like:
“I’d like to talk to you about something important when I arrive, so don’t make the dinner just yet.”
Or earlier that day, you might say:
“We need to sit down and have an important chat this evening.”
When they inevitably respond by asking what about, you can just tell them that you’d prefer to speak in person.
Okay, so how about the actual conversation itself? How do you start that off?
The key is to keep your first sentence short and get straight to the point. But it can help to reaffirm that you care about them:
“I want you to know that I care about you and value the time we’ve spent together, but I think we should end the relationship.”
Or:
“You mean a lot to me, but I don’t think this relationship is working. It’d be better for both of us if we call time on it.”
The way you begin this conversation will set the tone for how the rest of it goes. So try your best to say whatever you say calmly and clearly. That might be hard in such an emotional situation, but the less emotional you can remain, the more serious your partner will take your wish to break up.
7. Tell them the truth.
Okay, so you’ve expressed your wish to go your separate ways. Now what? How should you handle the rest of the conversation?
I know you might think that it’s kinder to tell them you’ve just fallen out of love with them than that you’ve fallen in love with someone else, but it’s not.
They’ll find out the truth, and even if they don’t, they’ll still feel like something wasn’t right and you weren’t telling them the whole story.
Honesty is 100% the best policy, whatever your reason for breaking up with them.
Of course, their first question is almost certainly going to be: “Why?”
They will want to know your reasons for giving up on what you have together (as they see it).
Answer this questions honestly, without giving them any unnecessary details that will just make things worse.
This comes back to the idea of a breakup based on respect for your partner. Lying or not providing any explanation at all is no way to show respect for someone you cared about.
But you can still explain your reasons tactfully and this is best done by talking about how you are feeling and not resorting to reading out a list of their faults.
Sure, their behavior may be one of the main reasons for your decision, but now is not the time to point the finger of blame.
And framing the breakup as being based on you and your feelings gives them less opportunity to say they’ll change.
Try to keep your answers and statements short to avoid confusion and also to not draw out the whole conversation.
Don’t be afraid to pause before you say things or answer their questions. This will give you a vital few seconds to gather your thoughts and consider your words carefully.
Keep bringing it back to your feelings on the matter. Start your sentences with “I…” to remind you and them that this breakup is your choice and your reasons are what matter.
8. Be positive about your time together.
Whilst always sticking to the truth, try to express to your partner that you will look back fondly on the time you have spent together.
It will be easier on them if they don’t feel like you regret the whole relationship.
Tell them that you wish them well and that you hope they find someone with whom they can be truly happy.
These simple words can help your partner to see a positive outcome to the breakup and see the relationship as a worthwhile part of their journey.
9. Don’t ask for a break.
How many couples do you know that have gone on a ‘break’ when things get tough and then got back together, and stayed that way? I thought so.
A break is often just used as an interim measure by people who want to break up with their partner when they don’t have the guts to do it straight away.
Although it might not seem so on the surface, this is a pretty selfish move. If you know deep down it’s really over, it’s time to finish it. Don’t drag it out.
10. And don’t ask for ‘time’ either
Another technique used by those who don’t have the nerve to just do it. Telling your partner you’re unsure about the relationship and then asking them for time to think things over is not cool.
They’re likely to spend that time obsessing over it and generally feeling miserable, when they could be starting the process of moving on.
11. Make it clear it’s over.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that leaving them with a shred of hope is kinder than completely pulling the band-aid off. It’s not. If they know it’s over, they can start getting over it.
If you leave them under the impression that there’s a chance of you two getting back together, they might be determined to win you back.
12. But, of course, be gentle!
Whilst ripping the band-aid off sounds a bit brutal, it needn’t be! You do need to be firm and clear, but you should also be kind and gentle.
Don’t let yourself get worked up, and try not to cry if you can help it.
On the other hand, don’t act like you’re made of stone, as you don’t want them to think you never cared.
It’s a balancing act, but it’s best to keep reminding yourself of how you’d feel if you were in their shoes and use that as the guide for your behavior.
Whatever you do, don’t tell them you think they’re overreacting.
13. Disentangle your lives.
Depending on how long you’ve been together, your lives may have become interwoven in many different ways. Now is the time to start picking apart your life from theirs.
If you rent a place together, you should ideally find a way to end that arrangement as soon as possible. If you own a property together, that’s going to take longer to figure out.
Either way, it’s best if one of you moves out as soon as possible. Since you have initiated the breakup, that might have to be you. Though if you know they have a place they can stay, you might ask if they’d consider that instead.
If you don’t live together but have stuff at their place, you will need to get that stuff back. You have three choices here: if you have a key, you could do it before even having the conversation. Or, after the breakup, you could ask when they will be out so that you can come and get your things (posting the key through the letterbox as you leave). Or you could ask a friend to collect your things at a time when your now-ex is at home.
Other things you’ll need to think about are: shared bank accounts, major purchases you made together (such as cars, furniture, etc.), and even pets. If your partner is reasonable, you’ll be able to figure all this out in good time. But not all people will act reasonably in these situations. If in doubt, seek expert legal or financial advice to be clear on your options.
Social media is another area where your lives will have overlapped. You and they may appear in lots of photos together, you may have an official relationship status that is visible to all, you may have befriended their friends and vice versa. There is no single way to deal with all of this, but it’s something to think about.
14. Agree on contact rules and boundaries.
You may want to draw a line under this relationship, move on, and never see them again. That’s your choice, but they may not agree.
If they want to keep in contact and you don’t think it’s healthy, let them know as tactfully as possible.
No contact is often the best way to go when you first break up, to give both parties a chance to process things and start recovering.
However, your ex may want to talk about things some more to get closure and to understand your decision. If this is something you think you can handle, you can agree to be available in one form or another for a short period after the breakup. Whether that’s in person, on the phone, or via text is up to you.
Either way, you should make it clear what your boundaries are if you are okay with them contacting you. You might set a date after which you will cease all communication. You might ignore any texts after a certain time of night. You may say that if they try to convince you to change your mind, you’ll stop responding.
Perhaps you can be friends down the line – it does happen, and more often than you think. But no one can seamlessly turn a romantic relationship into a friendship. It’s good to have some space from them before deciding whether or not you want to keep them as a part of your life (assuming the feeling is mutual).
15. Accept that it’s not going to feel good.
Breaking up is never a fun or pleasant experience – for either party.
As the one who is ending things, you may feel all sorts of emotions such as guilt or regret. As the one being broken up with, your partner is likely to feel sad or hurt or angry or any combination of other emotions.
Be in no doubt, if the relationship has been going for even a few months, ending it is going to be hard.
Just remember that you can’t control how they react. And whatever it is they feel, those are valid feelings to have. You may think they are overreacting or attempting to make you feel bad, but people feel emotions in different ways and with different intensities.
You don’t have to accept responsibility for their feelings or how the breakup affects their life. Even if they tailspin down into depression, that is not on you.
You can still care about them from a distance, but try not to let their emotional reaction to the breakup seep into your life and your thinking. Keep your thoughts and feelings separate from theirs.
16. Take care of yourself.
The breakup is not going to be easy on you, even though you are the one who is initiating it.
Which is why it’s important to be kind to yourself, look after yourself, and do things that combat the pain and sadness you may feel.
This should definitely include letting your friends and family know about the situation so that they can be there to spend more time with you and support you through it. This will help with the loneliness you will potentially feel after cutting someone you cared about out of your life.
Yes, you should feel free to wallow for a little bit. That’s natural. It may include ways to numb the pain such as comfort foods or even some alcohol. Just don’t let it become your new norm. The moment you start to feel a little better, swap the junk food and booze for healthy meals and exercise.
