How to deal with a difficult sibling relationship.
Healing a difficult and possibly toxic relationship with one or more siblings is a difficult process. One that won’t always work.
And whatever else you take away from the points that follow, always remember that, ultimately, it’s your own mental health and tender heart that’s at stake. You have to do what’s best for you.
With that in mind, here are some things you can do to improve the situation.
1. Analyze what is wrong and how that makes you feel.
It’s easy enough to let things ride and constantly make excuses for your sibling’s behavior.
But for your own sanity, there comes a time when you need to identify the precise behaviors which are toxic.
Moreover, you should consider how these behaviors impact on you and on the wider family.
The toxicity can present itself in many ways. Maybe your brother/sister consistently ignores whatever comes out of your mouth, exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, fails to show any empathy, or appears to revel in every possible opportunity to put you down.
Having identified the exact nature of the behavior, focus on how this affects your general peace of mind, your mood, energy levels, and self-esteem.
This is the first step toward empowering yourself to handle the situation and understanding your emotional response.
2. Stop trying to justify the negative behavior.
Maybe you’ve turned a blind eye to your sibling’s poor behavior, in spite of the pain it causes you, just to keep the peace with the rest of the family.
But, if the way they’re behaving is so toxic that it’s ruining your own sense of well-being, then it’s essential to put yourself front and center for a change.
If the channels of communication are still open, your troublesome sibling needs to know the way you’re feeling. Exploring the reasons for the gulf that’s opened up is essential.
3. Is estrangement the only option?
An estrangement between siblings has emotional ramifications that go beyond your immediate relationship and impact on the wider family dynamic. Parents and other siblings will feel it too.
Big family celebrations or events are tricky to manage when the fabric of the family is torn.
So, if you decide to leave the relationship, it must be for the right reasons and not just a snap decision taken in the heat of the moment.
On the other hand, you may have made every effort to smooth the troubled waters, but in the end, your sibling may have chosen to alienate themselves in spite of your efforts. Their decision is, of course, out of your control.
Now you need to consider how much you value the relationship, whether you are prepared to fight for it, or whether the time has come to let it go.
4. Just a lull or a permanent break?
Do you see the rift between you as resolvable, given a suitable cooling-off period?
Or does the damage run so deep that the only solution is a permanent split?
It’s worth taking the time to consider the prospect of a future that doesn’t feature your sibling. How does that make you feel? Do you find it a huge relief or does it bring you sadness?
If your decision is to try to continue your bridge-building efforts, then open yourself up to listen to the story from your sibling’s perspective.
This means you’ll need to accept your share of the blame and apologize.
According to relationship psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman, “empathy, empathy, empathy” is the key.
He goes on to explain that “people don’t come back into families because you’ve shamed them to, it’s usually because they feel more understood.”
While you may find it in your heart to forgive and forget, your sibling may struggle to do the same. That is something you’ll need to come to terms with so you can move forward.
On the contrary, if your decision is to terminate the relationship permanently, you need to accept that the reasons behind the anger and alienation will forever remain unknown.
In a chronic, irresolvable and extreme case, walking away may be the only possible course of action for the sake of your own emotional and mental health.
Never feel guilty for that; your biggest responsibility is for your own well-being.
5. Understand that you may never know the underlying cause of the behavior.
It may be possible to ask your sibling directly the reasons why they act the way they do.
Or it may not, particularly in a situation where all contact has ceased and communication channels irrevocably closed.
Even in the former case, there’s little guarantee of satisfaction for you, since their behavior will be governed by the unique way they’ve processed and responded to their life experiences; something which they have little control over.
You may think that you have shared a life within the same four walls for nigh on twenty years, but the same stimulus – harsh parental treatment, for example – can result in a totally different response.
Learning to appreciate that toxic behavior stems from unhappiness or deep angst within an individual, whether you recognize its root cause or not, will help you realize that hurtful actions are a reflection of a person’s inner state.
As a result, their effect on you may be less damaging.
6. Don’t involve other relatives.
Asking other family members to pick a side is unfair and is only likely to deepen the divide.
If the problem is just between you and your sibling, then involving the wider family will put you at risk of compromising your relationship with them all.
7. Avoid spreading gossip.
The blame game is one you can never win. It will gain you nothing if you go down the ‘he said/she said’ route.
No matter if your sibling is doing their level best to undermine your relationship with wider family by spreading rumors and gossip, you need to be the better person. Don’t let yourself sink to their level of behavior.
If you retaliate, you’ll only be adding fuel to the fire and giving them ammunition to use against you.
8. Acknowledge that fixing a relationship is a 2-way street.
Try as you may to mend fences between you and your estranged sibling, if the will isn’t there on their part, you probably won’t get far.
Until they are willing to change, your relationship will remain in its broken state, but you should take no responsibility for that. You have tried, but they were unable or unwilling to meet you half way. That is not your fault.
If you allow your own mental state to be dragged down by their stubborn refusal to mend fences, the only person who will be damaged is yourself. Don’t let that happen.
9. Don’t let things fester.
As mentioned earlier, the subject of estrangement between siblings is rarely discussed.
It is worth remembering, though, the old saying that ‘a problem shared, is a problem halved.’
Bottling up these strong feelings will create a growing emotional burden within you, so it’s important to find a way to share your feelings with those you trust.
Not only is talking through your feelings with a trusted friend therapeutic, it also helps you gain perspective about the overall situation, to identify the root of your anger, and validate your feelings.
Just be aware that involving family members in such discussions is unwise, for obvious reasons
In the absence of a friendly listening ear, talking to a therapist may be the best solution.
10. Approach family gatherings tactfully.
Family gatherings marking significant milestones and celebrations are never going to be easy when sibling relationships are strained or broken.
Since these occasions are often difficult to avoid without hurting feelings, you’ll need to steel yourself to remain cordial toward your sibling.
Be the better person and rise above any hostility or any attempts they may make to get you riled.
You may be able to avoid contact and therefore conflict if you can find a way to share in the celebration on a different day. This could be a great way of lessening the stress, not just on you, but on the wider family too.
For example, you could celebrate a family birthday one day early or one day late, leaving your sibling to take center stage on the day itself.
Or consider meeting the rest of the family on Christmas Eve to avoid a potential Christmas Day clash.
You can lessen any feeling of being left out by creating new traditions on these special days and therefore making your own memories, but without the stress of sharing the occasion with your estranged sibling.
11. Set your sights on moving forward.
Whether you decide to go all out to build that bridge and recover your broken relationship or opt for a permanent severing of ties, you need to focus on the future and not dwell on past anguish.
In the latter case, you’ll need to draw a line in the sand and accept the reality of the person your sibling has become, regardless of the relationship you may once have enjoyed.
While that may bring you a deal of pain, the lifting of the emotional burden will bring relief as compensation.
Don’t allow bitterness to creep in and do its worst.
Instead, focus your energies on friends and family who do appreciate you and don’t let a grudge weigh you down.
As someone once said: “While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.” Not a happy prospect – don’t let it happen!
