If You Notice These 18 Signs, Your Family Is Toxic

Family doesn’t always mean nurture.

Four people are seated around a table, enjoying a meal together. The table is set with various dishes, including a salad, bread, and other foods. The setting appears to be a home with large windows in the background, allowing natural light to illuminate the scene.

For most people, the idea of “family” is a comforting one.

To them, “family” means loving parents and siblings, nurturing grandparents, and lovely extended family members. Basically, individuals who offer care and encouragement as well as guidance and support.

So what about families that don’t care and are downright toxic to be around?

If you’re living with family members who don’t care about you, their lack of care – or even downright dislike – can manifest in a number of different ways. Sometimes it’s obvious neglect and abuse, but other times it can be more subtle negativity that slowly chips away at you.

If you’re unsure whether you’re dealing with a toxic family situation, here are some of the main ways family members show their true colors.

1. They ignore you.

A young woman with her hair tied back, wearing a gray t-shirt, sits in the foreground looking thoughtful and concerned, with her hand resting near her mouth. In the background, an older woman with short, white hair wearing a cream sweater sits turned away. Both appear to be indoors.

You might find that your parents, grandparents, siblings, partner, or children just walk away when you’re talking to them, or ignore whatever it is you have to say. They’ll walk right past you in common space, will leave your texts on “read,” and won’t respond to your emails.

It’s like you are furniture rather than a living, breathing person, and they’ll only interact with you if they’re criticizing you.

2. Your needs and wants are neglected.

An elderly man with glasses and a beige cardigan stands in the foreground, holding a cane and looking to the side. A younger man with a beard, wearing a brown jacket, stands in the background with his hands outstretched, appearing to talk to the older man.

This goes far beyond not getting the right smartphone for Christmas. Rather, it’s a situation where things that are important to you are insignificant to them.

Maybe you need a ride to a doctor’s appointment but they forget about it. Or perhaps they won’t bother to leave any food for you to eat when you come home from work or school. You’re left to fend for yourself without any care or courtesy from them.

3. They don’t contact you or make time for you unless they want something.

Two women sit across from each other at a table in a cafe, engaged in a serious conversation. Both are wearing sweaters. A potted poinsettia sits on the table between them, alongside two white coffee cups and a smartphone. Large windows are in the background.

You won’t hear a word from them until someone needs a couch moved or they want to borrow some money. There’s always something far more important to them than spending any time with you.

Even a five-minute phone call is an inconvenience. There’s a TV show to watch, or a snack that needs to be made, or a leaf on the lawn that needs to be blown away…

Basically, everything else in the world is a higher priority to them than you are, until they need you for something.

4. They consistently let you down.

A young woman with long, dark brown hair is sitting while resting her head on her hand, looking off to the side with a pensive expression. She is wearing a dark long-sleeved top, and there is a gray metallic structure and a stone wall in the background.

Maybe they promised to babysit for you so you could have some time to yourself and ghosted you the day of, or didn’t show up for a dinner you prepared for them. Or they consistently forget your birthday.

You might have even the most basic hopes for acknowledgment from these people, but they consistently show you that you don’t matter enough to them to show you even the tiniest scrap of care and affection.

5. The only things they say to you are critical.

Two women are seated on a green couch, engaged in conversation while holding white mugs. The older woman, in a gray shirt, smiles and gestures while speaking. The younger woman, in a light pink blouse, listens intently. A white brick wall and a leafy plant are in the background.

If these people speak to you at all, it’s to criticize or insult you somehow.

Maybe they’ll make cutting remarks about your weight or hairstyle, or even your wardrobe choices. If they visit your home, they’ll undoubtedly have something nasty to say about the decor or cleanliness.

Nothing you do is ever good enough for them, and you’ll never get any positive comments. Ever.

You may find yourself bracing every time they open their mouths because you know that something hurtful is going to come out of them.

6. They’ll belittle or humiliate you in front of others for fun.

Two women sit at an outdoor café, smiling and enjoying coffee from white cups. The woman on the left has long blonde hair and wears a patterned sleeveless top, while the woman on the right has long brunette hair and wears a yellow off-shoulder top with floral designs.

Toxic family members may take a startling amount of pleasure in putting you down in front of others. Maybe they’ll mention something embarrassing that happened to you when your romantic partner is over for dinner. Or they’ll discuss private things going on in your life when you’re out grocery or clothes shopping.

They’ll go out of their way to make you feel small and pathetic in front of other people, and might even smirk or laugh while doing so. If you tell them that they’re being inappropriate or hurtful, they’ll tell you that you’re being oversensitive and ask why you don’t have a sense of humor.

It’s like they don’t even realize you’re a person who’s actually affected by the horrible things they say about you.

7. Everything you say or think is wrong or ridiculous.

A woman with dark hair in a light blouse sits on a gray sofa, gesturing as she talks to a young girl with blond pigtails in a pink shirt who has her arms crossed and looks upset. The background shows a kitchen out of focus.

Do your family members try to pick fights about any opinion you have? That’s a huge sign right there. People can agree to disagree on things, rather than arguing for its own sake.

Your ideas and opinions are valid and should be respected, but when family members don’t care, they prefer to cut down others’ stances in order to make them feel small.

To them, every opinion you have is stupid or wrong somehow. This can range from political and spiritual leanings to hobbies and creative endeavors. Your taste in books, music, and movies is crap for a number of reasons, and why are you bothering to be creative when you draw or sculpt like a seven-year-old child?

The mockery never ends.

8. They never acknowledge your accomplishments.

Two men sit on a couch facing opposite directions, looking upset. The older man, with gray hair, rests his elbow on the back of the couch. The younger man, with short dark hair, clasps his hands together. Both wear long-sleeve shirts and jeans. The background includes a window and shelves.

If you get 99% on an exam or paper, they’ll ask why it wasn’t 100%. When you get a job you really love, they’ll ask about the pay rate and benefits rather than congratulating you for it. You could win a gold medal at the Olympics and they’d just make snide comments about a face you made while you were doing the complicated move that won you the gold.

Some people with uncaring parents end up as intense overachievers simply because they’re aching for some measure of approval. Maybe, just maybe, if they earn a couple of PhD degrees, are amazing triathletes, master chefs, AND crazy attractive, they might receive a single kind word from their family members.

That rarely happens, though.

In fact, people who are raised in uncaring, unsupportive families are far more prone to developing issues such as borderline personality disorder or other cluster B issues.

9. They disrespect your boundaries and your privacy.

A family of four gathers in a bright kitchen. A young man and woman on the left are focused on a tablet and laptop respectively. An older woman in the center appears to be talking passionately, while an older man on the right listens intently. The counter has breakfast items.

They might purposefully do things that you’ve asked them not to, from coming into your room without knocking to discussing aspects of your health or personal life with their friends. These people might even go through your things or read your texts/emails because they feel entitled to do so as “family.”

Whatever boundaries you try to set, they disregard and leap over as it suits them. And then they’ll get mad at you for being upset about it.

10. If something is important to you, but not them, then it isn’t important at all.

A woman with a worried expression sits on a couch resting her head on her hand. In the background, a man sits with his arms crossed and looks away. Both appear to be in a state of tension or disagreement. The setting is a bright room with natural light coming through the window.

There may be topics and causes that you feel passionate about, but if they don’t care about them, then they’re unimportant or stupid.

Or, even worse, they’ll mock or torment you about it. For example, an animal rights activist or vegan might find photos of abused animals taped to their bedroom door. Or an environmental activist’s family members might smirk as they purposefully throw cans into the garbage instead of the recycling bin, just to antagonize them.

Whatever is important to you is fuel for their vitriol.

On rare occasions, if you end up being passionate about something that’s important to them as well, then they’ll mock you for copying them, or compete with you over anything you do with regard to that cause. (More on this a bit further down).

11. They don’t care about what’s going on in your life.

A woman with grey hair in a light trench coat is holding a phone to her ear. She has a serious expression and is standing outdoors near a body of water with a blue sky in the background.

They never ask how you’re doing, and never check in to see if you’re okay. If you try to tell them about things that are happening in your world, they’ll either change the subject to something that’s going on with them, or give other indications that they’re clearly not interested.

Furthermore, if and when you go through difficulty, they really don’t put in any effort to make sure you’re alright. Your house could burn down and they wouldn’t bother calling (or even texting) to see if you survived the blaze, let alone offer any help with sorting anything out after the fact.

It’s like you barely exist in their universe except as a nuisance. Like a mosquito.

12. Your difficulties are brushed off as being dramatic or insignificant.

An older woman with short gray hair and glasses comforts a younger woman with long brown hair by sitting next to her on a sofa, placing her arm around her shoulder. The younger woman appears upset, her head resting on her hand. The background shows a bright living room.

If you try to talk to them about problems you’re facing, they might tell you that you’re overreacting or that your issues aren’t real or significant enough to bother you. They might even laugh and say “I wish I had YOUR problems” before launching into all the stuff they’re dealing with, which of course are far more important and devastating than yours.

Furthermore, if you try to express to them how their neglect or mistreatment is hurting you, they’ll laugh it off and make fun of you for it.

13. They gaslight you on a regular basis.

Two men are sitting at a wooden table in a bar, each holding a beer bottle. The man on the left, looking distressed, has his head resting on his hand. The man on the right is comforting him with a hand on his shoulder. A plate of nachos is on the table.

Your family member(s) might treat you horribly, and then tell you that they didn’t actually say or do the things you remember them doing. They’ll try to convince you that you’re remembering things incorrectly, or imply that you’re “crazy” for even thinking such a thing.

Depending on how toxic the family dynamic is, they might even band together against you so you end up questioning your own memory (and sanity).

14. You’re excluded from events or not told important information.

An older woman sits on the floor by a fireplace, examining a small wrapped gift. In the background, a younger person carries rolls of wrapping paper. The room is decorated for Christmas with a festive tree, stockings, and other holiday decor.

Did you go back home for a visit to find out that your childhood dog was put down and nobody bothered to tell you about it? Or maybe you saw photos of a big family get-together on your sibling’s social media page, but you didn’t get invited to it?

There are few signs of a lack of care as blatantly obvious as being intentionally excluded from family-related events or issues. You might be the last person to find out that your grandparent has cancer, for example. Alternatively, you could be the only family member who isn’t asked to be part of your sibling’s wedding party (if you’re invited to it at all).

If you weren’t invited to something and found out about it later, they might just brush it off with, “Oh, it was a spontaneous thing and we didn’t want to bother you,” or, “it was just a few people who got together – nothing for you to make a big deal out of.”

It’s hard to believe that when you see public photos of dozens of your relatives dancing at a formal event though, isn’t it?

15. They compete with you.

Two women, one with long dark hair and the other with short white hair, stand back-to-back with their arms crossed, both looking slightly annoyed or displeased. They are dressed casually in light-colored tops and blue jeans, standing against a plain white background.

Maybe you have an older sibling who has to one-up you in every endeavor. They have to be better than you and then rub it in your face. Or your parents will either compare you to themselves, or attempt to outdo things you’re interested in.

Everything becomes a comparison or competition, with them doing all they can to ensure they maintain a position of power over you.

In really unhealthy family dynamics, some members might even try to be competitive with you toward your partner or spouse. It’s not uncommon for a sibling (or even a parent) to be inappropriately flirtatious with someone else’s romantic partner just for the sake of proving to themselves that they’re somehow better/more attractive than you are.

It’s an awful thing to experience, but a clear sign of what they think about you. And that’s not much.

16. They sabotage your joy or success (or even the potential thereof).

A senior woman with gray curly hair passionately talks to a young blonde woman sitting next to her on a couch. The young woman looks down, appearing upset or deep in thought. The room has subtle decor with a potted plant and a white vase in the background.

This person might say that they’ll give you a ride to a job interview you’re really excited about and then bail the day it’s booked so you’re late, or miss it entirely. Naturally you won’t get the job, which will likely offer them some measure of amusement, and they’ll then turn the failure on you for not having a backup plan.

If you get engaged, they’ll put down your chosen partner or imply that the marriage won’t last long. When and if you have children, they’ll likely criticize their appearance or achievements. These people will go out of their way to try to be hurtful, pulling the rug out from any breath of joy you might take.

17. They try to control or dominate you.

Two women are in a tense situation at a table. The woman on the left, wearing a pink sweater, sits with arms crossed, looking upset. The woman on the right, in a white top, stands behind her with an expressive, frustrated gesture, appearing to speak intensely.

Some parents take the whole “while you’re under our roof, you’ll do as we say” much too far, and try to control every aspect of their offspring’s life while they live at home. Then, if and when the kids move out, the parents will try to guilt trip or manipulate them into behaving a particular way.

If you don’t behave the way they want you to, then you might end up with the silent treatment, or other family members contacting you to give you crap for causing upset in the family dynamic.

You may be threatened with things like having financial support taken away if you don’t do what they want. Some family members might even threaten to tell your employer or partner secrets about you that can put your position or relationship in jeopardy.

They’ll stoop to startlingly low levels in order to make you do what they want.

18. You aren’t allowed to be your true self without negative repercussions.

A younger man and an older man, both sitting on a light-colored sofa, are engaged in a heated discussion. The younger man, in a white shirt, gestures with his hands while the older man, in glasses and a blue sweater, responds animatedly with clenched fists.

One of the worst things that an uncaring family will do is refuse to accept and support you as you are. If you don’t fall in line with how they envisioned you’d turn out, you’ll be insulted, guilt-tripped, and/or downright abused. This could range from sabotage and small acts of cruelty to physical blows.

Maybe you’ve made some major life changes such as becoming vegan or changing your name (even your gender), but they refuse to honor or acknowledge these changes. They’ll keep calling you by your former title (deadnaming) because “that’s the one THEY gave you,” or try to slip animal protein into your food because they think it’s funny.

They might refuse to pay for your education unless you go into a field they approve of, or they won’t contribute to your wedding budget if they don’t like your chosen spouse.

They might even refuse to help you with your children if you don’t induct them into the family’s religion, or choose names that they don’t like. Some toxic family members have even been known to call their grandchildren or nieces/nephews by names they like better, simply as a measure of dominance and control!