14 Steps To Take If You Feel Unwanted And Unloved By Your Partner

1. Look within.

A man and a woman stand back-to-back with a wall separating them. Both have their arms crossed and appear upset. The man wears a light blue shirt, and the woman wears a peach-colored blouse. The background shows white blinds partially covering a window.

It’s time for a little introspection:

– Do you generally feel insecure in relationships?

– Do you struggle with anxiety?

– Do you set walls around yourself or have no boundaries whatsoever?

– Are you overly jealous?

– Have you been feeling lonely?

Consider whether the feeling of being unwanted actually comes from your own insecurities.

Think about other possible issues that you might have that are making you feel this way.

Do you feel good in your own skin, or are you ashamed of your body? This is a serious question that you should answer as honestly as possible.

If you don’t love yourself or your body, do something about it. You should take action even if that’s not what’s currently causing a problem in your relationship.

Learn to love yourself and accept your body. Work on improving yourself both inside and out, and it will become much easier to feel good in your own skin.

If you don’t feel desired in general – not just by your partner – it’s something that you have to address. A therapist can help you with that, but you’ll need to do the heavy lifting.

2. Think about your past.

A man in a white shirt sits in the foreground with a distressed expression, holding his head with one hand. In the background, a woman in a light green shirt sits turned away, gazing into the distance. Both appear to be in a tense or thoughtful mood.

Is what you’re feeling new to you, or have you experienced it already in your past relationships? This is another important question that you need to ask yourself.

Does this feeling usually happen after the honeymoon phase passes?

Do you feel unwanted when your partner stops being the person who can’t keep their hands off you?

Think about your past relationships. Consider how those experiences might be related to what you’re experiencing now.

Don’t stop there. Think back to your childhood. Maybe you always try to save people, even when they don’t want to be saved. You give them everything so that they will love you back. This is probably about the love that you should have had but didn’t get as a child.

If your past is causing you problems in the present, don’t ignore it. Talk to a skilled therapist who could get to the root of the problem and help you get over your past traumas.

3. Consider what happened recently.

A black and white image of two people inside a modern, arched hallway. A woman wearing a coat leans against a wall with her arms crossed and eyes closed. A man in a suit, also with arms crossed, stands nearby looking at her. The corridor features large window panes.

When did this problem start, and what happened when it did? Have you gone through a major change or a big milestone in your relationship?

Maybe you recently had a baby. Your partner is now focused on the baby, while you were their primary focus before. This could be why you’re feeling unwanted. Most parents experience problems in their relationship after a baby arrives. They become stressed and exhausted, and even unsatisfied with their relationship.

Maybe you haven’t had a baby, but you’re stressed out because of some other big change in your relationship. Perhaps you just need some time to adjust to the new circumstances and become less anxious.

Feeling unwanted in a relationship often isn’t a permanent problem. Your partner might simply be preoccupied with other things at the moment.

4. Think about what’s going on in your partner’s life.

A woman with curly hair sits in a modern wire chair, resting her head in one hand with a distressed expression. She is wearing a dark sweater and jeans, in a room with neutral tones and a large green plant in the corner.

Has your partner recently lost their job or got a promotion? Have their family or friends experienced some major issues? If something important and all-consuming is going on in their life right now, that might be all there is to it.

Your partner can’t focus on making you feel special because they are under a lot of stress. They have a lot of responsibilities or worries that are leaving them with less time and energy to focus on you.

Try to be patient with them and let them sort things out so that they can go back to making you feel desired. Support them and be there for them if they are going through something difficult. If they are struggling with mental health issues, encourage them to talk to a therapist.

5. Consider things from your partner’s point of view.

Two individuals, a man and a woman, sit opposite each other at a table adorned with red roses and autumn leaves. Both appear contemplative, gazing in opposite directions. The background features vibrant fall foliage, adding a warm, seasonal ambiance.

Maybe you can’t think of anything big that’s happening in your partner’s life right now. But, try to put yourself in their shoes. There doesn’t have to be anything major going on for them to be occupied with other things or to feel stressed out.

We often project our personal issues onto our relationships. We let our negative imagination fool us into thinking that there’s something wrong when there really isn’t. So, take a moment to try to see things from your partner’s point of view.

Are they even aware that you’re feeling unwanted? How would they react if you told them that? Can you anticipate what sort of explanations they would give you? Is their life hectic right now? Do they still treat you with kindness, affection, and love? Think about these things before talking to them.

6. Check for signs of toxicity.

A man is angrily shouting at a woman in a living room with large windows. The woman, looking frustrated and upset, is standing with her arms crossed and her hand touching her temple. Both are wearing denim shirts. The room has shelves and a couch.

Maybe your partner’s behavior is toxic instead. Are they manipulative, narcissistic, or disloyal? Do they stonewall or gaslight you? Are you feeling unloved and unheard, not just unwanted? Do they abuse you in a verbal, emotional, or even physical way?

While it’s easy to spot physical abuse, emotional abuse is harder to identify, especially if you’ve experienced it before.

Were you emotionally abused as a child? If so, you might have become numb and unable to defend yourself, so it’s hard for you to even identify abuse.

Learn more about the signs of toxicity in a relationship to see if your partner’s behavior is toxic. If it is, it’s probably best to take some distance from them and talk to a therapist about your issues.

7. Understand which specific actions make you feel unwanted.

A man and a woman sit on a couch in a living room, both looking towards the camera with serious expressions. The man wears a blue t-shirt and the woman wears a teal t-shirt. The room has white walls with shelves, a lamp, and a framed picture in the background.

What exactly does your partner do to make you feel like they don’t want you anymore? Take some time to think about this question.

Maybe they are unavailable, emotionally distant, or preoccupied with something else. Is this happening due to circumstances that neither of you can control?

Are they instead knowingly making you feel unwanted? For instance, maybe they are always distracted when you talk to them. They look at their phone, or their eyes wander around the room, searching for something more interesting. Maybe they instead look at other women or men.

Try to describe what exactly makes you feel unwanted in as much detail and as precisely as possible. This will help you in solving the problem and talking to them about it.

8. Don’t blame yourself.

A woman with curly dark hair and a pale complexion rests her head against a window, eyes closed, with a calm expression. The reflection of her face is visible in the glass. She wears a light grey top, and the background is softly blurred.

When it comes to relationship problems, we tend to overthink things and drive ourselves crazy. Overthinking it could lead to blaming yourself for everything and thinking poorly of yourself.

Relationship problems are rarely only one person’s fault, if ever. Don’t forget that it takes two to tango. Don’t make yourself feel bad about this.

Both of you have likely contributed to the way things are now. It’s either that, or it’s a matter of circumstances that are out of your control.

You can’t put all the blame on your partner, but you can’t take all the blame either. Don’t let your negative thoughts consume you and make you think badly about yourself.

9. Don’t let it damage your self-esteem and confidence.

A woman with long dark hair sits with her arms resting on her knees, looking down with a pensive expression. She is wearing a light gray sweater and blue jeans. The background is blurred, giving a sense of contemplation or concern.

Feeling unwanted can seriously harm your self-esteem and confidence. It could plant seeds of self-doubt that could grow into negative thoughts about yourself. You could start thinking that you’re not good enough or even worthy of love. You might believe that you did something to push your partner away.

In the end, you might feel that there’s something seriously wrong with you that’s making you unlovable.

None of these things are true, so stop yourself from overthinking. You can do this by focusing on other things that are going on in your life, outside of your love life.

Do more things that make you happy, dedicate your time to your hobbies, or throw yourself into your career. Focus on self-improvement and work on being the kind of person that you want to be. Don’t just do this so that your partner will want you; do it for yourself, to make you happy.

10. Talk to your partner about it.

A woman with long hair and glasses is sitting at a table, engaging in a conversation with a man wearing a gray sweater. They are indoors near a window with sunlight streaming in, and there are cups and a laptop on the table.

Finally, we get to the most important part of dealing with feeling undesired by your partner. Talk to them about it. Healthy communication can easily solve most relationship problems.

Make sure that your mind isn’t fooling you into thinking that you’re unwanted in the relationship. If it’s not about your negative imagination, sit down with your partner and have a serious talk. Let them know how their behavior makes you feel and which actions make you feel undesired. Remind them that you love them and want to make things work.

You might be surprised. Your partner might be entirely unaware of the impact that their actions are having on you and how serious it is. They might shine some light on the subject and help you see things from their point of view.

Fixing the problem in your relationship might be as easy as having an honest conversation with your partner.

11. Consider couples counseling.

A man is talking with his hands gesturing while sitting on a couch next to a distressed woman wiping her eyes. In front of them, a person with curly hair is holding a notepad and sitting in a chair, possibly a therapist or counselor.

When you can’t solve the problem on your own, remember that there are people who are trained to help you with that.

As long as you and your partner are willing to work on your relationship, you definitely can make it work. You might just need a bit of guidance from someone who is experienced with the issues that you’re facing.

Remember: where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Couples often consider counseling as the last resort and turn to it years after first experiencing the problem. This is a mistake. The longer you wait to solve the problem, the harder it will be to solve it, even with outside help.

So, don’t be afraid to ask for help as soon as the problem gets out of hand.

Yes, you might be able to work through this yourself, but it might also be a bigger issue than self-help can address. And if it has reached a point where you feel unhappy or are having serious doubts about the relationship, the issue needs to be resolved now.

12. Go on dates and spend quality time together.

A couple sits on a checkered blanket having a picnic in a park on a sunny day. They are both holding wine glasses, with an open book and hat resting on the blanket. Tall trees surround them, creating a serene and green backdrop.

Maybe the spark is gone from your relationship, but it can be reignited. You can still reconnect; it might just take a little effort.

You might be feeling this way because your partner has stopped initiating things. However, they shouldn’t be the ones who initiate things every time anyway.

Take charge and schedule dates and quality time together.

Make a rule that you’re not going to get distracted by your phones or other things while you’re on a date.

Discover fun new things that you could do together too. Maybe you could start a hobby related to your common interests. Whatever you do, don’t be afraid of trying new things and being a little adventurous.

You should have fun in a relationship, but the fun isn’t going to happen on its own. Find fun activities that you can do together, and find the time to joke around and laugh.

13. Give it some time.

A young man and woman are smiling at each other while sitting closely at an outdoor table. The man has short curly hair and is wearing a gray shirt. The woman has a short blonde hairstyle, wears a white hat, and a pink tank top. Drinks are visible in front of them.

Be patient. Big changes usually don’t happen overnight, especially positive ones. If your partner has been acting uninterested or distant for a while now, it will take time for them to change. Notice the efforts that they make, even if they are small. Appreciate and applaud their efforts. Encourage them to keep improving.

The truth is, your partner probably cares about your feelings, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be with you. So, be patient with them and pay attention to signs of progress.

If they are currently going through something, give them time to deal with it. The important thing is that they are willing to work on things and that they’re trying—give them your full support and encouragement. However, if they’re not willing or even trying to work on the relationship, consider ending things.

14. Consider ending the relationship.

A woman in a red dress holds a broken red heart symbol with a sad expression, while a man in a black suit stands beside her with arms crossed, looking serious or indifferent. The background is a plain light gray.

If you have tried all these things, talked to your partner, and concluded that they don’t want you anymore, it might be time to call it quits.

You need to take care of yourself, and you deserve to feel desired in a relationship. The people in your life who don’t want you shouldn’t get the chance to have you.

Know when it’s time to leave if the relationship isn’t working anymore. Don’t feel bad about yourself if your partner doesn’t want you anymore. You did nothing to deserve that, and they did want you before, so nothing changed but their feeling for you. That’s on them.