There are different types and levels of communication. It’s not always about what you say directly, but how you say it. Sometimes what you say carries a layer of subtextual communication that other people pick up on. That may include body language or how you speak.
Body language demonstrates certain emotions whether you talk or not. You demonstrate interest, happiness, sadness, and more through facial expressions, hand movements, and your stance. For example, you may lean forward and expressively ask for the person to share more because you’re interested.
People-pleasing phrases communicate directly through words, but they also communicate indirectly through subtext. That’s why it’s important to use the right language when enforcing boundaries. If the person senses flexibility in the subtext of your words, they may take that as an invitation to push.
These people-pleasing phrases communicate that you are not assertive and that your boundaries could be tested. So, which should you consider stopping?
1. “I’m sorry” when it’s not your responsibility.
“I’m sorry” informs the receiver that you are taking responsibility for what happened. So, what about when it wasn’t your responsibility? You’re telling them you’re willing to accept blame to keep the peace. Instead, if you need to acknowledge something went wrong, try “thank you for understanding.”
2. “No problem” when someone thanks you.
Was it “no problem?” Or was it a problem? What if you only agreed because you didn’t want to argue or didn’t feel like you could say no? “You’re welcome” is often the better choice because “no problem” is an invitation to ask you again since they know you’ll say yes.
3. “Whatever you want” instead of providing your thoughts.
Be an active participant. “Whatever you want” communicates that you have no strong opinions. However, if you do have an opinion, you have to stand up and say, “Here’s what I think would work best” or “I would like to do…” You need to have your opinions if you want to do things that are right for you.
4. “I don’t mind” when you do mind.
Don’t agree to things that you don’t want to do just to make someone happy. Takers will take as much as givers allow. Instead, say “I’m not going to do that” or “I’d prefer if we did this instead.” If you say, “I don’t mind,” they are going to assume that you’re okay with whatever they asked. After all, if you did mind, you would have said that!
5. “Is that okay?” when you want to do something.
You shouldn’t have to ask permission from another adult to do anything. Instead of asking them permission, inform them of what you are going to do by saying, “This is what I’m going to do.” By doing so, you assert your independence in a way that they can easily understand. That independence needs to be respected.
6. “I can do that” when it will overburden you.
What if you can’t do that? Well, it’s up to you to inform the other person that you can’t. Again, it comes down to protecting your own time, space, and energy. If you don’t have those things to give, don’t try to people-please by agreeing. Instead, say “I can’t take on more right now. You’ll need to find other help.”
7. “I just wanted to…” instead of asserting yourself.
Don’t say “I just wanted to…” when you need to do something. The phrase “I just wanted to…” is asking permission from the person you’re talking to. You shouldn’t be asking permission from another adult to do anything. Instead, inform them that “I need to…” and then do what you need to do. It’s up to them to deal with how they feel about it.
8. “If you don’t mind…” when you want someone to do something
“If you don’t mind” is more of a question than a statement. Questions make it easier for other people to say no. In this context, “if you don’t mind” would be used as a way to get someone to stop doing something. They may not see that as a boundary. Instead, use a statement like “I would appreciate it if…”
9. “I’ll try” when you know for certain that you will/won’t do something.
Sure, there are sometimes you’ll be asked to do something that you’re not sure you can do. However, you should provide a clear answer if you know. Furthermore, some people will interpret “I’ll try…” as a reason to make you responsible for whatever they’re asking. Instead, answer “I will” or “I won’t be able to” to provide a clear response.
10. “I guess” when you have a different opinion.
Do you have an answer but you don’t want to upset the other person? “I guess” communicates that you do have an opinion, but you don’t want to express it. Here’s the kicker, the other person likely doesn’t care that you have another opinion. They care about their opinion and acting on what’s right for them. Instead, offer a more assertive answer like, “I think…” followed by what you think.
11. “I’m sorry to bother you…” when you have an issue to discuss.
“I’m sorry to bother you…” subtextually communicates a lack of commitment to your statement. It’s offering wiggle room for the other person to easily say, “Well you are bothering me, come back later.” And that may be valid, or it may be the statement of someone avoiding a conversation. Instead, go with “Do you have a moment to discuss…?”
12. “I’m fine” when you actually want to talk about something.
Everyone has used the phrase “I’m fine” to deflect. Most people accept “I’m fine” as a passive way to avoid a question. However, it can easily become an automatic response when you don’t want to cause a problem. It’s okay to feel fine, but it’s better to make a statement like, “I need some time to think about this…” to inform the person that you do want to talk.
People-pleasing denies your autonomy. You’re the only one who can advocate for yourself, so you have to be willing to ruffle some feathers from time to time. Other people might be unhappy, but that’s for them to deal with.
