10 Behaviors That Lead To Shallow, Unfulfilling Relationships With Others

Genuine connection is more difficult than you may realize. Many of us are conditioned to close ourselves off and keep others at a distance to avoid being hurt.

But healthy relationships are built on trust, openness, and honesty. You can’t have those things when you attempt to build your relationship on superficial ground.

And that’s why you need to avoid these behaviors when you’re trying to create new relationships…

1. Avoiding vulnerability.

A man in a blue shirt and glasses smiles while talking to a woman with shoulder-length blonde hair and glasses. They are standing outdoors near some greenery. The man is holding a white cup.

Vulnerability allows you to build deep connections with others. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t see who a person truly is, which means you can’t know if there is a genuine connection or not. Naturally, we want to protect our vulnerabilities so we don’t get hurt. But being hurt is a risk you have to take when you want to connect with someone. Risk is the price of admission to a healthy relationship.

2. Only having superficial conversations.

A woman with long curly hair, wearing a green plaid shirt, sits and smiles at another woman in the foreground who is blurred. They appear to be having a conversation in a cozy indoor setting.

Most relationships start off with superficial conversations and small talk. It’s how we start the process of connecting with other people. Many people claim to hate small talk. They want to have the deep, philosophical conversations that “don’t waste anyone’s time.” However, there are many people who don’t want to have those deep conversations until they know you better. A balance must be struck. Superficial small talk is good to get started, but eventually, you’ll need to shift to deeper conversations.

3. Not communicating your thoughts and feelings.

Two men are casually chatting in an office. The man on the left is holding a red notebook, while the man on the right is holding a basketball and pointing. Other people in the background appear to be engaged in conversation. The setting is relaxed and informal.

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. You both need to be able to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and openly. Otherwise, you will find that misunderstandings lead to emotional distance. Emotional distance prevents you from meaningfully connecting with other people. They don’t get a chance to see who you genuinely are or how you genuinely feel. So speak your mind and allow others to do likewise.

4. Being inconsistently available.

A woman with short blonde hair and red lipstick leans against a brick wall with her arm resting on her forehead. The image is blurred, giving it a slightly dreamy and abstract feel. She is wearing a dark jacket.

You’re going to have a hard time connecting if you aren’t present. If you’re unreliable, then new people are going to assume that you’re just not interested or you’re flaky. Few people want to deal with that. Being present is a huge part of relationship success. If you constantly cancel plans, you are telling the person that you’re not interested in spending time with or connecting with them.

5. Being self-centered.

Two women sit at a table with glasses of orange juice. The woman on the left rests her chin on her hand, looking bored. The woman on the right gestures excitedly with a big smile. They are in a bright outdoor setting with blurred greenery in the background.

There’s no greater turn-off than someone who is not willing to share the spotlight. You need to take a genuine interest in other people, their lives, and their experiences. That can be as easy as asking a few simple questions, such as what are your hobbies? What are you interested in right now? What’s your favorite movie/band/genre of music/artist? And pay attention! Put your phone down for the conversation!

6. Lacking or not demonstrating empathy.

A middle-aged man and woman are sitting on a couch facing each other, engaged in a lively conversation. The man is gesturing with his hands while the woman listens attentively. Both are dressed casually in white shirts. Shelves with books are in the background.

By failing to understand or acknowledge another person’s feelings or perspectives, you can make them feel invalidated and unappreciated. Everyone has struggles that they live with, some more than others. A quick way to demonstrate that you won’t be a good friend or partner is to downplay or outright ignore the other person’s feelings. Their feelings need to be acknowledged and accepted, even if you don’t agree with them.

7. Being dishonest.

A woman with long, light brown hair in a beige cable-knit sweater points at her nose, which is exaggeratedly long like Pinocchio's. She is smirking slightly against a gray background.

Dishonesty starts killing a relationship before it ever gets off the ground. Sooner or later, they are going to figure out your dishonesty. Anyone with any kind of healthy boundaries or self-esteem is going to look at that behavior and distance themselves from it. Mentally healthy, emotionally competent people don’t put up with nonsense. Good relationships are founded on honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable.

8. Avoiding conflict.

A man and woman sit closely together on a wooden bench, engaged in conversation. The woman wears a coral-colored fuzzy sweater and beige pants, while the man sports a dark blue jacket and jeans. They are in an outdoor setting, with a tree trunk visible beside them.

Conflict is a sign of a healthy relationship. Conflict typically means that both people are being honest enough about themselves to clash over personal differences. That’s good! Being different isn’t a bad thing. Avoiding conflict altogether is, because that means one of you isn’t expressing your genuine self. Besides, good relationships are strengthened by mending conflicts and taking care of one another. That gives a good sign of who you truly are.

9. Having a judgmental attitude.

A man with short gray hair, wearing a white shirt over a white T-shirt, is standing on a beach. He is looking pensively into the distance with the sea and sky in the background.

No one wants to be criticized or judged. You have to accept people for who they are if you want to forge a deep connection. Otherwise, you’ll just create feelings of uncertainty in the other person. They’ll put their defensive walls up and then you won’t be able to meaningfully connect. Keep this in mind if you have a hard time with judgment: you don’t have to have an opinion. You can listen to what someone else says and refrain from judging. You don’t have their life experience or perspective—they may know something you don’t.

10. Having a transactional mindset.

Three people are relaxing on colorful bean bags outdoors, laughing and chatting. Behind them is a food truck with a wooden facade and colorful triangular bunting. The setting appears casual and cheerful, perfect for a friendly gathering.

Relationships aren’t transactions. They can’t be, because they are never truly equal. You can’t expect to receive something back for everything you put in. What you should expect is for the other person to put similar energy into the relationship as you. They should want to get to know you, to be empathetic, to communicate, and to show up for you as you should do for them. And if they don’t? Well, you can take that to mean they weren’t as interested as you thought they might be. And vice versa.