21 Reasons Your Adult Kids Are Avoiding You

Have your kids pulled away from you?

An older woman with curly gray hair and a younger woman with long blonde hair are sitting closely together on a beige sofa. Both appear to be deep in thought or concerned. The room is bright, with sunlight streaming in through a window in the background.

Do you find that your adult kids are actively avoiding you? If they are, then it’s probably for a good reason. Here are 21 possibilities as to why they may be keeping their distance.

1. You constantly criticize them.

An older man with white hair and a beard passionately gestures with his hand while speaking to a younger, bearded man in a blue shirt who looks frustrated. They are sitting in a modern, brightly lit kitchen.

Nobody likes to spend time with a person who’s constantly criticizing them and putting them down. You may think that you’re “just trying to help” by offering suggestions about what they should be doing differently, but your unsolicited advice is neither wanted, nor appreciated—especially if it’s insulting or demeaning.

2. You don’t respect their boundaries.

A middle-aged woman with gray hair, wearing a striped shirt, sits next to a younger woman with blonde hair, in a pink shirt, on a couch. The older woman smiles and touches the younger woman's shoulder, who looks away with a hand raised in a dismissive gesture.

Personal boundaries exist for a reason, and parents don’t get free rein to overstep them just because they’re “family”. If you don’t respect the parameters that your adult kids have set for their own well-being, then they’re going to keep you at a distance for the sake of self-preservation.

3. You are controlling.

A young woman sits on a couch with a hand on her forehead, looking frustrated. An older woman beside her gestures with open hands, appearing upset or concerned. They are in a living room with plants and shelves in the background.

Do you still order your adult kids around like they’re disobedient toddlers? Or perhaps you try to guilt or manipulate them into behaving the way you want them to? Controlling behavior isn’t appreciated by anyone, and it is likely a contributing reason as to why your kids limit their contact with you.

4. You have a favorite child (and you make it known).

A younger woman and an older woman sit closely together on a light-colored couch. The younger woman has short dark hair and wears a beige top. The older woman has short gray hair and wears a light brown cardigan over a white blouse. They are smiling and embracing.

If your kids know full well that one of their siblings is your favorite and the others are simply tolerated, what incentive do they have to spend time with you? You’d be happier hearing from your golden child instead of them anyway, so why would they put in the effort?

5. You were abusive or neglectful when they were young.

A man angrily points his finger at a young girl who is sitting on the floor against a wall, covering her ears with her hands. The man is squatting in front of her. They are in a room with wooden flooring and a large window in the background.

People reap what they sow, and if you were abusive towards them as children, then it’s no surprise that they don’t want much contact with you now. Their formative conditioning associated you with negativity, and that’s very difficult to repair without significant effort, if it can be repaired at all.

6. You haven’t said sorry for your mistakes.

Two elderly men sit on a couch in a living room. One man, in a green shirt, leans forward with his head in his hand, appearing distressed. The other man, in a maroon shirt, gestures with his hands as if offering advice or support. Shelves and a TV are in the background.

Everyone makes mistakes, and parents are no exception. That said, many parents who abused their kids in the past don’t apologize sincerely for their behavior. If you’ve tried to justify or diminish your past actions, you’re telling your kids that you aren’t truly sorry at all for the hurt you caused.

7. You’re self-destructive and refuse to seek help.

A child sits curled up on the floor in the foreground, looking distressed. In the background, an adult lies on a couch, appearing unconscious or asleep, with an arm hanging down, holding an empty bottle. The scene suggests a troubling or sad atmosphere.

Self-destructive tendencies like addiction or untreated mental health issues don’t just harm the person suffering from them: they cause ripples that damage others as well. If you refuse to seek help for what you’re going through, your kids may stay away because you’re too much for them to handle.

8. You’re a burden.

an adult daughter having a disagreement with her mother

Do you only talk to your kids when you need or want something from them? We all need to lean on others now and then, but all relationships require give and take. If you’re always demanding and never giving back in turn, they’ll try to avoid being drained by you.

9. You undermine their parenting.

An elderly woman and a younger woman are having a heated discussion in a living room. The younger woman touches her head in frustration, while a young girl sits on a couch in the background, observing the scene with a concerned expression.

Your adult kids’ children are theirs to raise, not yours. Being the grandparent doesn’t give you the right to question, criticize, or undermine their parenting—especially in front of their offspring. That includes sneaking your grandchildren things they aren’t allowed and informing them that their parents are wrong about various subjects.

10. You don’t like their partner (and you make it known).

A young man and woman are smiling at each other while sitting closely at an outdoor table. The man has short curly hair and is wearing a gray shirt. The woman has a short blonde hairstyle, wears a white hat, and a pink tank top. Drinks are visible in front of them.

If your kids have chosen life partners whom they love and respect, they won’t take kindly to you putting those partners down—especially to their faces. It’s fine if you don’t like people for various reasons, but excluding or criticizing the people they love won’t put you in their good books.

11. You make everything about you.

Two women, one with long dark hair and the other with short white hair, stand back-to-back with their arms crossed, both looking slightly annoyed or displeased. They are dressed casually in light-colored tops and blue jeans, standing against a plain white background.

If your kids tell you about difficulties they’re facing, do you “one-up” them with the issues you’re going through? Or if they share successes, do you refocus on yourself instead? They may have learned that your world revolves around you and you alone, and they won’t reach out as a result.

12. You guilt trip them.

A young woman and an older woman are sitting on a couch having a serious conversation. The young woman has brown hair and is wearing a white polka dot shirt and jeans. The older woman has gray hair and is wearing a beige cardigan and glasses. Shelves with plants and decor are in the background.

Nobody likes to be guilt-tripped, and trying to manipulate your adult kids by playing the victim card will push them even further away from you. Would you want to spend time with a person who’s constantly making you feel bad or saddling you with obligation? Well, neither do they.

13. You invalidate their feelings and perspectives.

A young woman is sitting with her arms crossed and looking away, appearing upset. An older woman behind her is touching her forehead and looking shocked. Both are indoors, in a living room setting with white shelves and a soft-lit ambiance.

There are few things as infuriating and demeaning as having one’s feelings and experiences invalidated—especially when the invalidation comes from a supposed loved one, like a parent. Your kids won’t want to open up to you about anything if you’re always telling them that they’re overreacting or being ridiculous.

14. You break your promises.

A middle-aged woman with short gray hair and a younger woman with long brown hair sit on a couch. The older woman is talking with an expressive gesture, while the younger woman looks away with her arms crossed, appearing frustrated. Both are wearing beige clothing.

Do you expect others to keep their word to you, but continually break your promises to others? Then your adult kids have learned that you can’t be relied upon and, by extension, can’t be trusted. Why put time and effort into a person who doesn’t care enough to reciprocate?

15. You don’t respect their privacy.

Two women sit on a couch with their bodies turned away from each other, appearing upset. The woman on the left, with long brown hair, wears a red shirt and looks pensive. The woman on the right, with blonde hair, wears a yellow shirt with her arms crossed.

Just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to know everything about your adult kids’ lives forever. If you open their mail, pry into their intimate affairs, or demand to know intimate details about their personal lives, then it’s no surprise that they’d prefer to avoid you.

16. You make them piggy in the middle (i.e. if parents are split up).

Two women are depicted in the image. In the foreground, an older woman with short brown hair looks down thoughtfully, with her fist against her mouth. In the background, a younger woman, facing away, appears to be deep in thought as well.

Divorce isn’t easy for anyone, but you might make your adult children uncomfortable if you’re always trash-talking your ex around them, or if you expect your kids to act as a messenger between you. If you do this, they may keep their distance to avoid being put in that position.

17. You choose your new partner over them (i.e. if parents are split up).

A blonde woman in a white top and an older man with gray hair wearing a gray shirt are sitting outdoors near the beach. The woman is in focus, looking to the side, while the man is out of focus in the background with a serene expression.

Do you place your new partner or spouse ahead of your children in terms of importance? If so, it shouldn’t surprise you if they’re avoiding you. Essentially, if you’ve shown them repeatedly that you’ll choose this new person over them in all respects, why would they make you a priority?

18. You don’t respect their beliefs.

A senior woman and a younger woman sit on a couch in front of a window. The older woman appears to be explaining something with an expressive gesture while the younger woman, sitting with her hand on her forehead, looks away with a frustrated expression.

You don’t have to believe the same things as your adult kids, but you should be courteous and respectful about them. If you disparage their beliefs or go out of your way to antagonize them and sabotage things that are important to them, they won’t want you in their lives.

19. You don’t support their goals.

A man with short, dark hair, wearing a light green shirt, is engaged in a serious conversation with an older man who has gray hair and is wearing a light blue shirt. The younger man is gesturing with his hand as he speaks.

Just because a goal isn’t important to you, doesn’t mean it’s not important to your kids. By not supporting their endeavors, you’re telling them you don’t really care about them or their interests. Why would they want you around when they know that you’ll never have their backs?

20. You negatively compare them to others.

A young man in a plaid shirt, resting his head on his hand, looks frustrated in the foreground. A woman in a red cardigan and an older man stand in the background, appearing concerned, with the woman gesturing with her hands in a questioning manner.

Are you constantly comparing your adult kids to their peers in terms of achievements, finances, or appearance? Or telling them that they’re a disappointment in your eyes compared to other people they know? Then they’ll choose to avoid you rather than getting perpetually reminded that they’ll never be good enough.

21. Your behavior is offensive to them.

A younger man and an older man, both sitting on a light-colored sofa, are engaged in a heated discussion. The younger man, in a white shirt, gestures with his hands while the older man, in glasses and a blue sweater, responds animatedly with clenched fists.

Do you often make racist, phobic, or other bigoted comments and jokes when your kids are around? Or behave in a vulgar fashion that they find off-putting? Nobody likes to spend time with people whose behavior makes them upset or uncomfortable, regardless of whether they’re family members or not.