8 Signs You're Having An Emotional Affair Without Realizing It

8 Signs YOU May Be Engaged In Emotional Infidelity

A man with a beard is lying in bed, propped up by pillows, and is looking at a smartphone he is holding. Beside him, a woman is sleeping peacefully, also snuggled in the bed with white sheets and pillows. Both are wearing casual clothes.

There are various signs that you may be having an emotional affair. Here are the main ones.

1. You frequently communicate with the other person.

Two people, a man and a woman, are intently reviewing photographs on a table in a modern studio. Camera equipment, including lenses and a camera, is scattered on the table. The background features shelves, lighting equipment, and a minimalistic design.

Communication with the person is often and ongoing.

You may find yourself brushing aside your partner to make time to talk to this person, often at inopportune times, like during lunch breaks, late at night, or when your partner is sleeping.

You devote an excessive amount of time to communicating with this person.

2. You find yourself thinking about this person often.

A blonde woman with wavy hair wearing a white sleeveless top, rests her chin on her hand while looking pensively into the distance. She is seated in a cozy indoor space with blurred background elements, including wooden shelves and greenery.

The person invades your thoughts regularly. You start to have thoughts of them like you would with someone you’re infatuated with.

You want to share things with them, share time with them, and often wonder how they are doing.

This person will be on your mind more often than what you would expect with a platonic friendship.

3. You discuss personal topics with the person.

A man and a woman sit across from each other at a small table in a brightly-lit cafe. They appear to be engaged in a deep conversation, with their attention focused on each other. A small potted plant and a glass are on the table.

Very few conversation topics will be off-limits between the two of you. You may find yourself relating your problems to them often, seeking solace in their words or actions.

You also find yourself sharing the problems of your relationship or criticisms of your partner with this person.

4. You believe this person understands you better than your spouse.

Two people sit at a café table, each holding a coffee cup and smiling warmly at each other. The image is viewed through a window, with soft reflections of lights and surrounding buildings. Both individuals appear to be enjoying their conversation.

The person may seem like they get you in a much deeper way than your spouse.

And often, they will, because the lines of communication have broken down between you and your spouse so they aren’t privy to any growth or changes that you’ve experienced.

5. You start making excuses to spend more time with the person.

A man and woman sit on the grass, enjoying snacks. The man holds a guitar and dons a backpack, while both wear casual clothing. They are outdoors, possibly in a park, and in a relaxed, cheerful conversation.

This may or may not be physical. It could also be skipping an activity to instead spend your time video chatting or texting with the person.

Emotional infidelity is often fueled by regular and constant contact with the person.

6. You start comparing your spouse to the person.

A person with long blond hair, wearing glasses and a blue shirt, is smiling while engaging in a conversation with another person who has short hair and is turned away from the camera. The background shows an urban setting with blurred buildings.

You may idealize the partner that you’re having an emotional affair with, comparing your spouse to them.

You may be angry or frustrated that your spouse isn’t like the third party or doesn’t do things the way they do.

The spouse often becomes the bad guy, even if they aren’t doing anything wrong, because the person having the emotional affair is now holding them to an unfair standard.

That unrealistic standard is usually based on an idealized version of this third party. That idealization is mostly rooted in the fact that the chemistry is fresh and you’re not living with the person, so you haven’t accurately seen their flaws or annoying behaviors yet.

7. You redirect more of your time and attention to the person.

A bearded man and a woman, both wearing sunglasses, smile and stick out their tongues while taking a selfie. The man wears a black cap, headphones, and a denim shirt. The woman is in a plaid shirt. They are standing in front of a weathered brick wall.

Your spouse is getting less and less of you as time goes on. You are giving more of your time and attention to this third party, often cutting into the time you could be spending with your spouse instead.

8. You need to lie to control the information flow about the partner.

A man and a woman sit on a green couch in a room with a kitchen in the background. The man, wearing a white t-shirt, leans back with a relaxed expression. The woman, in a gray cardigan and white shirt, sits upright, looking ahead.

Lying by omission is still lying, and it’s easily the biggest red flag that you’re having an emotional affair.

You aren’t fully honest about your friendship with the person to your spouse.

You leave out details about what you talked about and when you talked. You don’t mention times when you meet up with this person, like lunches or meetings.

You deny communications happened or you may be regularly deleting conversation logs you’re having with the person so that your spouse doesn’t find them.

If you can’t openly discuss the friendship with your partner, it’s probably an emotional affair.