The 7 Stages Of A Romantic Narcissistic Relationship

Relationships with narcissists play out in this order.

A close-up of a young woman and a man. The woman, on the left, has long brown hair, blue eyes, and is wearing a cozy beige sweater. The man, on the right, has short brown hair, a beard, and is wearing a gray sweater. Both have serious expressions.

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you may have noticed that they unfold a bit differently from standard partnerships. We’re going to look at the seven stages of a typical narcissistic relationship. By the time you finish reading it, you’ll be able to identify their patterns and protect yourself accordingly.

What makes a narcissistic relationship so appealing?

A couple stands intimately close on a sunny day by a river, with city buildings and a bridge in the background. The woman, wearing a black leather jacket, gazes down while holding the man's chest. The man, in a black coat, leans in with a serious expression.

A romantic relationship with a narcissist can be startlingly passionate, full of strong emotion and intense physical chemistry. There will be an instant, electric connection between them at first, which is intentional on the narcissist’s part: their goal is to bond with their target so fiercely that they’d find it difficult to leave.

Once that initial bond fizzles, the subsequent rollercoaster of emotional upheaval can actually be exciting and addictive for both parties. This is especially true if they have obsessive personalities, or if they thrive on drama. The two of them can become codependent, despite the anguish that the relationship may cause them both.

A narcissist will get bored with a partner who’s too meek and acquiescent, but they will chase and obsess over one who acts like they could take or leave them. Similarly, an empath may only feel real personal worth and value when dating a narcissist.

Stage 1: Targeting

A man in a gray suit and glasses sits at a wooden table in a modern café. He holds a smartphone and checks it while his other hand rests on a laptop. The background shows large windows, greenery outside, and shelves with various items.

The narcissist finds a target and determines the best way to establish a connection with them. The most common way for them to do this is to seek someone out online, such as through a social media community that they’re both part of. The narcissist may hone in on someone and then do research about the person’s likes, dislikes, and so on. This gives them all the data they need to model themselves into a partner who seems “too good to be true”.

For many narcissists, the most effective approach is with a “white knight” scenario in which they find a vulnerable (usually empathic) person with low self-esteem, and swoop in to “rescue” them from a bad relationship. The person has no idea that they’re leaping from the fire pan into the proverbial fire here: they think they’ve met the partner of their dreams, and that life will be amazing from now on.

Stage 2: Idealization

A woman and man stand close together in an intimate pose. The man, wearing a dark hat and gray jacket, gazes lovingly at the woman. The woman, with red hair and a tattoo on her shoulder, looks down with a soft smile. The background is blurred and neutral-toned.

Narcissists are in love with the idea of a perfect relationship, so they’ll fixate on all the best aspects of the person they’ve targeted. They might obsess over their body, for example, or admire their mind and academic achievements. Once they’ve put this person on a pedestal, they do everything they can to win and keep them. They’ll do this by love bombing them, making grandiose gestures (like extravagant trips or expensive gifts), and talk about making long-term plans together.

If their target was hesitant to trust or believe in their passion at first, the sheer intensity with which their narcissist predator is pursuing and seducing them may override their natural self-defense mechanism. This is especially true if they have low self-esteem or have been through traumatic experiences in the past. Basically, they want to be loved and adored, and will choose to ignore red flags and let the narcissist in.

Stage 3: The Hook

A man in a suit kneels and proposes to a surprised woman in a white dress and brown boots. They are surrounded by lush green plants inside a greenhouse. The woman appears emotional, with her hands clasped near her face.

This is where the narcissist embeds themselves into the other person’s life. One of the most common ways of doing this is by proposing marriage, although they may have no intention of going through with a wedding. By getting engaged, they’re essentially locking themselves into their target’s life without actually committing to anything long-term. Of course, some might marry their victims—or impregnate them—as a means of ensuring they get to keep them.

From there, the narcissist will try to manipulate the situation to their greatest advantage.

Since many narcissists didn’t get their needs met when they were younger, they’ll find a way to force their target into the role they want them to be in. For example, they might have an accident that prevents them from working, or play victim about past inequalities to go back to school full time while their partner supports them financially.

Stage 4: Devaluation

A man in a black suit and bow tie appears to be speaking with an upset expression, while a woman in a beige dress stands facing away with her arms crossed, looking down. They are in a white room, separated by a partial wall.

This stage is where the shine starts to wear off. The narcissist will begin to fixate on all the perceived “flaws” they see in their partner and will use those as perfectly valid reasons to pull away from them. They’ll become hostile towards the person who, up until now, has been their everything. Most will start to get overly critical and find excuses to spend less time together. They don’t want to waste precious time on a creature that no longer interests them, nor serves their needs and wants.

Meanwhile, the partner is starting to realize what they’ve gotten into and they’re calling the narcissist out on poor behavior, which their narcissist doesn’t like at all. As such, they’ll pull away further, increase various abuses, and start to look for their next target.

Stage 5: Discard

A woman in a brown coat sits and covers her face with her hands, looking distressed. In the foreground, a man in a gray coat walks away, out of focus. The background shows an outdoor setting with blurred natural elements.

This is the point at which the narcissist will find an excuse or reason to end the relationship. It usually won’t happen until they’ve found (and established themselves with) their next victim, so while they’re infiltrating the new person’s life, they’ll remove themselves slowly from the current one. For instance, they may start a new secret bank account, move possessions out of their shared home, and spend as much time apart as possible.

When they’re ready to sever the connection completely, they may pick a fight over some perceived wrongdoing, or accuse their partner of cheating so they can leave in such a way that makes them look like the injured party. They do this to keep their reputation with their shared social circles intact, and thus have everyone’s full support and sympathy regarding their decision to leave the partner whom they have painted as the wrongdoer in this situation.

Stage 6: Nostalgic Hoovering

A woman in a crocheted peach crop top and a man in a light teal shirt are posing against a concrete wall. The man leans towards the woman, who has one arm against the wall, creating an intense and intimate atmosphere. Both have well-groomed, stylish hair.

Since narcissistic relationships always follow the same pattern, you can rest assured that the narcissist’s new partnership will unfold the exact same way. Once the shine wears off the new relationship (which may take a few years), the narcissist will repeat their old behavior and try to find a new target. If one isn’t readily available, or if they’re feeling vulnerable because the current partner was too much of a challenge for them, the narcissist will seek to return to familiar ground instead.

As such, they’ll retrace their steps and try to hoover (aka “hook”) a former partner back because familiar territory is a lot easier than trying to seduce a new victim. They’ll reach out to the former partner who’s most likely to take them back, using a combination of nostalgia, apologies, promises of personal growth and change, and so on, to establish a new bond with them.

Stage 7: Repetition

A man and a woman pose together against a black background. The man is wearing a dark suit with a white shirt, and the woman, who has long, wavy blonde hair, is dressed in a white lace dress. Both are looking slightly off camera, with the woman glancing back.

After the narcissist has succeeded in hoovering their victim back into a partnership, the previous cycle will begin anew. The difference is that this time, it’ll happen more rapidly than it did before.

Essentially, what has happened is that the narcissist will play all nice and loving in order to get the energy and affection that they’ve been lacking, but it’s a case of a fish going back to a pond after having swum in an ocean. They broke things off with this target before and will be reminded of this person’s numerous perceived flaws in a very short period of time. As such, they’ll start to look for a new target almost immediately, and only put in whatever effort is needed to get their own needs met in a familiar, comfortable environment, and will discard and run off again as soon as they find a more appealing victim to hook into.