If your spouse disrespects you, make these 10 changes in your marriage

10 Ways To Handle Disrespect From Your Spouse

A man and a woman are facing each other with their foreheads touching, both yelling aggressively. The man is wearing a dark green shirt, and the woman is wearing a bright pink sweater. The background is plain white.

Disrespectful behavior is not something you should expect to simply tolerate in your marriage. While it’s common, and to some extent normal, for partners to lash out at one another from time to time, if your partner shows you disrespect in various ways on a regular basis, it’s time you did something about it. Here are some things you should do now.

1. Communicate your deal breakers.

A man and a woman sit on a gray couch in a cozy living room with large windows. The man, wearing a pink shirt and glasses, is engaged in conversation with the woman, who is holding a notebook and wearing a green shirt. They appear relaxed and focused.

You might feel disrespected by your partner and that they are deliberately doing things to irritate and upset you. But have you ever actually told them where your boundaries lie?

Often, we assume that our partner knows what our triggers are and what lines not to cross, but unless you’ve made those boundaries clear to them, they might not fully understand.

Have a conversation with your partner about what your deal breakers are – different actions that always make you feel undermined and disrespected in your relationship.

Make it clear to them how and why you feel disrespected when they do certain things like talk over you or keep turning up late.

If you’ve communicated what your deal breakers are, the ball is in your partner’s court. Start to notice if they deliberately choose to cross the lines where they know you feel uncomfortable. Then you’ll see just how committed they are, or not, to making this relationship work.

2. Show your spouse there are repercussions for their behavior.

A woman with long dark hair is sitting on a couch, engaged in a conversation with a man who has short brown hair and a beard. She is gesturing with her hands, while the man listens intently. They are in a room with a white brick wall and a wooden shelving unit.

If you only give empty threats for your spouse’s bad behavior, then they will never respect your authority or boundaries.

Like a child that knows it will never be put on the naughty step, even when you say they will, your spouse’s behavior won’t change if they know there’s never any repercussions for it.

If your spouse pushes one of your boundaries, there has to be some kind of consequence for it. If you tell them you’ll leave or you expect an apology from them, then you need to have the confidence to follow through with it.

The more you ignore the situation, the more comfortable your partner will become with disrespecting you and their behavior will never change.

3. Seek professional counseling.

A close-up of a therapist's hands holding a pen and notepad, gesturing while speaking. In the background, a couple sits on a couch, attentively listening with their hands placed on their laps. The setting appears to be a counseling or therapy session.

Some issues run deep, and whilst most things can be worked on as a couple, you might find a healthy resolution sooner and more easily with the help of an experienced and neutral third party.

Persistent disrespect is one of those issues that can be difficult to talk about without one partner feeling attacked and the other feeling like they can’t be completely honest.

That’s why having someone else join the conversation can help to ease the tension and allow you both to discuss all the relevant issues openly.

A relationship expert will have the experience you don’t in fixing marriages that are struggling. They will have training in how to identify problems and offer guidance to improve the situation.

As the spouse being disrespected, you might wish to speak to someone by yourself initially, just to get the situation clear in your head and to learn what your different options are.

Or you might wish to go straight for couples counseling. This is a good option if you feel your spouse is the type of person who would get upset to learn that you have been speaking to someone about them and your relationship behind their back.

Of course, they might not agree to go with you, in which case you can say that you’ll go by yourself.

4. Don’t jump to conclusions.

A man and woman are sitting on a couch having a discussion. The woman, with curly hair and wearing a yellow top, has an animated expression with her hands gesturing. The man, with short hair and wearing a green shirt, is facing her and seemingly responding.

We’ve all been guilty at one time or another of jumping to conclusions about our partner.

It might be that bad past experiences have made you more sensitive to situations where you could get hurt, and so you have your defenses up. If so, try not to think the worst of your partner before you have proof they did wrong.

You may think that your partner is being deliberately disrespectful, perhaps turning up late or not listening to you, but it could be that they have a genuine excuse or their actions are unintentional.

Try speaking to them before you react, to see if they are stressed or tired, or if there are any other reasonable excuses for them acting out of character.

They may not realize the affect their actions are having on you and would be mortified to hear it.

Rather than go straight in for an argument, try talking to them about when and why you felt they were being disrespectful, and see if they are open to making a change.

5. Take some time for yourself.

A woman in a white sweater is sitting on a bicycle along a pathway with a white fence and green trees in the background. She is smiling and resting her chin on her hand, with a wicker basket attached to the front of the bicycle.

If you feel as though a lack of respect from your partner has been an ongoing issue in your relationship, it might be worth taking some time for yourself away from them.

When you have time away on your own, it’s a chance to think clearly, re-evaluate your relationship, and consider how happy you really are.

Emotions are heightened when you are always around each other, so by giving yourself a chance to tap into how you’re feeling away from your spouse’s presence, you can find a more balanced outlook on the situation.

Think about what specific actions you find disrespectful and whether you think their behavior is deliberate, or if they’re oblivious to the hurt they’re causing you.

Think over any conversations you’ve had about how you feel and your partner’s reaction. Have you noticed any positive changes since you spoke to them about their behavior?

Getting some time away to assess your own feelings without pressure or distraction, you might find that you feel more positive about your relationship now you’ve had a chance to think rationally.

Alternatively, you might not even miss them which says all you needed to know right there.

6. Don’t copy their behavior.

A man and a woman are having a heated argument indoors. The man, with a distressed expression, gestures with one hand on his chest. The woman, appearing angry, is speaking emphatically with her mouth open, her hands gesturing animatedly. They are seated near a large window.

Attack might be your natural form of defense when you’re feeling hurt, but just because your partner is being disrespectful, it doesn’t mean you should copy their behavior and lower yourself to their level.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, and as tempting as it might be to do the same back to your partner and make them feel how you do, deliberately disrespecting and hurting them to prove your point will only complicate the situation and lose you the moral high ground.

Hurting someone because they hurt you first is not the answer, and you can’t build a happy relationship that way. If you’re acting just as badly as they are, even to prove a point, why should they see a reason to change?

As difficult as it is not to retaliate, try not to copy their behavior if they are being disrespectful. Instead, focus on setting an example of how you expect to be treated.

If you’re becoming as bad as them to prove a point, any discussion about how to move on and not repeat this type of behavior can’t be taken seriously.

It will be hard and frustrating to turn the other cheek and not bite back if they’re showing you disrespect, but they’re more likely to listen to you if you can do it and show them a reason to change.

7. Understand if there is a pattern to their behavior.

A man and woman stand back to back with arms crossed, looking away from each other. The background shows a waterfront with a bridge and buildings under a warm, late-afternoon light. Both appear to be deep in thought or upset.

Has a one-off situation gotten out of hand, or is your partner being disrespectful toward you on a regular basis?

If you’re not sure, try to think back to the times when this behavior has been an issue and see if there is any pattern that links them.

Does it only happen when you do something specific? Does it always happen at a time when your partner is stressed or tired, and do they need to work on handling their emotions better?

If it’s a one-time incident, you could have just caught your partner on a bad day. It’s no excuse to be rude to someone you love, but if they’re sorry for it, have apologized to you, and don’t do it again, you shouldn’t worry too much about disrespect being an issue in your relationship.

If however, your partner not showing you respect is a common problem and they aren’t showing any signs of changing, then this is a cause for concern.

Even if there is a pattern to their actions and you think you’ve found a solution to try to combat their negative behavior, unless they are willing to change because they see a problem in their behavior for themselves, they never will.

8. Stand up for yourself.

A man and a woman are outdoors in a park, engaged in a serious conversation. The woman, with long brown hair, is pointing her finger at the man while making an expressive face. The man, with short curly hair, is holding her wrist, looking at her intently.

If you feel as though your spouse is being disrespectful toward you, then let them know it!

No one enjoys confrontation with their other half, but if you manage to remain calm and collected when you face them, you’ll be able to get your point across more clearly. And you’ll be taken seriously if you’re not overly emotional and starting a screaming match.

Standing up for yourself is vital if you want to have your spouse’s respect. If you shy away from calling them out on their misbehavior, there is no consequence to their actions.

Telling them then and there that you feel they are being disrespectful puts them on the spot and tells them exactly where your boundaries are and when they’re crossing them.

If you submit to their bullying, the situation will only get worse. People who are assertive and sure of themselves command respect, so don’t be afraid to remind your spouse of the respect you deserve.

Caveat: if your partner is physically abusive or you don’t feel safe when they are angry or upset, you should avoid antagonizing them. Instead, you ought to leave that toxic relationship as soon as you are able to in a safe way.

9. Try being nice to each other.

A man and woman stand by a calm body of water under a cloudy sky. The woman has curly hair and is wearing a striped shirt, while the man has short hair and is wearing a denim shirt. They are smiling at each other and appear to be enjoying a conversation.

When you’re upset with your partner, it’s hard to not let it influence your relationship. If you feel as though they aren’t giving you the respect or attention you deserve, you’ll naturally pull away from them and become more guarded around them. You’ll stop being as affectionate or spending quality time with them while the situation is tense.

It can be hard to get out of ruts like these and being distant and irritable with each other can often spark bigger arguments.

Despite how you feel, sometimes it’s better to lead by example and combat the issue with kindness.

If you feel as though you and your partner always bring each other down, try building them up when there is the opportunity by showing physical affection or giving them a compliment.

One kind act can spark another, and you might find that by bringing more positivity into your relationship, your partner will begin to do the same back to you.

Try to fill your relationship with positive, loving energy, and not let the negative moments overwhelm you both. There will be bumps in the road, but you’ll be able to tackle them much better as a team and find it easier to discuss sensitive topics between you if you feel secure in your relationship.

Just don’t allow your kindness to be mistaken for weakness. You are not a doormat, nor should you accept poor treatment.

If your partner’s behavior doesn’t change when you make the effort to be nice, the final option might be your only choice…

10. If all else fails, leave.

A man with a beard and tattoos, dressed in a beige t-shirt, is taking off his wedding ring while looking away with a concerned expression. He stands in front of a bed where a woman with long brown hair, dressed in white, sits with a sad expression.

It’s not what you want to hear, but sometimes the best choices for us aren’t easy ones to make.

Respect is essential for a healthy, happy relationship. You and your spouse are equals in your relationship, and if the power balance is off then it’s not going to work.

To be loved, you have to be respected. If you don’t feel that your partner respects you, then you have to question how much they truly care about you.

Are they just in this relationship to control you? How happy are you really? Your relationship should bring out the best in both of you, not stifle one of you for the happiness of the other.

If you aren’t being loved and respected in the way you deserve, this relationship just isn’t the right fit for you.

There will be someone out there who treats you how you should be treated, but first you have to start believing in yourself again and the respect you deserve.

Start by showing yourself some self-respect and walk away from this toxic relationship. Take back some ownership over how you want to live your life.