How To Spot Hysterical Bonding (And What Does It Even Mean?)

Have you heard of hysterical bonding?

Have you ever been cheated on by a partner only to become even more attracted to them? Or perhaps a friend or loved one has confided in you about feeling this way. It’s called hysterical bonding, and surprisingly, it’s not uncommon.

You have confusing feelings for your partner after the affair, but besides anger, there is a newfound desire. You feel the need to hold onto them, in both the metaphorical and physical sense. So, you sleep with them and improve your intimate life in order to make them stay.

However, this can become unhealthy, particularly if you still have a lot of anger toward your partner and you’re not working through it.

So what are the other signs of hysterical bonding?

1. You wonder about the specifics of the affair.

A woman with long blonde hair, wearing a red blazer, sits at an outdoor café table with a cup of coffee. She holds her head in her hand, appearing distressed. Another person, partially visible, sits across from her, also with a cup of coffee. Trees are in the background.

A natural reaction to cheating is that you find yourself thinking about the affair and wanting to know the details of the infidelity. This is also how hysterical bonding can start.

Do you really want to know though? It is much more important to know whether you are willing to forgive your partner or not. Will finding out the details affect your decision? In which way? Are you sure that’s what you want?

For your own peace of mind, if you want to put this whole thing behind you with or without a partner in your future, it would be best to picture the affair less vividly. You can’t really forget what has happened, but do you really want to know exactly how it happened?

By knowing all the specifics of the affair, it will actually be more difficult to forget it and move forward in your relationship if that’s what you desire.

2. You are full of self-doubt regarding your worth.

A woman with long, wavy hair and a white shirt leans on a pillow, looking pensive and worried. She gazes into the distance, her expression showing concern. Soft lighting fills the room, creating a calm yet somber atmosphere.

You didn’t do anything to deserve to be cheated on, but the affair can make you doubt your self-worth. Your partner chose someone else, and you want to know why. What do they have that you don’t?

Don’t torture yourself with this type of question.

Your partner chose someone else because they felt attracted to them; the way you feel about them now. There is no rule that says when and how this can and can’t happen. There’s only a rule that says you shouldn’t act upon these feelings if you are already in a relationship with someone else.

Your partner decided to break that rule, but it says nothing about your worth. You deserve better than to be treated that way, and you can improve any shortcomings while your partner can’t undo what they have done.

3. You are torn between wanting your partner and needing to let them go.

A woman sitting on a couch appears to be upset, looking away with a thoughtful expression, while a man leans over the back of the couch, gently touching her shoulder and appearing concerned. They are in a cozy living space with a staircase in the background.

Hysterical bonding makes you want your partner badly, but you still wish you could let them go and end things. Which feeling do you act upon?

The best way to decide this is to think about what will give you long-term happiness. Being physically intimate with your partner can bring you short-term satisfaction, but how will you feel afterward, and what is it that you want in the long run?

If you’re upset about the affair and you want your partner to be aware of that, you are not sending the right message by having incredible physical intimacy with them. Sure, this will reassure you that your partner didn’t look for someone else because there’s something wrong in the bedroom, but what about the other aspects of your relationship?

Having a purely physical connection can’t form a healthy relationship, and you shouldn’t confuse bedroom antics with intimacy and connection. What’s more, your partner probably didn’t only look to get their physical needs met when they cheated on you. Even if it was just the thrill and excitement of being with someone new, it wasn’t purely physical.

4. You are willing to forgive everything just to keep them around.

A couple is sitting on a couch in a cozy, modern living room. The man, with short brown hair and a beard, looks contemplatively at the camera, while the woman, with long dark hair, smiles and wraps her arms around him. There are books and plants in the background.

It would be okay if you want to forgive your partner for everything, but there would have to be something in it for you too. Your partner should make an effort to gain your trust, apologize, and work toward your forgiveness, not just have it handed to them.

If they aren’t willing to put effort into the relationship, why would you be, especially after they’ve cheated on you? Forgiving someone for an affair can be a good decision, and the relationship can become even stronger after the experience.

With hysterical bonding, though, you are the one who is fighting for the relationship even though it should be your partner.

5. You want to win them back.

A young woman kisses a smiling man on the cheek while taking a selfie outdoors. The man wears glasses and a white shirt, and the woman has long hair and hoop earrings. They are standing in front of a blurred background of a green lawn and a brick building.

If you want to win your partner back, you should ask yourself whether they want to win back your trust.

Your partner is the one who put your relationship at risk, so they should now be willing to work on fixing things and gaining your trust again. If you’re practically forcing them to stay with you, you are not doing yourself any favors.

You should be with someone who wants to be with you, and if you force your partner into staying, they are likely to cheat on you again if not leave you. Give them a chance again if you want to but only if they deserve it and your relationship has a chance of succeeding.

6. You feel the need to sleep with them.

A man and woman lie in bed together under grey blankets, both wearing white shirts. They face each other, the woman smiling softly while the man gazes at her. The background is dark blue with a nightstand visible. The atmosphere appears calm and intimate.

You might feel weirdly attracted to your partner after they have cheated on you and want to sleep with them.

This might be your urge to keep them around, prove yourself as better than the person they cheated with, or because they seem more desirable now that someone else was interested in them.

7. You feel desperate.

A woman with blonde hair wearing a mustard-colored shirt and a man with short hair and a white T-shirt sit across from each other at a table. They hold hands and gaze at each other, with sunlight streaming in from the window behind them.

You most likely won’t be overflowing with confidence when your partner cheats on you. It can damage your self-worth and make you feel a little desperate.

You might doubt yourself, your attractiveness, your potential as a partner. You might feel low and hope for things to go back to how they were before the infidelity.

You might feel more attracted to your partner as an unconscious way to avoid having to end the relationship and potentially meet a new partner at a later date. You just can’t imagine anyone wanting to be with you and so you try to hold on to the person who already is with you.

8. You use physical intimacy to get them back or feel like they’re yours.

A woman playfully holds the end of a man's tie while they smile at each other. Both are wearing white shirts, and they appear to be standing in a light-filled room with modern decor and a potted plant in the background.

Don’t use physical intimacy to get your partner back or “claim them” in some way after the affair. Even if it’s what you want to do now, think about things in the long run. Don’t sacrifice your long-term happiness for short-term pleasure.

You don’t need to prove yourself in the bedroom. If they have hurt you and you have negative and confusing feelings toward them, it might be best to wait a bit before getting intimate with them again.

9. You initiate physical intimacy more often and try new things in the bedroom.

A couple stands intimately close on a sunny day by a river, with city buildings and a bridge in the background. The woman, wearing a black leather jacket, gazes down while holding the man's chest. The man, in a black coat, leans in with a serious expression.

When you try to improve your intimate life, you will initiate more often and experiment in the bedroom. In a healthy relationship, there’s nothing wrong with this. But when it’s a way of getting your partner back or plotting some sort of revenge, it’s definitely not good for you.

You don’t have to put so much effort into keeping them around; they are supposed to be the one putting more effort into gaining your trust again. Don’t let them take you for granted by making their life a fairytale after they have cheated on you.

Why wouldn’t they do it again if you are going to reward them when they do? Remind yourself that the affair is not just about physical intimacy and that there are probably other aspects of your relationship that need improvement.

10. You intimate life is better than it was.

A man playfully touches a woman’s chin as she holds a cup of coffee and smiles at him. They are sitting on a bed with a breakfast tray in front of them that includes croissants and fruit. The room is bright and cozy with white walls and a plant in the background.

Obviously, when you are more attracted to your partner than usual, the physical intimacy will be better, especially if you make an effort to improve this area of your life. This could make it seem like everything is right and well with the world again, but the feeling won’t last for long.

In addition, it will influence you, and your already confused feelings will become even more confusing. This is why it’s best to take some time to process your feelings before sleeping with your partner after the affair. You should be clear about whether you want to pursue the relationship further or not before sleeping with them.

11. You are reminded of the infidelity afterward intimacy.

A man with a beard and tattoos, dressed in a beige t-shirt, is taking off his wedding ring while looking away with a concerned expression. He stands in front of a bed where a woman with long brown hair, dressed in white, sits with a sad expression.

Even though the physical intimacy can be great, the feeling after it can be terrible if you’re tortured by guilt and you don’t think it was the right decision to be inimtate in the first place.

A sign of hysterical bonding is when you sleep with your partner even though it doesn’t feel right, and you feel bad afterward because you’re reminded of the affair.

Even if you want to put the affair behind you, it’s not going to be easy, and hysterical bonding is likely to make things worse, not better.