10 Reasons Why Your Partner Drags Up The Past In Arguments

Why do they keep bringing up the past?

A woman sits on the edge of a bed, looking distressed and holding her head with her hand. In the background, a man sits on the bed, facing away from her. The room has a large, black accent wall, a white lamp, and a potted plant by the window.

Mentioning something from the past is an all-too-common tactic people use when arguing with their partner. But why do they do it? Let’s explore the 10 most common reasons a person might open the closet and pull out a few skeletons.

1. They are using it as ammunition.

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Past wrongdoings might be used to hurt your partner, particularly if you feel you are ‘losing’ the current argument.

If you are on the defensive or have nowhere else to go with your reasoning, you may resort to bringing up something they did with which to attack them with.

2. They are trying to justify or minimize something they have done.

A man in a suit and sunglasses gestures with his hands open, seemingly in conversation with a woman in a floral dress and sunglasses. The woman stands with arms crossed, looking away. They are in an urban setting with people walking in the background.

Perhaps you are the one to have put a foot wrong this time. You might have done or said something to upset your partner.

But rather than own up to that, take responsibility, and accept that you have made a mistake, you try to compare it to the mistake they made previously which you see as bigger.

It’s the old “Yeah, well you did such and such, so don’t go lecturing me!” approach to dodging the blame on this occasion.

3. It’s a diversionary tactic to avoid discussing the matter at hand.

A woman and a man sit on white chairs, facing away from the camera and looking out of a large window. Sunlight streams in, illuminating their backs. Tall trees are visible through the window. Both wear casual clothing. The scene has a tranquil, contemplative atmosphere.

If there is some topic that you don’t want to discuss, something that you are uncomfortable talking about or where you know there is a major difference in opinion, you might bring up the past to avoid discussing it.

By going over old ground, you can put the original conversation off until another time, or in the hope that your partner doesn’t raise it again.

4. They want revenge for the hurt their partner is causing them.

A woman in a yellow shirt and a man in a black and white checkered shirt are having a heated argument in a modern kitchen. The woman is gesturing with her hands while the man has his hands raised in explanation. The kitchen has a green curtain and modern decor.

Maybe your partner is saying some things that really hit you hard. You are genuinely hurt by their comments.

So you drag up things from the past to get your own back on them and cause them hurt to match that which you are feeling.

5. They want to shame their partner into changing.

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If something your partner previously did still weighs heavily on your mind, you might keep raising the issue with them in the hope that it will shame them into not doing it again.

In effect, you are trying to get them to change by not letting them forget it.

The problem is, shame is not the best motivator. All it tends to do is make your partner feel lousy and not really want to put in the effort required to make that change.

6. The issue was never fully resolved.

A woman in an orange dress and a man in a denim shirt sit back to back on a couch, looking upset. Two children sit on another couch in the background, focusing on a tablet. The room has wooden floors and natural light from large windows.

When you get closure on something, you tend not to bring it back up again. Or, if you do, it’s not in an emotional way.

The fact that you are raising the past means the issue was probably left unresolved, at least in your eyes.

Or maybe you had the discussions required to address the issue in a practical sense, but you still haven’t healed the emotional wound.

7. They are trying too hard to fix the problem.

A man and woman are sitting on a gray couch in a modern living room, having an animated conversation. Both have raised hands and expressive gestures, indicating a heated discussion. The woman holds a tissue, and both appear emotionally engaged.

Sometimes your intentions aren’t bad when you rake up old problems. It might be that you want to fix that problem and you think that by talking about it, you are helping do that.

But some problems can’t be fixed. All they can be is acknowledged. And as much as you try to fix them, by mentioning them again and again, all you are doing is reminding your partner of that issue.

8. They want to push their partner away to get some space and time.

A woman sits on a couch in a distressed and thoughtful pose, resting her forehead on her hand. In the background, a man is standing and yelling angrily, gesturing with his right hand. They are in a room with large window panels and dark curtains.

There are times in every relationship where one or both partners need some space and time to themselves. That’s natural.

But rather than just communicate that with your partner, you drag up the past to force a wedge between you in the hope that they then leave you be for a while.

9. They want to force the end of the relationship.

A close-up image of two people sitting on a couch with their arms crossed. The person on the left wears a light blue shirt and green pants. The person on the right wears a light pink sweater and blue jeans. Both appear to be in a tense or uncomfortable posture.

Perhaps you have had enough with your partner and you want to break up with them. Or maybe you are just very anxious or have commitment issues that mean you feel compelled to run away.

Either way, by bringing up the past, you are hoping to steer the relationship to breaking point. It is a way to get your partner to break up with you if you can’t face doing it yourself.

10. There is a pattern of repeated behavior.

There are times when bringing up the past in arguments is valid. That is when your partner displays a pattern of behavior that is not acceptable or desirable and that isn’t getting better.

In this case, you are raising the issue again because you need them to know that their continuation of this behavior has to end.