If You Want To Communicate With Your Partner Without Fighting, Do These 12 Things

Do these things to avoid fighting in your relationship.

A woman and a man sit on a gray couch by a window. The woman, wearing a gray sweater and blue jeans, looks away, appearing unhappy. The man, in a plaid shirt and jeans, leans towards her, his arm around her shoulders, and attempts to comfort her. A red notebook and smartphone are on the couch beside them.

The key difference between fighting and communicating is that in a fight, someone’s trying to come out as the winner. In contrast, when two people are communicating, they’re working together to gain an understanding of one another’s point of view, rather than one coming out as the victor.

Quite often when people fight, they don’t actually listen to what the other person is saying. Rather than attempting to understand their perspective, they simply want to get their points across and don’t really care what the other is thinking or feeling.

They’re not listening: they’re either waiting for their turn to speak or not even waiting—just talking (or yelling) over the other at increasing volume, getting more belligerent and abusive by the minute.

The tips that follow may be helpful for you to learn how to communicate better without fighting or arguing. Each can be adapted to suit individual circumstances as well as personal preferences.

1. Stay in the present moment.

A man and a woman sit on a kitchen counter, both holding coffee mugs. The man has a beard and a bun, wearing a denim shirt, and the woman has long hair, wearing a white sweater. They are engaged in conversation with a warmly lit, rustic kitchen in the background.

If you and your partner are having a conflict, then only address the issues that are unfolding in the moment. Bringing up past mistakes is one of the worst things either of you can do, as that adds unnecessary fuel to the current fire. Additionally, there’s no need to bring up past issues, especially if they’ve been resolved already.

Some people bring up past issues if and when they either want to put the other person on the defensive or to cause emotional damage. If both partners are trying to gain the high ground and “win” in a difficult situation, one of them might take a low blow and bring up something awful the other one did in the past.

They might also do this in order to deflect from their own wrongdoing and place attention back on the one who’s angry.

For example, if one partner is upset with the other for forgetting to do something important or for not doing their share of the household chores, the one who dropped the ball might respond with, “I guess you wish you’d stayed with the person you cheated on me with since they wouldn’t screw up like I did, huh?”

That infidelity might have happened a decade or more prior, and had long been resolved, but may still be a sore point between them. Bringing it up only serves to injure the one who transgressed, while giving the illusion that the one who was cheated on has the right to feel smugly superior forever. Even though they’re the one who screwed up this time, they still claim the moral high ground because they wouldn’t do that.

2. Face issues before they build up.

A woman and a man are sitting on stools at a kitchen counter, facing each other and having a conversation. The kitchen has a minimalist design with white walls and shelves in the background. Both individuals are wearing casual clothing.

People often avoid talking about things because of the potential discomfort that may ensue. Alternatively, they may hold off from bringing them up because they think that they’re somehow overreacting or their emotions will be invalidated.

These unexpressed, unresolved emotions can build up over time, becoming bigger and far more resentful without ever being vented. If you’ve ever seen a “contents under pressure” label on a can, that would be an appropriate descriptor here.

Eventually, the person feeling these emotions will snap, and all that anger and resentment will burst out of them like whipped cream from a punctured aerosol can.

This is why it’s so important to address issues while they’re still small and manageable. By doing so, you’ll avoid all manner of fights and potentially hurt feelings later on.

3. Use “I feel” language rather than being accusatory.

A man and a woman are sitting on a couch in a well-lit living room. Both are wearing denim outfits. They are engaged in a lively conversation, with the man gesturing and the woman placing a hand on her chest. There's a plant and a large window in the background.

When we’re having a discussion or argument with another person and we feel upset or hurt by what’s being discussed, we may feel as though the other person is causing us to feel this way.

For example, if your partner has gotten upset with you for continuing to leave dirty dishes in the sink, you might think that they’re making you feel like you’re somehow unhygienic or not a good enough housekeeper.

When and if you’re having an argument, try to phrase your expressions and responses to reflect how you feel, rather than accusing them of making you feel a certain way. Furthermore, explain your stance on why you feel the way you do.

For example:

I feel like a bad housekeeper when you criticize my dish-washing habits. I recognize that you don’t like to go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, but when I get home from work at 9pm, I’m too exhausted to do any cleaning. I prefer to do the washing up in the morning when I’ve had my energy bank refueled.

When we get accusatory toward others, they often feel attacked. In turn, this causes them to go on the defensive, and they won’t truly hear what you’re trying to get across. By explaining how you feel, you’re not making the other person responsible for your emotional responses; you’re simply telling them what your inner dialog is in reference to the situation.

Since they won’t feel attacked, they’ll be more open to hearing what you’re saying. You can also turn it around and ask them to express how they feel so you can better understand their perspective. From there, you can find a compromise that will work well for both of you.

4. Recognize where things are really stemming from.

A man and a woman sit on a couch indoors, both appearing upset. The man, looking at his phone, has a neutral expression, while the woman looks down with her arms crossed, seeming distressed. The background includes a white brick wall and a coffee table in front of them.

We often lash out at those who are closest to us when we’re feeling stressed or out of sorts. This is especially true if we feel safe with them and know that they love and accept us unconditionally.

Problems arise, however, when we either use our partner as an emotional punching bag to let out steam or lash out at them when they haven’t said or done anything wrong. This often happens when a person is dealing with some kind of inner conflict and either doesn’t recognize exactly what’s going on inside them or doesn’t know how to express it.

I once had a partner who called me over to cuddle up with him one evening and then promptly snapped at me to shut up and leave him alone as soon as I had settled in. Naturally, I got up to leave because I had done nothing to elicit that response, at which point he got upset and asked me to stay.

It wasn’t until the next day that he was able to explain to me that he’d been feeling emotionally overwhelmed, overstimulated, and conflicted between wanting my company and wanting solitude.

In the moment, however, he had been unable to express himself clearly and exploded in a way that made him feel ashamed afterward.

These types of outbursts and meltdowns happen frequently when neurodivergent people go into full-on overwhelm mode, but it can happen to anyone—especially when stressed or sleep deprived.

If you find that you feel this way often, come up with a word, phrase, or even hand gesture that you and your partner will recognize, and use that as a signal that everything is, “Omg, too much.”

Create a protocol on how to handle these big feelings and put that protocol into action whenever this situation happens. During this protocol, try to avoid saying anything that you might regret later. Words spoken in anger can never be taken back and may cause lasting damage.

Work on expressing your feelings when you feel calmer and more in control, rather than lashing out when and if you feel overwhelmed or overstimulated.

If your partner gets defensive when you tell them how you feel, it’s possible that they’re dealing with their own stormy emotions but have been tamping them down in order to keep the household running smoothly.

Many people shut down their own feelings for the sake of familial harmony and then get defensive and argumentative if and when their partner seems to have free rein to express themselves as they see fit.

5. Observe your language.

A man and a woman sit at a table, engaging in a lively conversation. The man, with a watch on his wrist, listens attentively with his chin resting on his hands, while the woman, wearing a yellow sweater, gestures animatedly. The background is a warm, mustard-yellow wall with shelves and plants.

The language we use while communicating can make a tremendous difference to the health of our relationships. Note that language isn’t limited to verbal expression; it also incorporates physical presence.

When it comes to the words we choose, we need to be careful about finding the middle ground between sincere expression and simply being mean. If you’re frustrated with your partner for forgetting to pay a bill again, calling them stupid or suggesting that their parents may have been siblings isn’t okay.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling frustration, but disrespecting and insulting them isn’t going to magically fix the situation. In fact, it’ll likely make it significantly worse.

Additionally, discussions can transform into fights due to non-verbal cues on both sides. For instance, what may start out as a rational exchange may explode into anger if your body language is perceived as being hostile or dismissive. One of you may subconsciously go into fight-or-flight mode if the other looms over intimidatingly or narrows their eyes threateningly.

Alternatively, someone may feel that they aren’t being listened to if the other crosses their arms and avoids eye contact. Body language like that is closed off rather than open and receiving.

It says that the person isn’t interested in hearing what’s being said, but is disassociating and waiting for this to be over instead. This is often accompanied by dismissive, pandering responses that imply agreement, such as, “Sure, whatever.”

They’ll say or do whatever’s needed to end this and move on. As you can imagine, encountering behavior like this on either side isn’t going to be productive. If you see this happen, consider regrouping after you’ve both calmed down and try to discuss things as the partners you are, rather than as enemies at odds with one another.

6. Choose to consciously break recurring patterns.

A man and a woman are sitting on a red sofa in a well-lit living room. The man, wearing glasses and a white shirt, has his arm around the woman, who is wearing a yellow top. They appear to be engaged in a serious conversation. A coffee table and plants are visible.

Are you familiar with ant mills? They’re also known as “death spirals,” and they occur when ants get caught in a pheromone loop and keep circling around and around on it until they eventually die of exhaustion. Circular arguments between partners can end up being quite similar, although hopefully without wearing each other down to eventual demise.

In essence, the argument will spin around because it keeps propelling itself. For example, partner 1 may express frustration that they have to do all the cooking. Partner 2 may offer to help out, but since they don’t know how to cook, that doesn’t really help the matter.

Meanwhile, partner 1 doesn’t have the time to teach partner 2 the skills they’d need in order to offer real help… and then partner 1 complains that they don’t get any help in the kitchen.

As you can imagine, this can be immensely difficult for people to negotiate their way out of.

When and if you get stuck in circular argument land, you could roll around and around for hours, getting more upset by the minute without resolving anything. In the same way that ant mills can only be broken if something interrupts the pheromone circle, a circular argument needs something to break the spin.

While urinating on an ant mill is an effective way of disrupting the pheromone loop and breaking that particular spiral, we don’t recommend using that technique for your argument. Instead, work with your partner instead of feeling as though they’re your opponent. This is your other half; the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with—not your enemy.

Agree that you’re not getting anywhere with this type of argument and decide as a team to close the chapter on it and move on. Once again, this isn’t a situation where anyone “wins” or “loses,” but both come to as much of an understanding as possible while recognizing that this is the only type of resolution that can be had. Then leave this issue in the past and don’t bring it up again.

With the example mentioned above, the partners could find a middle ground. Maybe they do takeout a couple of times a week, partner 2 could teach themselves basic cooking techniques via online tutorials, or the two partners could work on making easy-to-prepare dishes together until their skills improve.

7. Be specific about expressing your needs.

Two people are sitting in a modern living room. A woman in a yellow sweater and ripped jeans sits on the floor, leaning against a gray couch, while a man in a red sweater and jeans lounges on the couch, looking at his phone. They appear to be in a conversation.

Although it may seem as though our partners can read our minds, they don’t always know exactly what we’re thinking. This is especially true when and if they’re dealing with their own issues and may not be as attuned to whatever it is we’re going through.

As such, we need to learn how to express our needs clearly so our partner doesn’t have to try to decipher what we’re actually saying through a veil of emotion and/or anger.

For example, you might be feeling neglected because your partner hasn’t been affectionate or intimately inclined toward you lately. As such, you might accuse them of no longer finding you attractive, or you may inform them that they never spend any time with you anymore.

Neither of these statements are true, but your approach is aggressive and accusatory instead of clearly expressive and inquisitive.

Instead, choose a time where you have one another’s attention and you won’t be intruded upon. Then, let your partner know that you miss spending time with them and feel like you haven’t had proper alone time together for a while.

Furthermore, don’t leave the onus on them to make the change happen. Instead, ask them if there have been things weighing on them or if there’s a way you can work together so you can have proper quality time together.

You may discover that they’ve been struggling with personal issues that they didn’t want to inflict upon you, or they might be having physical problems that were embarrassing to them.

By working together, you reinforce the fact that you are one another’s support pillars and can face anything together. Then you can discuss how you can both help to fulfill each other’s needs.

We can’t expect people to “just know” what it is we’re feeling or trying to say. Miscommunication is one of the biggest causes of fights and arguments in relationships, so try to be as articulate as possible. This will help you avoid disappointment or resentment and will keep cementing the fact that you two are a solid team, rather than roommates.

On a similar note:

8. Ensure that you recognize each other’s efforts, especially during difficult times.

A man and a woman sit on a couch in a bright living room, smiling and holding hands. They appear to be engaged in a cheerful conversation. The room has white walls, a floor lamp, and large windows allowing natural light to fill the space.

Life can get messy and stressful, and it’s easy to fall into unhealthy behavioral patterns during difficult periods. This might involve dealing with an illness in the family, financial concerns, custody issues with exes, or any other number of issues that life can throw at us.

As a result, we may end up taking our partners for granted. Furthermore, instead of appreciating everything they do for us 167 hours out of the week, we’ll fixate upon that one hour in which they either fell short of the mark or did something to upset us.

Suddenly we feel overwhelmed and resentful and behave as though they weren’t absolutely amazing all the time except for that one fleeting moment.

Should you experience a wave of upset because you felt that something went wrong, take a breath and try to gain some perspective. How much does this person do regularly? How well do they treat you? And when was the last time you thanked them sincerely for it?

Make your appreciation known, and never take one another for granted.

9. Analyze what it is you’re fighting about, and why.

A woman with long blonde hair sits on the edge of a bed, resting her head on her hand, looking pensive. In the background, a man with a beard sits further back on the bed, looking away. The room is softly lit, with a neutral color scheme.

One of the best ways to stop the cycle of fighting is to be wholly honest with yourself about why you keep arguing. As such, consider asking yourself the following questions:

— How important is this issue?

— Do you really feel strongly about it?

— Is this issue worth the drama and stress of fighting about it?

Many people pick fights over the most insignificant things and, when pressed, can’t justify why they chose to argue about it. I’ve seen full-on screaming matches between couples over which way to place a toilet paper roll, as though that’s an issue that actually deserves that level of emotional engagement.

If the issues you find yourselves fighting about are really that important to you, then it’s best to find neutral ways to resolve them with care and respect. There are few things in the world worth actually fighting over.

Think about it this way: if the unthinkable were to happen and your partner would no longer be with you tomorrow, how important would this argument be? If you think you’d feel satisfied that you addressed a life-or-death issue, then so be it. Alternatively, if you’d feel regret about making a mountain out of a molehill, take some time to determine why you’re so up in arms about it.

Take note that certain life circumstances and personal changes can strongly influence how we respond to things. Health concerns, such as lack of sleep, stress, and midlife hormonal fluctuations, can make us far more anxious, angry, and ill-tempered than usual.

Address underlying causes as well as you can. If you find that you can’t determine where these issues are coming from, consider booking some time with your healthcare provider or a good therapist to help you get to the root of the issue.

10. Discuss issues when you’re calm, rather than in the heat of the moment.

A woman with light brown hair tied back is sitting and smiling at a man who is facing away from the camera. She is holding a white mug with both hands and wearing a beige cardigan over a grey shirt. They appear to be in a relaxed, comfortable conversation.

When you think of things you’ve blurted out in anger and wish that you could take back, do you remember the circumstances in which they arose? Chances are high that you ran your mouth off when you were seeing red—or when you assumed things—and reacted by lashing out instead of analyzing the entire situation and responding calmly.

This is why it’s so important to take a break to release the energy that’s built up so you don’t explode. It’s often difficult to communicate when you’re angry, as things may come out in an extreme, unfocused fashion that can make everything so much worse.

Go for a walk or a run, retreat somewhere and have a good cry, maybe dig a hole in the garden and scream into it—whatever works for you to release that built-up emotion. I guarantee you’ll feel calmer after doing so. Once you’ve both cooled down, you’ll be able to discuss things without potentially damaging one another.

11. Write it out.

A man with brown hair and a beard sits at a wooden table by a window, writing in a notebook. He is wearing a gray shirt. A glass of a dark beverage sits on the table, along with other items like books, a bread roll, and various kitchenware in the background.

If you’re incapable of discussing things verbally without shouting or getting animated about the issue, then write it out instead. You can do this with pen and paper if your handwriting is legible, or consider writing your partner an email. Believe it or not, if you find it difficult to talk to your partner about your feelings, writing them out can make things a lot easier.

This is because we’re generally better at articulating how we feel when we write things out than when we try to express them verbally, especially when upset. Some people stutter or feel at a loss for words when arguing, which makes them feel embarrassed and makes the situation even more volatile.

Others may not deal with conflict well and will either go mute or simply cry in the face of any kind of misunderstanding.

By retreating and writing things out, there’s time to consider how you feel. Plus there’s plenty of opportunity to edit before sending. All of us have said things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back. As such, writing things down and proofreading your thoughts before sending can do a world of good for communicating with one another.

It can also be beneficial to write down everything you’re thinking and feeling in order to exorcise the frustration or anger you’re feeling. Instead of blurting negativity at the one you love, write it out in great, scathing detail so you’re physically working it out of your body.

Just be sure to either lock this away somewhere it’ll never be found or destroy it. Many people have experienced great hardship and heartbreak when and if their partner found the incendiary things they’d written when upset.

12. Remember who you’re with, and why.

A man and a woman enjoying glasses of red wine outdoors. They are standing close to each other, smiling and making eye contact. The setting appears to be a sunny day with trees and a building in the background. Both are dressed casually.

When you think about your partner, what are the first emotions that arise?

Do you think of them fondly? Or with irritation and resentment?

Does it feel like your anger is simmering just below the surface at all times and it would take only the slightest misstep on their part for you to go full Oppenheimer?

If you feel more anger and resentment than love and appreciation, then it’s likely that your relationship has changed. You may still care about this person, but attraction has waned over time and traits that were once endearing now enrage you. In fact, it’s possible that you’re picking fights with one another because you both feel this way but neither of you wants to acknowledge or deal with that.

This goes back to the tip we mentioned earlier about acknowledging where the fights are really stemming from. Do you honestly care whether the bath towels are folded lengthwise rather than crosswise? Or are you simply using that as an excuse to vent your frustration at a situation you no longer want to be in?

When a relationship starts to fall apart, minor arguments erupt because you want to express yourself but you feel like you can’t.

Kvetching about the dishes not being stacked correctly in the dishwasher is “safer” and less potentially damaging than saying that you aren’t attracted to your partner anymore and that you’re too annoyed by the sound of their voice to want to spend time with them.

People change over time, and so do relationships. It’s possible that after several years together, you still love to go out to concerts or socialize with friends, but your partner would rather sit quietly at home and watch movies.

You two may have little in common anymore, and the spark may have died out ages ago, but you do still care about one another. Maybe you have kids or run a business together, and there are aspects of the relationship that you still find fulfilling.

Either way, instead of actively communicating with one another, you’re making passive-aggressive comments or getting upset that the other has the audacity to exist in the same room as you.

If you feel that the underlying reason for your fighting is that things have changed and you don’t know how to address said changes, focus on why you’re with this person.

Try and remember what brought you together in the first place, why you care about them, as well as all of their positive attributes. Then, decide whether you love and respect them enough to learn to communicate better in your relationship.