If You Can't Stop Oversharing, You're Making These 13 Mistakes

Is your oversharing causing problems?

Three women, all wearing sunglasses, sit at a table outdoors, laughing and talking. They have drinks in front of them, including iced coffee and water. The atmosphere is bright and relaxed, with blurred background figures adding to the busy cafe setting.

It’s becoming increasingly acceptable to share personal or private information with a wider audience. In an effort to connect with others, seek validation, gain acceptance, or whatever the reason might be, people are revealing sensitive information about their lives with virtual strangers on social media.

To a large extent, this has watered down people’s understanding of what is appropriate to share with friends, colleagues, acquaintances, or a wider faceless audience.

Whilst it’s important to be authentic and true to yourself, it’s equally as important to keep yourself safe by not sharing sensitive information with people who may not be trusthworthy. It’s also important to respect other people’s boundaries in terms of what they feel comfortable discussing.

If oversharing has become a problem for you, you’re likely making these mistakes, which can be avoided with a bit of effort.

1. You spend too much time on social media.

A woman with long brown hair is sitting on a couch in a modern living room. Wearing a white shirt and light-colored pants, she looks relaxed with one hand in her hair and the other holding a smartphone. Her expression is calm and content.

Social media can make it seem like oversharing is the “norm”. But social media is not real life.

Get off social media. At least for now. Stop posting. Stop viewing. Try to reconnect with your friends and family in real-time.

A short break from social media can open your eyes to how toxic the platforms can sometimes be. It will also help you stop making personal information available to anyone who stumbles across your profile.

But before you take your break, you may want to go over your profiles with a fine-tooth comb to scrub clean all the potentially damaging or identifying information that may be there.

While you’re there, set your profiles to private as well.

2. You hit “send” without pausing first.

A woman sits at a round white table, intently working on her laptop. She wears a white patterned blouse and rests her chin on her hand. Papers, a pen, and a smartphone lie on the table. In the background is a white wall with circular shelves holding books and plants.

Do you pause to consider the ramifications of your posts, emails or messages before you hit “send”? I’m guessing not.

When you want to post a picture or the latest update on your life, let it wait at least 24 hours in the draft section before you post it. This will give you time to rethink whether it’s beneficial for you to post or not.

If you’re on vacation, out to dinner, or engaged in some activity, giving yourself a break before posting allows you to at least leave the location before inviting everyone into your business.

If you wait for the designated time and you’re still not sure if you should post or not, ask a friend for their opinion on it.

Make sure it’s a friend who understands what you’re trying to do or someone who is not a fan of posting personal issues on social media.

3. You aren’t tackling unresolved trauma.

A woman wearing a red jacket sits at an outdoor table with a cup of coffee, holding her head as if she has a headache. Another person, slightly out of focus, sits across from her. The background shows trees and a park-like setting.

If your trauma keeps seeping out onto unsuspecting people, you need to address it and deal with it. As much as others may empathize with or feel sorry for you, they can’t help you find a lasting solution to your trauma. They don’t have the knowledge or skills to help you.

The only thing you’re succeeding in doing is making them feel uncomfortable and pushing them away.

Find a therapist or a support group to help you deal with the trauma you are struggling with. A licensed therapist will not disclose your information and will teach you skills to cope with your challenges.

Dumping your trauma on random people will only end up trivializing what you went through by turning it into a joke, as it makes its way through the rumor mill.

You deserve better than that.

4. You’re missing social cues.

Two women are in an outdoor setting with trees in the background. One woman in a red top stands in the background with arms raised, while the woman in the foreground, wearing a pink off-shoulder top, appears upset or uncomfortable, with her hand near her face.

Is the person you’re talking to looking away? Do they seem like they’re paying attention to what you’re saying? Have you been talking for a really long time? Are they angled toward you and openly facing you? Or do they look like they’re trying to make a quick getaway?

Conversations aren’t all about you. And if you think they are, it’s likely you’re missing a lot of to social cues.

Read the other person’s body language.

Don’t continue talking just because they’re too polite to change the conversation. Don’t hold them hostage because they don’t want to seem rude by simply walking away.

They are being considerate of you, so return the favor.

Stop talking and ask a question.

5. You aren’t considering your motivations for sharing.

Two women sitting on a couch. The woman on the left, wearing a yellow sweater, gently rests her hand on the arm of the woman on the right, who looks distressed, wearing a white sweater and holding her hands near her face. The woman on the left holds a pink mug.

Before you share a piece of sensitive information about yourself, do you question your motives for doing so? Probably not.

Are you trying to connect with the other person on a deeper level? Or are you just trying to garner their sympathy?

Is this information appropriate for the current stage of your relationship? Or are you trying to force intimacy and throw your relationship into warp speed?

Are you sharing an experience you went through so others can learn from your mistakes? Or are you looking for admiration or attention on the sly?

Don’t lie to yourself about your motivations. Because even if it’s possible for you to deceive yourself, you probably won’t fool your unwitting audience.

If your motivations for sharing are self-centered and focused solely on your wants and your needs, keep your comments to yourself.

Instead, find a journal and unload there. It won’t judge you, pull away, or reveal your secrets to anyone.

6. You are ignoring “The Front Page Rule”.

Two women in white dresses and straw hats sit on a sandy ground, holding iced drinks with straws. One has curly hair and the other has her hair in a braid. They are surrounded by greenery and look relaxed, possibly chatting.

Simply put, “The Front Page Rule” is that you never reveal anything you wouldn’t want to show up on the front page of the newspaper the very next day…or ever.

This rule is especially applicable when you’re in the beginning stages of a romantic or platonic relationship. But you can also apply it to relationships with people who haven’t proven that they are trustworthy.

So, if you don’t want the details of your credit card debt to be on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper, then don’t tell anyone about it.

If you’re having challenges in the bedroom with your partner but wouldn’t want all the residents in your neighborhood to read about it in the morning newspaper over coffee, don’t share that information with other people.

7. You’re drafting responses whilst others are still talking.

Two women sit in the open trunk of a car, smiling and holding glass bottles of soda. Both are wearing sunglasses; one has red hair and a plaid outfit, the other curly red hair and a black top. The mood is casual and cheerful.

How many times has someone been talking to you and before they completed their thought, you already knew where they were going and had drafted a response in your head?

The challenge with this style of communication is that while you’re drafting a response, you’re not actually listening to what they’re saying. You’ve assumed you know what they’re going to say and crafted a reply to that.

You’re not paying attention to what they’re actually saying.

Try listening with curiosity instead.

Don’t respond immediately. Rather, having let go of distractions and your physical or emotional reactions to what people are saying, take time to think about your response. Be conscious of the words you choose to speak.

Pay attention to how the other person reacts to what you’re saying by noticing their non-verbal cues.

When you are in a conversation with someone, be fully engaged in the discussion.

Put your phone away and give them your undivided attention.

Lastly, as much as possible, try to understand where they are coming from.

8. You’re not actively listening.

Two women sit at a wooden table in a cafe, engaging in an animated conversation. One woman has red hair and wears a white blazer, while the other has dark hair tied up and wears a black blazer. Each has a small cup of coffee in front of them beside a laptop.

If you are truly engaged in a conversation and have practiced your listening skills, the compulsion to unburden yourself onto the other person won’t creep up.

Active listening requires you to not just hear the words the other person is saying, but the message behind the words. Or how they’re saying it.

If you’re not doing these 5 things, you’re not actively listening:

– Put down your phone and listen to what the other person is saying and how they are saying it. Note their body language.

– Let the person speaking know you’re listening by nodding and making small verbal comments like “hmm,” or “uh huh,” or “yes.”

– Ask clarifying questions or rephrase what was said to ensure you’re both on the same page—”So, what you’re saying is…” or “…is that what you mean?”

– Don’t interrupt. Keep your questions until after the other person has finished their point.

– When you respond, do so in a way that is respectful and considerate of where you think the other person is coming from.

9. You’re stressed.

Three men are engaged in a conversation in a dimly lit setting with an exposed brick wall in the background. Two men in white and patterned button-down shirts are facing a man with dark hair, who is seen from behind. They appear animated and focused.

According to a study titled Daily Stress and Self-Control by Crystal L. Park et al., daily stressors and a lack of impulse control are related. The research revealed that stressful events often precede drops in self-control and drops in self-control precede stressful events.

It’s a vicious downward spiral.

If you have a hard time with self-control or holding yourself back from spilling the beans on your personal business, it could be the result of a high-stress level.

Are you under a lot of stress or pressure right now? Find a way to rest or relax so you can escape this spiral.

You might consider taking a nap just to give your brain a break from the downward cycle and a jolt of rest.

10. You’re not setting yourself a time limit.

Two women sit at a table with drinks in front of them; the woman on the left, in a gray sweater, looks pensive with her hand near her mouth, while the woman on the right, in a dark blazer, reacts with surprise or shock, her hand on her forehead.

For a lot of people an inbuilt “timer” will tell them when they’ve done their share of talking and it’s time to hand over, but as an oversharer, you probably don’t have this.

So give yourself a time limit for talking. If you’re on a date and you want to launch into a “really interesting” story about yourself, give yourself the time it takes for your date to eat a few bites of food or have a sip of wine (or their beverage of choice) to wrap up the story.

Then ask them a question. This will stop you from droning on and on and hogging the conversation. A time limit like this will also help remind you that the focus of the discussion is not you. It’s the other person.

11. You’re mixing with the wrong people.

Four friends sitting on a blanket in a park, engaging in a relaxed conversation. Three men and one woman are holding cups, likely enjoying hot beverages. They are casually dressed, with the men in sportswear and the woman in a maroon sweater.

Socialization doesn’t come easy for many of us. We just don’t have the gift of naturally making friends or drawing others to us.

Especially as adults, making friends can be tricky. Someone may misconstrue your innocent invitation for a cup of coffee or a beer. You might misinterpret someone’s interest in you.

There are a lot of moving parts when it comes to socializing. And people have different ways of communicating.

There is no right or wrong way to communicate, and the onus shouldn’t be solely on you to change. But if you constantly find you’re clashing with people or misunderstanding each other, it could be that you have mismatched personalities, neurotypes, or temperaments, and you may feel better once you find your tribe.

12. You’re uncomfortable with silence.

Three women sit around a small round table with a bottle of wine and a plate of grapes on it. The woman on the right is drinking from a wine glass, while the other two chat and smile. Candles and dried flowers adorn the rustic setting near a large window.

You don’t have to tell everyone everything in a bid to fill the silence in a conversation. It’s not your job to fill the silence.

Remember, a conversation is a two-way street. So, sit tight and let the other person say something.

If you absolutely cannot handle sitting in silence for another second, pull out a couple of those small talk topics you prepared beforehand, such as the weather.

A final note to consider…

A young woman with short dark hair, wearing large round glasses, a yellow beanie, and a dark green polka dot shirt, smiles while looking off to the side. The background is blurred cityscape.

Are you struggling with disclosing inappropriate amounts of information or details about your life? Is sitting quietly an oddly difficult challenge for you? Are you uncomfortable with silence and feel compelled to fill it with chatter?

Or do you find social cues hard to follow and interpret?

At times, oversharing can be a sign of neurodivergence like ADHD, autism, or both (AuDHD) or of an anxiety disorder.

Autism and ADHD are commonly missed and misdiagnosed in women and people who present with a more internalized profile, so this is something worth considering and investigating.