How Emotional Manipulators Use FOG Tactics To Control You

Are you aware of the FOG tactics manipulators use?

A woman sits on the floor with her head resting on her crossed arms, looking downcast. A man in the background, sitting on a couch, appears upset and is gesturing towards her. The scene suggests a conflict or argument between the two.

Emotional abusers may use a number of different tactics to control their victims. If, after reading this article, you find that some of these approaches seem familiar to you, then you’ve likely been on the receiving end of FOG abuse. Here’s what it stands for, and how to deal with it.

What is FOG?

A woman with dark hair, wearing a striped shirt, sits on a couch with her arms crossed and an unhappy expression. A man with dark hair, wearing a plaid shirt, sits behind her, gesturing as if explaining or arguing. The room has a light, homey atmosphere.

“FOG” is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It’s a classic formula that manipulators use to bend another person to their will and keep them in a relationship that benefits the abuser, while depleting the victim bit by bit until they’re a shadow of their former self.

Many abusers prey on people who are already vulnerable because they know that those who are fragile are more easily influenced. At first, they’ll behave in a way to earn their victim’s trust—possibly by appearing as a veritable angel when they need help the most—and then put them in a position where they can be controlled with greater ease.

Every person has their weaknesses, and emotional manipulators are masters of finding someone’s vulnerabilities and exploiting them. From there, they’ll use various approaches and techniques to press that person’s buttons in order to make them afraid, unreasonably duty-bound, or guilt-ridden.

Why is FOG so effective?

A man with gray hair and beard, wearing a green shirt, sits on a couch holding his head in his hands, looking distressed. In the background, a woman with blonde hair, wearing a yellow shirt, appears to be arguing or talking animatedly.

FOG is effective because the abuser keeps their victim in a constant state of anxiety and instability. They’re so terrified of the potential consequences of misstepping that they’re hypervigilant about never upsetting their abuser.

This includes not seeking out help because they believe their abuser will make good on their threats if they do.

Abusers often try to isolate their victims by threatening to humiliate them or hurt those around them. By doing so, they have complete control over their victims’ lives, and there’s little chance of anyone else stepping in to interfere. The less of a support system a person has, the more malleable and manipulated they can be.

As a result, the victim ends up being little more than a puppet to them. They can’t trust their own judgment, can’t stand up for themselves, and are too horrified by potential embarrassment or damage to break free from their abuser.

Examples of Fear Tactics.

A man with a beard and bald spot angrily gestures and speaks to a woman with red hair who looks away, upset. She sits on a couch clutching a gray pillow, her body turned slightly away from him. The background features a white wall with abstract art.

One of the worst things that emotional manipulators do is put their victims into positions where they’re vulnerable in order to have power over them. One of the most effective ways of doing this is to get dirt on them somehow, so it can be used to the abuser’s advantage later.

As an example, someone may encourage a romantic partner to pose for intimate pictures for them one night after they’ve been drinking or physically intimate together. Somewhere down the line, if the partner wants to end the relationship because of the abuse they’re subjected to, the manipulator will threaten to make those photos public if they leave. Maybe they’ll send them to their victim’s boss, or post them online, knowing full well how damaging that will be to their partner’s life.

Since their partner is terrified of this happening, they’ll agree to just about anything in order to prevent it.

Examples of Obligation.

A man and woman sit on a couch, both looking concerned. The man, wearing a blue sweater, leans forward with his hands clasped under his chin. The woman, in a green top, sits beside him with one hand on her forehead, appearing worried. Shelves are visible in the background.

The manipulator may put their victim into a position where they feel they owe their abuser something significant. For example, an abusive parent may try to manipulate their adult child into being their full-time caregiver by claiming that their offspring “owes” them for giving them food, shelter, and an education.

Similarly, an abusive partner who helped their so-called loved one out of a financial difficulty (such as paying back a portion of their student loans, for example) may use that as leverage. Any time their victim expresses upset about their abuse—or otherwise unacceptable behavior—they’ll bring up that Big Thing they did for the victim and make it clear that they owe them for everything they’ve done.

This approach can even be used by a boss who implies that they gave their employee a huge opportunity by promoting them to their position, so that employee owes them on several levels.

Examples of Guilt.

A man and a woman sit back-to-back on the floor, both appearing upset. The man, with a beard and wearing a gray sweater, looks away with arms crossed. The woman, in a white knitted sweater, leans forward with one hand on her forehead, looking distressed.

Guilt in FOG tactics can take a few different forms, depending on the abuser.

For example, a manipulative parent might fake a suicide attempt if their adult child tries to leave home and then tell them that it was their fault. They might imply that if their offspring leaves again, making the parent so sad and lonely that they make another self-harm attempt, then it’ll be their child’s fault and they’ll have to live with that guilt forever.

Similarly, a person who wants to leave their abusive spouse may find themselves admonished over how much harm they’ll apparently do to their shared children if they leave. They’ll be told that if the children develop serious mental or emotional damage, or if someone breaks in and the other parent isn’t there to protect them from harm, then everyone will know that it was the victim’s selfishness and cruelty that damaged the kids.

Extreme measures that emotional manipulators can go to.

A woman with her hands on her temples appears frustrated while a man behind her raises his hand and seems angry. Both are indoors in a room with white walls and minimal furniture.

The approaches used will depend on whether an abuser is a punisher, a self-punisher, a sufferer, or a tantalizer.

An abuser who wants their partner to spend more time at home with them might contact their boss and tell them that said partner has been stealing from the company to get them fired.

In contrast, a self-punisher who wants their partner at home might try the self-harm approach mentioned previously or keep having “accidents” like kitchen fires or falls at home so their partner is forced to stay with them.

A sufferer will use martyrdom, such as making extravagant lunches for their partner but starving themselves intentionally, thus showing how they’re sacrificing their own wellbeing for their beloved’s sake.

Meanwhile, a tantalizer might make travel plans to a place that their partner has always wanted to go to but will only confirm them IF their spouse stays home (which is incorrect: they’ll cancel anyway).

How to deal with FOG when it happens.

A woman with a thoughtful and concerned expression sits on a couch, resting her head on her hand. In the background, a man sits on a separate couch looking away, seeming distant. The setting appears to be a living room with muted tones and a bright window.

This may be a terrifying prospect, but the best and most effective way to deal with FOG is to become bulletproof.

Emotional abusers can only use FOG effectively if they can make their victim feel afraid: scared of humiliation, ostracization, and so on. If instead, their victim eliminates this advantage, then the abuser no longer has any power over them.

For example, if you trusted your partner with intimate photos and now they’re threatening to share them unless you do what they want, tell EVERYONE you know about this situation. You can even post some photos yourself, with the caveat that you’re doing so to protect yourself because this person has been threatening to expose you.

If they have no leverage over you, they have no power.

Some people may judge you harshly, but the vast majority will rally behind you and condemn your abuser. Seek public support in this, and you’ll get it.

Although the best way to deal with FOG is to learn to recognize it early and then keep distance from whoever’s using it against you, your second best bet is to become invulnerable to your abuser by any means necessary.