How An Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationship Could Be Impacting You As An Adult

Do you have a healthy mother-daughter relationship?

Two women with blonde hair stand together, both wearing white clothing. The younger woman in the foreground wears a blazer and looks into the camera with a neutral expression. The older woman stands behind her with one hand on her shoulder, also gazing at the camera.

The relationship a person has with their mother is the first, and usually the most important, one in their life. When that relationship is damaging or fraught with hardship, the repercussions can echo throughout the person’s life.

These types of issues have a large spectrum, and they can reveal themselves in a variety of different ways, depending on what caused them in the first place.

Let’s take a look at the common types of mother-daughter issues, how they manifest and their causes.

1. Overly attached mother issues.

A woman with curly hair and a black blouse is being hugged by another woman with long, dark hair tied back and wearing a white lace top. Both are smiling with their eyes closed, radiating joy and affection. The background is softly blurred, hinting at an indoor setting.

This kind of over-attachment can develop due to a number of different reasons. One of the most common is when a mother used her young child as an emotional support animal, creating a hyper-attached bond between them. It often happens with single mothers who are emotionally shaken from divorce or when a child has (and overcomes) a severe illness.

Sometimes, the two of them can create a strong bond if they’ve experienced hardship together, but another way this kind of connection can happen is through “trauma bonding.” The mother might be abusive, and the daughter turns to fawning and intense emotional attachment in an attempt to win her mother’s approval.

Alternatively, the mother might have prevented the woman from solving any problems on her own when she was younger and personally took care of all her needs, wants, and responsibilities, thinking she was doing this in her best interests.

But as a result, a woman who has overly attached mommy issues might not be able to function independently as an adult. For example, she might avoid serious romantic partnerships because she can’t bear to live apart from her mother or doesn’t want to neglect her mama by spending too much time with someone else.

Alternatively, if she does get intimately involved with someone, she might only continue the relationship if her mother approves. She may even insist on her mother living with her and her partner, whether in the mom’s home or in a new place they all choose together.

Signs of overly attached mother issues.

Two smiling women outdoors in a forest setting. The older woman, in a vest with a fur-trimmed hood and sunglasses on her head, hugs the younger woman, who is also wearing a vest and has long brown hair. They both look at the camera with smiles.

Someone who’s overly attached to her mom might exhibit some of the following traits:

– Arrested emotional development due to infantilization by the parent: she might seem far younger than her biological age

– Inability to take care of simple tasks without asking for help

– Is in constant contact with their mother; texts or calls her several times a day OR still lives with her

– Constantly turns to her mother for comfort and reassurance, unless the mother is deceased

– Considers her mom her “best friend” and can’t imagine life without her

– Excessive caretaking: shows a great need to “take care of” friends and partners

– People-pleasing tendencies

– Constant need for approval

– Over-attachment and over-protectiveness with her own children

Consequences of an overly attached mother.

Two women with long dark hair embrace happily in front of a solid red background. Both are smiling with closed eyes and wearing red clothes, giving a sense of warmth and joy.

As a result of being over-mothered as a child, a woman with overly attached mother issues might not know how to do anything on her own and will need (or expect) others to step in and do them for her.

The opposite side of this is that the woman may grow up to mirror her mother’s behaviors and is thus overprotective and pandering toward her partner and her own children. She might not let her own kids do any of their own chores, choosing to do them for them in order to be considered a “good mother.” By doing so, she does the kids a great disservice, as they don’t learn to do anything by themselves.

Sadly, this kind of behavior might be applauded by her mother, who will praise her for her self-sacrifice toward her partner and children. Instead of acknowledging that her daughter needs help, she reinforces the idea that this kind of behavior is not just admirable, but correct and expected.

Needless to say, this can result in issues ranging from nervous breakdowns to alienation from her family due to resentment and burnout. This is often the catalyst that pushes a woman to pick up and leave her family in the middle of the night.

2. Absent/neglectful mother issues.

A child sits curled up on the floor in the foreground, looking distressed. In the background, an adult lies on a couch, appearing unconscious or asleep, with an arm hanging down, holding an empty bottle. The scene suggests a troubling or sad atmosphere.

This often happens to women whose mothers were absent, whether physically or emotionally. When they were children, their mothers never provided them with the emotional reassurance and security they needed to feel safe and secure.

As a result, they find it difficult to soothe or comfort themselves. They often have difficulty being alone and are thus considered “needy” in their intimate relationships. This is especially true if the mother died when they were young, particularly between the ages of six and 12.

Of course, this can also manifest in a completely opposite fashion. In contrast to the overly needy types who need constant reassurance, women who were neglected or abandoned by their mothers might keep everyone around them at a distance.

They may have a wide circle of acquaintances but few close friends, as an example. Or they might prefer to have one-night stands or “friends with benefits” rather than actual relationships. In simplest terms, they’ll do whatever they need to in order to feel secure, whether that’s clinging with every ounce of their being or pushing away with just as much force.

Signs of absent/neglectful mother issues.

A person with light brown hair, wearing a colorful sweater, sits at a wooden table by a window, holding a cup. They are looking out the window thoughtfully. A plate with food is in front of them, and a hanging plant is visible in the background.

These are just a few signs of this type of issue:

– Overly clingy, terrified of potential abandonment

– Shows a need for constant reassurance about emotional connection and the health of the relationship

– Alternatively, might avoid close emotional relationships so as to avoid the possibility of being abandoned and hurt (also known as “avoidant attachment”)

– Difficulty with expressing or receiving affection or being vulnerable at all

– May not be able to identify various emotions, let alone recognize when she’s experiencing them

– Constantly on high alert for any potential threats from a partner or their friends (especially female ones)

– Trust issues: might read texts or emails to check if there’s any cheating or inappropriate behavior going on

– Uncomfortable when alone: might not give their partner enough/any alone time and might need to constantly have a TV or radio on because they can’t handle silence

Consequences of an absent/neglectful mother.

A person with shoulder-length blonde hair, wearing a brown sweater, sits at a desk in front of a computer. They are resting their head on their clasped hands, appearing deep in thought. There is a potted cactus and a desk lamp on the desk nearby.

Women whose mothers either neglected or abandoned them can be quite emotionally fragile. Some may develop conditions such as bipolar or borderline personality disorder (BPD) due to never having felt emotionally safe in their childhood or adolescence. They often make huge demands on their partners to keep reassuring them that they’re loved and safe, which can put tremendous pressure on the relationship.

As mentioned earlier, the opposite may be true. These women may struggle with interoception or interoceptive awareness (i.e. recognizing your internal state), which can make it difficult for them to identify or regulate their emotions. This can cause all manner of issues in relationships.

For example, if their partner is trying to get them to open up about how they’re feeling, but they have no idea what they’re feeling, that can cause some intense rifts. The partner might feel as though they’re being evasive, when in reality they honestly have no idea what’s going on inside them.

As a result, it’s often emotionally and psychologically easier for these women to keep relationships quite superficial or temporary. This way, they don’t have to deal with the stress or pressure to either pretend to feel something they don’t or feel things that they’re unable to handle.

Some might also end up fairly narcissistic as well, placing emphasis and priority on getting their own needs met, since they never got what they needed in their youth. One common behavior in people (not just women) with this type of mommy issue is a particular type of relationship cycle.

They’ll get engaged quite quickly and easily, but never marry. Rather, they get engaged in order to feel secure in their relationship, but don’t want to be locked into a marriage. As such, they’ll find a reason to end said relationship when it gets too serious, usually after finding a new love interest to latch onto.

3. Hostile mother issues.

A woman with blonde hair is angrily gesturing with one hand raised towards a teenage girl with long brown hair. The girl is sitting on a couch with her arms crossed, looking upset. Natural light filters through a window behind them, brightening the scene.

If a woman has (or had) a difficult relationship with her mother, then she might be hostile toward both her mother and older women in general. She may be uncomfortable even talking with her mother, and she will likely avoid spending any time with her. Furthermore, she may have difficulty forming bonds with other women.

This type of mommy issue often stems from abuse in childhood or adolescence and it can result in a massive rift between mother and daughter.

The issues can also stem from other types of inappropriate or unwanted behavior from mother to daughter. A good example of this would be a mother who wasn’t respectful of personal boundaries and wanted to be her daughter’s friend, rather than a mother.

She might have tried to push her way into her daughter’s friend groups or insist on sharing personal information, like wanting to know details about the daughter’s intimate life or sharing info about her own.

This abuse is likely to extend well into adulthood, although it may change form. For example, instead of walking into her daughter’s bedroom without knocking, the mother might show up at her home unexpectedly in order to show dominance.

Similarly, she may criticize the daughter’s parenting techniques or insult her at family gatherings. Then, if the daughter tries to call her out on her poor behavior, the mother will gaslight her or brush her off as being oversensitive, having no sense of humor, and so on. She may even rope other family members into mocking the daughter for her “overreactions” as well.

As you can imagine, this can result in an extreme amount of mistrust and resentment on the daughter’s part. It’s especially true if she tried to establish boundaries only to have them ignored or overstepped.

Signs of hostile mother issues.

A man and woman are having an intense conversation in a bright kitchen. The woman, with a concerned expression, has her hands on her head. The man speaks to her gesturing with his hand. Various kitchen appliances and items are visible in the background.

If these are the kinds of issues she’s dealing with, she might exhibit some of the following signs:

– Strong, sometimes unreasonable boundaries followed by extreme anger if they’re crossed

– Won’t have many female friends: prefers to spend her time with men

– May have difficulty trusting women, particularly older ones

– Might refuse to have female doctors or, if forced to have one, will be argumentative and noncompliant with them

– Likely to be belligerent and insubordinate toward female superiors at school or work

– Has difficulty trusting people in general

– Rails against any advice or recommendations from female peers or elders

– Defiant and argumentative toward people in general

– Not-so-subtle misogyny in general, possibly even toward herself

– Contempt toward those who choose motherhood/homemaking as a life path

– Rejection of femininity in general

Consequences of a hostile mother.

A woman with long brown hair is yelling with her hands raised. In the foreground, a girl with long brown hair and a blue shirt sits on a couch, covering her ears with her fingers and looking up. Shelves with books and plants are visible in the background.

Some women who have hostile mommy issues reject femininity at its most core level. They’ve been so traumatized by the mother-daughter dynamic they were raised with that they don’t want to even be associated with anything female. Some might be tomboyish and athletic.

In other cases, they might still be quite feminine but will try to be as different from their mother as humanly possible. If the mother was prim and fashionable, they might get full-body tattoos and extreme piercings.

Or, if their mother was a homemaker, they might strive for great academic achievement or a prestigious career. In a case like this, they’ll seek out accolades and recognition from their peers, thus reinforcing how good they are at being absolutely nothing like Mom.

4. Competitive mother issues.

An elderly woman with gray hair and a younger woman with brown hair sit facing each other in a well-lit room. The elderly woman tenderly adjusts the younger woman's hair while they both smile. A beige armchair and modern decor are visible in the background.

Are you familiar with the Electra complex? It’s a Jungian fixation that refers to a girl who competes with her mother for her father’s love and affection. These issues can begin when the girl is as young as three or four and may continue throughout her life.

The father is often the instigator in these kinds of situations, placing “daddy’s little girl” as the highest priority in family dynamics. He might make a point of choosing the daughter’s preferences over her mother’s or make jokes about the two of them competing for his attention. This can often make the mother feel “replaced,” and as such she develops resentment toward the daughter.

As a result, she might start to be competitive, such as reminding the daughter that the father loved HER first. She might get very critical and demanding of her daughter and even sabotage the girl’s efforts.

For example, a mother may be competitive in terms of physical beauty, telling the girl that she loves her even if she isn’t as pretty as her mum. She may buy her daughter unflattering clothes so she looks better in comparison. In some cases, the mother might even do things like add high-calorie protein powder to her daughter’s food so she gains weight unintentionally.

In simplest terms, the mother does all she can to establish superiority over what she interprets as her younger competition. This type of behavior is incredibly damaging, especially when and if the daughter is too young to leave home. She’s essentially a prisoner in her own home, subjected to never-ceasing competition and criticism.

Signs of competitive mother issues.

A blonde woman with a top bun wearing a blue shirt comforting another blonde woman with a similar hairstyle in a light pink shirt. They are standing close with the older woman gently holding the younger woman's shoulders, both looking at each other.

Women who have mommy issues due to competition may exhibit some of the following signs:

– Extreme fixation with physical appearance, particularly obsessing over beauty and staying young and desirable

– Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, or exercise obsession

– Demanding in relationships, expecting to be pandered to and lavished with presents and surprises so she feels valued

– Competitive with all other women, both in physical appearance and accomplishments

– Is critical of other women, such as being judgmental about their body shape and fashion sense

– If she’s still in contact with her mother/family, she’ll make a point of being the center of attention, even if that means causing unnecessary drama

– Might show contempt for women who dare to age gracefully, condemning them for “letting themselves go”

– Has something unpleasant or critical to say about everyone, especially her mom

Consequences of a competitive mother.

A young woman in a green tank top and denim shorts sits on a couch with her arms crossed, looking away and appearing frustrated. Next to her, an older woman in a white shirt and dark pants sits with her hand on her forehead, looking stressed. A plant is in the background.

These are learned and self-protective behaviors caused by an incredibly unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic. When the person who’s supposed to love, protect, and nurture you is the one to constantly put you down and sabotage your efforts, that can result in severe trust issues and a skewed sense of self-worth.

Women with these kinds of mommy issues are often fiercely competitive with any woman she comes across. In fact, they’ll frequently pursue men who are already married or in long-term relationships solely so they can “win” them away from their current mate.

When and if they succeed in seducing him away, they’ll lose interest. The entire point was to prove their worth and value by having him choose them over their partners. Then they’ll need to repeat the process in order to continue feeling like they have worth as a human being.

Note that it isn’t always the father who instigates this behavior. A mother might be incredibly proud of her daughter when she’s young, but then develop jealousy and resentment as her daughter gets older. This is especially true if the daughter looks like she did when she was younger or is more attractive than she was.

The mom—who might be dealing with insecurities and lowered self-esteem because she’s aging—suddenly sees the daughter as a threat. Here is a younger, more vibrant, fitter version of herself who’s suddenly taking the spotlight, while she’s being pushed aside.

The mother is often torn between being proud of her daughter and hating her. As a result, the daughter grows up with the mixed message that she should be beautiful and successful to make her family proud, but not so beautiful and successful that the mother will be threatened or outshone by her. You can well imagine what that must do to her psyche.

Finally…

A woman and a young girl sit on a couch in a living room. The woman, with blonde hair, is speaking and gesturing with her hands, while the girl, also blonde, rests her head on her hands, looking upset. Shelves with decor items are in the background.

The signs that women may exhibit will depend on what type of mother issues they have. People can have several different types of dynamics with their parents, and the issues a woman exhibits as far as her mother is concerned will reflect the type of relationship she has with her.

We’ve outlines just some of the most common signs that a woman has “mommy issues.” This isn’t an exhaustive list by any means, as mother-daughter difficulties can manifest in countless ways. These are just some of the most common and easily recognized ones.