12 Harsh Truths That Signal You Had A Dysfunctional Upbringing

Dysfunction isn’t always obvious

A young girl with curly hair holds a glass of orange juice and looks thoughtfully at an adult woman who is feeding her with a spoon from a bowl. They are sitting on a fluffy white surface, and both appear to be enjoying a casual moment together.

As children, the sitcoms and movies we watched led many of us to believe that families were comprised of loving, devoted people who shared strong bonds and supported one another no matter what happened.

For many of us, the reality of family life didn’t turn out to be quite so idyllic.

In fact, many people feel little to no connection to their family members at all, but can’t quite pinpoint why.

If this sounds familiar, you likely had a dysfunctional upbringing, even if you didn’t realize it at the time.

Here are 12 more signs.

1. You were the “black sheep” (or the “golden child”).

Three people are engaged in a heated discussion indoors. A man on the left and a woman on the right are facing each other, while an older woman in the middle is trying to mediate, extending her arms toward both of them. The atmosphere is tense.

In many dysfunctional families, there’s a “golden child” and a “black sheep.” Generally, the former is the child who’s idolized for being exactly what the parents always dreamed of. In contrast, the black sheep is the rebel: the defiant, independent kid who refuses to play along with their abusive family’s crap.

2. You were expected to fit the family mold.

A family of four, consisting of two adults and two children, are sitting around a table holding hands and praying before a meal. The table is set with a roasted turkey, corn on the cob, and various vegetables. The scene appears to be during a holiday gathering.

Sometimes the black sheep of the family stands out because they’re naturally different from the rest of their relatives. For example, they might be a musician in a family of math geniuses or have more liberal views than their conservative relatives. In other situations, they intentionally rebel against the perspectives and expectations of the family.

It’s difficult to have a connection to people who are the complete opposite of you. You can’t discuss topics they’re into if you have no interest or knowledge in them, and vice versa. And the result is a pretty dysfunctional dynamic.

3. Your differences weren’t embraced.

A young woman with long dark hair and a grey cardigan sits with arms crossed, looking away with a serious expression. In the background, an older woman with short blonde hair and a light blue sweater appears to be speaking, with a concerned look on her face.

In dysfunctional families, differences aren’t embraced and celebrated, they’re shamed and ostracized.

Perhaps you weren’t able to talk about things that were important to you because your family found everything about your life disappointing or offensive. Or maybe you found it easier to withdraw and remain at a distance than try to take part in conversations or activities you have no interest or skill in.

4. You were the family scapegoat.

A family of four gathers in a bright kitchen. A young man and woman on the left are focused on a tablet and laptop respectively. An older woman in the center appears to be talking passionately, while an older man on the right listens intently. The counter has breakfast items.

Perhaps you were everyone’s emotional punching bag and blame-carrier for everything that went wrong. If dinner got burned, it wasn’t the fault of the one cooking; you distracted them (even if you were on a different floor)!

Alternatively, the mere fact that you exist may be the cause of everything bad happening in their life. They might tell you that they would have been happier if you’d never been born, that you’re a burden they were forced to take care of, or similar pleasantries.

If you were scapegoated regularly, you likely learned early that you aren’t able to trust anyone in your family. After all, they proved to you time and time again that your only purpose was to take the blame for all the family ills.

5. You were love-bombed.

A family of three, comprising a woman, a man, and a young girl with buns in her hair, sit at a café table. They smile and enjoy glasses of orange juice with straws. The girl holds a yellow macaron, and a bowl of macarons sits on the table. The background is a trendy café.

This is another classic tactic in dysfunctional families. Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse whereby a person attempts to influence you for personal gain with excessive love and affection. If it seemed as though you were pulling away after their endless blame and abuse, your family may have love-bombed you on occasion to reel you back in, only to drop another motherlode of misery on you the next time they were upset.

In a case like this, it’s not a surprise if you have no connection to the people who mistreated you for years.

6. Your family experienced a tragedy or other intense hardship.

A woman with short hair in a pink shirt sits on a couch, holding a tissue to her face and appearing upset. A man beside her, wearing a blue shirt, gently comforts her, placing his hand on her shoulder and arm. They are in a bright, cozy living room.

This happens more often than not, and it is actually one of the primary contributing factors to relationship breakdown and trauma.

A tragic experience can often make or break a relationship, and that goes for familial bonds as well as romantic pairings. For instance, an accident that results in the loss of a child doesn’t just impact the parents, but the siblings and grandparents as well.

Sometimes it isn’t loss that can damage family dynamics, but a personal, mental, or physical health breakdown. Let’s say one of the parents experiences intense difficulty and goes through a period of heavy drinking or drug use. They may be abusive toward everyone around them, and even if they get help and clean up, the damage has already been done.

One can forgive and forget, but there are some situations you can’t simply bounce back from.

7. You were a turbulent child/young adult.

An elderly man with glasses and a beige cardigan stands in the foreground, holding a cane and looking to the side. A younger man with a beard, wearing a brown jacket, stands in the background with his hands outstretched, appearing to talk to the older man.

Sometimes family dysfunction begins with our own actions, rather than those of others. For example, if you went through a period of difficulty in your teens or early twenties, you may have alienated your family members through the choices you made at that time.

Although you may have cleaned up your act and changed your life from that point onward, they might still see you as the person you were then. As such, they might be cold toward you or scrutinize your every word and action to see if you’re going to fall back into old habits.

8. Your family won’t let your past go.

Two elderly men sit on a couch in a living room. One man, in a green shirt, leans forward with his head in his hand, appearing distressed. The other man, in a maroon shirt, gestures with his hands as if offering advice or support. Shelves and a TV are in the background.

Your family may be holding your past behavior against you, either intentionally or unintentionally, which creates a continued undercurrent of dysfunction in your relationship.

It’s difficult to be comfortable around people who are constantly expecting you to screw up, even if you’ve proven to them that you’ve changed. Similarly, they might feel like they’re walking on eggshells so as not to trigger you into repeating past harmful behaviors. As such, the disconnect happens on both sides and nobody’s happy.

9. You were (or perhaps still are) neglected.

A young child with long brown hair and wearing a blue jacket looks thoughtfully through wooden stair railings, holding one rail with her hand. The background is softly lit, highlighting the wooden texture of the stairs.

Although neglect may not cause the same types of overt scars as physical abuse, it can still be incredibly damaging. Neglect can occur due to countless different reasons, but the end result is a profound lack of connection.

You may have been trying to establish bonds with your family members for years, only to be ignored or set aside until “later,” but that “later” never happened. As a result, you had to make sure that your own needs were met without any help.

This may have taught you independence and self-sufficiency, but it also let you know that your family members didn’t care enough about you to put any effort into you.

10. You have reactive attachment disorder.

Two young children lean on a table with sad expressions while a man and woman are seen in the background arguing. The scene takes place in a brightly lit room with windows and a bookshelf. The mood is tense, reflecting family conflict.

If you experienced neglect in early childhood, you may be unknowingly dealing with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). When an infant or very young child doesn’t receive the emotional attention it needs, that child will subconsciously turn off emotional receptivity.

As a result, they may find it difficult (or even impossible) to form connections with others as they go through life. The neglect they experienced may have been unintentional, but it can damage a person’s ability to form real bonds with others for the rest of their lives.

Neglect often happens when the parents are stretched thinly and prioritize some of their children over others. For instance, younger siblings and those with special needs take up more of their parents’ time and energy, so the older or neurotypical ones are cast aside. As a result, they end up feeling unimportant and unable to trust or rely on anyone but themselves.

11. Your family mocked your differences.

Two women with long dark hair sit on a beige couch, looking away from each other thoughtfully. One wears a denim jacket and rests her head on her hand, while the other wears a striped shirt and rests her chin on her hand with a slight smile.

This sometimes goes along with being the “black sheep” of the family, but sometimes it’s simply a case of having absolutely nothing in common with the people you’re related to either by blood or adoption.

It’s rather like trying to connect with coworkers or friend groups whose interests and hobbies are the complete opposite to your own. How can you create a bond when there’s absolutely no common ground?

Things get even more difficult if those around you mock you for your interests. Are you a bookworm in a family of sports fanatics? Or a fitness fan surrounded by couch potatoes?

When those close to you constantly put you down or sabotage you when you try to pursue your own interests, it’s unsurprising that you want to keep them at a distance—both emotionally and physically.

Then there are issues such as politics and religion that can be very polarizing. The wider the gap between the two parties, the more communication and connection suffer.

12. You’re neurodivergent and your needs weren’t understood or met.

A woman with straight, light brown hair is looking down thoughtfully while holding a white cup with both hands. She is wearing a sleeveless white top and is set against a plain, textured background.

Autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people may find it difficult to establish strong connections with family members, particularly if the family members refuse to accept the autistic person as they are and try to make them bend to be something they aren’t. This can also happen unintentionally, as a result of missed or misdiagnosed neurodivergence.

Autistic people feel love, empathy, and other emotions; they just can’t always read neurotypical body language or clue into social cues as naturally.

If you are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD), you may feel alienated from neurotypical family members, rather like an outsider who’s playing a role among people they have to live with. It seems like, at least hypothetically, you should get along with them because of blood ties, but you just don’t.

It may also be complicated by undiagnosed and/or clashing neurodivergence in other family members, since it’s highly genetic.

Unintentional misunderstandings may have caused tension and communication breakdown. And discomfort with situations or sensory stimuli that didn’t bother other family members may have resulted in upset and resentment on both sides. Over time, unfortunately this may have resulted in unmet needs and dysfunctional familial relationships.