7 Micromanaging Habits You Need To Stop Before They Destroy Your Relationship

Are you a control freak?

A bearded man in a pink shirt is chopping yellow bell peppers on a wooden cutting board in a modern kitchen. A woman with long blonde hair, in a gray shirt, is sitting on the counter beside him, holding a tablet and smiling. A bowl of fresh vegetables sits nearby.

When you think about your current relationship, do you view you and your partner as equals in all things?

Or is one of you over-functioning and micromanaging the other?

Micromanaging can manifest in several ways, and can either happen organically or be forced upon one partner by the other.

But whatever the cause, it rarely ends well. Resentment builds, intimacy disappears and it ends up feeling more like a parent-child relationship than romantic partners.

To put an end to it before it’s too late, stop doing these 7 things.

1. Ignoring unconscious over-functioning.

A bearded man wearing yellow rubber gloves is cleaning a modern white kitchen. He is leaning over a black trash bin, throwing away pizza leftovers. The countertop is cluttered with various items, including a red cup, a plate with pizza, and a coffee mug.

In a relationship context, over-functioning refers to a situation where one partner takes on significantly more responsibility, decision-making abilities, control, and/or emotional and physical labor than the other.

This is especially important if you’re behaving the same way in your current relationship as you did in your previous one.

I’m guilty of doing this, and it was both embarrassing and horrifying to realize.

My last relationship was with a partner who was AuDHD (autistic plus ADHD). I was therefore over-functioned to compensate for things he found challenging, through no fault of his own.

I had to take on behaviors normally associated with parenting—like giving a heads up as to when was a good time to cross a busy road.

As you may imagine, this did not translate well to my current relationship, in which I have an extremely capable partner who’s been taking care of himself with full autonomy for decades.

Fortunately, we both have great senses of humor and have thus been able to undo previous programming with grace and amusement.

That said, I still need to be conscious of my knee-jerk responses to certain situations and be aware that the person I’m with now neither needs nor appreciates micromanaging.

2. Ignoring healthy boundaries.

A man and woman are sitting indoors, talking and smiling at each other. The woman is holding a white mug, while the man is sitting on a bed. Soft, natural light is streaming in through a window, and there are lens flare effects in the image.

We all have boundaries to varying degrees, so it’s important to talk with your partner to see what they are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to life management.

In turn, you can also express your boundaries to them, so the two of you have a greater understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable.

This is a great idea in situations where one person thinks they’re being helpful while the other feels that they’re being controlled. It can also be really useful in identifying where you and your partner would like support.

I’ll use a personal example here: I despise being told what to do, and I’ll naturally rebel against anyone who tries to do so.

That said, I also have problems with sensory processing and thus can’t really tell when and if I’m hungry, cold, tired, and so on. As such, my partner will check in on me regularly and suggest that I either put a sweater on or eat something, as I probably need to.

He also despises being told what to do, but he appreciates being given step-by-step instructions for endeavors that he isn’t familiar with but wants to learn more about.

So if I’m unable to cook dinner because I’m either unwell or have other responsibilities, I’ll write out directions on how to create a specific dish.

It may not turn out the same way I do it, but since we all learn from experience, he gets the opportunity to try out different techniques that work for him.

You’d be amazed at how many tensions can be alleviated or avoided entirely with open, loving communication.

3. Treating your adult partner like a child.

A young woman with blond hair stands in a kitchen with her hands on her hips, looking frustrated. A young man with brown hair wearing a plaid shirt sits at the counter, resting his head on his hand, appearing upset.

Have you ever gotten annoyed when the character in a film orders for their date without bothering to ask them what they’d like? If so, it’s likely because, on a fundamental level, people appreciate the autonomy of making decisions themselves, rather than being informed of what they’ll be having, doing, etc.

If you’ve made decisions for your partner in the past instead of working with them as an equal to determine the best options—or even being gracious enough to let them decide for themselves—then this is your cue to stop doing so.

Even if your partner is indecisive, or makes choices that you consider to be questionable, you need to remember that they are a sovereign adult whose life is their own to lead, not yours to dictate.

You can make recommendations or offer your opinion if you’re asked, but if you aren’t, turn your attention towards your own life choices.

Not theirs.

4. Letting your adult partner behave like a child.

A man with a beard is sitting on a blue couch playing video games with a controller, while a woman is ironing clothes behind him in a living room. The room is cluttered with laundry, a laundry basket, snacks, and drinks, and is decorated with wall art and a bookshelf.

If your partner was raised in a family where they were taken care of and doted on rather than playing an active role in household management, it can be a recipe for disaster.

A lot of parents do their children an immense disservice by doing everything for them while they’re growing up.

They believe they’re giving their kids the happiest childhood possible by not weighing them down with chores. But by not giving them responsibilities and teaching them to see everything that needs doing, they don’t learn how to be independent, autonomous adults.

As a result, once they get partnered up, they expect to fall into the same role that they were comfortable with in their childhood and adolescence.

Essentially, they want a parental figure to take care of the icky adult-y stuff so they can focus on the things they enjoy, but they still expect this parent figure to want to sleep with them regularly.

Sit down and work together to establish one another’s roles by determining who’s best at what, who likes to do which chore, and then taking on related roles accordingly.

By doing so, all the household’s responsibilities are delegated according to your respective strengths and preferences. And even the icky stuff is spread out between the two of you, rather than being handled by one resentful party.

This will lessen bitterness in both parties and increase appreciation for each other’s contributions. It’ll also make you more likely to want intimacy instead of growing cold towards one another.

*As a side note, if you have children together this is a perfect opportunity to ensure that cycles don’t repeat themselves. Ensure your kids have age-appropriate chores that they’re responsible for, and help them learn to see what needs doing instead of going solely by what’s dictated to them.

5. Monitoring your partner while they do things.

A man is lounging on a sofa with a remote control in his hand, looking at a woman who is standing nearby holding a laundry basket full of clothes. The room features large windows with a view of trees outside.

If you’ve been micromanaging your relationship for a long time, it’ll take a little while to learn how to undo established behavioral patterns through new techniques.

For example, if your partner behaves in an indecisive manner, or isn’t doing chores or other responsibilities in a manner that you think is effective, redirect your attention elsewhere.

Instead of focusing on everything they’re doing wrong (in your eyes), focus on your own tasks and leave them to it. If possible, try to leave the house for a while and run some errands that need your attention.

Physically removing yourself from the area will help you resist the urge to control your partner while ensuring that you’re taking care of the chores or obligations on your own to-do list. It’s more than likely that their tasks will be completed by the time you get home.

Remember that just because they aren’t doing things your way, on your schedule, doesn’t mean that they aren’t going to get done.

They’re just being done differently.

6. Refusing to get help.

A close-up of a therapist's hands holding a pen and notepad, gesturing while speaking. In the background, a couple sits on a couch, attentively listening with their hands placed on their laps. The setting appears to be a counseling or therapy session.

If you’ve been forced into micromanaging by a partner who’s unable (or unwilling) to take on equal responsibility, then consider couples counseling.

A partner who has arrested development may fight you over chore and obligation delegation as though you were a parent who’s trying to dampen their fun.

Very few people sincerely enjoy the responsibilities that come with “adulting”, but being defiant and argumentative about them won’t make them go away.

As such, you may need to get a neutral third party involved. They can help get the message across that you’re not trying to punish your partner by inflicting unfair chores on them, but rather you need them to step up and do their part to ensure the household runs smoothly.

What’s especially important here is to help your partner understand that they aren’t “helping you” by taking on these responsibilities, but are simply doing their fair share. This is a partnership in which both people contribute in the ways that suit them best.

Alternatively, if you’ve been micromanaging your responsibilities because you’re riddled with anxiety and need to be constantly in control, a therapist can help you work through that as well—either alone or as part of couples therapy.

In simplest terms, if you want a healthy, harmonious relationship with an equal partner who loves and respects you, you’ll need to deal with your control issues.

This is likely to involve delving into the reasons why you’re so controlling, which may require you to investigate dark corners you’ve been avoiding for a long time.

Behavior doesn’t develop out of nowhere, and by finding out the cause, you can sort out the symptoms accordingly.

Finally…

A woman and a man are assembling furniture in a bedroom. The woman is sitting on the bed, holding instruction papers and smiling, while the man is kneeling on the floor, using a screwdriver. Various furniture pieces and tools are scattered around them.

Every human being is a sovereign individual who has a lot going on inside them.

You might see your partner engrossed in something that you find trivial and feel the need to redirect their attention to what you feel is more important. But in reality, they may be working through some intensely personal thoughts and emotions and should have their time and space respected as a result.

Your partner is exactly that: your partner.

Learn to see them as your equal and as a human being rather than a tool you can use to get various things done.

If you experience frustration at their indecision or lack of action, try talking to them and asking them what they’re thinking or feeling instead of assuming that they’re simply slacking off.

Remember, this person isn’t you, and assuming the worst of them based on your own experiences isn’t fair.

The whole point of a partnership is to work together, right?

So learn how to be each other’s “helping hands” and balancing pillars of strength, rather than weights that are bringing each other down.

It’ll make your life together a lot sweeter and stronger in the long run.