If you feel like you don't fit in, take these 14 steps to find your place

Do you want to feel like you fit in somewhere?

A young man with short brown hair and a neatly trimmed red beard stands against a light blue-gray background. He is wearing a pink and white striped shirt and looking directly at the camera with a neutral expression.

Everyone on the planet feels like they don’t fit in at times.

This can be for a wide variety of reasons, ranging from having different interests and views from family members, to not quite understanding social cues and expectations.

Other times, one might personally feel that they don’t fit in with those around them, but that perspective is wholly internal. It isn’t shared by their peers, who can’t understand why this person would feel this way.

The feeling of not fitting in can be very isolating. It can make a person insecure about their own role in the world around them.

If you’ve been experiencing this, there are quite a few things that you can do. Some of them revolve around shifting your mindset, while others are more about adjusting certain behaviors in order to make life run a bit more smoothly.

Here are the steps you should take.

1. Examine other people’s motivations for excluding you.

A woman with a sad expression sits alone in the foreground of a café, looking down. In the background, three people sit together at a table, with two of them looking in her direction. The scene suggests a sense of isolation and contemplation.

If you’ve been feeling excluded or ostracized by those around you, try to take a step back and look at the big picture. To start off with, write down all the instances you can think of when you felt left out, or felt like you didn’t fit in.

Once you’ve done that, try to look at the results from many different perspectives. See if you can find recognizable patterns, either in the situations themselves or with the people involved.

For example, if you felt that you didn’t fit in because you spent most of your time alone at a party, was that because you didn’t know anyone else there? Were you too shy to mingle with people you didn’t know? And similarly, could they have been shy about approaching you—possibly even trying to respect your space by leaving the ball in your court—to socialize?

2. Stop assuming that you’re either too much, or not enough.

A close-up of a person with short brown hair and glasses, looking into the distance. The background is blurred but appears to be a bookshelf with various books and items. The person has a contemplative expression and wears a light-colored shirt and jacket.

This can be a really difficult one to navigate, as just about everyone has to deal with self-esteem issues. A person who has a typically amazing body or conventionally attractive face might be paralyzed with anxiety because of dyslexia or sensory processing issues. Alternatively, someone who’s brilliant and talented might feel like they don’t fit in with their peers because their body or facial features aren’t considered “hot” by the majority.

Maybe you’re quieter than the others around you because you’re an introvert, or because you prefer to observe rather than take part. In contrast, you might be super bubbly and enthusiastic because you’re naturally energetic and really excited about life in general.

For the latter situations, try your best to pick up on subtle social cues. Let others talk if they feel frustrated by your prattle, or speak up a bit if they seem uncomfortable with your silence.

As for everything mentioned above, the people who actually matter are those who care about you because of how you are, not despite. If they’re choosing to hang out with you, then they like you, and you fit in just fine.

3. Determine whether you’re assuming things about others.

A group of five people sitting together on couches in a cozy room. They appear to be engaged in a relaxed and friendly conversation. The room features exposed brick walls, large windows, and warm lighting. Everyone is casually dressed and seems comfortable.

In the past, if you have felt like you didn’t belong someplace, or that other people were being critical toward you, ask yourself if that was actually true or if there could have been other reasons.

Many people are hypervigilant about any perceived criticism or negative thoughts about them. As a result, they often worry a great deal about what others think about them and generally assume the worst. If someone looks at them from across the room mid conversation, then they’ll assume they’re being gossiped about.

4. Analyze who’s giving you grief, and why.

A woman with long blonde hair in a gray shirt stands facing the camera, with two people on either side. One person with dark hair in a gray jacket is on the left, while another person in a plaid shirt stands with arms crossed in the background.

In contrast, have you been insulted or otherwise been put down by people who were trying to encourage you to look or behave differently because you were being too weird, or not meshing with the rest of the group? If so, who were these people?

If you’re constantly receiving this kind of feedback from family members, then it might be a cultural thing. They might feel that they have the right to control your life because they’re related to you. Furthermore, they might even believe that your choices will reflect poorly on them. This is the whole “What will people think/say about us?” situation.

This can go for those in your social groups as well. They might worry about being ostracized themselves if they associate with someone “weird.” It’s possible they actually really like you, but they’re so worried about becoming personae non grata (Latin for “person not welcome”) that they’ll try to change you so you don’t attract negative attention.

5. Ask yourself whether you’re intentionally keeping other people at a distance.

A man with short, styled hair and a trimmed beard looks down with a neutral expression. He is wearing a light blue t-shirt and standing outside, with a blurred background featuring a building and a fence.

This may not be the case, but it’s a good idea to examine the possibility anyway.

A lot of people are so wary of being excluded or rejected that they preempt this by not giving others the chance to hurt them in the first place. They’ll keep people at a distance and exude an aura that tells others to give them a wide berth. This often has that exact effect: it’ll make the person seem standoffish, which will inevitably stop others from approaching them.

Many who have been abused in the past have had to put up protective walls in order to get through difficult times. Problems occur when you’re no longer in an abusive situation, but the walls are still up—even if they don’t realize it!

You might really want to cultivate some new relationships, but you’re still giving off vibes that keep others at bay. As such, you feel that you’re not receiving a warm enough welcome, when in fact you’re unknowingly pushing others away.

Once you’re aware of this kind of behavior, you can then take steps to adjust it so you can let people “in” a bit more.

6. Do you think you might be trying too hard? Or not enough?

A man with a beard and short hair sits on a red leather couch, looking pensively out the window. He is wearing a maroon button-up shirt, and there is a potted plant in the background with large windows letting in natural light.

The efforts we put into social groups can make or break our dynamics with them.

For example, you’ve probably noticed that some people make friends and other social contacts quite effortlessly, while others struggle with real connection. The key thing here has nothing to do with fitting in per se, but everything to do with being comfortable and confident in oneself.

Let’s say you’re interested in being friends with a particular crowd, but they dress and act differently from how you do now. As a result, you might buy similar clothes, change your hairstyle, take up their vocal cadence, etc. This is all done in an attempt to fit in with all of them, but the fact that you’re trying so hard to be one of them will make everyone very uncomfortable.

Rather than embracing you as one of their own, they’ll see that you’re wearing a costume and trying to play at being one of them. There’s no sincerity here; just a masquerade.

The opposite can also be true. You might be trying so hard to be your own unique unicorn self that you alienate those around you. Instead of celebrating you for the masterpiece that you are, they might find your intentionally different behaviors and choices off-putting. This is especially true if you’re very vocal about things that they don’t particularly care about on a regular basis.

Take a close look at the effort you’re putting into these interactions, and see if there’s room for improvement.

7. Try walking the middle road.

A group of four people sits around a table with snacks, beers, and red cups, playing a guessing game. Each person has a sticky note on their forehead. One woman in the foreground appears thoughtful, while the others are laughing and engaged in the game.

There’s always a way to compromise, including adjusting things just enough so one fits in a bit more, while still being true to themselves.

Many people who feel that they don’t fit in will abandon the things that make them unique and special in favor of being more easily accepted. This isn’t a great long-term solution, as the person who’s trying to fit in will inevitably end up feeling as though they’re living a lie.

They have to wear masks that don’t fit them properly and pretend to be something they’re not, just so they’re not left out. And that sucks.

In situations like this, an option is to find that magical middle road between authenticity and amalgamation. It’s adapting to be a bit more accepted by the social circle, while still having some zesty, unique spice for good measure.

I’ll use my partner as an example here because I can think of one way in which she was able to bridge that very gap. The gothic velvet gowns she preferred weren’t ideal for the conservative office job she ended up getting.

In order to fit in a bit better, she adjusted her style to a Dita Von Teese esthetic. She chose fitted skirts and blazers (mostly black), and heels reminiscent of 1930s/40s styles. The result was that she got to be the “quirky” girl at the office, while still being accepted by her peers. Therein lies the magic of the middle road.

8. Mirror the surroundings you find yourself in.

A group of people sitting around a table in a restaurant, eating and talking. A woman with curly hair wearing a pink top and beige vest is smiling in the center, while others around her are holding pieces of pizza. The atmosphere appears lively and social.

Further to the previous point, you can also be a social chameleon as situations require.

If you’re given a hard time about speaking or acting differently than a friend group or around family members, then adjust your cadence and behavior when you’re around them. This isn’t to belittle or insult them, but rather to make them feel more comfortable.

Think of it like adapting how you speak to children, or to those of high status. You’re not condescending to kids, but you’ll use simpler vocabulary that they can understand. And you’ll likely be a bit more formal with heads of state or royalty than you would be with your buds.

Adapt to circumstances, walk that middle road, and you’ll be able to adjust to just about any situation you find yourself in. Think of it as emotional camouflage: you can sink into your surroundings, becoming one with the landscape, while being true to yourself underneath the outfit you’re wearing.

9. Alternatively, pick a lane.

A group of five people sitting around a table in a casual café setting, engaged in conversation. The focus is on a man with styled hair and a white patterned shirt seated in the foreground. The others are blurred, suggesting depth. They are all holding coffee cups.

If walking the middle road isn’t an option and you run serious risks if you don’t fit in, then you may have to pick a lane. This involves either masquerading in an attempt to fit in with everyone else or choosing an entirely different lifestyle so you don’t have to compromise anything about yourself.

The first option sucks, but might be necessary as a temporary measure. Many people have had to pretend to be something they aren’t just to keep the peace. If you choose this route, know that it will be an uncomfortable one. Try to ensure that it is in fact temporary, so you don’t end up anxious and depressed about playing a role you hate for too long.

Similarly, some people have refused to compromise on their authenticity, and have instead chosen to cut ties with those around them, and live a life that’s true to themselves. It’s often better to leave a situation rather than masquerading in order to fit in with those you don’t really like anyway. But this, too, will lead to some challenges and difficulties at times.

10. Become the version of yourself that you’d like best.

A young woman with long brown hair leans against a brick wall, looking pensively into the distance. In the background, a group of four people is engaged in conversation, with their faces blurred and the focus on the woman in the foreground.

This expands upon the previous one a little bit, and some might disagree with it. But there are countless different approaches out there when one feels that they don’t fit in, and being the best version of yourself—the one that makes you feel happiest—is a valid option.

If you feel that you don’t fit in because you are the largest person in your social group, you are less educated, or you don’t have a great job, then put in the work to change yourself or your circumstances.

Body shape and facial features can be changed through diet, exercise, and/or surgery (though you should want to change for yourself, not for anyone else). It’s never too late to go back to school, nor change careers. Look into distance degree programs if in-person education isn’t an option, and speak with a career counselor about changing direction with your job.

11. Find your tribe.

A group of people socializing at a bar. They are holding various cocktails and drinks. The background is filled with shelves stocked with liquor bottles, contributing to a lively atmosphere. Everyone appears to be engaged in conversation and enjoying themselves.

If you find that you really don’t fit in no matter what you do, then you might have to find an entirely different group. It’s likely not a situation that you don’t fit in with anyone, but simply that you don’t fit in with those you’ve been associating with up until now.

Remember the story of the ugly duckling? How it was picked on for being weird looking, only to find out that it was actually a swan rather than a duck all along? You might be in a situation where you are that swan, surrounded by ducks as far as the eye can see. But you’re not the only swan in the world. In fact, there may be dozens—even hundreds—of other swans in the area, but you just haven’t found them yet.

Use social media or sites like Meetup to do searches for topics that are important to you. Then connect with other like-minded people in your area. If there aren’t many, because you live in a remote location (or your interests are super niche), then cultivate some friendships online. The great thing about not being a tree is that you have the ability to travel when and if you ever want to.

You’ll likely find some great groups that you grok with really well! You just needed to search for them a little bit.

12. Or create your own tribe.

A group of four people hangs out at a skate park. One person sits in a shopping cart, wearing headphones and drinking from a can. Two people sit on the edge of a ramp behind them, while another stands nearby, all casually dressed. A bicycle is parked beside them.

Alternatively, if you do these kinds of searches and keep coming up empty, then consider starting a group of your own. There are likely many other people just like you who are also looking to connect with their tribe, but are also coming up empty.

Remember how we suggested looking for groups on Meetup or social media? Well, feel free to start one of your own! If the mountain isn’t coming to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain, right?

Start a group that bridges a couple of your most beloved interests, and create some corresponding social media pages for it. For example, if you make a Meetup group, then create related pages about it on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook. This will widen the options for people who are looking to connect with those with similar interests.

Before you know it, you’ll have people coming out of the woodwork who are also interested in the combinations you love. Then you can decide from there how and when you’d like to interact further. Do you want to keep these connections at a distance? Or host an event where you all get to hang out in person? There are several options to choose from, all of which are valid and exciting.

13. Consider getting evaluated for neurodivergence or social anxiety.

A person with wavy, shoulder-length brown hair wearing a maroon and white checkered shirt looks slightly to the side with a neutral expression. The background features a blurred, reddish-orange wall.

A final thing to consider is the possibility that you might be experiencing the world in a different way from most others. For example, many people who are on the autism spectrum have experienced the feeling of not “fitting in” with those around them.

If you think this might be a possibility, consider getting assessed by an accredited specialist. Then, you’ll be able to approach things in ways that better suit your brilliant, unique mind.

14. Talk to a therapist.

man talking to a therapist

Of course, you don’t need to be tested for anything in particular to benefit from time with a therapist. Therapists are familiar with a very wide range of issues that we might not even be aware of. As such, they can offer insights and solutions that may not have been considered.

For example, you might feel that you don’t fit in when in reality you’re dealing with crippling social anxiety.

At the very least, they can ask questions to help dig to the root of a problem, and then work with you to determine the solution that’s best for you.

One of the most important things to remember is that just because you feel like you don’t fit in doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you. If you’ll indulge a moment of garden-related metaphors for a moment, there’s nothing “wrong” with a cactus because it won’t flourish in the tundra, nor is there anything “wrong” with an orchid because it won’t grow in a desert.

For life to thrive, it needs to be in an environment that will best allow it to flourish. If it’s in the wrong soil, or doesn’t get enough light or water, it’ll falter. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the soil or the plant. They’re just not suited to one another. The key is to pair the plants with the environments that are best for them.

Once that happens, they’ll be able to grow into the best versions of themselves with ease.