If Your Partner Gives You The Silent Treatment, Make It Stop With These 10 Steps

How To Deal With The Silent Treatment

A young woman with long dark hair, wearing a light gray t-shirt, sits on a couch looking upset, resting her head on her hand. In the blurred background, a man sits on another couch, facing away. They appear to be in a tense or reflective moment.

No one wants be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. It’s an unpleasant form of passive aggression, and depending on the circumstances, borders on emotional abuse.

If your partner is prone to giving you the silent treatment and you want to handle things with dignity, what’s to be done?

Reacting to the silent treatment requires sensitivity, openness, understanding, and a good dose of humility.

Here is the approach to take.

1. Look for solutions.

A man with short brown hair and a beard is sitting on a couch with his arms crossed, looking away to his left. A woman with blonde hair is sitting beside him, gently holding his arm and looking at him with concern. They are in a room with a white brick wall.

Most people who give the silent treatment don’t feel great about it at the time. It’s just a mechanism for dealing with conflict that they know.

Chances are, provided with a meaningful solution to whatever came between you, they’d engage with the process of reconciliation. Maybe not straight away, of course, but sooner or later.

If you can think of solutions yourself, offer these up in a gentle way. Don’t ram them down the other person’s throat as the ‘right’ thing to do or as the action you think needs to be taken.

2. And ask for their opinion.

A woman with a skeptical expression rests her head on her hand while listening to someone. She is wearing a light-colored shirt and sitting indoors in front of a blurred background with a plant. A coffee cup sits on the table in front of her.

When you’re making these suggestion, ask for feedback. For example:

“I think some regular, scheduled time together as a couple might help you feel more loved and less neglected. What do you think?”

“Perhaps, when we fight about something, we could agree to go away, write our thoughts and feelings down on paper, and give those letters to each other, rather than going round in circles and letting our tempers get the better of us. Do you like that idea?”

“I’m willing to reign in my spending and put more money aside into savings each month as I know this is important to you.”

Of course, you won’t always have solutions in mind. Sometimes you just need to work through things together. In which case, you can simply say:

“I wish we could figure out what’s wrong.”

“I’m sure, if we put our heads together and talk about this, we can come up with a solution that makes us both happy.”

3. Accept that you won’t always break the silence immediately.

A woman and a man are in a kitchen. The woman stands with her arms crossed, looking away. The man sits on the counter, looking down. Both appear serious. The kitchen has wooden cabinets and a countertop with a fruit bowl.

When you make your own suggestions or ask to talk about it, you might not always get the response you want.

But, know that by offering this olive branch, you are likely to shorten the time they feel willing and able to maintain the silent treatment, and this in itself is a win of sorts.

4. Validate their feelings.

A man and a woman sit on a kitchen counter, both holding coffee mugs. The man has a beard and a bun, wearing a denim shirt, and the woman has long hair, wearing a white sweater. They are engaged in conversation with a warmly lit, rustic kitchen in the background.

There’s no point hiding away from the emotions that you’re both feeling after a bust-up.

That’s why the solution approach above should be coupled with a clear message that you accept their feelings for what they are, but that your feelings are just as valid.

This works a lot better than suggesting they are blowing things out of proportion. They may be in your opinion, but not in theirs.

So rather than, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” opt for something more conciliatory such as:

“I see that you are feeling hurt and that you’ve pulled away. I understand that you may need some time to cool off and process what happened, but I’m here to talk about it as soon as you’re ready.”

If they come back to the table and open up a dialogue within a reasonable time, then the message got through and they feel appeased by your gesture.

5. Validate your own feelings.

A woman with blonde hair lies on her side in bed, looking down and appearing upset. A man with short dark hair sits beside her, gesturing with his hand as if trying to communicate. Both are dressed in casual white clothing, and the bed is white.

If they continue giving you the silent treatment for a prolonged period of days or more, it’s right that you express how that makes you feel. You must communicate your own hurt or you risk rejecting its validity.

“Listen, I have tried to give you some space to allow you to work through what it is you are feeling, but I really want to resolve the situation before it drags on much longer. When you pull away like this, I feel alone and unsure of what else I can do, and this isn’t how I want to feel.”

6. Don’t grovel.

A man wearing a gray t-shirt and glasses sits on a couch with a distressed expression, resting his forehead on his fingers. A woman in a yellow shirt and light blue pants sits farther away, looking at him with concern. They are in a bright room with white walls.

Remember, a big part of the silent treatment is the power it gives the person who wields it.

But that power is largely something that your actions give them.

When you grovel, beg for forgiveness, or make grand gestures designed to win them round, you are only reinforcing their belief that silence works.

7. But Apologize where necessary.

A woman with short hair and glasses sits on a beige couch, comforting a distressed man who is holding his head in his hand. They are surrounded by crumpled tissues, indicating emotional distress. A coffee table with mugs and papers is in front of them.

Of course, if you have said or done something to upset them, you should apologize sincerely, but you should only do so once. Repeated apologies just hand the power to the other person.

8. Keep calm and carry on.

A young woman with auburn hair is sitting on a balcony chair, reading a magazine. She is wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, enjoying the sunny weather. The balcony has a rustic vibe, with an old building wall behind her and a partial view of a street with trees.

If, once you have said what needs to be said from steps 1 and 2 above, you go about your life in an emotionally level way, not reacting to their silence, you teach them that their approach is not going to give them the results they seek.

When they see that you are not playing their game, one would hope that they will stop playing it too.

Of course, if they don’t…

9. Decide where to draw the line.

A woman with curly hair and a pensive expression sits on a couch, propping her head with one hand. She wears a red shirt and a necklace. In the background, a man in a plaid shirt and jeans also sits on the couch, looking away. The mood appears tense.

The silent treatment cannot go on forever or rear its head every time you have even the smallest disagreement. That’s no way for a relationship to be.

Eventually, there must come a point where you say enough is enough. Prolonged or repeated use of the silent treatment is tantamount to abuse, and you do not deserve it.

10. Be willing to let the relationship go.

A person with long hair sits on a green wooden bench near the water, wearing a red and black sweater, black pants, and red shoes. They have a contemplative expression. A small brown backpack is placed beside them on the bench.

Know what your limits are, keep trying to engage the other person to improve the situation for as long as you think is healthy, but be willing to let the relationship go if things show no sign of improvement.

This is not meant as a threat or ultimatum. It isn’t designed to finally jolt them into change (though it might). Just be clear with them that you will not accept this kind of treatment much longer, and then follow through when you feel you’ve done all you can.

It will hurt – both you and them – but it is for the best in the long run.