If your relationship is missing any of these 19 boundaries, it's not as healthy as you think

Is your relationship missing any of these important boundaries?

Silhouette of a man and a woman standing on either side of a vertical beam against a yellow background. The man is leaning with one arm on the beam, and the woman is standing with one hand on the beam and the other hand on her hip.

“Boundaries.”

The word leaves icicles in the hearts of lovers.

We’re told love is supposed to be an unencumbered, wide-open field where unicorns and fairies create magnificent tapestries of our love with sugar and instant trust.

Truthfully, the more room there is to run unfettered, the more likely we are to trip and fall flat on our faces.

Boundaries are necessary, and there’s nothing about them that says they can’t change.

They shouldn’t be thought of as rigid constrictions designed to suffocate a relationship.

They should, can, and do change, which is why discussing them is so important.

Here are 19 types of boundary you should think about setting in your relationship.

1. Overall expectations.

Close-up of a couple with their heads touching, eyes closed, exuding an intimate and affectionate moment. The man has short, light hair and a slight beard, wearing a blue shirt. The woman has long blonde hair and a hand on his shoulder, with a glimpse of a ring on her finger.

First off, you should always discuss what you expect out of someone, and what you expect to receive.

“Expectations” get a bad rap in Romanceville, but if one thinks of expectations as standards of conduct, embracing the boundaries that come with it becomes easier.

A lot of people enter relationships putting the burden of healing/completing them onto someone else.

None of us, however, are anyone’s god, goddess, or totem of completion.

We’re us, we’re real, and we have needs; needs which are easy to overlook by someone else if that someone puts us on a pedestal.

A relationship should be a balance of give and take, not take till there’s nothing left for someone to give.

Make sure to discuss how far you’re willing to go toward being someone’s “fulfillment” and how you would like, in turn, to be filled.

2. Tolerances.

A woman with a serious expression is staring at a man who has his index finger raised in front of her face. The background is dark, and the woman is wearing a white shirt. The man is slightly out of focus.

Everyone has different physical pain thresholds.

Same goes for emotional.

Let a loved one know there are certain things you will not tolerate: being shouted at, lied to, silenced, or mistrusted – whatever it is, make it known that going past these boundaries is a journey they may not want to take.

3. Physical intimacy.

A woman in a pink blouse tenderly kisses a man in a blue shirt on the cheek while he looks at his phone. Both are sitting close together on a couch in a cozy living room with dark cushions and light-colored curtains in the background.

Some people like to get intimate every morning. Some people like it in odd locations. Some do it only on holidays. Some are wild, some slow and sensual.

If you and your lover don’t know where your intimate boundaries are, one or both of you might spend precious time unhappily faking enjoyment, which is a clear sign of trouble on any relationship’s horizon.

Let your needs and preferences be known, as well as how much wiggle room for experimentation exists within them.

4. Financial.

A person with short hair, wearing a striped blouse and a watch, holds a fan of US 100-dollar bills. They have a smile and are posing against a white background.

Money is generally taken to be poison in matters of the heart, but money (for better or for worse; granted usually worse) is an inescapable part of human interactions whether you’re with someone or not.

There used to be a huge stigma associated with a division of “romantic” funds, but many married couples now openly maintain separate bank accounts.

It isn’t an issue of mistrust or an expectancy of a failed relationship; it’s a matter of convenience.

Discuss your financial boundaries early to avoid sticky entanglements later.

5. Past lives.

A man with curly hair wearing a blue sweater sits pensively, resting his chin on his hands. A woman with long brown hair in the background looks at him with concern, her hand gently touching his shoulder. They are surrounded by lush green foliage.

Simply put, your past is yours.

Many people incorrectly feel that it’s their right or duty to split open a lover’s past so that everything about the lover is laid bare like parts for examination.

You, however, are not an automobile; there is no title and registration in your back pocket to hand over to someone; you have no tires for kicking.

Let people know that what you choose to divulge – unless non-disclosure presents a direct health risk or is otherwise threatening – is at your discretion.

Communication is key in any relationship, but a relationship is not a therapist’s couch. Unless and until you’re comfortable doing so, you’re in no way obligated to make yourself an open book.

6. Family.

Four people are seated around a table, enjoying a meal together. The table is set with various dishes, including a salad, bread, and other foods. The setting appears to be a home with large windows in the background, allowing natural light to illuminate the scene.

Relationships often exist within the eyes of “Hurricane Familia,” which doesn’t necessarily mean terrible family interactions, but simply that the needs of both families will constantly swirl around the edges of your relationship.

Setting basic boundaries on how much each other’s family interaction impacts the relationship will prevent a lot of emergency restoration later.

7. Friendships.

A group of people cheerfully raising plastic cups for a toast in front of a bearded man indoors. They are in a room with a brick wall adorned with hanging flags. The image is in black and white, creating a celebratory and intimate atmosphere.

Your lover will never like all of your friends, nor you theirs, but that doesn’t stop a lot of people from trying to determine who the other can and can’t have as friends.

Set mutual boundaries of respect that the other can make reasonable decisions as to who they allow to influence them and, by extension, who they allow to influence the relationship.

8. Goals.

A smiling woman hugs a laughing man from behind as they enjoy a sunny day outdoors. They are both wearing coats, with autumn foliage and a building blurred in the background, creating a warm and cheerful atmosphere.

No one gets to tell us our dreams are worthless, even if they think they’re doing so kind-heartedly in our best interests.

Set a boundary: This is what I want to/am going to do; support is allowed, undermining is not.

9. Additions.

A woman with shoulder-length hair is giving a piggyback ride to a small child who is wearing a large straw hat. They are outdoors in a sunny, wooded area, and both are smiling happily at the camera. The background is lush with green trees and tall grass.

Are you willing to bring children into the relationship? Pets?

These are generally hard and fast boundaries everyone brings to a relationship, but are unwilling to bring up unless they absolutely have to.

Adding to a relationship unit is a huge deal and shouldn’t be left to chance.

Talk about who and what you’re willing to allow past your boundaries into the relationship.

10. Subtractions.

A close-up of a man and a woman indoors. The man, in the foreground, looks down thoughtfully with a hand resting on his chin. The woman, in the background, appears to be talking or expressing concern, with one hand lifting her hair away from her face.

The break up.

As with tolerances, a discussion early-on about what we will and will not do in the event things don’t work out might save loads of pain and drama at the end.

This could encompass cooling off periods, second chances, living arrangements, all the way to the “let’s stay friends… with benefits” option.

Whatever it is, if a loved one knows where we stand, we can both end the relationship on quieter, less shouty terms.

11. Time.

A woman with long brown hair, wearing a white sweater, sits on a couch with her arms crossed and a concerned expression. Behind her, a man with short brown hair in a grey T-shirt appears to be looking away, both seated in a modern living room.

Time, even among lovers, is finite, so the questions become:

What are your time boundaries?

At what point do you feel smothered?

How long do you need to recharge?

These are all things a lover will need to know – and will want to know – so that both of you not only feel comfortable in your own skins, but around each other.

And in this day and age, this stretches into the realm of digital communication too.

If your partner doesn’t reply to your messages straight away, it’s likely that their attention is elsewhere. That’s okay.

And don’t assume that your partner will want to be in touch with you constantly throughout the day to hear every little detail of your life. They may value the separation of their work life from their home life, or not feel the need to speak when they are with their friends, for example.

12. Digital presence.

A woman in a purple top holds a smartphone, with various social media icons such as thumbs up, chat bubbles, and a globe emanating from it, symbolizing social media interaction. The background is a plain grey wall.

In the age of iPhones and social media, it’s necessary to discuss how much access a lover has to your digital presence.

Communication apps, tracking apps, calendar apps, Facebook friending (and friending of friends): all of this is boundary-laden territory.

Love may not always last, but social media, while not forever, is, exceedingly difficult to untangle.

13. Privacy.

A woman with folded arms looks upset while sitting on a couch next to a man who is gesturing with his hand and holding a smartphone. They are in a modern living room with a kitchen in the background.

Couples often share a lot. But they needn’t share everything if they don’t want to.

Your life is yours. Their life is theirs. Your lives may intersect in a major way, but they don’t have to overlap completely.

And then there are the inner workings of your mind. You don’t have to reveal every thought, every desire, every feeling, every belief.

You are entitled to privacy. That means being able to say when a discussion is violating that privacy. It also means not snooping on phones or asking for logins to computers.

14. Conflict.

A woman with dark hair and red highlights is sitting on the grass, resting her chin on her hand, looking pensive. She is facing a man in a yellow shirt who has his back to the camera. They are outside, with a blurred green background.

Arguments happen in every relationship. And they can be helpful to actually identify each other’s boundaries to begin with. You may argue when an unspoken boundary is crossed, and this brings that boundary to light.

But conflict can also be destructive if it’s not approached carefully.

Boundaries in these circumstances might involve not holding grudges or bringing up the past over and over again.

It might mean not blaming each other but seeking to work together to resolve issues.

It might mean allowing a cooling off period if either partner feels unable to discuss a topic at a given time. You shouldn’t force conflict upon your partner.

15. Differences.

A couple sits closely together on a leather couch at home, both wearing cozy sweaters. The man has a serious expression and gently touches the woman's arm, while she looks down pensively. A laptop is open on the table in front of them, and the room is warmly lit.

We’re all different. In oh so many ways. And those differences need to be respected.

That might encompass religious beliefs. If you are practicing and your partner is not, you can’t drag them along to your place of worship and try to convert or convince them.

This holds true for other beliefs too. You should accept the reality that you will not always believe the same things as each other. Don’t force your views upon each other and expect them to agree. They won’t.

You will also do things differently to each other. Don’t paint their way as the wrong way and try to coerce them into doing things precisely how you like them to be done.

And if you value something that your partner doesn’t, you are within your rights to adhere to that value. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with in the name of relationship unity.

16. Decision-making.

A woman and man are standing next to a red vehicle at sunset. They are smiling and wearing sunglasses. The woman, dressed in a white shirt and plaid shirt tied around her waist, leans on the man's shoulder. The man is wearing a denim shirt and a hat, both appear happy and relaxed.

We make lots of decisions each and every day. Some more important than others. But in a relationship, that decision-making process can cause tensions.

Firstly, no one should be expected to make every decision for the couple as a whole. That’s a burden of responsibility that should be shared.

Secondly, it is reasonable to expect to be consulted on decisions that affect you or your life in a meaningful way. That’s a common courtesy and a sign of respect.

But thirdly, you should feel able to maintain your own autonomy in many respects. You can make decisions without consulting the other person, assuming it doesn’t affect them in any major way.

17. Emotions.

A woman with brown hair and a striped sweater is leaning towards a man with dark hair and a blue sweater. They are sitting by a window, facing each other and talking animatedly. The background shows a blurred view of trees and buildings outside.

It’s natural, of course, to be somewhat impacted by the emotions your partner is experiencing, and vice versa.

But it’s also important to try not to allow their inner world to affect your inner world too much.

If their work stress doesn’t have any major ramifications for you (such as losing their job), it’s not yours to deal with. You can show care and empathy without needing to adopt the stress they are feeling.

The key here is not to take on responsibility for things that aren’t within your circle of influence. If you can’t do much to change something – or it’s not your job to try to change it – don’t.

But there is another side to emotional boundaries and that is not having your emotions manipulated by your partner.

If they resort to guilt tripping, the silent treatment, or emotional blackmail (among other things) to get you to do something, that is crossing your emotional sovereignty and is not okay.

18. The word ‘no.’

A woman with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a white shirt, is seen against an orange background. She has her right hand extended in front of her, palm facing outward, in a "stop" or "halt" gesture while looking away.

The word ‘no’ can be used to express your wishes in all sorts of scenarios.

“No, I don’t want to try vegan cheese on my pasta.”

“No, I don’t want to jump between the sheets.”

“No, I don’t want to join a gym with you.”

“No, I don’t want to visit that museum today.”

You should feel able to say no to things or turn down invitations without having to explain your precise reasoning.

You just don’t want to. In most cases, that is sufficient. You ought to respect each other enough to accept when one says no to the other.

Of course, if your partner is asking you to do something that is really important to them – like visit their elderly mother – it is reasonable for them to expect you to make the effort unless you have a good excuse why you can’t, or unless you have done said thing very recently.

19. The sharing of private stuff with others.

Two women against a red background, one with brown hair in a black top looking surprised with her mouth open and hands on her cheeks, and the other with blonde hair in a red dress leaning in to whisper in her ear.

Your relationship and the things that happen within it are nobody’s business but yours and your partner’s.

Unless, that is, you are both happy for the other to discuss things relating to you and your relationship with their friends or family.

But even then there might be some red lines that you don’t want crossed, such as talking about your intimate life, mental health issues, or your respective pasts.