12 Ways To Help A Partner With Abandonment Issues

You can help them.

A young couple is sitting closely together on a sofa. The woman has long brown hair and is wearing a gray shirt, leaning her head on the man's shoulder with a contented smile. The man is wearing a striped shirt and has his arm wrapped around her, looking down at her affectionately.

Abandonment issues can be incredibly difficult to navigate in relationships.

A person who has these issues may display challenging and frustrating behaviors, which often result in relationship breakdown—which is exactly what they’re afraid of.

Although it may be difficult to figure out how to love someone with abandonment issues, it’s important to focus on who they are, rather than the issues that plague them.

Their trauma doesn’t define them, but their experiences will affect the way they react or behave in various situations. The tips below can help your relationship run more smoothly, especially over time.

1. Be patient with them.

A couple is lying on a gray knitted rug, smiling and holding a book. The woman, in a pink sweater, has her arm around the man, who is wearing a checkered shirt over a white t-shirt and jeans. They are surrounded by pillows and appear to be relaxed and happy.

This is a person who has built strong emotional walls. They don’t trust easily, and their guard will go up at the first hint that they might get hurt. Be prepared for this so it doesn’t catch you off guard or offend you when it happens.

They usually bolt at the slightest whisper of uncertainty in a relationship, especially if they think that things are going on that they’re not aware of, so it’s incredibly important to cultivate open communication.

Even if said communication is awkward or difficult, it’ll go a long way to making them realize that they can trust you.

2. Realize that it’s not about you.

A bearded man wearing a plaid shirt embraces a woman with long, brown hair, who is leaning against his chest with a somber expression. They are standing in front of a large pine tree. The scene suggests comfort and support.

If they’re being withdrawn or overly jealous, it’s unlikely you’ve done anything to cause this behavior. Instead, they’re likely seeing some kind of parallel between a current situation and something they experienced years ago, and they’re reacting to the emotions being drummed up by that, rather than what’s happening now.

They might freak out and behave poorly, leaving you sitting there dazed, wondering what the hell you did to have elicited such a reaction, when in reality it’s just them remembering what it was like to be hurt beyond measure and doing everything in their power to avoid hurting that much again.

If you can, please be patient with them. Encourage them to talk to you about what they’re feeling once they’ve calmed down.

After their outburst, they’ll likely feel very ashamed of their behavior. If you work together, they can grow from the experience, and your support and reassurance may help stop that kind of thing from happening too often again.

3. Always be honest about your feelings.

A man and a woman sit on a couch in a bright living room, smiling and holding hands. They appear to be engaged in a cheerful conversation. The room has white walls, a floor lamp, and large windows allowing natural light to fill the space.

Please don’t feel that you have to walk on eggshells or swallow your own emotions in an attempt to avoid setting them off.

They might seem fragile and delicate at times, but that’s because they overthink everything and are constantly on high alert, trying to read between the lines to see if you’re going to hurt them or leave them outright.

If this behavior is upsetting or frustrating to you, talk to them about it instead of bottling it up and either remaining silent or trying to convince them that nothing is wrong. By doing that, they’ll become even more insecure because they’ll feel that you’re hiding things from them and that you’re halfway out the door, walking away.

Don’t hesitate to over-communicate. These people would prefer that you tell them about the minutiae going on in your life so they feel like they’re an integral part of it.

The more you can do to reassure them that they’re important, the better. They need that, and when they feel safe and secure in the relationship, they’ll be able to open up to you and be the partner you need in turn.

4. Be prepared to prove yourself.

A young couple poses outdoors on a sunny day; the woman with long blonde hair holds a bouquet of flowers and wears sunglasses, a grey top, and a denim skirt. The man, with short hair and a beard, wears a maroon jacket over a grey shirt and jeans, with his arm around her shoulder.

One major difficulty in loving someone with abandonment issues is that many of them have been damaged repeatedly by the same type of people, over and over again. They’ll expect you to hurt them the same way and will brace for the shoe to drop, so to speak.

Consider this scenario: Imagine a dog that’s being cared for by an abusive owner.

The owner behaves kindly to the dog for a little while, then kicks it, causing it pain… but then is kind again for a little while. Until they kick it again, and the pattern repeats itself. Then the dog is adopted by another caregiver… who is kind to the dog for a little while, until they decide to kick it as well.

After a few rounds with a few different people, that dog will have learned the lesson that any small kindness will inevitably be followed by a painful kick. It would take a lot of time, effort, patience, and reassurance to convince that dog that this time, it’ll be different. It may never fully trust that a kick won’t come, that it won’t be hurt again, but over time it may relax enough to be cared for and loved more than it has been in the past.

5. Don’t enable their negative self-talk.

A man and woman sit at a cafe table, each with a cup of coffee. They are engaged in conversation, and the woman is smiling warmly while resting her head on her hand. The background shows a modern, minimalistic interior with shelves and a TV screen.

If they put themselves down, talking about how stupid they are for feeling the way they do or apologizing for how “broken” they are, try not to enable them by just telling them that no, they’re wrong. That’ll invalidate how they’re feeling, and they’ll end up saying the same things the next time they break down a little bit.

Instead, try an approach in which you’re listening actively, but trying to get them to see the situation from different perspectives. Help them challenge these negative thoughts by working with them to ask if they’re true.

Furthermore, seek to re-frame them positively. If they insult their body for being too weak, remind them that they are getting stronger every day. Or if they make a mistake, remind them that every misstep is a learning experience.

6. Understand that they aren’t behaving this way on purpose.

A woman and a man are sitting outdoors on a bench, engaged in a conversation. The woman is leaning forward with her arms resting on her knees, wearing a white sleeveless top and sunglasses on her head. The man in a white t-shirt is touching his forehead. Trees are in the background.

They aren’t. They really, really aren’t. This is absolutely key to understanding someone with abandonment issues.

They would love nothing more than to fall into your arms with complete trust in the fact that you are who you seem to be and they can be perfectly happy and safe in a relationship with you, but their own experiences have taught them otherwise, time and time again.

There’s not much that you can say or do to improve this, but know that it will improve over time as they peel back personal defensive layers and let you in.

7. Remind them why you love them.

A couple sits on grass near a bush with red berries. The woman with red curly hair rests her head on the man's shoulder, while he gently holds her. A hat lies on the grass beside them. They are surrounded by greenery, with trees and sky in the background.

Instead of just a blanket “I love you,” tell them exactly what it is about them that you care about and appreciate.

They’ve undoubtedly been told by others that they were loved, and those words turned out to be hollow and meaningless when they ended up getting hurt. But focusing on very tangible things that you’ve noticed about them makes them realize that you pay attention to who they are: to what they do.

A few examples could be things like:

– I really admire how kind you are to animals.

– I appreciate the effort you put into making ___ for me, because you know I like it.

– You have a beautiful smile: it’s wonderful to see you shine so brightly when you’re happy.

– The book you recommended to me was perfect. You really have solid insights as to what I like, and I appreciate that.

And so on.

Being seen and heard is unbelievably important, and having their efforts recognized can make a world of difference to them.

These are often very kind, giving people who have loved deeply and been taken advantage of, so to be appreciated for what they do is massive for showing them that you care.

8. Emphasize their worth.

A couple gazes into each other's eyes with intense emotion. The man with long hair holds the woman's face tenderly. The woman has short blonde hair and bright red lipstick. They are standing outdoors, with blurred greenery and water in the background.

Since most people with abandonment issues have intensely low self-esteem, it’s important to emphasize their many positive attributes.

Although you may get frustrated with their clinginess or need for reassurance at times, you can alleviate those behaviors by letting them know how worthy they are in your eyes.

For example, if you find that they need more physical affection than usual, let them know how much you appreciate how loved they make you feel. Make sure their efforts are seen and appreciated rather than being taken for granted, and call them out positively whenever they do something you admire.

9. Take actions to reassure them.

A man with a beard and a woman with long hair sit at a table, smiling at each other. The man is holding a smartphone while the woman is holding a white coffee mug. They are in a well-lit, modern room with minimalistic decor.

If you know that your partner will freak out if you’re late with text responses or if you’re late for a planned activity, you can take action to reassure them however possible.

For example, if you know that you won’t be able to respond to their texts for a while because you have a meeting at work, let them know in advance. Say something like: “I have a two-hour board meeting at 1pm and I won’t be able to answer my phone. It may go longer than scheduled, but I will message you as soon as I’m available. I love you.” They’ll be less anxious if they know in advance what will happen and can prepare themselves accordingly.

Similarly, stay in regular communication if and when plans don’t go as expected. Whether you’re stuck in traffic or contending with a malfunctioning printer, let them know.

If you know that they’ll have a meltdown if the unexpected occurs, aim to keep them informed about everything that unfolds.

10. Flow with their hot-cold behavior.

A man and woman are having an intense conversation in a bright kitchen. The woman, with a concerned expression, has her hands on her head. The man speaks to her gesturing with his hand. Various kitchen appliances and items are visible in the background.

Although it may be frustrating to deal with someone who’s affectionate one day and withdrawn the next, this type of behavior is more positive than you may think. It shows that your partner cares a lot about you—may even love you fiercely—and thus is terrified of losing you or being hurt by you.

This is where their withdrawal comes from. If they didn’t care about you, they’d have no problem being more cuddly or sexually demanding all the time: there would be no threat of potential hurt because there’s no attachment.

In contrast, if they’re being loving and tender one day and cool the next, that’s a surefire sign that they’re fighting to get close despite their intimacy issues.

The person you love is dealing with an internal battle against their innate fight-or-flight instinct for self-preservation. You’re dealing with the human equivalent of a half-feral animal who desperately wants love and affection but is afraid that your hand will deal them damage the same way another’s has.

As such, try to remain consistent and reassuring without trying to push or demand affection. Give them space when they withdraw, and echo their affection when they show it.

This will reiterate to them that their heart is safe in your hands, and the push-pull effect will lessen bit by bit over time until it eventually stops.

11. Help them, but don’t try to fix them.

An elderly couple stands on a beach at sunset, both wearing beige coats. They are facing each other, smiling and holding hands. The woman’s hair is being gently blown by the wind. The background is blurred, highlighting the warm sunlit moment.

If you’re dating someone with abandonment issues, you might feel a sense of responsibility to somehow “cure” or “fix” them of their pain and hurt.

Whilst you may feel this way out of kindness and a desire to see them live a happier life, remember that this is their life, not yours. As such, you can’t put the weight of their healing on your shoulders, for it is not yours to bear.

When learning how to help a partner with abandonment issues, keep in mind that there’s a world of difference between helping someone and fixing them.

Your role is to aid and accommodate their own healing journey whilst giving them the freedom to go at their own pace, to go backward at times, to try different things, to fail, to get up and try again.

You can’t take away their abandonment issues—you can only stick by them and follow the other tips in this article to provide reassurance.

12. Encourage them to get therapy.

Two people sit on a couch, facing a person holding a notepad and pen. The person with the notepad is presumably leading a discussion or counseling session. The room is well-lit with natural light streaming through windows in the background.

Many abandonment issues can improve significantly over time, but they aren’t going to go away on their own.

Few people can heal from this kind of trauma on their own, and those dealing with abandonment and betrayal will benefit immensely from approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy with a trained psychotherapist.

A trained professional can help them unpack the damage that was caused so long ago and teach them how to communicate effectively and work through difficult emotions instead of running from them.