8 Troubling Reasons Your Partner Won’t Go Public With Your Relationship

Is your partner keeping you and your relationship hidden in the shadows?

Two people standing side by side, each holding a red heart-shaped balloon in front of their faces, obscuring their identities. They are holding hands and wearing matching outfits: denim jackets with beige pants. The background is plain white.

Secrets are a complex thing. And when it comes to romantic relationships, they can be even trickier to navigate.

Keeping secrets in a relationship will cause problems – that’s a certainty.

But if it’s the relationship itself that your partner wants to keep under wraps, that can be difficult to handle.

If you’re in a relationship or getting into a relationship that your partner wants to keep secret, it’s important for you to be fully aware of what that might mean, both for the relationship and for you.

What might their reasons be?

How can you know if you’re truly comfortable with the situation, or just going along with it?

Keep reading for an insight into how you might be able to answer these questions, starting with the reasons why they want to keep your love hidden.

1. They’re fresh out of a relationship.

A woman in a white coat stands in the foreground, covering her face with her hands. In the background, a man in a tan coat stands with his hands in his pockets. They are in front of a large, arched brick wall. The scene appears to be emotionally charged.

Often, someone can want to keep a relationship secret because they’ve recently come out of another one.

They might feel that it would be unfair on their ex to move on so quickly or worry about how that ex might react.

They might not want to rub in the fact that they’ve found happiness with you only a short time after their last relationship ended.

That’s completely legitimate, and you should try to give them the space and time they need to feel comfortable about making things public.

On the other hand, there’s always the remote possibility that it might mean they’re still pining for their ex and nursing a hope that they might get back together.

2. They’re scared of commitment.

A man with short hair sits on a bench outdoors in a sunny park. He is wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans, looking pensively into the distance. Green trees and soft sunlight create a peaceful background.

They might struggle with the idea of telling people about your relationship because the idea of openly committing to someone scares them.

If they tell people about your relationship, then, in their head, it might make things seem more serious, and overwhelm them.

This isn’t a good excuse for not being open about a relationship, but it could well be the reason behind it.

3. Their friends or families might not approve.

A group of six people enjoys a backyard gathering. In the foreground, an older couple is seated and holding coffee mugs. In the background, four younger individuals are standing and smiling, with greenery surrounding them. The scene is relaxed and cheerful.

Perhaps your partner comes from a conservative family or has parents who have very particular ideas about who they should be dating.

And perhaps you don’t quite fit that mold.

This is a tricky situation for them, and you need to respect their decisions and choices, whilst not compromising too much of yourself in the process.

4. If it’s a work relationship, it might be against the rules.

A man and a woman sit across from each other at a modern office table in an open, bright, windowed workspace. Both are dressed in professional attire and appear to be having a conversation, smiling. Laptops, coffee cups, and office supplies are on the table.

If the two of you work together in some capacity, then a romantic relationship between you might be breaking the rules.

It can certainly make things a little difficult, even if it’s not prohibited.

If it could have a negative impact on one or both of your careers, that might be a good reason to keep things quiet until you’re sure that the relationship is worth making sacrifices for.

5. They’re thinking of their children.

A woman with shoulder-length hair is giving a piggyback ride to a small child who is wearing a large straw hat. They are outdoors in a sunny, wooded area, and both are smiling happily at the camera. The background is lush with green trees and tall grass.

If your partner has children, that makes things an awful lot more complicated.

You don’t just have your own feelings to consider, as new relationships have to be very carefully handled where children are concerned.

People with children might choose to keep a new relationship secret until they’re sure that it’s got a future.

6. They’re not out of the closet.

Two people sit closely on a couch, with one person, wearing a yellow and white striped shirt, looking down and appearing distressed. The other person, with long hair and a beige sweater, has an arm around their shoulder, offering comfort. A plant is visible in the background.

If you’re in a same-sex relationship, there’s a chance that they might not be ‘out’ to their friends and family.

This is a tricky one to deal with, as it’s entirely their choice when or if they choose to tell the people they love that they’re attracted to members of the same gender.

On the other hand, keeping your relationship secret for this reason can really take its toll on you, especially if you’ve struggled to come out to your friends and family yourself in the past.

7. They’re seeing other people.

Three people walking down a sunlit road with trees on either side. A man in the middle has his arms around two women, one on his left wearing a teal shirt and the other on his right wearing a pink shirt. They hold hands and face away from the camera.

In some rare cases, their unwillingness to make your relationship public might be down to the fact that they don’t want their other lover or even lovers to know about the two of you.

If you’re under the impression that you’re in an exclusive relationship with this person, their desire to keep things secret might be cause for concern on this front.

8. You have history with a friend of theirs.

Two women are in the image, one in the foreground and the other in the background. The woman in the foreground has brown hair, tied back, and is looking down with a serious expression. The woman in the background has long brown hair and is also looking serious.

It might be as simple as the fact that, in the past, you’ve been romantically involved with a friend of theirs. Or, they might have history with a friend of yours.

Either way, it can sometimes be sensible to keep things quiet at the beginning of a relationship like this, until you’re both sure that you’re serious.

But it’s best not to keep it under wraps for too long. If the secret were to get out, that friend would probably be within their rights to feel betrayed, however they feel about their ex.

4 Important Questions To Ask Yourself

A young woman is lying on a gray couch, looking pensive and slightly sad. She is wearing a light gray t-shirt and has her arms resting on her stomach. The background is softly blurred, with a glimpse of shelves and books.

So, your partner has expressed a desire to keep what’s going on between the two of you a secret.

It’s normal to have some confusing feelings about that, so don’t worry if you aren’t able to clearly express and articulate them immediately.

Of course, you might entirely agree with them that it needs to be kept a secret, for the same reason, or for your own, different reasons.

Here are a few questions you might find it helpful to ask yourself if you’re in a situation like this.

1. Are you truly comfortable with the situation?

A young person with short hair, wearing a white sleeveless shirt, rests their chin on their hand and looks thoughtfully at the camera. The background is blurred and neutral, drawing attention to the subject's contemplative expression.

There’s never been a more important moment to be totally honest with yourself about how you’re feeling.

If you really like this person, you’re probably trying to convince yourself you’re okay with the secrecy, even if, deep down, you’re not.

Are you happy keeping things quiet, for now, waiting to see how things unfold?

Or, if you had it your way, would you be shouting your love from the rooftops?

Are you starting to resent them for the secrecy?

Is it making things tricky to organize, logistically speaking?

Honestly reflect on whether it’s working for you, and whether it’s sustainable in the short term.

2. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

A couple relaxes on a couch. The person on the left in a brown jacket holds the person on the right, who has long hair and is wearing a teal shirt. Both appear content, and the person in teal is smiling with their head resting on the other's chest.

It’s one thing knowing your partner wants to keep things secret for a few weeks, or maybe even a few months, until circumstances have changed or a certain event has passed.

You might be able to accept secrecy knowing that, on a precise date, things are going to be changing.

But it’s quite another keeping a relationship secret indefinitely.

If your partner can’t offer you hope that things might change sooner rather than later, the situation will be harder to deal with, and your relationship may well suffer as a result.

3. Who could get hurt if the secret gets out?

A man with wavy brown hair and a beard is sitting on a beach, wearing a leather jacket. He appears deep in thought as he looks slightly downward. The ocean and a clear blue sky are in the background.

Who will be the ones to suffer if your relationship is discovered?

Will it just be the two of you who have to deal with the consequences, or could it hurt other people?

Might if affect your friends or family? Are there any children in the mix?

If more people will be affected than just the two of you, you’ll need to be even more careful about the decisions you make.

4. Is it really worth it?

A woman with long, wavy hair and a white shirt leans on a pillow, looking pensive and worried. She gazes into the distance, her expression showing concern. Soft lighting fills the room, creating a calm yet somber atmosphere.