If you're dealing with a narcissist, avoid these 11 things that make matters worse

Avoid doing these things when dealing with a narcissist.

A man with dark hair and a beard is sitting in a stylishly furnished room, looking down at his smartphone. He is dressed in a dark blazer, white shirt, and light gray trousers, with a red pocket square. Shelves filled with various items are in the background.

You shouldn’t treat a narcissist as just another person. Their behavior is not typical.

You very much need to adjust your expectations regarding what you should and shouldn’t do with a narcissist.

If in doubt, don’t do any of these things…

1. Stop trusting them.

Two people standing outdoors near a body of water on a cloudy day. The person in the foreground, wearing a black coat and a black hat, looks off into the distance. The person in the background, also in a dark coat, faces away, adding a sense of solitude.

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s essential to never trust them at face value.

Their self-centered nature means they can’t help but manipulate and lie to others.

So, always maintain a healthy dose of skepticism when interacting with a narcissist to avoid falling for their deceitful traps.

Narcissists are skilled at creating a false image of themselves to gain approval and make others believe in their grandiose sense of self. Keep this in mind and be cautious when they share stories or information.

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to twist the truth in order to maintain their carefully crafted facade.

So, if you can, verify what they tell you. And if you can’t verify, assume that there is at least some untruth in what they say.

And never, ever trust them to keep something you tell them confidential. They wouldn’t know what a secret was if it slapped them in the face. In fact, they will actively seek to use anything you tell them against you.

So, say as little as you can when you have no choice but to interact with a narcissist.

2. Stop trying to argue with them.

Two elderly men sit on a couch in a living room. One man, in a green shirt, leans forward with his head in his hand, appearing distressed. The other man, in a maroon shirt, gestures with his hands as if offering advice or support. Shelves and a TV are in the background.

There’s no reasoning with a narcissist.

Therefore, there is no point in trying to argue your point or case with them.

If you do, the result with almost certainly be harmful to your emotional well-being.

Instead, stay composed, do not allow your emotions to control you, and seek to disengage at the earliest opportunity.

If you want to state your case, do so once and only once. The more you try to defend yourself, the more the narcissist will spin you round, confuse you, and make you doubt the point(s) you are trying to make.

Narcissists often use arguments as a means to manipulate and control their victims. By engaging in one, you are perpetuating the power struggle, one which the narcissist will always win.

So, stop trying to defend, explain, or rationalize your way out of the argument. You don’t need to prove your worth or justify your point of view.

Know your limits. Set yourself some clear rules of engagement in your head and stick to these.

You can try to move the conversation away from the argument to something more neutral. It might work, but don’t hold your breath. And if it doesn’t, it’s time to walk away—figuratively, and even physically.

3. Stop believing you can change them.

A woman with long brown hair, wearing a striped sweater, sits on a white couch looking concerned. In the background, a man with short hair, wearing a navy hoodie and jeans, sits on the edge of the couch facing away, both appearing upset in a bright room.

It is vital to understand that you cannot change a narcissist. Not even a little bit.

Their personality traits are deeply rooted in their past and their psyche. Any attempts to change them will likely be met with resistance and even aggression.

Very rarely does a narcissist think they need to change, and so trying to convince them otherwise is like trying to empty the ocean with a spoon—impossible.

Instead, focus on managing your interactions with them and establishing healthy boundaries.

Accept the narcissist for who they are. Recognize their limitations and avoid unrealistic expectations of them.

4. Stop forging romantic relationships with them.

A couple is sitting in the front seat of a car, with the woman leaning on the man who is holding the steering wheel. Both are wearing leather jackets and smiling affectionately at each other, creating a warm, intimate moment.

Entering a relationship with a narcissist is a terrible idea. Truly awful. Don’t even think about it!

Romantic relationships involving a narcissist almost always lead to mental and emotional turmoil—if not destruction—for the other person.

A narcissist’s fragile ego and fantasies of perfection, power, and success lead to an unbalanced relationship dynamic, where the narcissist may consistently undermine and belittle you.

Their unquenchable need for attention and admiration often leaves little space for your own needs, causing you to feel consistently undervalued.

What’s more, they dehumanize you, seeing you as nothing more than an object for them to own and do with as they wish. They will gaslight you, love bomb you, and generally make you doubt yourself, your feelings, and your perceptions of the world.

They will try to isolate you, diminish you, and leave you feeling trapped and helpless.

Oh, and if you manage to leave a narcissist, never, ever return to them. No matter what they say or do to try to convince you to give them a second chance, do not believe them,

Put yourself first, stay as far away from them as you can, and never even entertain the idea of getting back together with them.

5. Stop expecting them to take responsibility.

Two women are indoors having a conversation. One woman with brown hair and wearing a red patterned top looks away, while the other woman with wavy hair and wearing a checkered button-up shirt makes a gesture with her hand, appearing a bit skeptical or bemused.

Narcissists rarely ever take responsibility for anything they do, unless they think they can gain from doing so.

What usually happens is that they will blame others for their mistakes and refuse to apologize or admit fault.

So, if you’re holding on to some faint belief that they will one day realize what they have done to you and say sorry, then you’ll be waiting a long time.

If they’re not denying responsibility or shifting the blame, they will manipulate the facts or deflect attention away from the point at hand by attacking you with some unrelated matter.

6. Stop playing their games.

A woman gestures with frustration while sitting on a couch next to a man who is covering his face with his hands. The man appears to be distressed, and they are in a room with a large window in the background.

Everything is a game to a narcissist. And they are just begging you to play it.

Because they know they possess the greater skill, cunning, and determination to win.

They’ve got a whole bag of tricks to beat you down with—gaslighting, triangulation, playing the victim, smear campaigns, employing flying monkeys. And that’s just for starters.

You can try all you want to get one over on them, to make them feel small, to make them back down. Your chances of success are slim.

And even if you manage to somehow win one battle, you can be sure they’ll win the war. And you’ll suffer plenty of damage in the process.

So never take the bait. Avoid getting sucked into a narcissist’s games. Disengage from their drama, walk away, and stick to your boundaries once you have done so.

7. Stop expecting them to care.

A woman with short blonde hair and wearing white cat-eye sunglasses stands in front of a serene lake. She wears a white blouse with colorful embroidery as she looks over her shoulder. In the background, there's a church on an island and hilly landscape.

Narcissists have almost no genuine empathy. They have cognitive empathy—that is, they can identify your emotions (which is why they are so good at manipulating them)—but they are unable to feel emotional or compassionate empathy.

They don’t feel what you feel, and nor are they moved to help you feel better.

You can’t expect them to support you emotionally because their ultimate goal is always a self-centered one. They might pretend to care about your needs, but really, they are so focused on their own needs and wants that yours don’t matter to them.

In this sense, narcissists are entirely cold-hearted.

8. Stop having kids with them.

Two young children lean on a table with sad expressions while a man and woman are seen in the background arguing. The scene takes place in a brightly lit room with windows and a bookshelf. The mood is tense, reflecting family conflict.

Deciding to have children is a life-altering decision—one that can bring both endless joy and huge challenges.

Only, if you have kids with a narcissist, those challenges grow tenfold.

Narcissists make lousy parents. They see children as objects just as they do you, and this allows them to treat those children badly.

So, as the other parent, you will likely have to protect your children from the narcissist. This leaves you even more open to abuse and attack.

What’s more, narcissists may use your children as weapons with which to hurt you. They might turn your children against you, which is a heartbreaking and terrifying prospect, I’m sure you’ll agree.

It’s almost impossible to raise kids in a healthy environment if there is a narcissistic parent in the picture. So best not to let a relationship get that far.

9. Stop trying to expose them.

Three women are sitting at a table in a café, engaged in conversation. Two of them are listening intently to the third, who is speaking with expressive hand gestures. There are coffee cups and saucers on the table, with a mural of flowing shapes in the background.

As much as you may want everyone else to know how much of a tyrant a narcissist is, expect them to rain hellfire down on you if you ever try to expose them.

Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism and will react with anger, aggression, or manipulation when they feel threatened.

What’s more, you risk others turning against you because narcissists are skilled at shifting the blame, discrediting others (i.e. you), and manipulating the narrative in their favor.

Remember, self-image is extremely important to a narcissist, and if you try to harm that image by revealing their true nature, they won’t sit idly by and allow you to do so.

And as I said above, you should never try to play a narcissist at their own game. You’ll lose.

10. Stop believing you are immune to their manipulation.

A man with a beard and glasses stands with his arms crossed, wearing an olive green military-style outfit. He is in front of a small, white airplane in a brightly lit hangar.

You may believe you can handle a narcissist, but always remember that they use sophisticated tactics to manipulate and exploit others for personal gain.

You are not immune to these tactics, especially when some tactics don’t directly involve you. Whether through flying monkeys or smear campaigns, a narcissist can hurt you indirectly by convincing others that you are a bad person.

Nor should you believe you are immune to the charm a narcissist often possesses, or the immense pressure they can put you under.

It’s easier than you think to let your guard drop, see your boundaries fall, and find yourself doing things you don’t want to do.

11. Stop making an enemy of them.

Two men are standing close to each other in a living room, engaged in a serious conversation. The man on the right, in a pink shirt, appears to be speaking intently to the man on the left, who is wearing a beige shirt. The background features a modern, well-lit space.

A narcissist is a formidable enemy, and I’ve explained why throughout this article.

You should do everything in your power to avoid antagonizing them and making yourself a target for their anger in the process.

Narcissists feed off the energy of others, and that energy can be both positive (admiration and praise, for instance) or negative.

They really won’t mind if you try to hurt them by attacking them. In fact, the drama this stirs up is like honey to a bee—they thrive off it. It gives them all the encouragement they need to go on the offensive and use their full repertoire of weapons to destroy you.