Are You A People Pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who strives to keep the peace and avoid conflict at all costs, often at their own expense. They don’t consider their own feelings or needs in the service of other people. People pleasers are often seen as doormats or pushovers due to their willingness to do whatever it takes to be liked.
If you recognize these 15 signs, there’s a good chance this describes you.
1. You have a low opinion of yourself.
Deep down inside, you don’t believe you are enough by virtue of who you are or that anyone could ever like you for yourself.
That’s why you work so hard to please everyone, because if people don’t like you for who you are, then they’ll like you for what you do for them, right?
You’re really just trying to buy love and affection with your kindness or acts of service.
2. You need to be liked.
The thought of someone not liking you or even being mad at you is hard to stomach. It can keep you up at night. You bend over backward to get on everyone’s good side because you have a neurotic desire to be liked, no matter what. You thirst for the approval of others and take any form of criticism very badly.
3. You always say “yes,” never “no.”
When anyone needs a favor or any kind of help, they run to you because you’re always available and never say “no.” It’s almost like the word “no” is a cuss word in your vocabulary. No matter how inconvenient or difficult the request is, you’ll say yes.
4. You take the blame regardless.
You’re quick to accept fault, any fault, even when you are not to blame. It doesn’t matter, you’ll apologize and take ownership of it.
You are always ready to take on the blame, even when what happened had absolutely nothing to do with you.
It’s likely you’ve already apologized several times this past week.
5. You are quick to agree.
Your opinions depend on who you’re around at the time because you edit your views to blend in. You may not agree with what they’re saying, but you go along with their sentiments just to be liked.
You don’t want to give them any excuse not to like you or reject you outright. So you change yourself to their ideal friend or partner.
Let’s say you’re out on a first date and the person you’re seeing mentions offhandedly that they don’t eat onions and hate seeing them in their food. Even though you eat onions pretty regularly, guess who is waxing poetic about how disgusting onions are?
This scenario plays out over various topics and conversations with different people.
6. You don’t know who you are, and nor does anyone else.
You struggle with authenticity and to feel ‘seen’ by others. Because you’re constantly changing who you are or what you think, you feel like people don’t really know the true you.
And they don’t. But it’s really not their fault because they’ve never met the real you. You’ve hidden away your true nature behind a false facade of who you think they want instead.
The constant editing of yourself to appeal to others has also led you to have a weak sense of self. You don’t really know who you are anymore. Like a chameleon, you’ve changed so often that you can’t remember the real you.
7. You give and give and give.
You’re a giver. Whether it’s gifts or money or time, you’re always giving. It’s not uncommon for you to give out your last dollar to someone who asks. You justify it by saying “they wouldn’t ask if they didn’t need it,” never even considering that you need it as well.
Giving is almost a compulsion for you. Before the person has even finished stating their request or explaining what they need or why, you’ve handed over the requested item.
8. You push yourself to your limits.
Fluctuating between being exhausted, burnt out, and overworked, you run yourself ragged taking care of others.
Due to an overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility, you feel it’s your job to make sure everyone else is happy. You’re quick to offer help even before you’re asked.
You spread yourself so thin, to the point of burnout, just to help other people.
9. You simply can’t handle conflict.
Conflict really upsets you. You hate having arguments or when other people argue. If people aren’t smiling and 100% happy with you and with others, you make it your mission to resolve whatever is causing the issue, even if you’re not involved at all.
Because you’re so conflict-averse, when you’re the one involved in an argument, instead of addressing the issue, you quickly make excuses for the other person, even when it’s obvious you’re being used or abused. Or you just keep quiet and ignore the matter altogether.
In fact, you will throw yourself under the bus just to avoid conflict and may even feel guilty when you’re angry with someone else. You might feel as if you have no right to be upset with other people, like your feelings on the matter are invalid or even wrong. So you stifle your anger or irritation and put on a smile.
On the off chance the offending party recognizes their error and apologizes to you, you’re quick to accept it and assure them that your feelings weren’t hurt or affected in any way, just so they don’t feel bad.
Your motto is “Peace at any price.”
10. You care too much what other people think of you.
How other people perceive you is very important to you. It consumes your thoughts and affects your behavior. You actually act based on what you think other people think of you.
There may be some activities you want to try out, but you feel others would judge you or look down on you for doing so.
You are constantly trying to maintain your self-image and put yourself under extreme pressure to conform to the narrative you’ve written for yourself. Even though the false veneer is suffocating you, you stress yourself out, ensuring it stays firmly in place.
11. You neglect your own needs.
As you struggle to prioritize everyone else in your life, the one person who always comes in dead last is you. You regularly neglect your own needs in sacrifice to everyone else.
It’s not uncommon for you to sacrifice your time, sanity, and well-being in the interest of others. Taking time for self-care seems selfish and you can’t remember the last time you took care of yourself or had time to recuperate.
You have a hard time advocating for yourself, which has led to your current pattern of self-neglect. Half the time, you’re not even aware of your needs or feelings. So if asked, you’d be hard-pressed to respond or smile brightly and assure everyone that you’re ok.
12. You fear rejection and abandonment.
You have many fears, but the two most prominent ones are rejection and abandonment. Even the slightest bit of criticism is taken poorly and seen as rejection. People describe you as being sensitive because of the way you react to anything you perceive as a negative assessment.
The truth is, you see the criticism as a reprimand, even if it’s said to help you improve.
The fear of abandonment is so ingrained in you that you hold on to toxic relationships because you fear being alone. You feel that being alone is a sign you are inadequate or unlovable.
At times, you wonder if you’ll ever find love or think your abusive partner is the best option available to you. So you go to extreme lengths to avoid abandonment and being alone.
13. You show compassion to everyone but yourself.
It’s easier for you to understand another person’s perspective or to cut them some slack than it is to give yourself a break. You regularly put yourself in the shoes of other people and excuse their behavior, but you can’t seem to extend the same level of understanding or compassion to yourself.
You beat yourself up for falling short of your high standards with your “flimsy” excuses and reasons for failure. But you don’t bat an eyelid when overlooking someone else’s failings.
14. You have a lot of pent-up emotions.
There is so much suppressed emotion inside that you’re afraid of losing control because of it. It’s one reason why you don’t drink a lot of alcohol, because you’re afraid all your pent-up emotions will come spilling out when you don’t have control of yourself.
Sometimes, you feel like a bottle of a carbonated drink that’s been shaken repeatedly. If anyone dares to open it up, the sugary liquid will spew out everywhere.
Instead of talking about what you’re feeling, you push your emotions down, ignoring and overlooking them because you don’t want any conflict. You don’t want people to know that you have feelings because it might make them feel uncomfortable.
15. You make excuses for other people.
Even though you’re being verbally, emotionally, or perhaps physically abused, you blindly believe in other people’s “goodness.” He didn’t mean it like that, you regularly tell yourself. She’s a good person, you say to yourself to excuse repeated toxic behavior.
Though you’re being trampled upon, you overlook it because deep down inside, you’re sure they didn’t mean it like that. They’re just going through some stuff. You even resort to blaming yourself for their behavior. Because clearly, you’re the reason they’re acting this way.
Finally…
We might have painted quite a negative picture, but it’s not all bad. People pleasers have many admirable qualities. After all, that’s what makes them so good at making other people happy. Generally, people pleasers are good at reading a room or situation.
People pleasers can easily adjust to fit in and blend with different people groups. They are social chameleons, if you like.
They have a very strong work ethic, although they regularly take on more than they can comfortably handle. They tend to be perfectionists and overachievers. They place a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect and push past their natural capacity.
People-pleasing isn’t inherently bad so long as it’s not done to the detriment of your own needs and wants. As with most things in life, it’s all about healthy balance.
